TL;DR
* 35F former sex worker (15 Yrs. 2 years out) dating 39M 6mths successful career and socially;
* need to disclose past and not blow up relationship or how I am viewed by BF
* don’t know how to start THAT conversation;
* I’m scared
* need advice.
So, I started seeing my boyfriend about six months ago and things are starting to look like they’re getting serious. We’re not in marriage /proposal territory yet but it’s tracking like it might go that way in the not too distant future (let’s say middle distance). He has a good career and makes good money. He attends lots of functions professionally and in his, I guess you’d call it philanthropic, interests outside of work although the two spheres intersect significantly.
Until 18 months ago and since I was at university, so 15 years, I was a sex worker. I got out of the business when I turned 35. I had intended to quit when I turned 30 and before that when I finished university but money, travel, enjoyment (yes I enjoyed what I did. I’d go so far as to say that I loved it), other goals kind of had me deferring my exit date time and again.
I am financially comfortable, I own my own home, I have a good passive income to the point that I could happily give away working in the industry in which I now work but I like working so that’s not likely to be happening any time soon. My boyfriend owns his own place and, as I said is financially comfortable (as far as I know) and enjoys a lifestyle which I guess you’d say displays the trappings of success (not to a flashy or ostentatious extent but they are definitely there).
I very much love my boyfriend and I know I should bare all about my past. My problem is how to raise it with him in a way that won’t blow up the relationship or his head. He’s reasonably open minded but this, I am fully aware, would test that open mindedness in a very fundamental way. The circles he moves in are traditionally conservative and hugely judgemental (despite their own personal foibles and peccadilloes).
I need a way to make my confession and make it survivable for the relationship and for his perception of me. I must confess I am scared on both those fronts.
My therapist has emphasised to me the importance of this step and has somewhat prepared me for the consequences which may flow from taking it but it’s the how I am struggling with.
All advice appreciated.
13 comments
I can’t imagine there is a way to keep him, maybe if he has used sex workers a lot and has had previous relationships with other sex workers, he might be up for it but even if he’s used them even a lot, I couldn’t imagine having a relationship with one. It will always be in his head the unimaginable things you’ve done. And how little value you have put on sex, if you are ever interested in someone else down the road, how big of a deal would it be for you then to have sex with someone else, maybe during a hard time in your future with him if you do get there. Even if it would be a big deal hurting him like that, he has to think you would have no problem sleeping with most anyone.
Invite him over to your place and be honest with him, look I retired from doing this before I met you and I thought before we got more serious in our relationship I should tell you everything. I’m willing to answer any of your questions you may have. Also, I’d have a friend quietly in another room, in case things go sideways.
“Conservative Circles” tend to tie a woman’s value as a person to her sexual past…I don’t see this working out well
It’s hard to know how someone will react. It is all individual. If I heard something like this, I’d be thrilled, excited as hell and throw a party 😆 knowing you got a pro who knows exactly what they’re doing… sign me up👍
It would be like hitting the jackpot or winning the lottery.
To be honest I would be more annoyed about you not being honest earlier if I was in his shoes. I would say it is akin this with suddenly saying that you can’t have children in a relationship where the other partner wanted kids. (Yes I know that has other effects on a relationship)
If it against his values he will tell you and you can go separate ways. In another comment you said you will potentially trickle feed him information – I think this is poor form. With a past that can ultimately effect a relationship this much I think it is only right to answer what he asks aslong as it doesn’t effect someone else. You have this far been lying by omission.
But, best of luck with it all, hope it works out. Only way is to sit him down and be honest if you love him.
everyone here is way more open than I am, I guess. I didn’t disclose my sexual history to my now wife nor my previous work history that I wasn’t proud of. I mean I would lie and say I was a virgin or something, but your past is your business and no one’s else’s. As long as the previous life isn’t gonna affect current life, (STD, drug addiction, children, etc.) I do not see a point? You marry the current person and grow together from there.
Some people are going to be weird about this, some people aren’t. It’s probably good to find out if your relationship is a non starter before 6 months.
In my opinion, you just need to sit him down, open your heart out, and confess this truth about you. There is no right or wrong way to do it. In fact, and I’m sorry to say this, but the wrong way to do it is to wait 6 months to tell him this thing. He will have most probably see this as a breach of trust, never mind all the other thoughts that will come with it.
There is not much you can do other than deliver the message clearly, and show remorse for not being able to tell him earlier. But be prepared for the worst.
And whatever happens, learn the lesson, and tell people what they ought to know as early as possible.
Good luck.
Need more clarification, whe. You say sex worker, do you mean escort, prostitute, porn star etc
Do you even know your body count if he asks??
You can paint a pretty picture and put on rose colored glasses, but the truth of the matter is you spent a decade and a half selling your body. It doesn’t matter how much you sold it for or how discerning you were when it comes to the people to whom you sold it.
You’ve waited to bring it up because you obviously know that he is going to have a problem with that.
The quality of your writing indicates that you are intelligent and well educated. You are certainly aware that the past is the best predicator of future behavior. There is a reason the banks look to your credit score before offering you a loan. That same reason applies when you are in need of an organ transplant, or when you are applying for insurance.
You have demonstrated that your affections can be purchased. Now, maybe the next 40 years of your life will go remarkably well, and I certainly hope they do. But the important thing to understand is that he will always be wondering what if? What if he loses his job? What if you lose your job? Will you start having sex with other men for money?
For the vast majority of the population, that’s not a question they ever need to consider.
It is, however, one that he will have to.
Ultimately, you should’ve told him upfront when you had that consent conversation where you clarified where your boundaries were and what your expectations and history were.
At this point, you need to be completely honest with him. Because he is going to have a very hard time trusting you, and if you omit anything indulge in any white lies at all, it will come back on you.
I wish you the best of luck. Maybe he’s going to be open minded enough to continue the relationship. If he isn’t then take it as a lesson learned.
Hmm from all that you have written here and in the comments to other people you seem to be a well reflected, grown up person with a good heart and a past not everyone would come out of like this.
It is great to read that you have found someone who you seem to like/love so much that a long term future is in your head.
To be honest I think it is perfectly normal to wait for some time until you have built enough trust and stability with someone to be able and willing to go and tell them about things in the past be it traumas, problems or in general things that could possible endanger a future together. You know, some people really demand full disclosure like in the first week or first dates. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think that’s reasonable.
From what I have read it seems to be the right time to tell him. How he will react is so out of your control that it is not even worth stressing about it. Easily said from here, detached as I am and my apologies if this sounds heartless. He has got his own values, experiences, no go things etc and so on. Can’t be more than honest and see what happens.
One more things maybe: If he reacts badly and does not want you for your past…you already know he can’t be the right partner for you as you seem uncomfortable witholding your past from someone you seem to start to care deeply about. And I commend you for that.
You go and be as you are now cause that is just the end product of all you have experienced in life. You go there and be proud of what you have achieved, the person you are and take the plunge. He might need some time to think and decide to want you as you are now.
Personally I would take it as a great compliment if a (former) sex worker would be interested in me. Why? Cause in my head they have possibly seen so many men, men that regretfully enough will not always have treated them well. So for their own safety would have to have developed an exceedingly good judgement of character to sometimes even survive. So if they would feel good and safe about and with me…well what a tremendously awesome feeling. But that is a highly personal note comment.
Wish you all the best and good luck. If he is not the one I am sure you would be able to attract someone else that can be a good partner to you.
All the best
You might get more accurate answers from r/sexworkers as people there could share their experiences from either a SW perspective or their partners’.
From a guy.
He’s gonna be thinking about bigger guys making you feel good. So if he ain’t big enough there. His confidence is gone with you forever.
If hes big, tell him… He’ll know how the breads buttered.
If he’s on the smaller side, Don’t tell him ever.
I personally don’t ask questions about my partners past cause I just don’t want to think of em with other dudes.