So. Got divorced last year which meant I no longer had to eat the way my ex wife wanted, (had to be careful to not trigger an ed) so I left the relationship at 335 lbs last summer. Currently I’m sitting at 233 6’4 since my body tends to naturally level out when I eat what my body wants. The issue this has caused that even a month or so between events can mean I look vastly different In pictures and in person. At first I didn’t worry much about it and had pictures up with friends, at conventions, faires and shows.
This led to a period where I would go on dates with someone for the first time, get told I looked too different, or was reverse cat fishing etc and essentially kill off the date for various reasons. A number of shorter term relationships I’ve had ended due to people worrying I would find someone better or was improving myself to find someone else etc.
This led to the current period where I only have selfies on my profile which apparently dissuaded people because I seem to not have hobbies, friends etc. I’m currently at a loss for what to do. I’m also apparently reaching a stage where people seem to assume I eat a highly restrictive diet, (only slightly true, I mostly avoid allergens and still eat a lot) and am a gym person (haven’t been In years) which means my usual type tend to skip me and the people I’m attracting aren’t interesting to me.
22 comments
You’re probably hotter than your pictures but it’s still kind of a red/yellow flag I guess. You’re a stranger and they don’t have anything to go by beyond what you present in your profile, and when that ends up not matching reality they’re thinking what else is this guy not being honest about. There’s a significant number of dangerous men out there so even a subtle idea that they may not be able to trust you is real concern.
Also being a recent divorcee whose body is constantly in flux probably makes you seem like an unstable partner.
Maybe set up some deliberate photoshoots when you’re out with friends, or find old pictures where your body is covered up? Or wear baggy clothes on the date so your body change is less apparant? I dunno dude you’re tall and jacked you can probably figure out some way to make women like you.
> I’m currently at a loss for what to do.
Get a tripod and a remote camera trigger, and take some new photos that aren’t selfies.
Half of my current dating profile I took solo around my home, it takes a little planning but it’s not too bad!
take accurate pictures (not that hard)
A guy catfished me the other day by doing the opposite.
You’re overthinking this.
Take new pics of yourself and only use those. Simple.
Go on some trips with your friends and take new photos!! Smells like opportunity for memories to me 🙂
ask your friends to take photos every time you go out, you’ll have a good collection at some point to choose from where you can pick and choose decent shots
definitely have recent photos that portray what you look like, should it be hair, facial hair, clothes, body type. I’ve been on a date with someone that had a full face of make up on every single photo, and I don’t care for make up but it was super done up cuz they were a make up artist and it said so on their profile, then we met on the date and they had zero make up and said they now hated make up, which was a turn off in all of the ways, not just cuz of the make up. I actually don’t really care for make up.
It seems silly, but it’s more important to have accurate photos than to have a carefully curated collection of photos that show your interests and hobbies.
Get a tripod and a remote camera trigger. Take a bunch of photos in random locations in different outfits. See if some friends will come over and do a fun photo shoot. Then use the text part of your profile to explain your cool hobbies. You got this!
Pose for pictures pretending to do something you actually do and ask friends or family to take them.
It works.
Treat a buddy for a day out one weekend and visit several areas. Have them take photos while youre out. The key is to change clothes between locations, as that makes it look like different days.
Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss and taking control of your health—that’s a huge achievement! It’s unfortunate, though, that your physical changes have led to such complex dating dynamics.
One approach to mitigate the “reverse catfishing” issue could be to regularly update your profile pictures. This keeps your appearance current, reducing the likelihood of mismatched expectations. Including a mix of both selfies and pictures of you engaging in hobbies can show potential matches that you’re well-rounded.
Regarding the concerns that you’re “improving yourself to find someone else,” it sounds like insecurity on the part of your dates. While it’s understandable that they might feel this way, it’s not something you can control. Open communication about your intentions might help alleviate some of these fears, but ultimately, you’ll need a partner who is secure enough to appreciate your self-improvement rather than see it as a threat.
Finally, you mentioned attracting the wrong types of people based on assumptions they make about your lifestyle. To counter this, consider being explicit in your profile about your food habits and your level of gym involvement (or lack thereof). This could help attract people who align more closely with your own lifestyle and interests.
In the end, dating is a numbers game with a lot of trial and error. Keep refining your approach, and remember that the right match will appreciate you for who you are, in all your evolving glory.
This may not apply everywhere but I live in a major city where you see weird shit often, and you have no idea how often I’ve seen men out and about in the city with actual professional photographers taking what I assume based on context are dating profile pictures. Like it’s a common thing for men to pay $300-400 to have a professional take them to a few different locations in the city, change clothes a few times, and get real quality shots of them looking their best in different environments.
I also regularly see on the app, men with photos of themselves at home indulging in their hobbies. Like if a guy says he likes reading, he’ll set up a tripod, get dressed up, sit in a chair posed with a nice backdrop of his (clean and styled) place, book open on his lap, and snap a picture of himself like that.
Guys regularly have photos that they clearly just asked a friend to take for their app profile, like if they’re out to dinner somewhere nice they’ll have a friend take a picture of just them sitting at the table. I always assume those were taken specifically for the profile because why else would you want a picture of just yourself eating dinner? You’d take it with the people you were there with if it was for social media or personal memories.
In other words- it is *totally* common to just be taking pictures specifically for the app, even if that means you were at home by yourself and got dressed up and did your hair and cleaned your place just to take a picture of yourself sitting in a chair. You don’t have to choose between selfies, or old photos of yourself at conventions. All selfies is *definitely* bad but even just spending a few bucks for a tripod- or propping your phone up on some furniture for free- to take a full-length picture from farther away is absolutely acceptable. Just make sure your pictures are varied, accurate to how you look now, and give at least some sense of your personality. It’s fine if you’re the only person in them, just don’t make them all “your face from arms length away”
Get photos of yourself doing and looking the way you want to be with your dream partner.
I didn’t have many good photos of myself when I went back on OLD besides covid and living in a small town meant I didn’t really do anything worth photos. I then realised I will never attract the people I want with half arsed selfies. I’m a person that puts effort into how I look, and my profile didn’t reflect it. I think I went on a few dates where I was way too overdressed for the people I was seeing and so on. I
I spent an afternoon taking good photos of myself, and they worked magic, since they both reflected who I really am, how I look on dates, and were able to get me the type of people I am interested in.
Take new pictures dude it’s not that deep.
Just keep taking new photos if you’re body is regularly changing
>reverse cat fishing
So looking better in real life than in the pictures that the date signed up for? how is that a problem?!
This seems like an odd “dilemma”, you’re not sure what to do because you look better than you did in the past? Get some updated photos. Pay a professional photographer. Why not?
As stated below, move away from the selfies thing mate. Selfies in general, look sort of cringe. Also, if you’re using the selfie camera, always remember you’re actually reversing your face 🙂 So it’s not actually how you look in reality aswel. I would recommend getting yourself a good photographer, who can understand lighting, aperature and present you as you are.
Also, on Hinge I think you can do video intros, and you can do gif photos now. Use these to your advantage. Online dating is all about presenting yourself as authentically as possible digitally.
Just get new photos, I’d do this and relax about the rest not overthinking it 🙂
At a loss on what to do, what? Take new pictures??
Wait till you have reached your desired goal weight and then start dating.
All my pictures are less than a month old.
Take a LOT of selfies or get a cheap tripod. Pick out the best ones. If you want to show your hobbies then stage yourself doing something with that hobby.