Some background I guess.
I was raised in a military family where the women did a large chunk of the work. My mom cooks, works out, cleans, does yardwork, redecorates the house, trip plans, took care of the kids and works as an administrative assistant for a company full time. My dad works full time and makes music in his office, he’s also the heavy muscle, but is nowhere near as active as my mom. It’s very simular to a lion pride, and they raised us to be independent and only look for others when we want to. They’ve been together over 40 years.
I am the middle child out with an older sister and a younger brother. My sister is very successful having her own house by age 27 with a well paying job. My brother is struggling a bit, but is still well off with his own apartment and in school. I was able to buy my first car at age 20 and had moved out and had my own place for awhile until I was forced to move back due to my ex being a complete waste of oxygen and leaving me with an infant to care for.
I’ve been raised with the mindset that if I wanted something I had to work for it, and that work would not always be fun. Life isn’t suppose to be easy. When I first moved back home, I found myself working as a teacher for a year before I quit and worked at a restaurant that paid much better. There I met my now husband, who was my boss for a time before we were able to get married and move to our own apartment. Once we moved I started working at a vet office as a Kennel Tech and was gifted a second car.
I let my now husband use my first car so long as he promised to keep up with the payments I had been making myself for the past 5 years. I also helped him to switch jobs which he did reluctantly at first, but started to love the change once the paychecks started rolling in and he was able to visit his old job as a customer instead of an employee. Life was great for about 6 months until he was screwed over by his boss at the new job and ended up getting fired.
He went to work a job at Amazon for a bit, but ended up being fired for being unable to pass a drug test (we both smoked weed at the time) and found himself back at his job at the restaurant. We had to give up our apartment due to being unable to afford rent and moved back in with my parents again. His parents live out of a ghetto hotel, so there was no support from their end.
The culture at his restaurant is very lazy and drug oriented, so I asked him to not get stuck back in this job and to continue looking for a better job and to work towards bettering himself by getting his GED.
That was 5 months ago…..
During that time I found out I was pregnant again and forced myself to stop smoking. I began to get a little impatient at his lack of progress and movement forward. His coworkers are not the best people and his job is rather toxic to one’s mental health. He often comes home (around 2am) frustrated with his work and reeking of weed, which my mom hates and it personally triggers me. I try to be supportive, but I feel like all my advice falls on deaf ears as any advice I try to give him now is met with defensiveness, excuses and a victim mentality.
I ask him where he’s at with his GED and he says he’s studying and only needs to pass two more of the subjects, but everytime I go in the room, he’s playing the PS5. I ask him him if he’s paid the car note and he says yes, but two weeks later I get a call from the bank and he’s behind. I ask him if he’s been contributing to the savings account and he says yes, but I ask my sis (who is our savings manager) and she says he hasn’t sent anything. I ask him about the new job and getting a day shift, he says he turned in an application, but I can tell he’s not really trying as it’s been well, 5 months and all the open positions around us are still open.
All these things have gone on for so long now it’s hard not to be upset at him and belive him when he tells me anything. We’ve been able to pay off the car which is great, but since he’s been using it, it’s condition has deteriorated to the point where it’s out of registration and won’t pass inspection so I’ve had to revoke his key and use my funds for its repairs. With me also expecting to go on leave in December and be out for three months healing from a tubal litigation and a c-section, I genuinely don’t know how we are going to make it.
I try to sit my husband down and talk to him about all of my concerns and I am told I am emasculating him and being demeaning when I feel I am only trying to have a civil conversation and be open and honest about the problems I am seeing in the relationship. This has now led to us having frequent arguements as he says I am not being supportive, but I and my family have literally given him everything he has in the relationship right down to the PS5 and it’s just insulting that he would feel Im not supporting him when thats literally all I have done.
We tried relationship counseling but my husband heard the advice that we should ‘take a step back when things get heated and come back when we are calm’ and used that as a reason for him to now just run away from any serious conversation I try and have with him and go to his friends house. He will return hours later with no follow up and reeking of weed.
At this point I’m seriously considering a divorce. I’m at my wits ends with him and with no relief in sight it has caused me to really regret getting pregnant. I live in Texas though so there’s really no going back on that decision, and I just have to struggle through. I don’t want to divorce him as I love him dearly and seen how he can be in the right environment, but I’m extremely nervous about relying on someone who’s not been reliable. I don’t want him to ruin the relationship I have with my parents by him missing payments for us staying here and him not taking stopping smoking and job switching seriously.
I want to be able to talk to him again, but I don’t know how to without being “demeaning” and “emasculating” yet still getting him to understand his new responsibilities and being prepared for the life change that is having another child.
Sorry for the novel of a post, but it’s also kinda a vent I guess. I’m trying to avoid divorce as much as possible as I know relationships aren’t suppose to be easy, but I can’t force myself to sit by idly while he tosses away every opportunity to better himself and our family. My daughter also loves him and he’s really good with her, so I don’t want to break her heart by leaving him. I’m trying to set a good example for her like my parents did me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙏🏾
TLDR: My husband says I emasculate and demean him whenever I try to speak about adult topics. Therapy has back fired and I’m trying to avoid divorce. Need advice. Preferably positive.
14 comments
You married a man-child. And you cannot make him grow up, he gets angry and throw emasculation back at you, but it is his way of holding his breath until he turns blue.
Do not expect him to be a good model for your children.
BTW – You never mention whether you love him. Now how he is as a parent. You certainly do not respect him.
So what is to save?
You can’t emasculate a man who was never a “man” to begin with. Real men don’t sit idly by and let their financial situation fall into dismay while their pregnant wife does all the work. It’s lovely that you want to work on it, but set some boundaries and some time constraints. You don’t want to be walking into his room in five years with three kids on your hip, asking him to stop playing video games.
OP, it sounds like he is behaving exactly the same as he was when you met him and married him. He is back at the same job doing the same things. So, to me it seems like you chose the wrong man based on what you want for your life. Every positive forward motion he has made has been because you got him a job or told him what to do, I don’t think he truly wanted to do any of it and clearly he isn’t a self motivated person. You made the classic mistake of marrying him for his potential, you married him because he COULD be a good man for you. You expected him to change, but he doesn’t seem to want to, so here you are. That was a very big mistake.
From his standpoint, he is working and bringing in income and he isn’t doing worse than when you met and married him. He is probably thinking – if this was good enough before, why isn’t it good enough now? Why did she marry me if she wanted someone with a good career who doesn’t smoke weed and play video games? He probably feels like you expect him to change so you can meet your goals, and you don’t accept him as he is, which is actually pretty accurate. I’m not saying he is right, I’m just saying how he might feel about this.
Now things are different because you have a child on the way, and that requires even more income and work for both of you. He doesn’t seem too concerned about building a life with you and he has straight up lied about the bills and has not made his contributions to the savings. Instead of gaining a husband, it sounds like you gained a dependent. Now you have two kids plus the one on the way.
I would just sit him down and tell him that you are very concerned about the future, because although he is basically the same person as when you met him, the situation has changed. You are going to be parents, and you can’t live with your parents forever either. Their kindness is going to wear thin eventually, and you two need to get your own place and start your life together. In order for that to happen, it seems like you need more income. So, stop telling him HOW to get it and just tell him what income he needs to make in order to make living on your own and supporting yourself a possibility. Tell him you expect him to do his part to support this growing family if he wants to stay married, and since he is a grown ass man, he can figure out for himself how he wants to make it happen. Give him a timeline by which he needs to provide this income, and then back off. He will either step up, and then there is hope that he can continue to make positive changes, or he won’t, and then maybe you should consider just accepting that you chose wrong and getting a divorce. In other words, just tell him what the goal is, and then let him reach it whatever way he chooses.
Dude what the fuuuck??? Your husband wants a mother, not a wife.
It’s impossible not to emasculate a man child. They aren’t men yet. You husband is still a child, he’s not ready to be a husband. Maybe he’s sharp in most things, but he’s socially and emotionally retarded. He still has a lot of catching up to do in those areas.
*You* can’t emasculate him. Only he can do that to himself.
Is a stay-at-home father that cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids “emasculated”? Are those not masculine enough things? It sounds like your mom did plenty of traditionally manly jobs like yard work. Did your dad feel emasculated? Or did he love the fact that he had a driven capable partner? It sounds like your family was about doing all you can re work and achievement without worrying about what was labeled a man’s job or woman’s job.
You married someone who has radically different drive and capability than yourself. If you’re content with taking care of him for the rest of your life (essentially another child), then stay. If you want a real life partner who will work along side you, then you need to consider your exit plan. It honestly sounds like your life has gone off track since meeting/marrying him. What is the (honest) opinion of your parents and siblings?
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/05/28/man-child-long-suffering-wife-couples-meet-counseling-5/
You aren’t emasculating him. What you are doing is not letting him get away with being irresponsible.
The problem is that you can’t change him. He will only change if he finds a reason for it. This includes stopping the weed, or paying for the car, or getting his GED, or anything like that. If he doesn’t have a reason to do it for himself, nothing you say or do will make him do those things.
It is probably in your best interests to divorce him, let him figure out how to live, and only if he decides to take responsibility for himself would you even consent to even a friendship with him.
While relationship counseling is a good idea, I would guess that the therapist didn’t say that if you get heated, that you have to take off and be separate for hours. John Gottman, whose research was published in a book with Nan Silver called *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, notes that they found ways in their research to force a break of ten to fifteen minutes by claiming there were technical problems in their recording equipment when couples got into a heated argument. That short amount of time was enough pause to get people to calm down and re-engage without the high energy from earlier. *That* is likely what sort of “time out” a therapist meant.
If your husband is simply taking advantage of stuff, rather than trying to do things in good faith, there’s not much you can do.
Update: I bought us lunch and sat my husband down so he couldn’t just storm out. I basically gave him a timeline of my expectations. By the end of this month I need him to have a new job. By the end of next month I need him to have his GED. He needs to stop smoking point blank. If he can’t do these things, then our relationship would not be lasting to the end of the year.
I guess I sounded serious enough as he started getting tearful and apologizing. He said he would put in his two weeks today, which I confirmed via his text to his boss. He’s going to talk to them when he goes in today. He also told me he had secretly tried to take his GED test twice more without me knowing (he wanted to surprise me) and he is still struggling on the math and social studies parts. I offered to help him with social studies and find him a tutor for math, which he FINALLY accepted. He scheduled his next test in front of me and actually busted out the study guide I bought him months ago. I offered to help him study all day tomorrow since I am off work, and I actually think he may be serious this time about taking the time to study and work on what he is struggling with. He turned off his Star Wars.
My mom also was eavesdropping (as she does) so she offered to help him get to the test and on rides he may need since the car is out for the moment until I can get it legal again. He promised he would stop smoking and even said he would take tests just to prove it, and I told him I’ll have his first one by the end of the month. I don’t really expect it to be clean, but I do expect it to be faint if he truly is not smoking.
He said he’s going to start contributing to the savings more and that he doesn’t want to loose me and I said I feel the same and don’t think he’s a failure, he just can’t give up when he gets knocked down. Even my mom said he’s not a failure, he just gets stuck. My mom can be a hard ass, but she still loves him like a son. We kinda all had a heartfelt moment, and I am hoping he sees that and uses it as his second wind to get back where he needs to be. Though only time will tell at this point.
Thank you, everyone, for the advice! I’m really hoping he is able to pass and have his confidence be rebuilt. I guess I can update this in a few months with the results.
Wow, I love all these comments already. I rarely say it, but give him an ultimatum, and I know what will happen he won’t do a damn thing. Kick him to the curb.
I am thinking at this point there are more things you don’t like about him than there are things you do. As for loving him well, I think you are lying to yourself. You have pregnancy hormones, and they are acting and treating him like the child he is. I didn’t say you were emasculating him. He is a child when all he does is work, smoke weed, jump on you once in a while, and play video games. He is taking no responsibility, and he is taking advantage of you and your family. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree… His parents are living where?
Honey, you need to tell him shape up or ship out. You don’t want your children to be exposed to him any longer. I would say he’s a dead beat.
As is common, You married the opposite of your dad.
Advice that is adjacent to what you really want to hear: stop having sex with losers.
And I mean that in the most respectful way possible, but the men you are procreating with are not ambitious and will not be active and involved fathers or husbands.
You deserve better, stop making excuses for them (ex: men mature slower than women… no that’s bullshit, you just have low standards, stop rewarding immature idiots with sex).
Focus on you and your kids for a while, kick this clown out, you’re clearly going to be fine on your own.
Does he resent you for persuading him to leave the restaurant job for the other job; which he was subsequently fired from? He jumped from the pot into the fire at your suggestion. Maybe he’s passively upset about that. Those are my only thoughts on this aspect.
Your husband sounds like a whiny bitch of a man. Clearly you can do better. Seems to me the only thing he has done is hold you back. Not trying to be an ass here just calling it as I see it.
I mean, can’t you at least marry a guy who graduated high school (or at least got a GED)? It’s crazy to me that this is the guy you’d pick to marry in the first place.