it’s not a dead bedroom by any means, but i’ve been feeling hurt for a while about the lack of enthusiasm on the part of my wife. i always initiate, she doesn’t touch me without me directing her, no oral, and pretty much silent both during her oral and piv. there’s been a bunch of things coming to a head recently, like finding out how many sexual partners she’s had (not for shaming, just for context on our own issues), and how i’ve misunderstood it. also how she needs more emotional connection.
she’s 100% right about the emotional connection (talking about our day, having dinner together, and more) being important and how there’s room for improvement. i think it could have the knock-on effect of helping our sex lives.
for context, the rest of our life together is solid. physically we’re both in decent shape, though she is better. i gained a ton of weight over covid that i’ve finally shed (225 -> 185, target weight 170), and i feel so much better about my body and myself. i recently returned to the office, and living in NYC, there’s a ton of walking built into that which has been great. we make a good income (knock on wood) and sock away a ton of it for retirement and don’t have any worries about finances.
the conversation i initiated helped in a bunch of ways. one is because i’ve been stuck on not having a ‘sow my oats’ kind of experience in my 20s, and hearing about her number of partners, i immediately went to a place of her partying and having fun, and my missing it. also the insecurity that if she had that history, why was our sex life so lacking?
she explained that it was a traumatic time for her where she was using sex as a way to find an emotional connection, and she was in a lot of pain. this was all during college, if it helps. she acknowledged my needs, and we agreed on how transparency and being truthful with one another (in a gentle way) is super important. i conveyed that i needed enthusiasm, and that’s not something you can fake, it has to really be there. i also made sure she knew i loved her and that i want to work on it, but also that this was really important for me. especially because i’m having something of a sexual reawakening, in finally being honest about my desires, and so on and so forth.
she also mentioned some shame and hangups around sex that were getting in the way. we’re going to look into counseling to see if that might help. we did it before marriage and it was life-changing. i think it’s one of the reasons we were able to have such a thoughtful and affirming way of talking about it.
anyway, just wanted to put all of this out there because it’s been on my mind a bunch, and i felt a huge relief that we were able to speak about it so directly but in a way that was building each other up.
also, i wanted to mention that i posted about this a little while ago, and there were a few comments like “she wants to fuck other people” and “it’s over,” and so on. i really dislike these (almost cruel?) responses because i was in such a sensitive place that, even though i knew it wasn’t likely, they made me second-guess my own intuition. it’s gross and the intention seems more to mess with OP than to provide thoughtful feedback.
12 comments
This is good stuff. Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like all good news and a point to grow from.
Thank you also for pointing out that many people can project their own insecurities. Not every issue with sex means that someone is cheating.
This is awesome! I am so tired of reddit being all “devorce first and ask questions later.”
So here are some ideas I recommend you both sound like your stuck in a routine that’s what happens when you have kids that’s normal but the thing about being married is keeping the spark and relationship alive. If possible get a baby sitter or send your kids to your parents house. Have a day where it’s just you and him. I recommend both of you write things down on what you would like to improve in the marriage. Complement each other caress her and say your thankful for her and you appreciate her this will go a long way. Also I recommend bubble bath what I did for my wife is set up rose petals candles romantic music and just had a bath with her and she loved it. Tease each other.
Go out on dates.
This is lovely. ❤️ My husband and I do joint therapy since our first was born. There was never a time that our marriage was in trouble and it isn’t marriage counseling, but it helps us be open with each other about stuff like this. Cheers for you & your wife!
Congratulations!
The problem is, most of the time a similar situation ends with a dead bedroom or divorce.
Sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for people sleeping around, they know exactly what they are doing. I don’t believe in any “was looking for emotional connection”.
I think you two are on the right track with counseling. Im thinking she might need to go it alone for a while. I have seen others who have similar experiences growing up. She’s too much into her head. The past is the past, and if you let it, it will fuck you up.
She will need understanding and love. She will come around. Just be patient. She is feeling this way because she finally feels safe. You made her feel this way, and that is good. Just a little time and understanding.
Try for now to compliment her on various things. Be helpful and don’t forget… flowers, and if she doesn’t like them, find something she likes. Call her on the way home and see how her day was. If it was shitty ask her if she would like you to draw her a bath and either get take out or make her super. There are ways to make he feel loved and have an even closer connection with you. Yes, it will be a little hard for a while. It’s one of those for better or worse kind of moments.
It will get better. ❤️
Lovely post and I am happy for you. Keep the conversation going, not just about sex, but about all the key issues in marriage. It fosters emotional intimacy, which then helps with the physical intimacy.
Incredibly thoughtful post and really eloquently put into words the things that my mouth just can’t say. I’m hoping to achieve this level of openness and responsibility (from myself, especially), because I really do love my wife and value our marriage and family. Good stuff, happy to hear about your positive momentum. Keep at it 🤝
To me it sounds like your blaming her because you didn’t get the the “collage Experience” you dreamed of. That’s not her fault stop blaming her you need to move on and grow up. You are past your college years, your in your mid 30’s at what point do you move on and let it go and start living for today and the future?
It’s nice to see/hear of a male partner being open/honest about things. My husband and I have been going through something similar – I do speak to a therapist which helps process a lot of things. One thing she mentioned to help get closer is especially in the bedroom is to read to each other a book she suggest was the 5 Languages of Love. It is supposed to help open up that communication between the two in bed. Now I will say we have not started reading to each other yet as I just ordered the book so we could have a hard copy (we’re old school like that) but just thought I would pass along the suggestion in case it would help as well.
That sounds good. Good luck my friend.
Have you done any research into attachment styles? What she described in your previous post in regards to being turned on by toxic relationships is similar to what an anxious person would experience with an avoidant.