So a bit of background. I met her about 5-6 months ago and we immediately hit it off. We’ve had very open communication about both of our pasts and exes. She has a child with her ex husband (we’ll call him Kyle) so they keep lines of communication open as they share custody. During the whole relationship that we’ve had, she’s been open about why she divorced him and I actually met her while she was still going through the divorce. After the divorce finalized we started hanging out more and got into a deeper relationship. She always said she didn’t like Kyle anymore and hated the relationship that they had, if you could call it that, but always wants the best for him because its the father of her kid. They wouldnt go out, he wouldnt spend time with either her or the child unless absolutely necessary. He only played video games. He did some pretty bad stuff to her and her family aswell. She says I’m the polar opposites of what he was. Shes been extremely open about interactions with him even showing me their texts without asking and keeping me on the phone when she picks up her kid from him. Her kids been taking it rough so we’ve been taking things slow up until recently when she’s had me meet her family and her child. I do some side work for her parents business as well.
I should preface this that this is the first normal relationship that both of us feel that we’ve been in. She tells me that its the first time in all if her relationships that she feels calm and cared for and just happy in general. Yesterday, her family and her had me come out to their property for a big barbecue with the entire family for the first time. I though things went great. This morning I woke up to a text from her telling me that she’s felt really lonely today because it’s her would be anniversary with him. I told her I would come and pick her up and go do her favorite activity with her to get it off her mind. He told me that she’s felt really anxious around me recently and she doesn’t know how to feel that I’m meeting and getting closer to her family. She followed up with a text saying that “I shouldnt have said anything to kyle but i messaged him and I just like to break my own heart by opening communication with Kyle. He’s saying he dreams about me and regrets alot and all this stuff but I know how he is..” I feel kind of betrayed and upset about this whole thing and it makes me wonder what she said o him for him to resoond like that to her. She isnt texting me back now and we usually talk 24/7. I’ve tried really hard to make things work with us because she always spoke in a way that indicated that he would never go back with him. She told me she would never because none of her needs were being met and she told me that I met all of her needs. But then this happened to today.
My question is, what do I do? Do I give her time? Do I try to talk with her about it? She never indicated that I gave her anxiety until now so I feel like I shouldn’t even reach out to her. What do I do?
26 comments
To me it seems like she’s intentionally leaving the door open so Kyle can get his act together and come back to her. The fact is he’s the father of their child and he’ll no doubt still be involved. That’s why I hesitate dating single moms.
Dude I’m so sorry, but she was nowhere near ready to get into another relationship. There are some signs of that (like how quickly after the divorce she fell into a deep relationship) but ultimately I’m not trying to victim blame. She rushed and now she’s got cold feet and is rekindling with her ex.
You need to keep yourself safe. I know 6 months is a lot to lose but you’re just going to waste more if you stay.
She’s self sabotaging. She only knows how to have a toxic relationship..its familiar. Shes not over him completely or struggling on how to move forward with another man but still having to co-parent. Her new relationship has come to the point of introducing you to her family and child… that’s the point of no return for her and her ex. Shes may be trying to keep that door open or shut it completely on a romantic level. I would be concerned and take a step back to protect your heart but make it clear to her why. You teach people how to treat you. That’s a boundary that should never be crossed. Appreciate that she was honest but trust is built over time. She’s lost your trust with a man you’ll be in contact with for decades if you want to marry her.
She hasn’t fully moved on I suggest you leave her
The breakup of a marriage is like a death and we mourn it. This is her mourning the loss on her first anniversary where they are no longer together. That doesn’t mean she misses him or their relationship, just that it’s bittersweet.
Because of their co-parenting this will be something that happens from time to time. My ex and I been co-parenting for years. I still send her happy birthdaymothers datother holiday greetings. I still ask about her parents, we joke about shit from our past.
Both of our new spouses have accepted and embraced the relationship and we’re like a family. The end result is that we have a pretty fucking awesome kid.
The kid is the most important person in this equation and his mom and dad are still working shit out. She needs your support to do this and at times you may find yourself irked by it but if you support her and the relationship it will benefit all of you. If you can’t do that then you need to move on.
Be objective dude.
This isn’t going anywhere.
Time to move on.
” I just like to break my own heart by opening communication with Kyle. He’s saying he dreams about me and regrets alot and all this stuff but I know how he is..”
YIKES! She texted that to you, her new boyfriend, after you just met her family. Sounds like you are just a friend, wow, she sure is being honest with you. Take a step back. This sounds like a rebound relationship. She is struggling to move on and you helped her a great deal. I do not see you and her working out in the long run.
Just text her and tell her you don’t want to be the third person in a relationship. Then leave it up to her to get in contact with you if she wants to continue the relationship.
OP show her parents the texts and tell them you can’t stay with her if after all of the bad things you were told about her ex she is still doing this. Tell them you understand if they don’t want you to do any more work for their business, but they deserve to know why you are breaking up with her.
Others have posted good reasons why you should break up, she is not ready to see someone else and no one knows if she will ever be ready. You deserve to find someone that wants to be with you, and it seems she is not that person.
Feels like self sabotaging behavior. 🙁
Don’t date single moms. Her baby daddy is part of your life now too.
You can have two people that divorce and don’t hate each other. They can concede that the relationship didn’t work but build a different relationship based to shared past and mutual respect. Those people wish each other a happy birthday/Christmas and they also recognise mutually relevant dates.
Don’t read too much into this.
It doesn’t sound like she is over him. I’m not saying she wants him back but she jumped from one relationship to another. She needs time alone and to heal.
Too soon. Not ready. Rebound
You deserve better.
Unfortunately man u got caught up as the rebound guy.
I sobbed on the anniversary of 10 years since I had met my ex. It didn’t mean I wanted to be with him again. It was an acknowledgment of the loss of what I thought my life would be.
I didn’t mean to, but I let it out in front of him. It was a kid exchange day and I had mentioned to the kids “I met your dad 10 years ago today.” When I dropped them off they said something about it and I lost it. In front of him. I remember him looking confused and I left quickly.
It definitely didn’t mean I wanted to rekindle our relationship or still be with him. I was just feeling a deep grief about what my life might have been if he hadn’t turned out to be a total shit bag.
Don’t settle for this. This will not end well. She jumped from relationship to relationship. Go ahead and get out of this before you get hurt even more
yeah, nah.
This ain’t it chief – she wasn’t ready and you’d be foolish for sticking around.
She’s trauma bonded with her ex – and the fact you, a healthy stable partner, is now moving closer and closer to her life.
The capacity for this trauma bond to exist is fading – instead of healthily acknowledging the stability and healthiness of the relationship – she’s clutching at straws of her last partnership.
Bottom line, she wasn’t ready for a new relationship – and it wouldn’t be wise to stick around.
She should never have started a relationship with you before her divorce was finalized and she’s had time to settle into her new life. She should not have been introducing you to her son or co-mingling you with her family. It’s all too soon.
You need to take a giant step back and really see what is going on. She doesn’t seem over her ex and that should be a concern for you.
Protect yourself because this is not healthy.
Yup, thats a wrap.
A radical suggestion. Yes talk to her. I know, it’s crazy talk when it comes to Reddit.
Yes, she could still have feelings for her ex and is rethink a relationship with you.
Or she could be worried that she’s going too quickly into another relationship, is suffering anxiety about it and wants it too slow down or maybe even take a break and just be single for a while.
Or maybe it’s a fleeting concern triggered by a significant date, but she has no intention of stopping things with you. Thing is, we here on Reddit can speculate all we want, you won’t know which of those it is until you’ve had a talk with her.
So contact her and ask if you can have a talk without interruptions. Then state your concerns. Be gentle. Let her know you’re all in and want to be in this for the long haul if she is. But make it clear that you’re also not going to be treated as the fall-back guy while she decides what she wants.
Once you’ve had that talk you can decide whether there’s a future in the relationship, with or without further discussions, or whether it’s best to end it now before you invest more time and emotional effort into it.
That would be my advice. But whatever you choose to do, all the best.
As a women I have to say in a stable relationship with a kid: seems like she isnt over her ex and is using you to get over him or maybe even make him jealous?….
Its very sweet of you for wanting to support her buuuut YOU aren’t a support animal: It isnt your job to help her get over her ex!!! Thats 100% her own responsibility.
But what stood out to me: you are her first positive relationship!??? Jikes! If one has multiple problematic relationships, than THEY are also part of the problem and refusing to take responsibility for themselves! Notice how all the failed relationships is always due to her exes and not her!??? Yet she is the common factor…🚩🚩
Either way, 6months in and she has still sooooo many issues!? Bro get out before you get sucked in any more. It will only get worse…
Edit to add: dating someone with emotional baggage isnt always problematic IF they seem to have learned from their experience. For example, if she said: “we got divorced because we disagreed on XYX, failed to communicate about it and lots of incompatibilities creeping up that we previously ignored”, that would be a very good sign of the doing some soul searching, recognizing their own mistakes, learning from it so they wont repeat the same thing. Aka emotionally maturing, something she doesnt seem to possess… kinda alarming seeing her age!
That is so much to be going through for how young you both are (coming from another 28 y/o myself). I can appreciate her honesty and your openness to start a relationship with her despite her baggage (hate to use that term but in this case it fits). Her actions are disrespectful of you and your relationship though I’m sure she doesn’t mean for it to be that way. She’s genuinely struggling but you don’t need to be dragged through what she hasn’t processed yet.
I know you want to see this through but I think this is a sign from the universe to jump ship. It sounds like her boundaries with her ex husband are loose, and it’s possible there’s more behind her guilt. Whatever you do, please not waste your last years of your twenties on some girl who is not over her previous marriage
She still has feelings for her ex which makes your relationship very unstable.
I’d suggest that you should break it off and distance yourself because she shouldn’t be dating anyone until she has moved on from him.
You’ll end up hurt because there is a chance they will get back together if he still misses her as well and they are still talking as if they want to try again. Certainly sounds like they are.
I can’t believe she actually told you what he had texted her. *You*…. Her *boyfriend*!
She isn’t over the ex. It’s only been 5-6 months, just cut your losses and move on.