We’re both overweight. I’m obese tbh and I feel pretty shitty about my body. My health isn’t the best. I’m on meds (cholesterol, blood pressure and depression) and my doctor told me I need to lose weight asap. My bf is very aware of that as I share with him everything.
The same week I was prescribed something for my cholesterol my bf took me to McDonald’s. I told him I wasn’t going to eat anything because I wanted to change my eating habits but he basically begged me to eat something. He literally hand-fed me fries. Seriously, hand-fed me! I was upset but didn’t want to fight so I ate it. My mistake, I know. A few days after that, he encouraged me to eat sweets.
Fast-forward to this past week… I started a diet, went to the gym every day and managed to lose 4lbs. I’m super excited about it because I’m finally doing something about my health/body. I shared with him the good news Friday night and he sounded excited but Saturday he showed up at my place with my favorite cake and a bag full of candy and chocolate like it was fucking Halloween. He knows I have trouble controlling myself. I was like WTF? but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to fight. (He’s very emotional so I try not to upset him. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes tbh.)
I’m starting to think he is doing this on purpose. Like he wants me fat. What should I do? He knows why I’m dieting but he doesn’t seem to care. Is this a red flag? We’ve been dating for 4 months now and it has been a bit rocky but I do like him very much. I don’t know what to do.
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tldr: I have health issues and need to lose fat, bf buys me sweets and cake.
30 comments
Just dump him. It’s been 16 weeks and you already have to tip toe around his feelings about sabotaging your ability to live.
You need to get into therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself.
I would probably dump him – sure it’s important to be accountable to yourself about your boundaries, but if they are important boundaries and you’re finding yourself struggling to hold them, I would honestly just advise removing yourself from the situation. You told the dude you are having health problems due to weight and he shows up with cake and candy? You’ve been with this guy for four months and it’s rocky, and you’re dancing around your health issues because it might hurt his feelings?
Take some time to take care of yourself. Get confident about asserting your boundaries and recognizing when a guy sucks!
Hey! Number one, I’m so excited for you that you want to feel better and take more control over your health. Number two, I’m sorry that your boyfriend is not respecting your boundaries and supporting you.
It’s hard to know exactly where this is coming from on your boyfriends part. Sometimes in relationships (whether couples or friends), when one person starts taking steps toward self improvement, it makes the other person feel insecure. They may be worried that you will start to feel like you are better than them, or can do better than them. Or they may just feel judged or insecure that they are unable to make that change. It’s also possible he just doesn’t understand how important this is.
Whatever his reason, you need to set a really hard boundary with him. I know this is tough because you’re worried about his reaction, but it’s really important here. Not just for your health and what you need, but also for setting the tone early in the relationship that he needs to respect your choices and support you in them.
You can be nice and clear/stern at the same time. Maybe something like “Hey, I’m not sure you understand how important it is to me to lose weight and eat healthier foods. It’s actually really important to me and when you pressure me into eating foods that I don’t have self control over, I feel really unsupported. I love you the way you are and I am okay with you eating those foods, but I need your help! Can you be my partner in helping me with this?”
Obviously your own words, but something like that. If he reacts poorly, it’s an opportunity to try to dig deeper and try to get to the bottom of WHY he’s been acting this way. Eggshells are bad for relationships – better to step on all of them and get to some real communication!
Hopefully you and he can turn a corner on this and he can be your cheerleader and supporter for the awesome choices you’re making!
Hope this helps and good luck!
Know how you can lose some weight really fast?? Dump this guy. He is an asshole and is showing you who he is, you need to pay attention.
Walking on eggshells at 4 months? Babe.
He doesn’t want you to change, and/or he doesn’t care that you want to change. Either way, unless this relationship is otherwise amazing and you want to go to counselling about it, I’d move on.
Your life and health are more important than his feelings.
If you think he might be able to change, then sit him down and set the boundary.
“I’m losing weight. I’m happy about it. I’m going to keep doing it. Here’s what i need from you, in order to be successful. If you’re not willing to do that? Then we will break up. ”
Then see what happens.
If he’s not willing to try, or SAYS he is, but tries to sabotage you again?
Then you’ll know what you need to do.
Edit: if i were you, I’d just skip straight to the dumping step. This guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He’s not a good person.
You’ve been dating for 4 months and “it’s been rocky” already, that alone should make you reconsider the relationship.
His behavior is inexcusable, he’s clearly trying to sabotage your diet, if it’s because of a fetish, preference or just because he doesn’t think you should lose weight doesn’t matter, he’s not a good person for you.
The best thing you could do at 26 is prioritize your health — both physical and mental — and drop this guy.
He’s definitely doing it on purpose. If you remain obese and lacking in self-confidence, he can continue to put less effort into himself and the relationship. You’ve only been together for 4 months. Don’t let him pull you down and make you ill. Take care, op.
He does want you to be fat. He doesn’t care about your health, he wants to eat whatever he feels like and without you joining in he feels guilty about it. Stop tiptoeing around him and tell him he needs to be supportive or leave. If at only 4 months he’s constantly making you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to not upset him it’s not likely he’s going to be capable of being a supportive partner long term.
Feederism is such a nefarious fetish. Hand feeding and showing up with cake? Yikes…
> We’ve been dating for 4 months now and it has been a bit rocky
Generally speaking, relationships that are rocky this early can’t last. You’re supposed to be transitioning from the introduction stage to the honeymoon phase, where you two both are at your MOST accommodating and MOST understanding. If this is him on his best behavior in an early relationship, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on.
If you’re not quite ready to cut it off yet, I agree with one of the other commenter- draw a boundary, and hard. Tell him that you appreciate that he wants you to be happy and this is a way he’s trying to show care, but he needs to respect your goals and not pressure you into things. Be firm that what he’s done so far is NOT okay. Bring up specific examples, and tell him outright that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and upset. Tell him that going forward, if he starts pressuring you to eat, you will leave temporarily. Physically get up and walk away from him. You will do that ONCE. The second time he pressures you to eat, you will break up and leave for good. He gets one slip, *ever*. If he can’t correct himself, he can’t be around you.
He doesn’t want you to lose weight. He might even be a feeder, in which case he will try to make you gain weight, as part of his fetish.
Even if it’s not that, just get out of this. It’s a 4 month relationship and what he’s doing is gross, don’t make it more complicated than it is.
he definitely has a feeder kink
Girl you found a feeder! Dump him and get your health in order!
You either need to dump him now, or have one last conversation and then dump him if things don’t improve.
He’s blatantly disrespecting you at this point and hindering your ability to improve yourself. Let him sink with the ship, and don’t let him drag you down as well.
Your BF is sabotaging you on purpose. He thinks if you lose weight and become healthier you will leave him.
But you should still leave him. Just do it now.
He is doing it on purpose. If you lose weight, he’ll have to lose weight, too. At the very least, he’d be forced to think about what he eats, and what’s the fun in that?
If he takes you to McD, order a salad. Not super filling, but it’s there and won’t derail you.
And give some serious thought to this person that is supposed to be supporting you, but is actively trying to sabotage your progress.
You need to, in no short terms, make it abundantly clear that if he cannot support your attempt to get healthy than you can’t continue your relationship.
It sounds like they are insecure about your attempts to gain.
Don’t let this persons feelings threaten your health.
Your boyfriend is giving you 2 opportunities for personal growth in these situations. The first is confronting confrontational situations. When you went to McDonald’s and said no I don’t want to eat and he would not take no as an answer. This is when you need to let him know you will stand up for yourself, Your life depends on it.
For instance when he took you to McDonald’s simply state I am not interested in eating here as there are no food options that I will eat. How about going to X restaurant, Salad to Go, Wendy’s are both good choices where you can get healthy food. If he pushes McDonald’s then stay in the car. Tell him that until you develop self control to not eat the foods you’re focusing on you don’t want them around you.
Remember you are not responsible for the way he reacts if he wants to fight about it. Then you need to understand he doesn’t want to support you with this lifestyle change. You can even now, tell him that your concerned with what’s happening in your relationship. You have told him that your working to lose weight so that you can get off the medications with serious side effects and to hopefully reverse some of the damage that you have already done to your body. His actions, the 2 situations you have described tells you that he either isn’t listening to you or isn’t going to support your efforts and you hope was that this would be something that you both could do to have a better relationship. Then ask him what his concerns are.
Please remember he is exerting control over you. This behavior will not change unless you make him acknowledge the pain and hurt he is causing. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He is deliberately sabotaging your diet. He is afraid that if you lose weight you will become “Too good for him” and you will dump him.
Next time he does this, confront him! Ask him WHY HE HATES YOU??? WHY IS HE TRYING TO HURT YOU AND HARM YOUR HEALTH?????
Make him understand that bad food choices are HARMING you! If he actually loves you, he will quit trying to feed you junk. Otherwise, drop him like a greasy burger.
Stick up for yourself, no one else will. If you want to change you can do it, there will always be challenges and he is your first one!
Dump the excess baggage and live your life the way you want without being coerced into some fucked-up kink.
He wants you to be overweight. Either because of a fetish, or insecurity (he might be worried that a healthier you would leave him for someone better), or maybe you bettering yourself would prove that he could be healthier too, he’s just not doing the work.
But regardless of the reason, he’s sabotaging your efforts. And you need to ask yourself if you really want to stay with a person that would sabotage you like that for his own selfish reasons.
First of all, leave him. There are fetishes out there where feeding someone to death is their literal kink. Run.
2nd, and I don’t know why this isn’t common advice on weight loss— get into cold water. Not freezing water mind you, ice plunges are extreme for more then a few minutes, and you want to spend a lot of time in there. Low 70s, and move around in the water. Roughly 60% of your body’s ATP is spent on maintaining core body temp, and when you’re hot or warm all day, that energy just gets stored. Get cold. While you’re in there you *can exercise* but it’s not required. How cold water isn’t apart of every weight loss program is insane to me. That and weight training once you’re at a body weight where weight training is comfortable. The more muscle you have, the more energy used as well. If you don’t have access to a cold pool, do whatever you can to find access to one. It’s beyond worth it.
Also! Dont let him babytrap you!
You are more important than his feelings, never forget that.
You’ve been dating for 4 months. Break up. A 4 month relationship is not worth literally killing yourself over it.
A good supportive partner would encourage and help you in your journey, not hand feed you fries because they feel bad about themselves. Keep going, and leave this guy in the past.
He doesn’t want you to leave him behind and be perceived as being too good for him. And it generally sounds like he needs to focus on himself. He sounds exhausting.
No no no to the walking on eggshells thing! That’s emotional manipulation and my mom has put up with it for 38 years—don’t do this to yourself. Leave him. Relationships shouldn’t be rocky after 4 months anyway…
Dump him.
He’s either a feeder or he’s trying to fatten you up because he’s insecure that once you’ll lose the weight, you’ll dump him. Either way, **very** icky behaviour. 4 months isn’t a long time at all and it’s not a good sign that you already have to walk on eggshells when it comes to your own health to avoid upsetting him.
Dump him and stay consistent with your health & fitness goals. You’ve got this.