For the past 6 months or so, our sex life has gone for a toss and I don’t know how to get it back on track. This is now disrupting our normal life (at least for me) and I want to know if there are any suggestions.
We have been married 12 years and have a 10yr old kid. It started when my wife’s fitness career took off and she got busier than usual. She was a stay at home mom for most of the last 10 years taking care of our kid and is obviously now enjoying her work. So now she has less free time and whatever time she does, was spent in taking a break on the phone or taking walks with her friends. I understand she does need to spend extra time on her phone to check out videos of influencers and get ideas for her videos as its apparently necessary in the industry. We do talk everyday about general stuff – chores, kid’s homework, stuff etc. But the physical spark has kinda gone out. Earlier we would get flirty at home, get handsy in the kitchen, have pillow talks – and this would lead to sex some of the time. Now all of these scenarios have disappeared. There’s just no opportunity.
To put things into perspective, we were never screwing like rabbits. It was 2-3 times a week. This has now come down to once in 2 weeks, if I am lucky.
To compound things, she has gotten hotter over the course of getting into fitness and making a career out of it this past year. She was always good looking but now she has a body to blow any guy’s mind. All that around me the whole day with no chance of any action for weeks has left me further frustrated.
I tried communicating. Sharing my thoughts, requesting for spending more time together like before. But this has more often than not led to an argument with me getting branded as the typical high libido male who thinks ‘a relationship is all about sex’. Now I know that’s what it may sound like, but I crave the physical touch and proximity we had before. At the same time, its hard for me to hide my frustration and once a week it does spill out via a snide comment from me. This will lead to another argument, me getting branded and then trying to not bring it up again (unsuccessfully) and ending up passing a comment in a week or so. And the cycle repeats.
At other times when I am interested in doing it and she isn’t, she has commented that she will do it later when she feels like it and I shouldn’t mind as I am high libido and can get it going in a minute. This makes me feel even worse that my feelings don’t matter but my d\*\*\* should be available and ready when she needs it.
I also feel me bringing up her ‘being busy all the time’ makes her feel I resent her new career, which is just not true. And this now makes me not want to bring it up again.
Needless to say, 6 months of this has put a strain on our relationship. I am contemplating trying to divert my mind towards other pursuits – spending more time at the office (and physically away from her), doing a work related training and focusing more on my fitness. A part of me wants her to crave me and maybe better fitness will do it.
I must add she is a great person. Sensitive, smart, looks after herself and in general kind to people. This makes me further confused how such a person would be so out of tune to their partner’s needs.
**Edit 1**: Many posts have suggested she is maybe having an affair. I am positive this is not the case yet. She is loyal. She hangs out with her female friends most of the time. We do share our phone passwords with each other for any emergency and she has never stopped me from casually browsing her Insta profile (I am not active there). Tbh, the thought did cross my mind – after all there are hotter, fitter people around her most of the time. And I don’t rule out the possibility in the future, but I am sure its not the case for now.
31 comments
I see several issues.
First:
>its hard for me to hide my frustration and once a week it does spill out via a snide comment from me.
>and ending up passing a comment in a week or so. And the cycle repeats.
This isn’t helping the situation.
Why would your wife want to have sex with you if you’re consistently making immature, snide comments?
Second:
>I also feel me bringing up her ‘being busy all the time’ makes her feel I resent her new career, which is just not true.
>Now all of these scenarios have disappeared. There’s just no opportunity.
It sounds like you are resentful (regardless of what you say) of your wife spending her time time on her career instead of on sex with you.
Which leads into …
Third:
>requesting for spending more time together like before.
When you request to “spend time together” what are you asking for?
Because it sounds like your idea of “spending time together” is just sex. When’s the last time you took your wife out?
This sounds not only like the sex thing, but rather what happens when influencer life does to one’s personal life and destroys their family. Influencers are often good people to those around them, but pursuing the influencer life means they have to sacrifice from another place that’s willing to give and that’s more often than not the family.
Also are you able to rule out she’s having an affair?
Have you considered her view of what a good looking man has changed? Or if she is cheating on you? A change in lifestyle and change in who she spends her days looking at and being around could lead to her wanting a change in who she is intimate with.
Obviously, this is the VERY bad end of the spectrum but if it has gone from 2-3x a week to maybe every two (75 – 80% drop) then she has for one reason or another lost interest in being intimate. Attraction plays a a role in intimacy.
Sorry to come out with the hammer but figured that’s what you came here for.
She likes walking with friends? Maybe a male friend in particular that you know nothing about. As you said, shes gotten hotter. So others see that too. But it can also be just work. She just does it only six months.
She’s cheating. Now that she’s hot, she found someone more attractive to her.
*We do talk everyday about general stuff – chores, kid’s homework, stuff etc. But the physical spark has kinda gone out. Earlier we would get flirty at home, get handsy in the kitchen, have pillow talks – and this would lead to sex some of the time. Now all of these scenarios have disappeared. There’s just no opportunity.*
So there has been a change in your relationship. It sounds like you still are interested in this aspect of your relationship but she isn’t. HAve you attempted to continue this pre-existing aspect of your relationship and been shut down? Her being busier in life is great but your relationship should not have to suffer.
*I tried communicating. Sharing my thoughts, requesting for spending more time together like before. But this has more often than not led to an argument with me getting branded as the typical high libido male who thinks ‘a relationship is all about sex’.*
From what you wrote this sounds like her trying to shift the discussion from what has changed in your relationship into you being guilted for being understandably frustrated that things have changed. It sounds like your sex life is her lowest priority in the relationship and has always been one of your highest. It is okay to communicate to your wife that you have a need to connect with her and have an active sex life. There is no shame in that being one of your primary personal needs.
*So now she has less free time and whatever time she does, was spent in taking a break on the phone or taking walks with her friends. I understand she does need to spend extra time on her phone to check out videos of influencers and get ideas for her videos as its apparently necessary in the industry. We do talk everyday about general stuff – chores, kid’s homework, stuff etc.*
It sounds like you are her co-worker now in the family and are not a priority. It is fine to co-parent and have you do your part in making your family work but you are not who she wants to prioritize spending time with. Other people and things are more important to her right now.
When people make drastic life changes they tend to re-evaluate their lives. It seems like your wife has disconnected from you as her partner but likes you as her platonic partner in raising kids for now. You are focusing on the short term problem of not having sex on a weekly basis but should focus on the shift that is happening in your marriage right now.
Get into couples counseling so you can voice your concerns in a safe, healthy environment with a mediator.
Let her know on a regular basis how impressed you are with her. Her work, her efforts, her new physical appearance.
Put some more effort into your own, perhaps she’d like to coach you? It’d be a good way to spend some time together.
Ask her what are some things she may want to try in bed. There are intimacy convo cards you can buy online that are fun to play with. Maybe schedule regular monthly date nights solo or with friends and break those out.
She’s could be cheating my dude. Keep both eyes open, what you’re describing is not normal.
Flip the script and stop asking for sex. Imagine how you would act if you were dating your wife again and wanted to sleep with her for the first time. Would you give flowers? Take her out to dinner? Go ice skating or play tennis? Plan a weekend out of town? Get a babysitter if you need to. Create opportunities for quality time where the two of you can reconnect.
If you look deep down what you probably miss most is the emotional connection that you got from physical intimacy. When you talk to your partner don’t tell her what you want from her or what she isn’t doing. Instead tell her how you feel. Do you feel abandoned? Unattractive? Unimportant? Lonely?
Just go to couples therapy so you can have an adult conversation about this and feel more connected.
Good luck (although it sounds like you are already pretty blessed dude).
Social media is the real pandemic no one is talking about
Your confused because being a nice person and wanting to fuck them and suck them off are not equivalent. Your wife has no desire for you specifically and most woman dont just get hotter for the sake of getting hotter. They generally like the attention from someone. That someone isnt you and your missing a much bigger picture and problem here.
I hope you are also getting fit buddy.
When one starts working on their own body, gets hotter and the partner does nothing in that way, it kinda kills the spark. So i think your wife is gets turned on by some other guys but not you.
How fit is she? What’s her bodyfat percentage, and how much time does she spend lifting? It is entirely possible that she’s killing her own libido by overtraining, cutting too aggressively, or keeping herself at an unreasonably low bodyfat level.
Bodybuilders and bikini competitors go through this — by the time competition comes around, they are exhausted, crabby, and would MUCH rather eat a hamburger than have sex.
That’s likely not the whole picture, but it could be a contributing factor. It’s well-known in the fitness world that, at a certain point of elite training, your sex drive goes to shit (both men and women).
I don’t wanna be that guy but is infidelity an option? She is much hotter and busy all the time with a sudden decrease in apparent sex drive. That has some tell tale markings of an affair unfortunately
Work on your own life, fitness, skills, etc. So if you split, you will still have those things. All you can do is work on yourself for yourself. We can’t change other people.
Start working out and training with her to maybe get more time and that spark back! Just a thought
Counselling. She needs to learn the work life balance. Also the misconceptions about high libido. So much to unpack.
Stop waiting for the right situation to arise by coincidence, and start seducing her. Pretend like you’re going on a second date, and do all that stuff. Then start working out, and practice becoming an extraordinary lover. This is a great opportunity to improve yourself and your relationship. Otherwise, your marriage may well collapse
Now as she is also creating a career after years, have you OP taken your part of household duties or does she do it all like before when she was at home? This is one common reason for arguments between couples in Finland as most mothers are working outside home full time, too. If she works full time and does all work at home, while you only work, I’m not at all surprised if she does not want to have sex or spend time at home with you.
Hi. I’m having an affair. She sounds like me. Sorry.
Honestly, echoing the other people.
Counseling.
What you’re dealing with is a very common situation. You’re the high desire partner, she is the low desire. Every 2 weeks isn’t so bad some people. But that’s irrelevant. You have a libido mismatch. And it might be a circumstance where those bi-weekly intercourse sessions are her having sex not because she wants it, but rather she’s doing it for you.
Moreover, your feelings of resentment and hurt because her interest has wained is also common. And is poison for a marriage. Plus, we receive validation from our partners. Like, “I love, and I am loved.” And when something changes, wtf? What does this mean?” And plus, we crave affection.
Seriously, get in front of this ASAP. Because it just won’t fix itself by doing more chores or whatever.
When was the last time you two went on a proper date? We tend to forget fire needs fuel and start taking things for granted.
I know everyone is jumping to cheating, but I dont think thats the case…yet. I think its bad though. I think whats happening is shes prepping herself, psychologically, for a future that doesnt include you. Im not saying that shes making specific plans to divorce you, just that shes 100% focused on herself, and in this new world, theres a high likelihood that your presence is not important. Whats most concerning to me is that you have voiced your dissatisfaction and she doesnt care. That apathy tells me that she does not care if your marriage continues spiraling.
Counseling would be good. But I think you need to get a handle on her current feelings about the marriage. I would let her know that your current cadence, along with her apathy, and general lack of attentiveness is unsustainable and its not going to work for you long term. Im a person that doesn’t throw out the term divorce lightly, but I think you need to gently let her know that this is the path you’re on. Then, most importantly, you need to gauge her reaction. If she seems stunned, like this thought hadn’t occurred to her, then thats probably a good sign that shes just intently focused on her career and has simply ignored other things. However, if shes been considering a future without you, she will likely pick up on this suggestion and escalate it (i.e. “well I guess we’ll just get divorced then”).
Take her out on dates. Treat her like your girlfriend.
Are you into exercise and fitness??
I mean…I don’t want to have sex with my husband when there’s no connection otherwise. I need to be taken on dates (even if they’re just at home), flirted with without expectations, I need to have conversations about life, I need him to show interest in me. I will literally have sex every single day (or twice a day) if those other needs are met. Maybe this is part of the problem… Maybe it’s not. But worth thinking about.
Perhaps she is trying to find herself after being a stay at home mom for 10 years and reclaiming some of her own independence?
You’re not exciting to her anymore. You should not beg for her attention. Pick up your own hobbies and stop concerning yourself so much with her. Put yourself first and make her compromise on household/childcare to where you aren’t the one stuck home all of the time. Don’t be the only one to put effort into the relationship.
>At other times when I am interested in doing it and she isn’t, she has commented that she will do it later when she feels like it and I shouldn’t mind as I am high libido and can get it going in a minute. This makes me feel even worse that my feelings don’t matter but my d*** should be available and ready when she needs it.
yeah, that hurts and your feelings are valid. Why aren’t you entitled to foreplay and excitement? It’s not fair and hurtful for her to have the opinion that she can just whistle and say “walkies” in a high tone to get your dog barking.
>To put things into perspective, we were never screwing like rabbits. It was 2-3 times a week. This has now come down to once in 2 weeks, if I am lucky.
Perspective is relative my sweet summer child. Personally in my LTR with a toddler attached I’m lucky with once every other month with maybe a soul less handy or bj in-between, and all it takes is one quick trip over to r/deadbeadrooms to feel like you two really are going at it like rabbits
Not to invalidate you at all, just something to think about. Definitely have some honest, open conversations with your spouse without anger or frustration coming out. If that doesn’t work maybe some couples sessions would help, but keep in mind, it could be much *much* worse.