TL;DR: The marriage has finally ended and I am so angry and confused.
Hi guys. Remember me? Yep it happened and for all the people who told me I should have dropped his sorry ass, I’m sorry. I should’ve listened.
It all came to an end two weeks ago on the Friday before Labor Day weekend. My husband wanted to take a beach trip with the friends that have been a problem since day one. The same friends who were so disrespectful and trashed women so much. Friends who if I hadn’t agreed to them coming to our wedding, he was going to call it off. Friends who loved to stir up trouble. I tried to argue that it was our first year of marriage and I didn’t feel comfortable with him being gone for a week and that I didn’t want him to blow a lot of our money in our joint bank account (like he did with this own last year) because we needed to save it for our honeymoon. He still wanted to go. He didn’t care about how I felt about it.
I had finally snapped. Months and months of relationship counseling with a therapist and preacher (who basically told my husband to straighten up because he’s failing) and he was back to where he started, being a selfish ass. I yelled at him. I told him he was two years away from being 30 and I couldn’t understand why he acted like such a child and needed to grow up. I even asked if there was a woman at the beach because it would just make more sense to me if there was instead of him just throwing a temper tantrum over his shitty guy friends. He got offended that I dare suggest that though.
Majority of the time we were arguing, he stood there and had a smirk on his face. That smirk only made me angrier and blow up more. We had discussed trying for a kid next year and I told him that was off the table now because we wouldn’t try until he got his act together. That pissed him off and he thought that was ridiculous, and that he wouldn’t go to the beach if we had a kid. I only got angrier and asked why does having a kid suddenly gain me more value and my opinions suddenly matter more. He only stood there and stared at me. I continued to fuss more and he continued to stand there and smirk. I asked him if he just wanted a doormat for a wife who kept her mouth shut and didn’t give an opinion, and what did he do: just stood there, staring and smirking. I recounted what the preacher and therapist said and he told me he didn’t care what they said anymore.
I told him if he went it would be detrimental to our marriage and it might end in divorce to which he said he was okay with. I was floored. I ended the convo with saying I’ll talk to him more in the morning and he needed to sleep on the couch. I went to bed and took a Benadryl because my allergies were through the roof. When I woke up at 7:30 the next morning and went out to the living room, he was gone. He had just left with no note and nothing to say at all. He even turned off the motion activation on our ring so I wouldn’t know when he was leaving and loading the car up. I packed some clothes and decided to call my parents and tell them what happened. They took me back to their house. I called him three times and texted him twice and never received a response. I saw on Life360 that he was in town for five hours at his parents house (his friends were at their house and I know that because they live across the street from my parents) and then out to eat with his buddies (I’m assuming) before he headed for the beach. He also removed my device from our ring system during that time so I couldn’t see past footage or who was coming/going. I pretty much knew then that I needed to move out and divorce his sorry ass. So my parents helped me and now I’m living with my parents. I should have the separation papers done this week to have signed.
I feel so stupid now. All the red flags were there and I ignored them because I loved him. I even saved myself for my husband and gave him my virginity because it was important to me and now he’ll have that piece of me forever and I’m heartbroken. I toggle between anger and sadness. I want revenge but I know I won’t ever get it. He gets to spend time with his stupid friends and do whatever he wants and be happy and I had to give up my marriage and the dream of a family and be depressed about it. I don’t see how any of this is fair. But most of all, I feel like an idiot and I can’t believe I thought he would change and stay changed.
18 comments
You come to reddit with stories about your horrible marriage, they tell you it’s not going to get better, you say “no you’re wrong I’m going to live with my choices and be happy” only to come back again a few months later complaining about your horrible marriage.
I hope this is just an exercise for your writing, and if it’s not I hope you can get out of this marriage and channel your heartbreak into your art.
Congratulations on making it through.
What a blessing to be able to move forward without an innocent child or two anchoring you to your ex.
Good on you doing this before children and many more years with him.
Q; Have you talked after moving out? Is he doing anything?
You sound like a nightmare of a wife. Not sure why a guy like him agreed to marry you, but he has handled it well and promptly removed this bullshit from his life without much consequences for himself.
I dont understand why you continue to argue with him/ try to contact him. Do you not feel humiliated? He doesn’t care. The fact that he’s smirking is that he finds it funny. He knows he can do whatever the fuck he wants bcos at the end of the day all your going to do is nag, issue ultimatums but don’t ever follow through with ypur words.
I can not imagine a lower rung in hell.
A quote from one of your previous posts *”You’re right. I have nothing to prove to you or anyone, but I’ll continue to live my life and be happy. You’re just some random person out there who just wants to comment to comment and doesn’t really care at the end of the day because you don’t truly know me or my life.*
*I’d hate to be as negative as you though. I hope you’ll be able to have a more positive outlook of redemption one day.”*
How does that humble pie you’re eating taste? You’re young so I’ll cut you some slack because I get it’s easy to blow off comments as “just people on the internet”…..even though you’re the one posting to the internet looking for opinions. But often times people are speaking from experience. They’re finding parallels in your story to how their life has gone and giving you an educated guess as to how things are going to pan out. Perhaps in the future you’ll actually take the well won advice people try to give you instead of assuming they’re just negative people trying to tear you down. Especially since your last post was exactly 2 months ago and the person you were saying you would “hate to be as negative as” offered you this gem “Here’s a prediction: maybe *2 months in*, you have another fight. He blows up on you. You cry.” I mean talk about being right on the money…..
You are only 21.. i made huge mistakes at your age. i am 29 and looking back at things i did and things i let people get away with… wow. what i would give to be 21 again though because you have your entire 20’s ahead of you. this is a painful life lesson… a really awful painful one. but you are 21… your dream of having a family and a happy marriage is still in the cards but with a man that will love and respect you. We have all thought they would change.
You don’t have to give up your dream of being a wife and mother. You’re only 21. Get an annulment or divorce; either works. Be careful to not get pregnant by the soon-2-b ex. (Men also “baby trap” partners!). Then continue living @ home because it’s cheaper. Improve your financial situation. Get out and meet people. Another men will come along.
Boys will be boys but they won’t grow old surrounded by a loving wife and kids
Your husband sounds like a total asshole… you said he’s your first? A lot of people’s first bf/gf do not work out and you learn from that experience. Even though I’d say most of us don’t marry our first, so you may have that extra legal piece to deal with, but at least no kid to tie you down to him. Anyway you’re young and you will find another man that respects you and treats you well. This is just the beginning of your story, good luck to you
Just fyi: virginity is not “a piece of you he will have forever.”
You are not a meal he ate, a toy he bought, or property he graffitied.
I wasn’t aware of your situation, but I’ve just read over an old post to familiarise myself. I think you need a bit of support from a 55-year-old mother of 4 who has the life experience to see the big picture.
You are only 21. At 21, I was headstrong and I thought I knew everything. I can see the same trait in my 21-year-old son now. When you’re 21, you want what you want and you pay no heed to what other people, especially your parents, may be telling you. It’s only after you’ve been buffeted by the vicissitudes of life that you gain wisdom. You are NOT stupid. You’re just young, and in time you’ll be able to put all this in perspective. I think your parents understand that, which is why they’re being supportive. They are not disappointed in you. They still love you just as much as they always have, and they’re proud of you for standing up for yourself and extracting yourself from what was a terrible marriage.
You are not at fault for what has happened. This man is an asshole and you are well shot of him. However, you have learned some lessons that will prove to be very valuable. You have learned to be assertive. You have learned that when a situation is intractably hard, there’s a point where it’s not only okay but optimal to cut your losses and walk away. You have learned that you value yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this man. And when you ultimately meet and fall in love with a good man, you will love and appreciate him all the more because of this dreadful experience you’ve had.
We all make mistakes, especially when we’re young. There is not one person commenting here who can’t recall some time in their life that they’d have dealt with differently if they’d known then what they know now. I know it doesn’t feel this way right now, but everything is going to be okay. For now, just give yourself space and time to heal. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it’s going to be magnificent. xx
>I… gave him my virginity because it was important to me and now he’ll have that piece of me forever
I appreciate that as a Christian, virginity mean something specific to you, but I think it’s really really important not to frame your sexual history this way. While having sex for the first time is considered a sacred event in your religion, the concept of virginity is not a piece of you that you can give away, or that he can carry with him. It’s just something that existed and then stopped existing.
(To be clear: I’m an ex-Catholic agnostic, and I don’t believe virginity exists other than in our minds; the language I’m using here is trying to meet you where you’re at rather than a reflection of my beliefs).
I fully respect and understand treating sex as a form of intimacy that you view as sacred. I’m actually quite similar. I waited until I was with a partner I really trusted and respected. I’m glad I did! We were together for 8 years! But the sexual relationship I had with him was not more meaningful than the sexual relationships I’ve had with other partners since then – in fact, later sexual relationships have had a deeper connection and deeper intimacy. The fact that your first person turned out to treat you badly does not negate the depth of intimacy, nor the sacredness, of your future sexual relationships.
Everyone makes mistakes. You had a dream with this guy. Mourn the death of that dream.
The farther you get away from him your eyes will open. Especially when you find the man you deserve.
Once this chapter closes I hope you live a happy life that you dreamed of. 💜
I know it feels like your life is over and he took everything from you, but he only hurt himself with this. You’re so so so young and you have so much time to find the **right** guy. The real right guy. You seem to have a lot of love to give and are really mature. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll find someone who is on your level. He just gave you the gift of starting anew. And I know you want revenge but the way this dude is going to live out his life will be it’s own revenge.
You aren’t stupid. It’s hard being a Mom to a 28-year-old man. You are going to be fine and aim to meet a partner rather than a project.
Dear, your life is ahead of you. You’re only 21. I do NOT mean to sound patronizing, but you have no idea how much lies ahead of you. Your life has barely just begun.
You will overcome this. And in your life, perhaps many more of these will come, and each time, you will hurt, heal, and rebuild. I know it’s hard to see right now, but believe in yourself. Reconnect with your best, loving, most kindest self and move forward as a better person.
Best of luck.