For days I (37F) was having scary neurological symptoms along with some other physical issues. I told my boyfriend (34M) that it felt like someone was squeezing my spine and trying to pull it out as waves of panic and dread came over me. This happened over and over most of the day, every day, for days. I had gone to the ER but since I’m on some different medications they gave me a mild sedative and sent me home saying to contact my doctor. All of this was extra scary because I could not get in touch with my doctor this whole time, (the worst parts didn’t happen until a few days in so they’d been failing to respond for about a week). I was thinking very moment to moment, trying to figure out what was happening and I hadn’t been thinking about my boyfriend’s upcoming solo running trip until he said he’d understand if I couldn’t join him there later as planned. When I thought about it, I felt very sad that he didn’t offer to stay with me. I told him how I was feeling and the next time we saw each other he said, ‘I’m going. I think it’s important for me to go.’
I had already been hearing him say things that sounded like he was telling me to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, that I could choose to let it get me down or overcome it etc. I’m just not sure if this is something I can get past.
It turned out that I was having seizures from lithium toxicity. I could have died.
TLDR I was living with severe undiagnosed lithium toxicity for days and my boyfriend not only left on vacation, but when I expressed my disappointment that he didn’t even offer to stay he doubled down.
If I’m able to get past this, what else may happen down the line?
42 comments
Would he not have assumed that if it was life threatening the ER wouldn’t have sent you home and told you to contact your doc? Not sticking up for him or anything like that, you feel how you feel. Where I live if we go to accident and emergency and it’s something serious at all, they’d keep us in and do tests etc. They send us home if it wasn’t anything to worry about and get our GP to follow up if needed. Could he have assumed it wasn’t life threatening?
Are you in fact on Lithium as a med and how do you think you developed the toxicity?
How long have you been a couple and do you live together?
Did this trip require non-refundable tickets or reservations?
Who else was on this vacation with your BF?
Well since you were sent home by medics and told to follow up, it didn’t seem necessary for him to stay
If this is a boundary issue for you, that’s fine dump him. Your feelings do count. That said based on your story I don’t think he did anything particularly wrong and your expectations are off.
I really don’t get these comments. If my wife was in the ED with neuro issues, was impaired and struggling, and couldn’t get a hold of her Doctor, I would not be going on vacation. I would be at the front desk of her Doctor’s office being a total PITA until she got answers.
Your bf sucks and won’t be there for you when you are sick.
I don’t understand why this wasn’t picked up by ER, if they knew you were on Lithium the type of symptoms you were displaying should have been a red flag. A simple blood test could have saved you all that trauma. As for the boyfriend, I would feel neglected the same as OP.
I think it’s reasonable to feel abandoned if that’s how you feel.
You’d had symptoms for over a week, and he knew you’d been sent home from an ER right? Then I think it’s ok for him to decide not to give up a trip to sit with you for however many more days / weeks while you were waiting for your doctor to call back.
Can I ask why you’re concerned about your boyfriend’s reaction rather than your doctor’s? They were the ones you needed to be available and advocating for your welfare. Your boyfriend’s emotional support is much less important right? It was your doctor or his rooms that were neglectful and unavailable.
My boyfriend would have been demanding answers from doctors and losing his shit if I told him my spine felt like it was being ripped out and nobody was listening.
I really don’t understand these comments saying he was right to leave you.
It feels to me like you are thinking of your boyfriend like he’s your life partner and he’s treating this relationship like its more casual.
I would personally leave the relationship, because you have drastically different ideas about commitment and caretaking obligations to one another.
His dismissiveness indicates that he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong, because he doesn’t view his ties to you the way you do.
If you’re on lithium, and have been long enough to accumulate toxic levels, then you have a long history of psychological and neurological problems. Lithium is only prescribed when other treatments don’t succeed.
How much do you rely on your boyfriend when you are struggling? It sounds to me like he is suffering from caregiver burnout. How long has it been since he spent time away from you! Part of him probably suspected that it was convenient for you to develop symptoms that the emergency department couldn’t diagnose right before he was set to go on his big trip.
You aren’t disclosing your history of mental illness in this post in order to garner more support for your story. I wonder how much you do this in your life. It’s hard to believe that the ER couldn’t identify the lithium toxicity, unless you failed to disclose that you’re on a large dose of lithium. Did you maybe not share that because you were afraid they would dismiss your symptoms as psychological if they knew your history?
Discrimination is a real thing. But people deserve the whole truth. If they discriminate afterwards that’s on them, but if you withhold information it’s your own fault you don’t get the best answers.
Well at least you now know he’s the not the “in sickness and in health” type of guy…
This one is difficult for me as my ex would frequently try to manipulate me by “getting sick” or having mental health breakdowns right before I had a trip planned, or a girls night, or even a tattoo appointment I made 8 months prior due to the waitlist.
It made me resent him immensely, & now I’m very hesitant to cancel anything for anyone. Not to mention, no one has ever cancelled anything to stay by me, including him. So I struggle with putting my wants & needs on hold now for others.
How long have you guys been together? It sounds bad but, if you guys have only dated a few months, that changes the calculus some. And do you have other friends and family around or is it just you and him?
I’m so glad you got the problem diagnosed and managed. That sounds terrifying. ❤️
If I were you, I’d break up. He showed you he has no compassion or empathy and is selfish. He only cared about his trip and not your health. Telling you to just suck it up and overcome it is how doctors a lot of times dismiss women’s symptoms. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
I invite you to kick this dude to the curb.
He showed you who he is – believe him
Dump the BF. He doesn’t really care about you.
It sounds like you have a lot of medical issues going on in your life. Caregiver fatigue is a real thing. Even if he isn’t your caregiver it will still weigh on him and take a toll. I think he needs a break but he doesn’t realize it. If I were you I would talk to him and see if this is what’s going on. He might not even realize it’s happening to him. If this isn’t what’s going on then he’s just a jerk but either way you need to decide if this is something you can tolerate in your relationship. What ever you decide is ok so don’t feel bad either way.
Yah what tje point if a significant other when they can’t support you at times like this. Even if he still went on vacation he should have shown pre sympathy
This could be incredibly insensitive of OP’s boyfriend. 90% chance that it is.
10% chance that OP gets sick or has issues often when her BF has plans. I have had friends in the past whose partners always had an issue that had to be dealt with when they were going out of town without their partners. Like clockwork. Insecurity in the relationship and constant crises to control their partners movments. I know nothing about OPs actual day to day relationship but if he has even dealt with this type of behavior in a past relationship he may not be able to deal with actual medical issues.
Dating is a trial period when it comes down to it. And he failed, miserably.
My partner offered to drive 1.5 hours once to give me some ibuprofen because I had a migraine while house sitting and there were no painkillers in the house.
I’d be out of that relationship.
Just imagine having a baby and he says I don’t need to be there women have babies all the time..
You already see he puts his needs first what else do you need to know..
He’s not it. Clueless at best and beyond selfish at worst. Either way, he’s not it.
I think we need more context? Generally speaking good partners would prioritize a loved ones health over a running trip. So, why didn’t he?
Was this another in a never ending stream of medical issues which would imply that you could actually pull yourself through? Like, oh.. we go through similar issues all the time and it’s fine? Or, is he just a jerk?
Either way, I’d say you should move on- he’s not in a place to be dating you. But if he’s just a jerk I’d be a lot less sad about it.
This exact thing happened between me and my boyfriend. I had a massive, continuous headache but the ER sent me home. They called in a panic the next day so I knew it was something serious (turned out to be a blood clot in my brain) but my boyfriend left anyway — we had been dating three years. I could have died while he was gone. It was the beginning of the end for our relationship. I couldn’t trust him anymore. I’m sorry this happened to you.
My litmus test for a partner – would they carry/help me (obviously this only applies if they are physically able) to the bathroom if I was disabled/had cancer? If not, it’s not worth it.
Yeah, this is probably a solid sign you shouldn’t date him anymore. Without even talking about the ethics of it or whatever, you are now unhappy with something you view as world breaking. It’s a very understandable feeling, and won’t leave your mind. And if you become vindictive from staying then you’re no better than him.
The one thing I’d want to know is the frequency of these types of events? You mentioned other issues and being on lithium medication is not something prescribed randomly. I’ve dated people where their physical and mental health started to impact me heavily. It didn’t matter how much I gave and tried to do for months and months on end to help them. And before I get killed in downvotes I agree he is the asshole, but I want OP to consider a different perspective? Has his mental health been declining from these events, and he is also at his breaking point?
My brother had an ex that conveniently always had some medical emergency EVERYTIME he had some trip or outing planned, even if she was invited, because she was anxious and didn’t want to go. When he cut her off for it, she told everyone a similar story to this, how he didn’t care about her sickness, he was ablist, hated disabled people, etc. Not saying this is what you’re doing but this story reads very similar to a text she sent me.
How long have you been together? Did you ask him why he left when you needed him?
He clearly showed you where your place is in his life and it is below going on a vacation to go running. This would be unforgivable to me. He showed you who he is, believe him.
I was on lithium, and felt this EXACT way. Like my brain was breaking and the IMMENSE panic and dread. I thought I was having a stroke
Please tell me how one gets lithium poisoning
A lot of missing context. How long have you been dating? What was the plan? How hard would it be to reschedule? It could be a red flag. I’d be understanding his reluctance to cancel his plans as neuro problems are hard to see and considering many other factors about the trip. But it would be in the back of my mind if he was just the type of guy to “never miss a tee time”.
Yea you already know the answer. He does give a fuck
OP, I’m in a different camp. If you were in such pain for over a week you’ve got to take ownership and trust your gut – something was very wrong and you were in terrible pain! But sounds like you weren’t aggressively seeking the medical treatment you needed.
Perhaps your lack of action seeking medical help didn’t jive with the amount of pain you were in and he was left torn on interpreting the gap there.
If I were in his shoes I wouldn’t have gone on the run but I do think I might be able to see his POV.
OP, I’m in a different camp. If you were in such pain for over a week you’ve got to take ownership and trust your gut – something was very wrong and you were in terrible pain! But sounds like you weren’t aggressively seeking the medical treatment you needed.
Perhaps your lack of action seeking medical help didn’t jive with the amount of pain you were in and he was left torn on interpreting the gap there.
If I were in his shoes I wouldn’t have gone on the run but I do think I might be able to see his POV.
>I told him how I was feeling and the next time we saw each other he said, ‘I’m going. I think it’s important for me to go.’ I had already been hearing him say things that sounded like he was telling me to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, that **I could choose to let it get me down or overcome it etc**.
To me this sounds like your boyfriend didn’t believe you and thought you were just being dramatic. He didn’t take you or the health issues you were experiencing seriously. And he prioritized his vacation instead of his sick girlfriend. This would be a total deal breaker for me. I expect my partner to believe me when I tell him I think there is something seriously wrong with me, I would want his (mental) support and would want him by my side.
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>**It turned out that I was having seizures from lithium toxicity. I could have died.** TLDR I was living with severe undiagnosed lithium toxicity for days and my boyfriend not only left on vacation, but when I expressed my disappointment that he didn’t even offer to stay **he doubled down**. If I’m able to get past this, what else may happen down the line?
Your boyfriend told you, his girlfriend who was literally experiencing seizures for several days, to overcome them… And instead of giving you a very, very, very big apology he doubled down. That would be also a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t trust him with my life.
You were experiencing very dangerous physical medical health issues and this triggered stress/anxiety on top of that. His reaction to your stress/anxiety also worries me. What if your health issues turned out to be psychosomatic or mental health issues? These are just as real as physical health issues. His reaction makes me wonder if he is someone that believes you can “just choose to get over it”. Again, a deal breaker for me.
Now you know he’s not gonna be your husband. These types of men or women will drop you in a heart beat, if things are not going their way.
So you are bipolar. How many times have you put him through weird emotional baggage. What is the chance it was he had had it up to here time?
Quite frankly, ER never should have let you go home. And BF never should have left. I’d formally complain about the one, and seriously evaluate the other.
Hell, I cancelled a vacation because my dog was sick… This guy just made it clear that he’s not in your relationship for the long haul. And if that’s not the message he was trying to give you, it’s the message you should take from it anyway because he’s not “in it for the long haul” material.
I am disabled with a lot of health issues. My ex-husband often tried to use comments like “It’s all in your head” or “You can choose to deal with this better” or my personal favorite “I work with sick people all day and don’t want to come home to one.” Turns out it was appendicitis for 10 years and a very large invasive kidney tumor and that opioids don’t work on me.
After he left me for a nurse, when I dated I would see how they would react to my bad days as a test. If they no-showed because they didn’t want to deal with it, we were done. If they tried telling me anything about how I should just suck it up and deal or the pain was all in my head or I should pull myself up by my bootstraps, we were done. My husband passed the test with flying colors and even still married me after sitting in a doctor’s office with me and hearing him tell me that I was disabled and it was incurable.
That man, he’s not the one. You may love him, but he doesn’t love you enough. My ex-husband didn’t love me enough, and it was hellish. Please don’t make the same mistake I did.
This is a man who will leave you if you got cancer.
When my daughter was 3 months old I had an abscess and severe infection. I had had it previously and I felt it coming on and I knew what I was in for. I told him I had to go to the emergency department (they drain it and give you painkillers because it can be excruciating, mine were).
He whined that he hadn’t been out with his friends since our daughter was born (neither had I) and that he really wanted to go.
I begged him to stay. He said he would be gone for a couple of hours. He was gone for six hours. My daughter was fussy the entire time and the only way to soothe her was to walk with her. By the time he rolled in at 3am my pain was worse than 10/10. I handed our daughter to him and drove myself to the hospital.
I could have and should have called my mom or brother and they would have taken me, but I didn’t because they would have hated him for being selfish. I protected him but all it really was, was another red flag I ignored.
If they bail when you are sick and vulnerable, you’re with the wrong guy.