Men who are secure about their SO’s guy friends, what are some green flags she did to give you the security?

26 comments

1. It’s the type of relationship they have. They have a lot of boundaries that they both respect unconditionally.

2. We talk about everything up front. There’s no mystery. There’s no “my friend” or avoiding pronouns. It’s John or Bill or whomever.

3. She introduced me to all of them and they became my friends too

4. If she wanted to, or wants to, flirt with or fuck them, she had decades before meeting me to do it freely, as I did with my female friends. She also could do it now without me knowing, or being able to stop it.

   What’s the point of worrying about something you can’t change? Instead I put that energy into being the kind of partner you want to come home to and be faithful to – and it pays off.

   I trust her to choose me as I choose her – and no amount of insecurities are going to change that. But you could spend the rest of your life torturing yourself with insecurities about something that hasn’t happened and drive away the best person in your life by accusing them of things they haven’t done…

   There’s no quicker way to lose a good person than to accuse them of doing bad things.

5. I guess this isnt the example you are expecting, but my ex boyfriend (gay) was best friends with his ex. I was jealous and felt really weird about it, but his ex was really friendly to me and demonstrated repeatedly that he liked us as a couple. One day for instance, my bf went out with his group of friends in a hurry without telling me, and it was his friend who remembered him to write me.. idk, stuff like that + he talked to me when we broke up really were indicators that everything was ok, they were just good friends as they always had been and left their little episode behind.

   About your question, if those friends start ignoring you or try to put you aside, then its clearly a red flag.

6. It’s hard to put your concerns across without sounding controlling, insecure, etc. In hindsight, I should have learned that any automatic discounting of your concerns is a red flag and you probably need to move on. Note, automatic, zero discussion, zero consideration.

   Green flags would be to bring it up first. Be honest, don’t automatically blame guy for his feelings, don’t automatically discount them, etc. More information generally puts guy at ease “I’m meeting up with John and Rick at the bar for an hour or two, want me to drag something on way back?” vs “I’m going out with friends.”

   Not to say guys can’t be controlling or insecure. They very much can. But just put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself if you’d be happy. I’ve never had a problem saying where I’m going, who I’m with, and what we’re doing. Not making a huge thing, just what I’m up to. And coordinating what we’re doing after, food schedule, etc. To me, it just seems like being courteous anyways.

7. She asked me to open their texts and read them if she was busy. Phone dings, she’s driving or whatever, says who was that, can you check it? Oh it’s you’re friend Dave. What did he say? Read it out to me.

8. For good or ill, I assume the best by default. I trust her until I have good reason not to.

9. They are gay

10. She let me know and introduced me to all of them. Shit I work with one of them. She said if I have a problem with any of them let me know upfront so she can distance herself. And I appreciate that

11. I am never secure about my wife’s “guy friends”, as we all know 8 out of 10 times, they would bang her given the chance.

    That said, I am secure in my wife and the boundaries she sets around those friendships, just as she is secure in the boundaries I set around my friendships with women.

    Our boundaries are pretty simple:

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    1. Spouses/SO’s are always invited.
    2. Never go to anyone’s residence.
    3. Always drive to any outing independently.
    4. Never get drunk when out alone
    5. No secrets
    6. Keep all conversations strictly friend appropriate.

12. Actually responded to any concerns or questions I had. It took a bit for us to work out that she didn’t need to be defensive and I wasn’t trying to be controlling, but we both had different baggage from past relationships. It was a mutual respect thing to be open and honest.

    To date, she has my full trust and that won’t change without actual evidence to the contrary.

13. My wife’s phone is never glued to her she leaves it everywhere.

14. She just doesn’t flirt, ever. I trust her completely.

15. His nickname is the ballgobbler.

16. It’s not really her green flags that did it. It’s really my own confidence in both myself and our relationship. I’ve been cheated on before in a previous relationship but I never let that experience color any of my others. I went into this one going with the assumption that it wouldn’t happen and knowing I was right. You can’t live your dating life assuming your partner might cheat. It’s no life to live.

17. 1. I’m just not the jealous type.

    2. My wife and I built our entire relationship on principles of open, honest communication, and that kind of behavior breeds nothing but trust.

    3. We both understand and acknowledge that we’re with each other because we genuinely want to be, not because we feel obligated to stay.

    4. We’ve been together almost 17 years. If I can’t feel secure by now, there’s something very, very wrong.

18. My wife doesn’t have any guy friends.

19. We were doing long distance and I explained to her that I felt insecure. It was Halloween, and rather than flipping out on me she talked with me. I will never forget how she made me feel loved in that moment, when I was at my most vulnerable.

20. I do not require green flags for trust. If I commit to being with you I give that trust without collateral. It has never failed me

21. She never hung out with them alone. Ever. I never asked her to not hang out but she has boundaries she set for herself. I was either invited or it didn’t happen.

    I found that highly respectable and appreciated her for that.

    I would have trusted her if she did but we never had to test that. She didn’t want to test that.

    In return, I gave her back the same respect.

22. The green flag was from the friend himself. I know maybe a third of the history, but they have been through some trauma. Always considered each other as siblings and he pretty much declared me as his elder brother.

    Now the two of us gang up to roast my wife.

23. She loves me. We have mutual trust.

24. 1. Her guy friends are in relationships.
    2. Being around them I could read a friendship but no intimacy or connection. Compare to an ex who had a perpetual orbiting single male friend she had great chemistry with – I ended things over it. She cheated on her next 2 boyfriends with him.
    3. She has healthy relationships with her family and has several woman friends as well. She doesn’t just hate all women and have 15 dude orbiters.

    I can read people very accurately and am allergic to that kind of bullshit.

25. If she wanted her guy friends she would be with them instead of me.

26. If she talks about them openly and isn’t afraid to introduce me to them, it’s all good.

    I’d have cause for concern if she spends an oddly high amount of time with them without me, or she’s secretive about what she does during the day.

    There’s just a vibe you can tell when you see them in a room together – there’s a difference between friends being playful and an undertone of attraction.