In other words, how do men ask a woman over to their place (to cook for them) before sleeping together? Or to put it another way, how do you start a date at your place before you’ve slept together? I’ve heard of this happening a few times in my life, and see it quite regularly on Reddit.
I feel like I have a blind spot here about what’s socially acceptable because this scenario makes zero sense to me.
The only way I’ve ever progressed to having sex with a woman is by one of us inviting the other back to our place, after we’ve already established physical chemistry and kissed in public, usually on a third date. In this scenario it’s fairly obvious that sex is on the cards, but of course that should never be taken for granted.
In my mind, if you have a great second date, and make out, and then as a man you set up a third date at your place, that puts an insane amount of pressure on the woman. Like you’re assuming she’s going to have sex with you. How would she not feel trapped? Going to this man’s place the third time she’s met him. And then you just calmly act like sex isn’t on the cards for an hour or so while you cook??? I cannot even picture how this goes.
It makes so much more sense to me to build on a moment of passion in public, and suggest heading somewhere private, on the understanding that the woman can absolutely say no with little friction, because you’re in a public place.
I am genuinely so confused by this. I have a black and white rule in my head that goes something like “no dates start at your place before you’ve had sex”. What am I missing? How does this work?
For context I am 34 years old and live in the UK.
21 comments
Sex isn’t automatically on the table. If you go into it acting like it is, you’ll probably come off as a creep. Her being willing to come to your house and eat food you’ve made implies some trust, don’t ruin that.
Typically you would invite someone over like that to either show off your cooking skills to impress them, or because you’ve discovered a method of cooking is a hobby you share and can bond over.
If you’re just trying to show off your skills, it wouldn’t be out of the norm to try and plan them getting there as you’re putting the finishing touches on everything.
If you’ve planned it out where they’re going to chill out and watch you cook, that’s a good opportunity to have a few drinks.
If you’re cooking together, it is what it is.
There’s not really a formula to it, just do what seems right.
Unless you’re hot and/or you’ve already juiced her up over messaging beforehand unlikely you’ll pull this one off, but good move for a 3rd date particularly if it’s daytime. The line to use is “ok I’ll cook for u, but U have to bring the pudding”
I can’t say I understand where you’re coming from. But that’s probably because we view sex differently. Don’t overthink it. Just, ask them if they would like to try one of your home cooked meals.
Grill her a steak make baked potatoes and watch some tv. If it happens great.
Invite her over for a movie and some cuddling. Proceed to kissing and let it progress from there.
I’ve had many women that I’ve cooked for through time – while sex may have happened in some instances afterwards, that was never the plan. For me, the easiest way is to have a dish that you are accomplished at cooking. If you go to a restaurant, and she eats that dish, it gives you a good opening to say “I think that I make a very good x. Would you like for me to cook it for you?” This could lead to your cooking at either her place or your place. Just remember to let her help if she offers.
Personally I’m not gonna stage a date that’s just at my house until the relationship is pretty well established. I’ll invite her back to my place after a night out before then, but having a date start to finish at my house (or hers for that matter) is way too intimate early on.
I love to cook and talked up my skills early on with my now girlfriend, but it was probably 6 or 7 dates in before I planned a date that didn’t involve us going out somewhere.
Mine asked me to come over and watch a movie and have a charcuterie board that he put together. It was not a charcuterie board. It was a nice try though and it was the effort and thought he put in. Sex wasn’t automatically on the table, but I went in knowing i wanted to, so 🤷🏻♀️. Best sex ever, been together nearly 3 years now.
For a man who hates cooking and has no idea how to plan a meal, he is very helpful in the kitchen when I come in with a plan. If I go shopping with him, I can advise him what to buy and how to put it together as a meal. I don’t think this was something he was ever taught to do. But he tries.
I’ve had this happen twice and neither time did I expect sex. In fact I went in not expecting anything other than laughs and good conversation
this is one of my favorite opening moves tbh, just don’t assume sex is on the table.
who doesn’t want a nice meal cooked for them?
dinner and a movie is classic and COVID kinda ruined movie theaters so this is a great option.
I’ve always felt awkward going on a date to a man’s place where he cooks for me, it’s got the underlining that he’s expecting something. I’d rather things just flow naturally..without any type of pressure.
I agree with you that a 3rd date at a man’s home sounds like code for sex. “Man cooks dinner for 3rd date to get her to have sex with him” has even been a sitcom trope for decades. I don’t know why the other commenters are acting like it’s ridiculous to assume that sex would be on the table. The thought must have occurred to both parties.
I would not agree to the plan if I wasn’t into the idea of sleeping with him on that date. If I really wanted to wait, I would suggest a more public date. But, if a guy showed any sign of expectation that I would sleep with him just because I was in his home it would be a huge turnoff. Any sign of expectations, desperation, or pressure and I would be looking for a way out.
I guess I would say to view a woman agreeing to this kind of date as a sign of increasing intimacy and interest but you should still treat it as you would a public date. Have no expectations, take things as they come, and just hang out and enjoy yourself.
Wear only an apron and make lots of eye contact while slowly stirring the pot.
In my case, no kissing on the first or second date. Third date we held hands & ended the night with a lil peck. This reaffirmed for me he was interested as more than friends. Fourth date I asked if he wanted to come over to my place for dinner and finally had a proper kiss and cuddle. Fifth date he invited me to his place for dinner & ended up spending the night.
cook diner, talkx drink, eat, laugh , cuddle in front if tv, kiss, Touch , laugh, sex, cuddlez sleep
in this order
This is genuinely hilarious to read as I (32F) am about to go on a third date with a dude and was HOPING for the ‘come to my place and cook’ date (to be clear because I wanted to do the sex stuff, but we have talked about or love of cooking a lot so it wouldn’t have been out of the blue) but instead he planned golf. Good to see a different perspective because I’ve been sitting here confused as to why he did not go for the cooking dinner date.
So this is exactly what happened to me (50F). 1st date – 57M, we went for a walk, then drinks (1 each), talked for quite a while but nothing sexual at all. He was a perfect gentleman, extremely polite and a bit reserved, never even a hint of anything. I was intrigued because I couldn’t read him (unusual for me) so I kinda put out some signals but he didn’t bite, so I behaved myself, didn’t flirt, just enjoyed the conversation. Later he texted me and said he’d like to cook dinner for me at his place (we had talked about his passion for fine dining etc). I said OK. So 2nd date, I went over next weekend not sure what to expect, he had cleaned his house, cooked us a nice meal, we ate, he cleaned everything up too, him very calm and composed, no hints dropped, I’m sort of confused, thought “this is different”, so I stayed in my best behaviour. We then had some drinks, had a good conversation, each sitting nicely in our own chair. I noticed he was looking and started making lots of eye contact but no more. Then he quietly says he finds me very attractive and would like to kiss me. So I got up, went over and kissed him, we hugged, I could feel he was hard. He then very calmly says “Shall we go to the bedroom?” And that’s what happened. We are on date 6 now, going really well. I’ve never met anyone quite like him, still can’t figure out what’s going on in his head a lot of the time – but that’s what keeps it interesting.
With the DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOCJ
Lasagna seems to be a go too, you can prepare it before hand and then sit and have a drink while you stick it in the oven.
I just invited them round for food and movies. Never had a refusal yet and sex wasn’t expected or anything.
You’re assuming too much context, as though everyone is interpreting every action and statement the same way.
When you feel stressed out by ambiguity, communicate clearly. If you’re afraid she thinks you’re offering or expecting sex, address that, for example “FYI this invite is for dinner, and while I *am* free for breakfast too, I want to be clear there are no extra expectations”