This is just a vent.
It’s super disheartening. I am in no way a prude but I have no desire to have sex with people who I don’t have an emotional connection to. That obviously takes time so I wouldn’t sleep with a guy until a couple months in.
I feel like that is almost looked down upon these days and something I struggle with lately while dating.
I’m not going to change my boundaries on that obviously so something I’ll just deal while dating but damn lol.
Also I’m in no way looking down upon people who are quicker to sex – everyone is different and this is just how I personally am!
33 comments
Dont be dishearten. Stay true to yourself.
Why do people think it’s bad to want an emotional connection with someone to have sex? That’s how it should be. Good for you honestly.
Women also make you out to be a prude?
If it is men then what you must realize is this:
Men in generel are more than willing to sleep with women they are not particularly keen on.
And attractive men are used to girls being eager.
So if youre picky or rather ambitioud in your choice of men then your going to have a lot of dates where the guy is just looking for a hookup … and may be used to getting it too
Youre never going to get a relationship with a guy like that … But if you just need more than one date before wanting to have casual sex, then Im sure that is fine if you communicate it.
The general rule has been three or four dates since like the 1950s. Around date seven or eight, they’re gonna start getting skeptical.
Hey kudos to you for holding to your boundaries and not being pressured by peers or anyone else! Everybody is different and when it comes to sex, i feel it’s up to each individual to decide how they’d want to handle it. I think the whole emotional connection thing is a fine way to handle it because I believe in that as well. You’re also not a prude. You just value your emotions and yourself highly and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t mind hearing people vent either, it can be better than just dwelling on something because then you can get some validation on your feelings. Anyway, I know it’s rough, but I hope you find someone that you’ll love and that’ll respect your decision on the subject. Have a good one!
You are allowed your boundaries. You can’t control how others judge you.
I judge you…not as a prude, but as a foolish time waster. Months when you don’t even know you are sexually compatible? That’s….so risky. I would never want to devote that time on a maybe. Nor would I want to get that emotionally invested only to have to walk away, when the obvious could have been discovered before too many feelings were formed.
But…you are still allowed your boundaries. And sex that would be bad for you should never be had. It will only damage you.
Going slow is fine, but “a few months in” sounds kinda extreme?me and my gf both have autism and problems with touching so we took it very slowly, yet it still “only” took 1 and a half months.
Im not saying you need to do it sooner, im just saying you need to understand that your pace is in the extreme end and even alot of guys that are fine taking it slow will think that might be too much
So lets ask Chatgpt for a neutral position and definition:
*Prudish behavior towards first-time sex with a new partner refers to a cautious or reserved attitude in approaching sexual intimacy with someone for the first time. This behavior can manifest in various ways, and it is not exclusive to any specific location or culture. Here are some common characteristics of prudish behavior in this context:*
*Reluctance or hesitation: Prudish individuals may be hesitant or nervous about engaging in sexual activity with a new partner, even if they are mutually interested.*
*Setting boundaries: They may establish clear boundaries and communicate their limits to ensure that both partners are comfortable with the level of intimacy.*
***Slow progression: Prudish behavior may involve taking things slowly, such as delaying sexual intercourse until they feel a strong level of trust and emotional connection with the new partner.***
*Modesty: Prudish individuals might prefer to keep certain aspects of their bodies covered or may not be comfortable with explicit discussions about sexual preferences or desires.*
*Avoidance of explicit language or actions: They may avoid using explicit language or gestures and prefer more subtle or discreet expressions of affection and desire.*
***Focus on emotional connection: Prudish behavior often places a greater emphasis on building an emotional connection before becoming physically intimate.***
​
So what exactly is your issue with being called a prude? You are. Own it.
It’s perfectly normal to want to have a connection before jumping into sex with someone, and don’t let the naysayers tell you otherwise. Why are you letting meaningless people occupy any real estate in your mind? You have your healthy boundaries (good for you!), and the right guys will actually appreciate it.
Stick by your beliefs and if someone tries to make you out to be a prude, smile and ignore.
Have you tried looking for men in more conservative circles? Men who are religious perhaps? That might help with the judgment and the expectations.
I don’t think it makes you a prude. You’re alright.
And I understand why it can be confusing because the usual message is that dudes don’t want no h*es and wants a relationship but at the same time wants to pump and dump or smash and dash. Which is quite the hypocrisy, and I’m a dude.
You’d just have to find a guy that aligns with you, that’s all.
Personally, I’m way more about physical and quality time so having sex is a huge part of the early stages for me whereas quality time over a long period is what’s holding the relationship.
Yours looks to be the other way around, which I don’t think is a bad thing at all. It is what it is.
You do you. The guys after hook-ups will drop off. Go at a pace you’re comfortable with.
I don’t see you as a ‘foolish time waster’, which is harsh but being cautious. Nothing wrong with that. This hook up society sucks tbh.
You do you.
Damned if you do damned if you don’t. People are going to shame you either way so just do what you’re most comfortable with, what’s right for you.
Stick to your principles. They are so many others that feel the way you do.
I’m right there with you, OP. The men I have met have never had a problem with it
I need time to get to know someone before I can even like them like that.
If a guy has a problem with that, they’ve probably had their fair share of partners and that’s disgusting to me
I don’t want to be with a dude that has fucked hundreds of women. That is literally foul
I want to be with someone that values sex and intimacy and sees it as something that is meant to be shared with someone special. If they don’t view it that way, then we aren’t compatible and we probably wouldn’t have good sex together anyway
I want my sex to be passionate and loving. There is no reason to have it if it isn’t, it’s just not satisfying. And you can’t have sex like that with someone that you don’t already have a connection with
I view sex as sharing my body with someone. I would never let someone access my body until I knew they were going to treat it with respect
The women and men on here trying to make you feel bad just like casual sex and don’t want to feel ashamed for being so easy and casual with their bodies
Of course there will be people that won’t want to pursue you because they don’t want to wait. To me that sounds like someone that lacks patience, will power, determination, etc. Is that someone that you want to partner up with?
Who doesn’t like to build up anticipation for something? You get way more excited about it and it is way tf better when it finally does happen
I feel like this kind of path is a lot easier achieved from that friends -> dating pathway. Not sure if that’s helpful for you!
maybe you’re surrounded by the wrong people/ people who aren’t mature enough to realize that unless you’re sleeping with someone how they choose to go about isn’t anyone’s business. I’m sorry you’re being made to feel less than for doing what suits you. All you can do is stick firm to your beliefs and keep it pushing.
That’s more than fair.
On the flip side of it though, a lot of guys start to think the girl they are dating is dragging them along and isn’t attracted to them. I know from my experience, after about 4-6 weeks I would start to get a little discouraged if we weren’t getting physically intimate.
Its not looked down by everyone. If that’s your preference, that’s fine.
You are not a prude! It’s smart to wait and build trust with someone, and develop an emotional connection before sex. I am the same way. No decent guy has ever had a problem with waiting. You can build a lot of anticipation! Hang on to your boundaries. Ignore the haters on here. You’re doing it right.
You’re not a prude. People accuse demisexuals and others on the ace spectrum of being prudes, teases, and similar all the time though, unfortunately. There are people out there who appreciate who you are and how you think. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with pressure and letdowns. Keep being yourself — there is nothing wrong with you 💖. And to those who are asking why it could take months: It just does sometimes. It isn’t a choice, it’s a connection.
Signed,
A Demisexual
Some people call it Demisexuality and many people identify as that.
It is entirely normal to want to get to know someone and connect on an emotional and intellectual level before having sex.
Anyone who takes issue with that is not going to be compatible with you, so consider it a bullet dodged.
I would also just be blatantly transparent about your boundary when you’re dating someone, e.g. “I’m physically attracted to you, but I want to get to know you better before having sex with you.”
So as a guy, I’m a proponent of the three date rule, but there’s a caveat.
You don’t have to fuck the guy immediately, but there needs to be a path to victory. There’s gotta be a there there. There’s gotta be *hope*. You gotta at least signal that you’re thinking about it.
If you show the guy no sexual interest at all, don’t be surprised if he feels like you don’t like him like that and he goes to find someone who does.
Screw people. You see what our society is? I don’t ever want to be part of it and I’m glad you don’t want to be either. Stick to your guns and f u c k everyone else. People are conniving, self centered jerks. Always take care of yourself first, because when shit hits the fan y o u are all you have.
Also, if I had a dollar for every time somebody called me a prude. Ha. The ones saying this are usually the degenerates trying to pressure you into having sex with them. Believe me! You don’t want to have a relationship with these kinds of people anyway.
That’s the era we live in. Adjust and adapt, learn to be comfortable saying *NO* forcefully and sternly.
I’m glad to be out of the dating game, because with the amount of guys that say they give up by the third date if they don’t get sex is making me think online dating is full of sex addicts because of the culture of, “if this person won’t sleep with me right away, someone else will”. Knowing someone for all of 2-24 hours of in-person time is not enough to decide whether to be intimate with them or consider them seriously. People need to slow down.
You have your boundaries. People might not like them but you can set and enforce them however you see fit. Ignore the whining
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Just be yourself.
The people who don’t want an emotional connection before sex are simply not compatible with you. Maybe you can say “just so we’re on the same page, I prefer to build a connection before anything intimate” either in person or on the app.
I’m the same way. Guys want sex and will push you for it, but then judge you once they get it. Stick to your morals, girl.
There are so many comments here from women saying “you do you” or some variation of it. Which is fine, you should go at your own pace. But you should also consider communicating this with someone you are dating so they don’t get the wrong message. If a woman who I was dating was rejecting my advances, I would just presume she isn’t that into me and probably move on. But if she clearly communicated that she needed time to advance to the sex stage, I would take that information on board and act accordingly. I am not necessarily saying that I would be happy to wait, as for me sex is an important part of building an emotional connection, but it would allow me to make an informed decision about the situation and also take off some of the pressure of feeling the need to advance things sexually but not getting anywhere.
What I mean by pressure is that every second day there is a thread in here telling guys that they need to try and advance matters towards sex relatively quickly otherwise they are at risk of getting “friend-zoned”. Please understand that there is a certain degree of pressure placed on men to make things sexual. A lot of guys might be thinking “I need to man up here or she is going to think I’m lacking confidence / find me undesirable”. You’d be surprised, I have been on dates before and actually felt relieved when we didn’t have sex, only afterwards realising that I myself wasn’t ready yet (but going into the date, I felt a certain degree of expectation).