Every dating coach out there discusses the problem with men being emotionally unavailable, how to spot it early, the reasons behind it, how to avoid them, etc.
Do you think this really is a thing, at least on the scale they make it out to be, or is it actually much more simple than that and the guy simply isn’t interested in you and that’s that.
Guys have you been at a stage of your life when you really felt you are emotionally unavailable to a intimacy, and were giving mixed signals as a result or self-sabotaged a potentially good relationship? Or do you think this is all BS?
33 comments
This is a good question, honestly I think “emotionally unavailable” has become an easier way to accept someone’s just not that into you.
As a guy no, regardless of whatever’s going on in life if the right girl comes along you make time for her
I think it’s probably a bit of both. Men can be less or more emotionally available – depending on life situation. If they’re not sure about a girl, this life situation begins to play a bigger role. However if they really really like her, life situation probably won’t hold a guy back
Its functionally the same thing.
They aren’t interested
As an emotionally unavailable woman, if I can fit the category I don’t see why men cannot.
“Dating coach”
Stop reading after this. Get offline and start talking to average and common people and you’ll quickly see how much bullshit is flogged about online dating
I’d say most of the time it’s not interested
I dated a guy for 3 years with diagnosed ASPD. He was extremely emotionally unavailable. There was just a wall when we got too deep into the feelings, because he didn’t have them. Not just for me, for anyone. But he was still very interested in dating me. I realized later he was only dating me for what I could provide for him / the life we cultivated together.
I know this is an outlying case and probably doesn’t answer your question, but it’s an example of why an emotionally unavailable person can/would still get into a serious relationship.
Emotional unavailability is a thing with both men and women.
A non interested emotionally available man would kindly reject a woman. A non interested emotionally unavailable man might string her along bc he doesn’t care to be honest about how he sees her.
Women are also emotionally unavailable. Usually, we see this in their dating choices. Emotionally unavailable women find something wrong with everyone they date. They sabotage decent relationships. They date men they do not feel worthy of. They date men who are beneath their standards because they subconsciously know that it will not work long term.
In my opinion most people are not emotionally available lol it’s definitely a thing though.
I think the biggest issue women have with “emotionally unavailable” guys isn’t that they don’t share their feelings. I think women kind of expect men to be like that. The problem is that an emotionally unavailable guy might also make her feel she can’t express her feelings either. Like if she’s upset and crying about something, instead of hugging her and telling her it’ll be ok, an emotionally unavailable guy might be like “What are you crying for? It’s not that serious.”
Ehhhh. Not sure what your coach is calling emotionally available is necessarily correct. Or at least as I understand it. Someone can show plenty of interest in you and still be emotionally unavailable. Sometimes this is something that just takes time for people to take down their walls and then there are some who are just not in position to do this and may never be, sadly.
An emotionally unavailable person may show me plenty of affection and desire to spend time together but when it comes to sharing intimacy in a way that isn’t just a “happy feeling”. For example: embarrassment, disgust, personal failures. They tend to shut down, change subject, be unwilling to share what they are feeling or empathize with what you share. They may deflect with a compliment or something. Which is welcomed for sure. However, it can become unsettling when you want to have a deeper connection with your partner.
After breaking up with my ex, this really nice girls was into me. I ended things with her as I had not gotten over my ex. She was a really nice girl with whom I could’ve had a possibly nice relationship. I was into her, but I just couldn’t.
Absolutely its real. Now that doesn’t mean some men use that excuse when they aren’t interested, cuz suddenly they’re available to the right woman (for them) so that was clearly an excuse.
But once you meet a truly emotionally available man, the difference is stark. They are open about how they feel, they don’t deflect, they don’t avoid certain conversations, & they show care freely.
I recently met one after a year long situationship/fwb thing with a very emotionally unavailable man. He could show sum care & affection but it was very surface level, & rare, but he loved receiving all that from me. I made him feel good, but he didn’t ever really return it, & he avoided certain topics or conversations.
The man I’m seeing now actually scared me at first he was so open about everything. I asked him not to talk bout feelings for a few weeks while we got to know eachother cuz I haven’t dated a man who expressed or asked those things in a long time. It really made me nervous, like this could be something real, & that is scary sometimes. Instead of running away in a panic, I’m embracing it & opening myself to it, but I understand why some people close themselves off or run away. Its really hard to face your own demons, fears, & shortcomings.
Yes it is. They experience some kind of trauma or emotional wounding that hasn’t been healed. This happens to women too
When an avoidant person is into you, they panic about time and space (needing guy time, me time, wanting to be in the same house but not the same room). When you say, “I need more . Let’s just be friends.” They panic and pull you in.
When a person simply isn’t interested in you, leaving doesn’t bother them. If you don’t call, he’s not calling you either. When you’ve fulfilled your purpose, he’s done.
Yes, insecure attached are emotionally unavailable.
“Emotionally unavailable” is a trash term used by self-described “dating coaches” to describe a host of personality traits.
Usually, it means the person is either stoic (they don’t vomit emotions) or they’re not especially emotionally intelligent (poor at reading and appropriately reacting to the emotional state of others.) Occasionally, it seems to be used to describe situations where men just aren’t into women enough to bother investing in an emotional connection.
Yes, emotionally unavailable adults of both biological sexes exist.
Can be due to fears of being hurt, a very detached personality, past traumas they are yet to fully come to terms with, a parasitic or extremely opportunistic concealed by good looks/lots of charm personality type.
Emotionally unavailable = Not interested = you’re not my type but we can still be smashing in the meantime.
From what I’ve seen the people that are emotionally unavailable are unaware of it (for the most part) and those that go on dates and then respond afterward with something about being emotionally unavailable – well those people are often using it as an excuse and mistake their flakiness or inability to communicate honestly with being emotionally unavailable.
I think it can be both BUT for the most part I think it’s BS & I’ll explain why.
The reason I think it could be true that someone is emotionally unavailable is because they truly don’t know what they want out of a relationship or they’re healing in that moment etc … but if that’s the case dating shouldn’t even be something they’re involving themselves in.
I think most of the time it’s just people deciding they’re not actually interested and using that as a way to not have to commit anything more to someone because at the end of the day, someone will always be ready for the right person and make the effort to be with them if it’s someone they actually wanna be with.
I suspect that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, and that would also entail being emotionaly unavailable, no matter how interested I am.
I (28F) think BECAUSE they’re emotionally unavailable they’re going out with someone they’re not actually interested in. That’s how it was for me when I was emotionally unavailable.
When I got back to a good state, I would have never dated the guys I went out with at that time period. Not that they were terrible, just not my type.
Yea, I’ve always assumed it was a plain not interested. Even when I’ve been “emotionally unavailable” I can invest in a person I’m into.
Men are raised to to see they only have value so long as they are useful. Men are also discouraged, and even ridiculed, from showing emotion…. so I’m not sure why anyone is surprised about emotionally unavailable men… they’re conditioned not unavailable.
Sex in media also doesn’t really help. The trope is to impress the girl but nothing really about the maintenance or nonsexual intimacy. Yes there are some specific films, but by and large the statis quo is to pursue woman, out compete other male, show no emotions.
I don’t trust women and think it is human nature to seek out other people so getting attached is something I don’t want to do. Do I value memories and sex? Sure… but committing just sounds like setting myself up to get burnt. I want to always keep a distance.
A of all if you’re listening to dating coaches you’re already probably believing some wild shit. Emotionally unavailable is definitely a real thing.
At the current moment I’m not sure. I’m really in this situation where I really feel emotionally unavailable with this new woman I’ve met. No idea if I’m just jaded towards dating due to my experience or if I’m not actually that attracted to her :/
Of course it’s a thing. We’re not a monolith, and a man who isn’t into you may bear the same behavior as someone who’s avoidant of being tied down AT ALL, but they’re different fundamentally.
I’ve certainly known men who are emotionally unavailable or just don’t have the capacity for commitment. Of course they exist.
While I think “he was emotionally unavailable” could be an ego-protecting way of saying “he wasn’t that into me,” there are definitely men who have difficulty expressing and acting on their emotions and connecting with other people, even their lovers.
I think my current situation would be a good explanation for you if it doesn’t get lost.
So I’m currently emotionally quite lost. Since my ex cheated on me, my work life while thriving is still taking an emotional toll on me. And my time off doesn’t always feel like time off. I’m also currently in therapy for these issues. I would say I’m emotionally unavailable to any and all new people I meet. But once you break that surface layer of getting to know me. I’m actually and genuinely a really emotional person who’s quite good at conveying it. I don’t believe that there are such things as emotionally unavailable. But that the individuals normally have so much shit going on in there personal life that they believe they don’t have the ability to convey their emotions on a level that others would understand.
TLDR; Most the times it’s a surface level issue that can be addressed through not immediately seeking a relationship with someone but building a mutual connection
I have been that. Took me quite a while and multiple honest attempts to get out of that funk. Like many years
💯 real. Ive dealt with alot of them. Alot of men arent self aware
I think it’s a very real thing. but I am a girl. When men are emotionally unavailable it doesnt’ mean they’re not into you, it just likely means that they are going through something right now and need time to process/get over it before they can actually date again. Such as a break up. break ups can take months to years to getting over and so if a guy really likes you, he prolly wants to be able to date you and be able to truthfully tell you that he’s into only you and not his ex from 5 years ago. I do believe it can be played as an excuse but I don’t think it’s always an excuse. some men really just should hold off on dating because maybe they’re mentally or emotionally unstable or just need some time to think about themselves and stuff.