TLDR; my bf and I have been together 8 years. Broke up with his ex 9 years ago. He’s been hot and cold but since finding out she’s married and pregnant, he finally wants to look into marriage and start a family. Something I really want. What can we both do to look past his ex and happily move on so we can built our family. I really love him hence why I’m still with him.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We started off as friends and eventually started dating. I found later found out that when we met, him and his ex were in the midst of a breakup. She kicked him out and was back at his parents house.
Since we’ve been together, he always talks about her and somehow finds a way to bring up her name or memory in every conversation. At first I was okay with it because I’ve talked about my ex in the early days (I’m sure most do that when you meet someone new); but with him, it’s been constant. In the past 8 years, I’ve dealt with his mood swings, always bringing up her name and I’ve even caught him stalking her on social media, sending her emails and sending her pictures of us whenever he found out that she had a new man.. and to my knowledge, she didn’t care which angered him even more.
I’ve also noticed that since we’ve been together, he’s been hot and cold with me and our relationship. One minute he loves me, we’re happy, he sees a future with me, then the next minute he’s cold, distant, rude and what not. So I decided to look into it more and get an idea of why he was acting like this because deep down, I was convinced, it had something to do with his ex.
So I spoke with his sister and asked questions about who she was and what was their relationship like etc. She told me that her and the ex still talk as they developed a genuine friendship, she described her as being sweet, funny, quick to help, beautiful, slim, smart and she was well loved by the parents, siblings and friends. She did also say though that she brutally dumped him after finding out he cheated on her. She cheated back and threw him out of her house while he was at work, left town and moved on.
After this conversation (about 2 weeks later), I was on the laptop and a notification came up from his email account. it was her. So I opened the email and decided to read all their exchanges. Most of the emails from her consisted of telling him to not contact her, she has moved on, she’s not interested, however there was the odd email where she was nice to him. I put two and two together and realized that on the days she was rejecting him and making it clear that she wasn’t interested, he would be nice and sweet, posting pics of us, buying me gifts and promising me the world. However, on days where she was nice and not telling him to fuck off, he would act cold and distant with me and hide our pictures on social media.
The last message was on her birthday. He emailed her begging for forgiveness and apologizing for hurting her. He then wished her happy birthday and called her by her full name, reminding her that even after all these years, he still remembers. He also added her on social media and I noticed that he made his pages public. Something that he never does. He even pretended to have the same life as the ex such as travelling (he’s never even left the country in his life) .. She responded by telling him that it’s been 9 years and she’s very much over him, she’s married, pregnant, thriving in her career and she asked that he never contact her again out of respect for her husband. He hasn’t responded to her email to this day. That night I remember that he was sulking, not talking to me, in a bad mood and just different. Now I know why. However, the next day, he was back to loving me and even discussing marriage, something he’s never done, he’s also discussing children which is also a surprise because he’s always said he didn’t want any and flipped out on me when I had a scare.
I’m happy that he’s finally putting his past behind him. I love him and hopefully this teaches him to focus on us and not some ex from a decade ago. Thing is, now I’m being told by friends (and Reddit) that this probably isn’t the relationship for me. Is there anything we can do or I can do to help to move past this and work towards marriage and children ? I really do love him hence why I haven’t left.
34 comments
This guy has been literally stalking his ex for the last decade and *is not into you* but you want to stay with him? Dudeeeee. That’s why he’s still with you. Not because he actually likes you, but because you’re willing to put up with literally YEARS of never being good enough for him. Listen to whoever is in your life that is telling you to get out.
And please go to therapy. You have obviously been wanting to fix him and he is not fixable. This guy should scare you. Someone that hung up on their ex is the kind of person who will escalate past emails!
Also her telling him off hasn’t worked yet. Why do you think it will now? She’s been telling him she’s not interested for AGAIN, YEARS and he hasn’t let go of the hope/possessiveness that is motivating him.
Sounds like she’s going to always be in the way cos he’s not over her nearly a decade after break up. It has nothing to do with you and not even with her, it’s him not dealing with his side. You can love him, but she’s still #1. Unclear if he cheated with you and then she kicked him out as final straw or if it really already was over, but it seems a bit murky. If you’re okay with that secondary place and want to continue taking his shit, hopefully this will be a happy marriage. If she ever becomes single again, he’s going to try to contact her again.
This is a huge red flag. He is not with you because you are the one he wants to be with. He is with you because he can’t have the one he wants. Do you really want to marry and have kids with a guy like that… also I’m not sure you realize he has been emotionally cheating on you for your entire relationship by emailing his ex asking for forgiveness though out your guys whole relationship… don’t settle for this you will regret it. If this girl ever comes back and want a relationship with your boyfriend, he will drop you for her anytime. Do you want to be worrying about that forever?
You deserve someone who wants to be with you and wants the same things as you do, this guy isn’t it.
I don’t think he’s emotionally well. You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. He’s never going to let go of his first love. You can choose to try to ride out the storm. His Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde will eventually destroy your well-being.
Oh yeah he’s SO completely over the ex he’s been pining for during the entire period of your relationship /sarcasm
**WAKE UP! Omg – he’s MORE than still into her – he’s being an obsessive stalker about it.**
If you respected yourself even a little bit, you would’ve been done with him like a few months in 🤷🏾♀️
Do this. Create a fake account, pretending you’re the ex and reach out to him telling him you’re “single” now. Guarantee he’ll drop those wedding and children plans with you.
Not good for you.
Dude needs some hugs though…
Those 8 years were a lie. This guy doesn’t love you, please leave. I can’t imagine being happy about finally getting married for the reason of my bf being salty and jealous his ex is out of bounds legally. Love is not enough to save anything.
He’s a stalker. You really want to be with someone who is a stalker? Really?
To be blunt, you loving him doesn’t matter. He is obsessed with his ex girlfriend, to a level that is honestly creepy. You should’ve broken up with him years ago, because it seems like this has been obvious for a long time. He would dump you for her in a heartbeat. I don’t say that to be cruel, but you need to wake up.
Marriage and children? Seriously? You need to break up with this man, who has so thoroughly disrespected you throughout your entire relationship.
Btw, you know why he’s mentioning those things? Because she has them! It’s to get back at her. It’s still ALL about her.
You are his conciliation prize, he will dump you in a nanosecond if she shows the least bit of interest.
You have wasted 8yrs already, don’t add anymore to that tally.
Find a new bf, one who is over his ex.
I don’t think you really understand this. He has spent the last decade stalking his ex. He’s built her up in his mind to the point that no one will ever compare. Not even the real her can compete with his fantasy of her. He doesn’t want to get married or have children with you. She’s married and having babies, and now he wants it too so she can see it on SM. To him, if he keeps showing her that their life goals match, she will eventually see he’s the perfect man for her. He has been emotionally cheating on you with a fantasy for your entire relationship. You need to get out of this asap. Your bf is not really your bf. You are a stand-in for his ex.
Are you serious? First of all He cheated on someone he’s been obsessed with for 9 years 8 of them was while you’re with him and you’re expecting fidelity from him? I mean how much obvious can he possibly be to show you that he doesn’t want you he’s just settling for you and would leave in a heartbeat if his ex thought about taking him back you were a place holder,honey no please love yourself a bit more than that you deserve sooo much better I can’t believe you put up with this for this long.
He’s not putting his past behind him. He’s still hung up on her and you’re just the space filler he’s using to act like he’s got the same life she has. He’s only talking about marriage and children because she’s married with kids. I’m sorry you can’t see this and that you’re in love with him even though he doesn’t seem to care about you at all. I doubt you’re going to take anyone’s advice here and not marry this man. But if you are able to listen to reason, you need to leave him and go be with someone who actually wants to be with *you* instead of someone who’s just using you to try and get back at their ex somehow.
Are you serious??? the guy never moved on from his ex, he is still obsessed with her and never actually loved you. If she were single, he would drop you in a second. Why are you doing this to yourself? Dont marry this guy, he has never and will never love you!!! He is not emotionally stable, a stalker and yiu are the placeholder
I would have left 7 years ago
He’s still in love with his ex and using you to get back at her, which…if he’s the one that cheated…yikes. Move on, you’ll never replace her in his eyes and yet he still cheated! Don’t waste any more time on him.
If he cheated on and disrespected someone he is literally obsessed with he will do worse to you. Find someone you won’t be second to.
he’s totally fucked in the head
There’s 2 things
If someone is truly invested into the relationship they would never ever want to risk to ruin that relationship by talking about an ex. If you’re still stuck on an ex and you need to vent, well you don’t have a relationship.
An investment into relationship cannot be faked, we use words to process our emotions but our motivation of behavior is the real message, so no, hot and cold means not invested. I can base this of myself i was attached to my ex for 9 whole years and was in several relationships and nothing feels right, until i met my current girl, like my ex doesn’t even exist and she asked me nonstop about my exes, and i told her i wouldn’t even consider talking about my past, rather talk to me about our future.
So, just by him being absolutely inconsiderate and he not even worried that he’s going to lose that relationship by talking about his ex and being hot and cold, just tells you everything you need to know.
You can ether draw a boundary, or move on.
But i guess moving on and actually find yourself a new partner who is emotionally stable and not hung up in the past might probably something to look out. Even the hot and cold, how emotionally damaging this is actually no joke.
So, look with those eyes and not your heart.
Nope. Honey, he’s not over her. If she showed the slightest interest, he’d drop you like a hot potato. He has an unhealthy fixation on her. And you’re likely to always be second fiddle to her. As things stand, your future with him is doomed. He needs counseling, and you need to wake up and rethink your relationship with him.
Your level of delusion is impressive.The only reason he’s still with you is because she rejected him. He’s very clearly not over her and reached out to get back with her. Now that he can’t have her he has settled for you.
From what you described your boyfriend is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He may very well love you, but I doubt he is in love with you. He needs a dose of reality to force him to comes to terms with what is really happening around him, his ex-girlfriend has moved on and doesn’t love him anymore, she has completely committed herself to her husband and no longer has any feelings for him. Its over and has been over for some time.
Unfortunately for you until he can free himself from his ex-girlfriend he can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I suggest you have a talk with him and i further suggest that the both of you seek counseling or at least he does, since he is the one that really needs it.
You seem like a wonderful person that I’m sure any guy would be proud to have as a girlfriend and wife. You deserve someone that will see you as the person you are and cherish you for being yourself. Don’t settle for something less than you deserve. I think the best thing for you is to send your boyfriend to therapy and for you to leave your relationship with him till he can decide who he loves and wants to be with. A separation from him may help him realize just how important you are to him and it also unfortunately could make you realize how little importance you are to him. At least you would find out now and not have wasted more of your life on some guy that could hit the exit the best time he meets someone else that he thinks he is in love with.
Don’t settle for someone else’s leftovers, you deserve better….
Best of luck …..
You might love him, but he doesn’t love you at all.
Red flags all over the place! He wants to get married because his ex from 9 years ago did? Think how absurd that is. He will never get over her and the fact that he hasn’t demonstrates emotional problems.
I don’t think I’ve ever rooted for something to just be a troll account like I did while reading this post.
If this is real OP needs to go get some self-love and self-respect asap and obviously kick the dude to the curve.
To be quite blunt OP: you either dump him now and face the process of hearthbreak and consequent healing or you opt to stay with him and suffer for decades to come by his side.
The dude wasn’t even faithful to the one woman he’s supposedly obsessing over. Why would he be faithful to you? He doesn’t give a crap about you. Never has, never will. He treats you like a chew toy and kicks you anytime he thinks he has a chance with this other woman.
If this is real and you don’t find an ounce of self-love in you at least don’t bring kids to this world. No one deserves such an AH for a father.
The only thing you can do is try couples counselling. It sounds like he’s developed a fixation on his ex. He will have a lot of trouble moving past that on his own.
8 years is a long time to spend with someone you don’t have feelings for, so there might be something to salvage. But as others have said, make sure that he actually loves you, and isn’t using you as a stand in for her.
Do not even think about marriage and kids until you’ve spoken to a counsellor.
why are you settling for this? you deserve better. this is either the worlds longest rebound or he has an obsessive disorder of some kind. either way; get out.
be careful that you don’t want marriage and kids so bad that you’re willing to settle for garbage who doesn’t value you.
you deserve someone who feels the way he feels about his ex. that she was his forever girl and that he loves her above all others. why in the world would you want to be second fiddle? the one he settled for? is that really what you want in life?!
what if she decides one day to humor him? do you think he won’t drop you? do you think he’ll suddenly see the light and put you first if you’re married and have kids?
this man has no integrity and no respect for you. please for the love of all that is holy have some respect for yourself and leave him. marriage isn’t going to change things. he isn’t a good man. let alone a good potential husband.
This is not the guy. No matter how much you want it, how much you ignore your doubts and rush forward anyway (kids, marriage etc) this will never be the guy.
He’s just not that into you.
If she asked him to be with her he’d be gone in a second. You need to really, truly understand that and not tell yourself lies like “after eight years of being hot and cold he’s FINALLY putting his past behind him.” No, he isn’t. He will never be the partner you want him to be. For your sake I hope you break up now rather than after wasting another eight, or thirty, years. Please do not bring children into your bad decisions.
I’m sorry my message is so mean, but it really seems like you need a glass of cold water thrown on you because you seem adamant to view this guy and your relationship with rose coloured glasses, when he’s told you in a thousand different ways, over nearly a decade, that he is just not that into you and will never treat you well.
OP, I would highly recommend you put yourself into therapy once you drop him. I dated a guy once who I later realized was not over his ex and quite frankly, I stayed way longer than I should have. My therapist helped me see what unhealthy behaviors I had and why I engaged in them. You’ve wasted 8 years on this man, but you’re still young. The time is now to get out. Good luck!
Why have you wasted 8 YEARS on this person?! He’s a creepy weirdo who is very obviously using you as a placeholder for his ex. Have some respect for yourself and break up with him now before you waste any more time with this disrespectful garbage man. (And he cheated on her but has the audacity to constantly harass her to try to get back into her life? WOW.)
He only wants to commit more to you to compete with his ex. Don’t fall for it.