My (36m) wife (34f) and I have been together for 11 years and married for 7. We have two children aged 5 and 2.
Our sex life was never the greatest or most adventurous but we have always been a very strong couple and we’re close in lots of ways, physically and emotionally, so I feel we kind of subconsciously let that slide.
After the birth of our eldest child, my wife became almost physically repulsed by me touching her. Not even talking sex but just a hug or a kiss and I could feel her body tense up and she would make excuses to get away “I’m too hot”, “I’m uncomfortable”. She said that she had no idea why but that she still loved me and hoped that it was just a phase that would pass. I respected her boundaries and stepped back on a physical level, but we were still happy (so I thought) and so just carried on.
Fast forward a few years and we decided to try for a second child, so we did start having sex again but it was awkward given the time that had passed and had a feeling of utility about it.
After the birth of our son in early 2021 we have not had sex since. Clearly this is not normal, but my wife would reassure me that she did still find me physically attractive, she did still love me and that she just “had some things to work through”.
We carried on plodding along, just with a vague hope that things would get better I suppose. Last week she dropped the bombshell on me that she hasn’t been happy in our relationship for years and that she now cannot ever imagine us getting our intimate side back. She says that she does want to work on it and we have booked to see a relationship therapist starting next week, but at the moment I just cannot see a way forward if she has no hope of getting that back. We still get along great and present a solid front for the kids. But it absolutely breaks my heart that I’m on the brink of losing everything and all I’ve done is be respectful of my wife’s issues. Since this has come up we have been communicating really well, but it’s clear that the communication had been missing for the last few years. We both have self esteem issues with I think made that worse.
Sorry for my rant, I guess my question is has anyone experienced anything similar. Is there any prospect of rekindling that intimate side when it has been gone for so long?
tl:dr together for 11 years but have totally lost any intimate relationship for last 3/4 years – is there any hope of getting it back?
17 comments
I feel your pain, I could have written most of this word for word from my current situation 😢
If you told her, “let’s have sex tonight” – what would happen?
What is the division of labor like in your household? Who is working and how much?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s really hard.
I’m in a very similar situation. We’re only really just starting to communicate properly about it all when it feels like it could be too little too late. I always felt like if I brought up how I was feeling it would just make her feel like I’m pressuring her and make it worse.
I’m hoping what will work for us is for her to get help with her anxiety around sex and intimacy and me to get help with my years of built up resentment. Being more open and honest has been a good first step though.
Hope it gets better for you.
>After the birth of our eldest child, my wife became almost physically repulsed by me touching her. Not even talking sex but just a hug or a kiss and I could feel her body tense up
I don’t have kids, but from everything I’ve heard from new mothers, it’s fairly common to feel “touched out” and like your body isn’t your own anymore due to just constantly being touched and needed by the child. I’ve seen a lot of people talk about how it affected their intimacy with their partner. I’m not sure if that played into what’s going on here, but you do have two young children–which can be hard on couples anyway with the extra work, exhaustion, and complete life adjustment.
If you both genuinely want to get your romantic spark and intimacy back, couples therapy is probably a good choice, so it’s good you’re doing that already. I know your question is “is there any hope of fixing this” and no one can answer that for you because it depends so much on the two of you and your individual situation.
But, I do think it is absolutely possible for two people who love each other, but who lost their intimacy over the years, to get it back. And I think you start with those small moments of intimacy and work up to sex. While the end goal is to regain all forms of intimacy, including sex, I’d probably say sex shouldn’t be a goal at all at first. You experienced how awkward it felt before your second child. You need to get back the comfortable romantic intimacy you used to have, hugs/kisses that don’t feel perfunctory, etc.
And you both need to actively want to have sex again, and building up the intimacy will hopefully get you there. I know you commented that she doesn’t feel ready and it seems like she feels too distant. If you can get back the playful touching, the cuddling, the long hugs, the compliments — I think there’s a good chance the sexual relationship comes back as well.
It will help if you have people who can watch the kids sometimes so you can have date nights. And also date nights where you stay at home together, reconnect, cuddle on the couch. Try to flirt with each other again. But she needs to be willing to try here and communicate. And it’s still possible she ends up being too checked out, but again… I do feel like it’s also possible things just got lost with kids and stress etc. I hope it works out.
I would start first by having your wife go to the doctor. Pregnancy could have triggered early perimenopause (the 7-10 years before menopause). There are lots of options if that’s the case. Also, how was her labor and delivery? Did she have an episiotomy or 3rd-4th degree tears with either child? This could change how pleasure sex is for her. I would highly recommend Come as You are by Emily Nagoski for you both to read.
Other commenters have done a fabulous job discussing divisions of labor. This could also be the cause if things are uneven.
You’re focused on the intimacy issue, but based on what you’ve written here, the lack of intimacy is a reflection of her unhappiness. You two need to figure out why she has been so unhappy for so long — and why she didn’t or couldn’t talk with you about that. You can only get that understanding through talking with her — and only if she knows, herself — therapy is a great place for figuring that out, so I’m glad you’re working on it. Addressing her overall unhappiness is your best hope for rekindling intimacy.
So she used you for a sperm donor?!?!? She sounds like a terrible person and I would leave her.
Mothers tend to be touched out very easily. We have tiny humans constantly clinging to us all day so after awhile you don’t want anyone else touching you. Your wife didn’t become magically unhappy overnight so questions need to be asked. Who does the child care? What’s the working situation? What’s the money looking like? Who takes care of the house?
Go read
No more Mr nice guy
“I love you, you’re my best friend and don’t want to get divorced, and also I’m 36 and I am not willing for the sexual part of my life to be over forever. And if you love me and I’m your best friend, you wouldn’t ask that of me. I think we should stay married, but as friends and roommates. I’m not trying to meet anyone else, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect to be celibate forever either.”
Then have discreet affairs. And don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t be too shocked if she has one of her own.
I highly suggest couples therapy, preferably someone who specializes in intimacy. Idk where you’re at but Joanna Intara “intimacy alchemist” out on Montana (she does virtual sessions) completely turned my marriage around with my husband. I went from being ready to leave him and feeling no emotional/physical connection to now having a great deal of respect and attraction to him. We did an intense 2 day retreat (pricey) and now see her monthly (affordable). Let me tell you, we’re on a much better road forward both in our marriage but also individually. I do believe there is hope for you both in getting it back. A bumpy road regardless of how long doesn’t mean the road trip is over if you both are committed to your destination. Wish you the best!
After my first child I just could NOT reconcile the sexual part of me with the nurturing mother. Im 100% that even if my marriage back then had been good I wpuld habe ruined it with this issue. I think therapy both joint and individual will help you both.
She said she is unhappy, what were her reasonings? Did you ask? Why is that info missing from this post?
Your wife had 2 very traumatic births, the last one being barely 2 years ago. I know that sounds like plenty of time for her to heal to you, but you’re not a women and you’re not the one who went through it.
People always talk about postpartum, but no one ever mentions just how long the effects of childbirth can have on the female body. Sure the doctor may have cleared her for sex at 6 weeks, but that doesn’t mean she’s actually ready – physically, emotionally, mentally. It can take a long time- even years- for a women’s body and emotional state to get back to the way it was, if ever. It took me 2 years to even be able to have an orgasm again, let alone do certain positions even though the doctor cleared me at 6 weeks.
My point is try to be more understanding. Sex might be an issue, but it’s just a symptom of a bigger one. Your wife is telling you she’s not ready and you’re still insisting on pushing for her to be ready (maybe not directly but I can see how she feels the pressure from you indirectly). Not being happy makes her lack of a libido worse.
Focus on rebuilding the relationship again, not the intimacy. Then as the relationship gets stronger, the sex will naturally return.
My advice would be to go your separate ways as friends now. It’s rare that a marriage can dissolve while the couple still get along. Make the most of it and be fair & amicable through the process.
Your kids will be a little upset at first but they get to see an example of two role models working stuff out if they don’t get a 2 parent family.
That’s way better than both parents growing to resent each other and that resentment turning to hurtful behaviours.
Sometimes things end
So apart from some awkward sex for the purposes of creating a second child, you haven’t had a sex life in approx. 6 years and your wife has straight-up told you she doesn’t see that changing.
Your sex life within your marriage is dead. It isn’t coming back.
I think you should try counseling as it sounds like there’s a lot to unpack on her side. But the key question at this point is what your life looks like as co-parents, not romantic partners.