My wife needs help, but she refuses to even entertain talking to someone. Here is an example:
Washing your ass should be a simple and personal affair, but for the last 10 years, it’s been a point of contention between my wife and I.
I’m a guy. I have a hairy ass. I eat a balanced diet and frequently use the bathroom. I’m also a clean ass enthusiast. I want a bidet but she is grossed out by it (this illogical behavior is largely based on her diagnosed OCD that she refuses to address or treat).
I used to use a loofah puff thing to wash and I would throughly rinse it after. I understand that this isn’t perfect insofar as spreading ass contamination but it seemed reasonable to me. One day we moved to a place with a glass shower and she saw me cleaning myself while she was in the bathroom getting ready. She fairly freaked out and told me to throw my shower puff away, that she would get me a new one and to not do that anymore.
Perplexed I asked how would one go about cleaning their ass and she just said “not like that”. She replaced the loofah and I just switched to a well soaped hand and a proper rinse after. She nipped at me for years about this new tactic and demanded that I spray disinfectant on the shower after I used it.
Last night I thought she had suggested that I join her in the shower which is sort of rare for us but I’m not missing that opportunity. I find my wife incredibly attractive physically. Whilst showering I just did my normal patterns of hair, face, pits, torso, balls, ass, feet, and she lost it. She was so grossed out she left the shower and told me that if I had something else on my mind that window was closed.
When I asked her how she washes her ass she evidently follows the “free flowing water” school of thought. Which, if human feces got on any other part of her body would require a through sanitation but her ass is off limits to even soap, which makes me feel better as it’s always been closed to me. But that begs the question of is that ass clean? We may never know.
This is but one vignette but it repeats itself in dozens of incidents each day. She regularly cooks chicken to well last 200 F because she is worried about salmonella. Half the time when I cook it, even if I show her a thermometer that puts the chicken at 165-170 she almost universally refuses to eat it.
Going to a hotel is hell. It’s not sexy or relaxing. I regularly take our bags up and then go take the kids to go do something while she lysols the absolute fuck out of the room. I wipe down light switches and remotes when I stay in a hotel but that’s the extent of it. She brings a tote of cleaning supplies with her every trip.
Sex is also largely yucky to her. I rarely if ever get to go down on her because “what if you have a cold sore” or some other nonsense. And I love foreplay. She has never in 20+ years initiated sex. That’s not hyperbole; she has literally never said “come make love to me now” or just unzipped my pants. I have to stage everything and make sure all conditions are right, and also make sure I did not upset her about something. This used to bother me more but I think my testosterone has tapered and now it’s just the way it is. She came from a fundamentalist Christian home and her parents never display any sort of affection, be it verbal or physical.
Anyway I have decided that if my pleas for her to seek help for this known issue aren’t going to be responded to, I’m just going to stop catering to the irrational side of her. Honestly if there wasn’t a scenario that required both of us to lose time with our kids I would probably seek separation. We generally don’t fight because I’m a compromiser/people pleaser. I hate that I let things get so bad that I am at this point. I’m 40 and I don’t want to live the rest of my life this way.
Finally I’m not coming at this from a complete novice position. I did 20 in the army with over 5 years on ground in Iraq and Afghanistan in direct combat operations. I then got to spend a decade in therapy working out my own shit I brought home with me. I know it works and can help, but she is completely uninterested in seeking help even though I regularly ask her. I am down for couples, individual whatever as long as we can make some progress.
AITA?
33 comments
Germaphobe. You aren’t going to fix this and if she refuses treatment (which I’d be surprised if even this helps), this is what the rest of your life is going to be like, Just get used to it or get a divorce. Sucks man, sorry.
Re: washing your ass in the shower
Does she realize soap kills bacteria?
How exactly does she wash her own ass?
If all she’s doing is letting water run over it in the shower, how is that different to a bidet?
Sounds like this is deeper than just cleaning. How does she feel about touching her/your ass/genitalia generally?
Armchair diagnosis coming at ya. She sounds OCD to me. An experienced therapist should be able to help. But she has to agree and engage.
You might try learning non violent communication (NVC) to communicate your needs and request that she try therapy. It’s the gentlest and most direct communication style you can employ. Check out some you tube videos and maybe pick up a book. Good luck.
i would just like to say that you are washing your ass appropriately so dont worry about that! lol
seriously though she is so afraid of her own body she cannot even wash properly. that is unfortunate.
Well my bf got this sprayer thing that just screws on to the water in the back of the toilet. It was cheap and power washes the ass. Also, you are not the AH. I don’t know that she is either. You two just have some differences that need worked out.
She has a serious mental illness that she won’t treat. Personally, that’s a deal-breaker for me at this point. Have you told her, “you need to get treatment for your OCD or I can’t stay married to you? I can’t keep on living with this.” Assuming it’s true, and that’s where I’d be.
Trying to accommodate her illness is pointless, as is trying to reason her out of it. The problem is that she won’t take responsibility for an illness she knows she has, and is trying to control you instead.
If you aren’t ready to leave, have you tried just ignoring her? Don’t try to talk her out of things, if she raises an ocd issue tell her you’ll talk to her about it after she’s getting treatment. Stop tip toeing around.
What reason does she give for not wanting therapy?
I’m assuming a lot here, but her upbringing in a fundamentalist Christian home probably embedded a lot more shame and trauma that you or she realizes. The shame around the body and sexuality is so strong, especially for women, in that culture. She’s so good at repressing all that she doesn’t even know how much it’s happening. By certain standards, she sounds like she’s winning at being a mom and wife by being hyper-vigilant and maintaining modesty. Why would she go to therapy to learn how to be less good at repressing her desires and less good at keeping a clean house for her family?
As a wife of a hairy man, I too was surprised at the effort he put into washing his ass. But it makes sense, the more hair you got over there the more effort you have to put into it.
Sounds exhausting, just find a better wife, she ain’t. Plus she’s a control freak.
I never thought I’d see the day where a man posts on Reddit and he washes his butt lol. Bidets are the best thing ever. It took me a long time to convince my husband and then when he finally tried it he told me I should have made him try it sooner lol.
Your wife does sound as if she needs help with her mental health. Is she not willing to compromise at all? She needs some therapy and this is not something that will get better on it’s own. Left untreated it can even get worse over time. C
You’re in the shower to get clean. I’d be disgusted if my fiance DIDNT put soap on his ass.
I’m just baffled and a bit sad every time I see a post about adults not knowing how to wash themselves. Maybe it’s because I’m from the Caribbean (where we usually shower 2-3 times a day), but these posts kinda gross me out. I always wonder about the smells when having sex.
Brother, I truly hope you’re able to get her the help she deserves.
She’s right about the loofah, dude.
Get ~10 wash clothes instead. Fresh one everyday.
I enjoyed reading this! You know how to tell a story. You are correct about how one should wash oneself, and spraying Lysol everywhere is just wrong. I do not want to be breathing that shit in.
How old are your children? Was she responsible for bathing them? How was she about changing diapers and wiping their butts? How is their hygiene as they age? Is this something that has intensified recently, or were your kids not taught anything?
This marriage sounds exhausting af and your wife’s ass must smell terribly
I’m glad you’ve moved past shit, shower, and shave. As an Air Force dude, I always hoped there wasn’t some army guy in the shower before me.
To me, this is pretty simple. She has a diagnosed mental illness. By its very nature, it’s irrational. So many of these comments are trying to reason with her behavior. There is no reasoning.
You agree to take care of each other when you get married. But that also comes with the expectation that you do your best to take care of yourself. She can’t help having OCD but it’s reasonable for you to expect her to do her part dealing with it. I.e. seeing a professional.
Fuck that get a $30 bidet off Amazon and it’ll change your life. If she doesn’t want a clean ass then that’s her problem. Don’t let her take away your ass puff it’s literally the best way to clean your ass!
How do people live like this?
Untreated OCD would be a dealbreaker. Just discussed with husband next to me and he agrees.
Honestly I’m not sure if she will want any kind of help, this seems to be just the way she is. It sounds pretty joyless to be honest.
Rule of thumb: The person who refuses to go to counseling when approached is almost ALWAYS the problem in the relationship
Honestly it sounds like you need to pull out the big guns, so to speak – “wife, I’ve tried to talk to you about this many times before but you haven’t listened. I’m at breaking point. Your brain is unwell and you need help. Our marriage needs help. I don’t know if I can continue in this way if you refuse again to get therapy.”
The phrasing of that is probably terrible – don’t quote me! – but that needs to be the general message. Let her know you’re deadly serious and the stakes are high. And, at the same time, let her know you truly believe she can be well again and manage this disorder with help, and that you’ll be there for her 100% as long as she’s trying.
First and foremost, thank you for your service 🙏🏼.
Now…why did you marry her again? I’m lost here. This all seems like stuff you’d discover in the first 2 years together. Unless she fooled you and was a completely different person before you married her? I know that can happen. But if she changed so drastically, why did you stay? You mentioned she’s never once initiated sex so was she always this way? If she had all these issues openly, why did you marry? From your description, this doesn’t seem like love. It seems more like an arrangement. Don’t spend the rest of your life this miserable. You have already sacrificed tremendously for our nation. You deserve to spend the rest of your days happy with a woman who truly loves you and shows it.
Also high five on your hygiene 🤚🏼. She is lacking big time. I have a bidet. Relationships are about compromise and she’s not partaking in that aspect. She needs to seek help from a professional, outside opinion. At least it’s an attempt to try and she owes that to herself, her children and to her husband.
The old saying “cleanliness is next to godliness”
Comes to mind here. It sounds like she does need help. But that’s a lot of years she’s been subject to all of that practice.
Buy a bidet from Amazon and install it yourself. Do you really want to stay with this person? OCD will not be cured.
1. Get a Japanese toilet with a built in bidet. I have one on every toilet and won’t go without it.
2. You can wash your ass with a soapy hand, nothing wrong with that. Get a shower head with the removable hand held sprayer, and use hot water down there after the soapy hand.
3. I wouldn’t take a shower with her as she is a bit wacky about it. Or, just wash her and wash yourself before or after she is in there.
4. Re: the hotel, if she wants to do stuff like that, let her, as long as she doesn’t want you to join in. Personally, I’d enjoy being with the kids without her.
5. If my wife cooked chicken to 200 degrees, I’d divorce her immediately
I would laugh but this is a serious situation.
The only option I see is giving her an ultimatum, get help or I’m leaving and will take fully custody of the children . You’re a war hero, no judge would rule against you.
My Dad was decorated Vietnam veteran and never did anything about his trauma.
He was shit crazy but successful.
Thank for your service and for taking actions on the ptsd.
I’m embarrassed on behalf of the idiots in this country every time I see an episode of House Hunters International where an American asks what a bidet is, then is promptly grossed out. I just don’t get it. Install the bidet and use it and live on your higher ground. Have you tried withholding sex due to the trickle down feces? How does her unclean butt not itch?
As an Italian who has lived in anglosaxon countries without a bidet, I can tell you that you should NOT use a loofah puff to clean your ass. That’s unhygienic. At the end of your shower, use intimate soap and use your hands. Then rinse abundantly and wash your hands thoroughly with hands soap
Diagnosed OCD patient here, chiming in!
So, with any type of mental health disorder, and her’s is no different, her OCD is not her fault, but it IS her responsibility to manage. If you’re a parent or a spouse, managing it is no longer just to help yourself, it’s to minimize the impact that it was on your spouse and children. It’s no longer a “well, it only affects me so I’ll just touch it out and deal with it”. It affects everyone in the household. She is refusing to manage her condition responsibly and, at least for me, that would be a dealbreaker. Yeah, it’s not fun to have to take meds and go to therapy. It gets you out of your comfort zone and will bring up some pain before the healing begins. But she made a choice to marry you. She made a choice to have children. Her problems don’t just affect her, they affect all of you and she has no interest in making that better for any of you.
Here’s an example that might help you have this discussion:
I’m a recovering alcoholic, sober now for many many years. Just like OCD, alcoholism is considered a mental health disorder by the medical community. It’s not my fault that I’m an alcoholic, trust me, my life would’ve been so much easier without this disease. So although I wish it wasn’t (although I’m grateful for it now, because it’s made me a better man through my recovery), it’s my reality and it’s MY responsibility to manage that.
If I drink, I ruin everyone’s life that is close to me. Like a tornado just taking everyone out. So if I relapse, it would have a huge effect on my wife and my kids. They’d be absolutely miserable. So, I have a responsibility to them (and myself) to manage that illness so that it reduces the impact it has on the ones I love most. I’ve learned that as long as I do these five things, staying sober is an absolute breeze (at least after the process of *getting* sober). Those things are:
1.) Go to meetings
2.) Work with my sponsor
3.) Sponsor other guys
4.) Pray and meditate
5.) Be of service to the world around me
If I do those things, then my alcoholism will be managed appropriately and that will reduce the impact it has on my family. Figuring that out was my responsibility, rather it’s fair or not. And after finding what works for me, it is my responsibility to continue to do all of those things for the rest of my life to be the best partner and parent I can be.
If I started refusing to do any of those things, then eventually, maybe not today or next week or next year, but eventually, I’ll end up drinking. And if I end up drinking, then it’s going to have unwanted effects on my life, my wife’s life, and my kids’ lives. So, it’s my responsibility to do all of those things to adequately manage my mental health condition. If I refused to do any of those, and then started drinking again, I’d expect my wife to leave me and I’d expect my kids to not want to be in my life. Because I have a responsibility to them to manage my illness.
Think of your situation with your wife now. Imagine if this was her. Would you just stick around while your wife keeps abusing alcohol, making your life (and the kids lives) worse, if she just refused to do all of those things? Of course not. You’d eventually hit a breaking point of “you manage this appropriately or we are gone”.
She’s refusing to do that. Refusing to take responsibility and seemingly has no care in the world of how her illness affects you. Do you think that’s a situation to stick around in? I’m not saying go straight to divorce, but I’m saying maybe something like “I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t stay married to someone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves while it just blows up all over me. You have a problem and if you want this to work, immediate, sweeping changes must be made towards some kind of progress, otherwise, I have no choice but to assume that this will happen everyday for the rest of our lives and that it’ll get worse, not better. And that’s not something I’m willing to live with for the rest of my life. So take all of that information, and you decide what you should do. I’m not forcing you to do anything, but I won’t stick around if you just refuse to get help to adequately treat your condition. That’s an unreasonable expectation of me. So how you handle now is up to you.”
Mental illness sucks. OCD sucks. It makes life really hard for everyone involved. Fortunately, mine was able to be treated much more effectively after I got and stayed sober, but it’s still there and it’s going away and it’s MY condition, so it’s MY responsibility to treat it. Because I love my wife and kids more than anything. I’d never want them to be miserable and if something is within my control, I’m gonna do what I can to give them the best life possible. You expecting that from your wife is a totally reasonable expectation.
If you ever need to talk or vent about this, my DMs are always open. I’d be glad to help however I can. Best of luck, bud.
She needs help for this OCD my mother had it and all of us were so glad to leave home