Recently come out of a long-term relationship after I found out my wife has been having an affair. Generally been trying to work on myself to keep me occupied, but today is a low day.

Any suggestions on what to do to keep the brain and/or body active?

47 comments

  2. Change your passwords for all your accounts.
    Then get some fresh air and find some groups near you – photography clubs, running clubs, join a lifeboat crew! Make a social circle for yourself doing something you enjoy or have always fancied trying.

  3. Wank yourself into a stupor

    Edited to add – didn’t read your entire post. Sorry to hear your wife has cheated on you and you feel low. My reply may seem in bad taste, I’ll take the downvotes if so. Otherwise, I hope it makes you smile at least.

  4. go and spend time with some friends to keep yourself busy, this worked for me when my dad past away. All we did was go for some food after work and just talked.
    You can look at joining the gym or see if there any clubs, like a walking, diy etc where you can go and do something different.

    or you can spend your time to come with a revenge plan and post it in one of the revenge threads.

  5. Also just came out of a long term relationship. I’ve been focusing a lot on my work lately to keep my mind occupied. I’m also going to have a wander round the shops later on because I’ve not been out in weeks (cheers covid)

  6. Walk, run, join a gym. Read one book a week (or one a month if it’s not really your thing). Cook something new once a week, try a new recipe. Pick up an instrument and learn. Cross-words. Learn a new language. Start a DIY project. Start a new hobby (Jujitsu, Pottery, Gardening, Painting, Tennis etc).

    On top of all of these options, surround yourself with a support network. Talk to your people.

    Basically, keep yourself busy. Keep improving your mental, physical and emotional state.

    You got this

  8. Get yourself some Quack Snacks from Amazon and feed the ducks in your local park.

    One of the most satisfying things I’ve started doing since last winter when my mood was very low

  9. Game? I find the Meta quest VR headset quite a break from reality. I also read an interesting research article that said gaming after trauma can reduce the long term impact. IIRC, it was tetris, but I assume other games do the job. It’s also a way of mixing with some people if you pick some co-op games. Oh, and lift weights.

  11. first of all, be kind to yourself. this isn’t your fault and it doesn’t reflect badly on you. I went through a bad breakup a couple of years ago and it took me a long while to get better. reach out to friends if you haven’t already, play some games online with them or meet up and have a walk and a chat. join some local groups that are related to your interests. start working or planning a project you’ve had in your mind for a while but never got round to starting. do some volunteering! giving back can help your self worth. I really don’t envy you, it’s tough and it’s never easy but you’ve got this. I believe in you!

    try to make sure you are sleeping enough and eating well, as soon as a few things start slipping it can get even harder to pull yourself back up.

  14. Is there any thing in particular that they had explicitly told you ‘not’ to, that you still want to do?

    Can be anything from treating yourself to a new mountain bike, a 55″ flatscreen, the cute redhead across the road etc.

  15. Just enjoy the peace and quiet for a while,then get back out there,plenty more nut jobs in the sea.

  17. I’ve never been in your exact situation so I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through. But I remember two pieces of advice that helped get me through a painful time:

    1. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will be alright. Keep that in your mind, and know that this feeling isn’t forever.

    2. Keep going. You’ll think about them less and less, and then suddenly you’ll realise you’ve gone the whole day without thinking of them, and you’re just getting further and further away from the pain they caused you.

    Chin up mate, things will be better.

  18. Reconnect with your mates, It’s the best thing. See what they are up to. You tend to go off the radar being in a relationship. Use it to check in it could be either someone is going through the same thing and you go for a pint and a curry or someone is planning on going travelling or a holiday.

  20. Sorry to hear it brother. Are there any friends you kind of neglected while you were together? Maybe reconnect with them, join a gym, train for a marathon or a triathlon.

  21. Think of something you have always wanted to do/place you want to go and go and do it! You are free and you need to find things to look forward to!

  22. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really rough.

    Exercise

    Get yourself in nature.

    Rekindle any hobby or passion you used to have.

    Stay off the drink.

    Ignore any contact with her and her family, unless it’s essential.

  23. Exercise is the way forward..Or you could just blow 3/4 of your life savings on booze birds and narcotics and then just waste the rest 😁

  25. Hang out with friends. Try a new activity/club. Bouldering is full of nice people and is a good challenge. Watch things you enjoy, read a book. Go on a trip away. Just don’t sit at home, alone, feeling sad. It gets easier.

  26. Depending where you’re based, try Andy’s Man Club.

    Not something I’d have thought i’d enjoy but I started going to my local one and it’s great. Its basically a bunch of guys meeting up to have a bit of a vent and a laugh over a coffee.

  28. Turn to what you enjoy? Any hobbies you wanted to put more time into?
    After a break up of a long term relationship I didn’t see coming I just threw myself into my hobbies. Filled the time with stuff I enjoy.

  31. Not my words but I saw someone say the other day to date yourself for a bit and I don’t think you can put it any better than that, if you’ve lost hobbies get them back if you haven’t lost them do them more, exercise and just enjoy your life, hookups if that’s your thing (it’s not for everyone) and just enjoy being single because the next one might be until death.

  32. Talk about it – with friends, family, a therapist etc.

    Don’t bottle your feelings up. It won’t do you any good. And take time to work on yourself and find what truly makes you happy.

    Gym, hiking and photography were winners for me in the past.

  33. I found it really useful to look for stupid things I wouldn’t miss about them. Like my ex would take any drink that was a quarter or less full and pour it out to wash the glass up. It drove me nuts that I never got to finish a drink

  34. No one says it as it’s less cool when you’re of an age but fuck ’em I say.

    ​

    Gaming helped me. There I said it.

    It’s something the ex disliked too, so win-win. Preoccupied my mind for a bit.

    You can’t spend all day in the gym. I can’t help being introverted at heart. My will to join social clubs was non-existent. Ended up meeting some people online while gaming, and it helped me focus on something new without ever expecting it to do that.

    Chin up bud. These moments are temporary, so long as you keep trying 🙂

  35. Join a gym, learn a combat sport, increase your income, read self help books, all in all work on becoming the best version of yourself while she degrades with time.

    Find a better woman who will treat you better, have a happy life.

  37. This happened to me after 17 years. Everyone here is going on about the gym and groups for some reason.

    The first thing to do is ask yourself what is important to you. Losing a partner can leave a large hole and confusion as it might have knocked you off a pre-planned path. There will likely be a period of mourning for the old path and the future you had imagined.

    I spent months in this phase and it wasn’t until I established a new path and goals that I felt normal again. I also really recommend getting used to being single for a while and the freedom that brings.

  40. She-tox

    Delete her number and any way of contacting her. Store photos off your phone. You may want them in the future but you don’t need to be around that shit right now.

    Exercise – run, walk or jog daily. Lift heavy weights often.

    Invest in yourself. Take yourself out for dinner. Buy some new clothes, treat yourself to a new scent. Start that hobby you always wanted to try. Learn to be at peace with yourself and happy in your own company.

    Meet new people. Don’t date for anything more than casual fun until you’ve healed fully.

    Talk to people. Never sit with negative thoughts for too long without reaching out.

    You’ve got this. It gets better as time passes.

  41. ChatGPT has your back

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a challenging and emotional time. Coping with the aftermath of an affair and separation can be incredibly tough. Here are some suggestions to help you navigate this difficult period:
    1. **Seek Professional Help**: Consider speaking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships or marriage counseling. This can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and gain valuable insights into your emotions and the situation.
    2. **Talk to Friends and Family**: Lean on your support network. Talking to friends and family members can be incredibly comforting. They can provide emotional support and possibly offer advice based on their own experiences.
    3. **Self-Care**: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Ensure you’re eating healthily, getting regular exercise, and enough sleep. These are fundamental for maintaining your resilience during tough times.
    4. **Emotional Expression**: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. It’s normal to feel anger, sadness, confusion, and even relief in such situations. Don’t suppress these feelings; instead, find healthy ways to express them, like through journaling, art, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.
    5. **Set Boundaries**: If you are in contact with your wife, establish clear boundaries. This can help reduce tension and avoid further emotional distress.
    6. **Rediscover Your Interests**: Reconnect with hobbies or interests you may have neglected during your marriage. Engaging in activities you enjoy can be a fulfilling way to pass the time and find personal satisfaction.
    7. **Focus on Personal Growth**: Use this time to work on personal development. Consider setting new goals for yourself, whether they are career-related, educational, or related to your overall well-being.
    8. **Join Support Groups**: There are support groups and forums both online and in person where you can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. Sharing your feelings and hearing others’ stories can be therapeutic.
    9. **Mindfulness and Meditation**: Practices like mindfulness and meditation can help you manage stress and gain clarity. These techniques can also promote emotional healing and self-awareness.
    10. **Consider Legal Matters**: If you have shared assets or responsibilities with your spouse, consult an attorney to understand your rights and responsibilities during the separation and divorce process.
    11. **Plan for the Future**: While it’s essential to deal with the present, also think about your long-term goals and what you want your life to look like post-divorce. Creating a vision for your future can provide motivation and a sense of direction.
    Remember that healing takes time, and it’s essential to be patient with yourself. Seek professional guidance if you find it challenging to cope with the emotional aftermath of the affair and separation. Surround yourself with supportive people who can help you through this difficult period, and focus on your personal growth and well-being.

  42. I went through something similar to you, went to the doctors because I was feeling down and they told me to do things I enjoy.

    So I started going to the gym, going out with my mates at night, holidays to Spain and vegas with the lads, bought a fast car and bike and just generally worked hard into a good position at work.

    You deffo do move on from it mate 👍🏻

  43. I came out of a 4 year relationship after being left for another man. They lasted a year lol. I was living with my grandparents at the time as it was lockdown and I was 23. One month after she broke up with me I’d quit my job and got a new one and used my first pay check to get an apartment in the city. Although I couldn’t see it at the time, in hindsight I believe that breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. My advice would be to do all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t while you were in a relationship. Be the person you want to be.

  44. I’m also out of a long term relationship as of 3 months ago, 3.5 years together. We broke up on good terms, but I found it incredibly hard. It’s my first relationship and first breakup so I’m learning a lot.

    Try and spend lots of time with friends and family, but also spend time with yourself. Sit with your feelings. Get engaged in old and new hobbies. Exercise. You’re probably going to find you have lots of time and money now that you didn’t have before – try and do constructive things with them. Go to therapy if you need it to help work through your feelings.

    Don’t do what I did and turn to drink. I’ve accidentally become dependent on it now, so now I’ve got to work on cutting back down while also working through heartbreak. It’s okay to have a few, but don’t go down the slippery slope of drinking alone.

    Go no contact with your ex, apart from to sort any absolutely essential life admin things. Go no contact forever if you need to. Don’t do what I did this weekend and meet up with her for a catch up thinking you’re ready to be friends again. You’re almost certainly not. All that happened was that I found out I’m actually still in love with her, and that she’s fully over me and has been sleeping with and casually dating other people – which was not something I needed to know. It’s hypocritical of me to be upset by that cos I have been too, but feelings are weird like that. Now I’m back at square one.

    Some people almost immediately get back out there and start sleeping around, casually dating, etc. Others take years to get to that point. Most people take somewhere in between. All are valid options as long as you feel okay with yourself about whatever you’re doing. Take things at your own pace. It’s probably not best to get straight back into serious dating again, but it sometimes helps to get under someone to get over someone – whenever you’re ready to! Make sure you make clear to any potential partners if you’re only looking for a casual relationship, so as not to lead them on and create more hurt.

    Also, r/BreakUps has been helping me as a good support forum recently.

  47. Sorry about the affair, happened to me before and it sucked. My advice would be ensure you are not dwelling in any negative impulses/escapism which i would classify as hookers, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. Instead focus on the 4 main aspects of the self and try to improve these day by day when you can:

    * Spiritual: Can be done by meditation, religion, grounding yourself, showing appreciation/gratitude, journaling
    * Emotional: Having a good chat with loved ones, taking care of a pet if you have one, charity, just being generally sociable and chatting to people, making friends/connections
    * Mental: Engaging your brain by reading books, learning new things, do a course, new hobby or craft
    * Physical: Regular exercise, could even join a class or new sport and you could get emotional and physical ticked off at the same time.

    If you try to do each of the above best you can everyday and make a sincere effort, before you know it you’ll be a changed man. Just remember, the journey and growth never ends. Good luck!

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