Men of Reddit, what’s your opinion on the “you’ll find a relationship when you aren’t looking” technique?

39 comments

  2. BS. Can you find a relationship when you’re not looking? Sure. If you happen to spend a lot of time in environments with single eligible people, you could end up in a relationship without trying for one. But generally speaking, nothing beats being intentional about trying to accomplish something

  4. I’m not actively looking (though am open-minded), and haven’t met anyone through chance. That said, I suspect the likelihood of this happening depends on how you are spending your time. If you are out there involved in activities that include socializing with others, this might have a stronger chance of happening than if you are sitting at home all day.

  6. Just some typical bullshit coming out of the mouths of people looking for an answer to give that guy.

  7. Likely advice taken wrong

    You shouldn’t be desperately searching and focusing all of your efforts on finding a partner. You should be focusing your efforts on you

    That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still take work

  8. Took me years 3 years. cos I don’t have the balls to talk to women and my most recent ex gf approached me. And in my experience every woman that approached me turned out to have something seriously wrong with them lol

  11. I think it’s important to clarify the connotation of words here. What the saying probably implies is you’ll find a “genuine” relationship when you aren’t “desperately” looking for one

    At least that’s how it happened for me. When I wanted a gf, nothing happened. I likely came off creepy to the women I was after. When I was reasonably content being single, and just enjoying life, socializing, going to events, talking to friends/acquaintances, no ulterior motives or expectations, just being myself unapologetically, and things just developed organically. Twice. Heck, one time I got more attention than I wanted or could handle

    It’s the backwards law, essentially

  12. If you’re a man, it works if you’re already outgoing and make new contacts everywhere you go, flirt with women on the regular and are a regular at places with lots of women.

    If the above doesn’t describe you, it’s absolutely horrible advice and the worst thing you can do.

  13. The advice is loaded with the assumption that the person being advised has an active social life where they meet new people regularly.

    So it is useless when the advisee’s default state is one of going to work, going home, doing socially isolated activities, and repeat week by week. Changing or adding on to those routines to create a life where they can meet new people is where advice should be targeted.

    Saying this to someone without considering their current behaviors is just a shot in the dark; ignorance at best and dismissive at worst.

  14. That’s what people say when you’re looking and not finding one.

    If you aren’t looking but want one then people ask how you expect to find a relationship by not looking?

    Whatever a person does that isn’t working they just say the opposite.

  15. This technique works for finding lost items around the house. I guess someone figured it would also work for relationships.

  17. There’s some truth. Some.

    You certainly have more success when you don’t appear to be looking for it _too_ hard.
    The trick is you still have to be all the places you’d normally be if you are looking for it.

    Definitely there. Going through the motions. All your stuff in order. Casually disinterested. Not trying too hard.

    Really, it’s so much to remember you might as well admit your looking.

  18. This used to work for me.

    But this was only true in my 20s when I was also going out every weekend and meeting new people and then working in bars and again meeting people constantly.

    Now I’m 36 and go to work where I’m the manager and can’t socialize with employees, go home to no roommates or friends, and somehow the only bars I go to anymore are mostly empty so I chat with the bartender for a bit then head home.

    It can and will happen when you’re not “looking”, but it definitely won’t happen when you’re not social.

  23. That, only works for young women, because unless a young woman is truly repulsive,men are going to approach her.

    Men must be pro-active, if we don’t pursue women, there’s simply no chance for the vast majority of us.

  24. The point is to be comfortable with yourself and not try too hard. Trying too hard makes you appear desperate. It’s hard to fake self confidence, so the next best thing is to not care and let that keep you relaxed.

    Does it work? Sometimes. I met my wife when not looking, but I definitely got intense a few times when we were dating.

  25. Based on my experience, it works if you have a wide enough social circle that includes single girls. My first girlfriend asked me out at the university. I met my second girlfriend online and after talking for a while as friends I’ve asked her out and we dated for a short while. Same happened with my latest (ex-)girlfriend – we knew each other from the university years and were good friends when at some point I asked her out and we dated for several years.

    Nowadays I don’t expect it to happen at all, because:

    * my social circle is very small, consists of either married couples or single male friends with same issues
    * my hobbies are either something I do on my own or something I do with my friends.
    * I live in a foreign country now, and while I speak the local language, my unmistakable accent gives me up as a foreigner which in locals’ eyes is almost always equal to a tourist.
    * I don’t like big loud companies, which means going to a bar/club isn’t really an option (plus – I don’t drink alcohol anyway).

  26. Works if you are socially active, but not if you aren’t involved with people at all (from the perspective of most males). If you are at home all day, there’s no one to physically see you. If you don’t do online-dating, there’s also no one knowing you are available; suffice to say, if you don’t participate at all socially, no one will notice you. It’s a bleak outlook on relationship formations, but is the truth (the tallest and healthiest flowers get the most sunset while those under perish).

  27. I’ve done both things: I’ve spent some time being the tryhard approaching anything wearing a dress, and I’ve spent some time focusing on just myself and my work. Neither have gotten me much interest.

    IMO, you have to find a balance of both. Put yourself out there and in situations where you can meet women, but also focus on developing yourself and pursuits that are important to you. Put effort into dating, but don’t make “finding a girlfriend/getting laid” your entire personality. At the end of the day, your relationship with *yourself* is what’s most critical.

  29. It’s more about a balance imo.

    You should be looking.. out for opportunities but not so much that all you do is being out on the hunt.

    But doing absolutely nothing other than sitting at home play video games isn’t gonna work out for you.

  30. I think for a lot of men who are too focused on dating and their lack of dating success, this is good advice if it includes **stop looking, focus on becoming happy yourself. Join some hobbies and activities, make friends, get an active social life.**

    A person just sitting at home depressed and fervently waiting for a partner to swoop in and save them will never be an appealing dating prospect. Happiness is attractive.

  31. It didn’t work for me at all and I think this is particularly poor advice to anyone in their thirties.
    I work in a male dominated industry with long hours. In any case, workplace relations are an HR disaster waiting to happen.
    Despite getting heavily into salsa dancing (which is great fun, by the way) I found that most of the women there were not single, not my type, or just not into me. Most women in that scene go out to have a good time, and that’s it. A lot of them go with their partner, or, bizarrely, leave their partner at home and flirt with other men! I went on a couple of dates with dancers, both of which went poorly. It seems to me that women are far better at being able to enjoy an evening of dancing without actually succumbing to romantic feelings.
    Internet dating worked for me (eventually!) because despite being soul-crushing, it offers one important guarantee: the women you meet are actually serious about wanting a relationship. That doesn’t happen in real life once you get into your thirties. Some of them might not be willing to devote more than ten minutes of their time to you, but at least you’ll know that you are both in the same place for the same reason.

  32. The whole point of that saying is to not look desperate. Desperation is unattractive and if you are frantically looking then you come off that way so it’s a self fulfilling prophesy.

  33. This is only half true… you can meet people wherever you are and you technically can and might meet your perfect match in a Starbucks line or because your mate has some secret lady he’s been hiding from you. That being said for this to happen in a fashion you’re happy to accept you probably need to maximise the opportunities for this… this means 2 things

    1: be social – you have to go out and actually meet a lot of people, some people are socially anxious or don’t have lots of friends to help them meet other friends. Maybe they’re just home bodies… if you fall into this category you’re greatly hindering chances of just falling into a relationship

    2: be cool, this is totally subjective and the things I do to make me cool to the people I like won’t make me cool to the people you like but there are some things that generally carry through most subcultures, things like having a little charisma, being funny, having good hygiene, having generally good health, having a generally positive attitude, etc. some or all of these might apply to you and who you want to date but if you are social and you go everywhere smelling like a dirty arsehole or you are a boring negative sook about your whole existence then it will take a LOT of socialisation to finally meet the person who doesn’t care that you’re a smelly miserable Pratt.

    So… in short it can happen and if you’re a young go getter then sure go out and meet girls organically in life… if you’re a bit of a homebody or you’re someone who might benefit from honing your social skills then get into the system if this is something important to your life

  34. Only works in high school/uni. After that your exposure to new people drops massively and makes this statement a fallacy.

  35. It’s a lie. Or a very misinterpreted technique.

    You can tell that to yourself all you want but in reality, you can “work on yourself” and “not look” for a lot of time and still feel lonely because that’s actually an advice to stop feeling bad by not thinking about it. It’s a distraction to not become desperate or a temporary solution to escape the problem.

    So, if you want to meet someone to date you rather look and search behaving yourself through dating apps, friends or other circunstances, OR by being in the right place at the right time, something as rare as winning the lottery.

    I’m not single because i’m not looking, i’m single because i haven’t done anything about it, not even a dating app.

  36. That just never happens unless you are not looking while talking to multiple women i.e. looking while not committing. Which is what most people talk about and what a lot of women hate (they say they hate when men don’t commit but it turns them on when they have to chase sometimes). Either way your chances of finding someone while not trying is low, lower than actually trying but not committing at the same time.

  38. This is great advice for women, not men. The advice for men should be more like “try girls who aren’t your type”. Telling a man not to try is a great way to make sure he’s single forever, unless he’s regularly in situations weekly where he’s meeting new, single women who are willing to make the first move with him…so yeah if pigs flied I’m sure I could find my future wife while going for an evening unicorn ride down candycane lane after a weekend ice-skating trip in hell.

    The reason people find their mates when “not trying” is because they are going into social situations without their usual laundry list of requirements….that list is a form of self sabotage damaged people like to use to avoid potential emotional pain because…it very hard to argue that they don’t deserve their list…the list isn’t the point, it’s just cope. Once you shed it, people can actually form genuine connections with you.

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