When I first started using the concept “they’re just not that into you” it helped me move on from those “maybe” situations I so often found myself in. But I felt disempowered by it. So I started flipping the script. Now I say to myself “I’m just not into that” and it’s helped me take my power back.
Taking over 24 hours to reply? I’m just not into that.
People who’s words don’t match their actions? Not into it.
Breadcrumbing? No thanks.
Emotionally unavailable? Never heard of her.
People I have to post scenarios about in advice subs? Yikes.
Not showing equal effort? Why bother.
Afraid of commitment? Been there, healed from that.
Bad communication? Who has the time.
Ghosting? Bye.
Getting sexual before we meet? Red flag.
This has made me feel like I have control of my dating life for the first time ever. I am ruthlessly deleting and unmatching people who show any indication that they’re going to mess with my peace. This has kept me out of situationships and breadcrumbing which is nice. But is it too harsh? Has anyone else decided that they’re no longer tolerating mediocrity? What do you do, and how is it going for you?
I’d rather be single forever then deal with the wishy washy crap that seems to be modern dating, but I want to stay away from becoming avoidant. Thoughts?
39 comments
So, you’ve learned to set boundaries and not waste time. This sounds like being a healthy, emotionally mature adult. To the formerly less healthily attached, this can feel avoidant. It is not.
I like this concept. I don’t think it’s avoidant. I think it embraces the concept of dating to figure if you like them verse worrying if they like you.
Here are two principles that haven’t led me wrong.
Actions speak louder than words
And
Always match the other person’s effort
Follow those two and you won’t have to mentally trick yourself to be ok with unfavorable outcomes
I’m in exactly the same situation and I’ve had the same doubts but I’ve decided although it’s lonely, situationships and settling are worse
This is the best comment I’ve read my entire time in this sub 🙌. This should be a sticky! In fact I’ve saved it for later. In answer to your question, yes you will date less as your standards will be higher less ppl will meet those standards which is good as you waste less time and emotional energy with the wronguns wallowing around the bottom of the dating pool! I think a major blocker to me kicking mediocrity to the curb is having a scarcity mindset when it comes to dating worrying they are the last “good on paper” person I will meet (as that’s usually the first filter). I’m actively trying to switch my mindset to abundance which helps with kicking the mediocres out the door without looking back. But yes to you! You have this nailed 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I feel like it’s one of those damn if you do, damn if you don’t things. I think a lot of people are jaded because they entertain certain people for too long during the dating process. If you’re lucky, you’re going to meet lots of people and go on many dates. The majority of those people will not be a match for you. Best to leave quickly.
I’m a lot like you. Will some people describe it as avoidant, maybe. But the truth is I’m not. When I meet someone and everything aligns, I have no issue entering a relationship. But I spot anything you mentioned and I’m gone. I’m not going to let anyone waste my time and get emotionally involved with anyone who is not for me only to let them gum up this process for me.
I love it, and I think it’s a healthy development towards a healthy adult search for people. It also moves away from a “victimized” position towards a “getting shit done” position.
Yess!! Fantastic job putting it so elegantly. I am just not into people who don’t put in effort or don’t show respect for my time, or people with narcissistic tendencies. Sue me! Haha!
I am someone who can put in 200% for the ones I care about, so my threshold for bullshit is pretty low. As a result, my quality of life has improved significantly. I don’t give people time if they do not deserve it. This takes a lot of self awareness and knowing your value; I have been working on self-development for a while and it’s paying off in not only my dating life but also with work and family relationships too.
How I see it is: I am who I am and I have something of value to offer and if its not for you or you can’t recognize the value in it then I will not make an effort to convince you to stick around. A fine bottle of wine requires a developed pallet to appreciate…if that person simply cannot appreciate me then I’m not suitable for them anyway and it’s best if they move on.
Now, it’s important to remain grounded and assess whether the other person is GENUINE. One must not be too eager to take the next exit because people do have lives and sides to them that we may not understand. Some people take some time to open up, others may be going through a challenging time in their lives, some people may want to be there for you but can’t at the moment, or some people may be dreaming of the things you have to offer but the timing may be off. What I learned in dating is to be patient with the people who are genuine, who show genuine interest in you but some things are not being communicated openly. In these cases I take a step back and assess my willingness to pursue this person. I’ve learned that my insecurities make me impatient sometimes and I recognize that and correct for it by communicating more openly, asking friends for recommendations and being a little more patient. You need to decide if the person you are seeing is deserving of this. Not everyone does.
I’m thankful for this because I’ve met my current partner and I’m glad I didn’t settle for anything less. By no means was it a smooth process; I waited, worried, and tried to keep an open mind. Most importantly, I communicated my needs and the other party was responsive to that. They made me feel valued and respected.
Never settle. Don’t let the fear of being alone take control of the wheel. Know your worth. <3
If everyone followed this, there’d be a lot less posts on this subreddit for sure.
I like it. I’ve been too desperate. Being sad when they give little effort. I’m not into unmatching people. But why not? Maybe I’m too emotional/anxious. If I get rid of people so quickly, who will be left? And I know that’s the wrong way to look at it. But think I will try to take some inspiration from your post. And I think it says to me that I should be less interested in someone until they give me reason to care.
I’m in a very similar place in my life. Someone once posted something on this sub that has become my mantra, which is that a person should enhance, not complicate my life. While I would like to find a partner in life, I’m content and comfortable being alone right now, and have shed the idea of a ticking clock in the last few years because I cannot control when I will meet the right person for me.
Maybe there is a bit of avoidance thrown in, but I agree with many of the other commenters here, that perhaps it only feels like avoidance because singles are constantly told to settle for less, and I think more of myself. I was lucky enough to get out of a marriage where we both settled and decided that it wasn’t worth it, and I don’t want to get myself in the same situation all over again. So like you, I’m trying to be very cognizant of what I’m not into. 🙂
This is 100% me. Handing out boundaries like they are Oprah’s favorite thing. And yes I’ve paused to wonder if I’m being unreasonable or too harsh. But then I’ll connect with someone who “shows up” so to speak and I am reminded that no, expecting bare minimum decency from people is not too harsh or unreasonable at all.
I sometimes worry if I’m in the same boat, but I haven’t fully embraced the same boundaries you listed (maybe half). I discovered about 3 years ago that I was codependent. This year I decided to go to therapy and start working on it. Everything you are saying/doing is practicing setting boundaries. I really liked what you said “any indication that they’re going to mess with my peace”
I’m still early in my codependency recovery, so I still give some men too many chances, ignore red flags, not set boundaries – but eventually I do and talk to my therapist about it. It’s healthy. It’s normal.
the best thing I’ve learned in recovery is that it’s you choice who you allow in your life. It gives you back your power. I think you’re doing this right.
It’s not too harsh – I think this is great. For me adopting the perspective that dating is to find a partner to share an already full and satisfying life (and vise versa) rather than to fix something in my own life, to check a box, or from fear of being alone has removed a lot of pressure and fear from the process. People will say “that’s unrealistic” or “you’re gonna end up alone” but frankly I don’t care because I know I’d be happy on my own anyway. I’m happy for you!
I agree, who wants 20+ bad dates, when you know what you want and can eliminate them early. Saves time for everyone involved. Quality over quantity
I am very much like you and I do get worried that my high standards is just avoidance. But I spent a long time building up my confidence and self esteem to have standards at all. My life is peaceful and it will take someone incredibly different to want to commit to them. My therapist reassured me recently about this and said that the reason it seems so easy for other people to find relationships is because they’re willing to overlook red flags, lower their standards, etc and I’m not which is a better way to be if you value your mental health.
im gonna start using this. You’re my guardian angel LOL
You’ve pretty much touched on what appear to be the most common topics on this subreddit.
Congrats! You are now proactively managing your dating life rather than working to the whims of others.
Wouldn’t call that avoidant, but a adult way of dating. The chance that you’ll end up alone always exists if you aim for something worthwhile. But why even bother for anything less?!
As I’m feeling more healed from my previous breakup, this is exactly how I’m approaching it.
It sucks to feel like I’m rejecting so many people too. Just yesterday I walked away from a seemingly nice guy but found he had a few things I’m not willing to settle for (not having finances in order and not taking care of his health) also feeling a little too pushy (emotionally) when I told him I wanted to move slow and get to know one another.
Thank you in a way for validating how I’m feeling because I started to feel like the pool is much smaller now that I have standards and boundaries I’m not willing to cross. I had to think a few days and look to subs to see if I was being ruthless as well but at 35, with a divorce under my belt and a 2 year relationship that was an emotional rollercoaster, I’m taking my time. This isn’t being avoidant if you’re at least taking the time to get to know someone but also finding they don’t have the qualities you’re looking for.
I think this is a great mindset to be in. Perhaps you’re ending up with less people but you’re cutting the bullshit and respecting yourself. I tend to mirror the effort until my inner voice has a question like “what are we doing” and then check in with myself if what I’ve been seeing is something I’d want to be around long term. I don’t think it’s worth it to settle.
Not harsh at all, quite the opposite. You have the kindness to spare them the rejection or dragged out mess that would inevitably come out of them disturbing your peace.
Sounds rude to say sometimes, but you (we) really don’t owe anyone any of your time, affection or love. People have to earn that stuff and provide continuous value to be considered worthy of it.
People compromising on their standards is at the core of most dysfunctional relationships in my experience.
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Love this! Wish I’d learned it sooner but 100% agree. If it feels right, it’s right. If it doesn’t, buh bye!
my guy/girl, no you’re not being harsh as long as you are enforcing your standards from a place of kindness and know that you are not intentionally being a dick to these people. I saw a quote somewhere that says “you don’t always rise to the level of your expectations but you will always fall to the level of your standards”. So what you are doing is changing up your standards to suit you better. One thing that surprised me when I started doing this is that I was caught off guard with the quality of women I ended up dating. It was a pleasant surprise and almost intimidating.
Its like the universe went “so you want those type of queens now? Alright bet!” soon as I said to myself I’m not dealing with wishy washy highschool bs anymore.
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Anyways best of luck!
Saving this because I needed to hear this. I want to be more like you! Thank you for reminding me that I need to be the one to decide if someone is good enough for me or not, instead of wondering if I’m good enough for xyz.
You are amazing! You are a bad ass! You are an inspiration!
Like other commenters have already said – this is the best dating advice I’ve heard on this sub (as well as in general).
For someone who is anxiously attached, I’ve spent WAY too much time (years and years) and energy (oh god, so draining), chasing around guys who would be good ignoring me for a week until they wanted sex. Even my ex of 3.5 yrs was fairly avoidant + dismissive and I look at who I am now and all the things I put up with and I’m like, “WTF?” 😂 because I was looking at it all wrong. I was looking at it like I needed to let him call the shots and if he became highly avoidant and shut down, then I just had to deal with the pain of being shut out and ignored, rather than me taking a step back and saying, “I’m not ok with this.”
This post has really opened my eyes to how much bullshit I slogged through, thinking I was protecting my wounds of abandonment + rejection + never feeling good enough, only to realize I’d abandoned + rejected myself more than my ex ever did.
Your post has seriously been so empowering to read. I’ve screen shotted this for future reference.
Yep. I do this as well. My social circles are small but well kept. All these things go for friends, too. I don’t tollerate bullshit in my life.
“People I have to post scenarios about in advice subs? Yikes.”
This is the reason that DTMFA is almost always a valid answer in the advice subs. No matter how often people complain about hearing it.
It’s not “they’re a bad person and you can’t fix it”, it’s “you’re unhappy here, therapy and communication can’t solve it without reciprocal effort, and the thing you have the most control over is your own life.”
I love it. I’ve adopted the exact same approach myself and it has helped me realise “dating with intent”. As well as help me feel empowered. One of my friends actually made me take this approach when she asked me “what do you look for in a guy” and I listed off stuff – she goes like “ok, so now add one more: how he treats you”. That flipped a switch.
I love this empowerment
One way to not be avoidant is to lean into your feelings. Be honest and up front. Communicate how you feel, what you observe.
Avoidant would be if you just run away at the first sign of a problem. Not avoidant is to bring stuff up early and often. The reaction to those first “confrontations” is the key. If the partner listens or engages, you’re good. Maybe you just misunderstood or there was a simple explanation. You’re giving the person a chance. What they do with that chance is all that matters.
This has been my approach after my separation / divorce in early 2020. I quickly realized I dont have the time or energy to play guessing games, no matter how great the chemistry is. I was dating pretty ruthlessly, going on one date and saying no thanks rather quickly (but based on valid red flags.) It was a bit easier that it was 2020 and casual sex wasn’t really on the table. I was only going to get together with someone who could be transparent about what they’ve been up to in their social bubble, how much they like me, how often per week they like to get hang out, and that they are a resounding “YES!” in their energy towards me. Found a great guy with no BS and we are a year into dating. Its the easiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I think its worth waiting for the relationship that just seems to “work” and feels easy from the get go.
Setting boundaries for dating worked for me! Found myself a great partner eventually and wasted less time on men who weren’t for me 🙂
This is me right now. I deleted all my dating apps though, I got sick of the bullshit. I’m not dating right now but it’s better than putting up with bullshit. I will just do me until the right one comes along. If it’s right, you don’t have to force it.
Preach! I’ve also taken this stance in the last few months. And you’re absolutely correct it is SO empowering!
A couple things I can say about my experience:
1. Regardless of how I feel about a man, he is still a person with feelings. While I am direct and keep my standards high, I am not going out of my way to be mean, malicious, or purposefully hurt anyone’s feelings. When I choose to end an interaction I am direct but polite. However, I do not hesitate to block if needed if a man does not take the news well.
2. I now have zero anxiety about dating. I don’t worry about if/when someone is going to text or call. The people who are interested in getting to know me make it well known. Any confusion on their part about how they feel or what they want, or inconsistencies in words vs behavior results in me respectfully ending our communication.
3. I have been on a break from OLD for about 2 months. It was demoralizing and it seems the protection of being behind a phone screen breeds unsavory behavior/a lack of respect for my feelings and my time. It’s been liberating.
4. I have never had so many men interested in me at one time! And I met all of them “in the wild”. I’m guessing its the air of confidence that comes with feeling empowered about how I choose to pursue (or not) romantic relationships. Regardless, whatever the reason, I am happily single and enjoying getting to know these men in what feels like a productive and respectful way.
I understand the fine line between respecting your own boundaries and becoming avoidant. I don’t know that there’s an easy answer to that but when your boundaries aren’t being respected is that someone you’d want to date anyway? I would encourage you to communicate (if you aren’t already) what your boundaries are if/when they are overstepped. I think if you cut and run at the first sign of something that feels like ghosting or inconsistency, then it may turn into avoidant behavior. I think there’s always room for conversation regarding boundaries but in my world that’s a one-time conversation; if the behavior continues then the interaction ends.
Best of luck to you!!
Edited to add the last paragraph
This is me! 💯!
Who’s got time to waste on flakes? Not me. It’s not avoidance. It’s setting appropriate boundaries and limits. I’ve gained so much peace the last 6 years being single (with a few relationships here and there) and there’s no way I’m going to let anyone disrupt that! I also thought maybe my standards might be too high but nope…better to remain peacefully single than be with a flake who’s not sure what he wants and only brings headaches. Hell no!!!
When I read Attached, one of the things that surprised me was the fact that securely attached people welcome connection and intimacy…but they will also readily move on from people who can’t do the same.
Secure attachment doesn’t require us to ignore red flags or struggle it out with someone’s unresolved emotional issues. It doesn’t have to mean giving a lot of chances to people who can’t be assed to get it together.
You can be ready to connect AND quick to move on from those who demonstrate they’re not. That’s not avoidant. That’s simply prioritizing healthy relationships and directing your time and efforts accordingly.
To be honest, I used to be this way but the dating pool has been ironically nicer to me when I’ve been more flexible and lenient.
I think while it’s good for us to set standards and boundaries, a person can’t enter a team environment while intending to play a solo game: it relies on the other person being willing to serve our interests rather than at times taking care of ourselves.
For example, the 24 hours rule—I talked to someone I was crazy about once on a dating app. We meshed well, and I was super excited… and then my uncle passed away from covid. I preferred to stay in bed crying over confiding in a stranger from the Internet.
They unmatched because of the 24 hour rule, likely believing I wasn’t that in to them, and now this opportunity is missed.
Life happens, but I feel like too many hard-lined rules just makes a culture of people who want to be the star of the game rather than mutually working together: it’s not always going to be perfect, misunderstandings are going to happen especially when they come from a format where it only accounts for 15% of human communication with no concept of habits, body language, tone of voice, or whatever have you…
It means you’re purposefully started in on people looking for something wrong rather than looking for someone who does something right—and just like any cop who hangs out on the street corner looking for bad drivers, obviously it’s going to be all he or she remembers seeing over time.
Dating hurts, and yes, there is pain involved…
But the only way to be successful in dating is if you’re bringing your best to the situation, optimism included. That means you have to be in the place in your own head where you can rationalize the risk of being hurt is worth the price of finding someone right for you… rather than tiptoeing around in fear of being hurt, trying to find someone who will hurt you the least yet still makes you excited.
Sometimes you just have to do it, and go all in, while accepting it can go really well, or it could be a disaster, and then you have to be comfortable in trusting yourself that if it does become a disaster, it will hurt, but you know yourself well enough that you know you will get through it.
That’s not to say I just let people walk all over me, but I do give it time to decide if they will enhance my life and I will learn positive lessons from my experiences with them, or if they pose a detriment that will take away from my quality of life.
Sometimes I used to wonder about that and if my standards were too high until I met my partner who’s everything I could ever ask for and more. He’s so supportive, kind, generous, and cares about our relationship and puts effort into making me happy. So many of my friends are jealous of how well he treats me. I’m so glad I kept the standards that I did because I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else or anything less.