Title kind of says it all, but I’ll explain it a bit more. We’ve been together for about a year, said “I love you” pretty quickly and have been inseparable since (though we don’t live together). I love him very much, and I know that he loves me (we talk about marriage and kids, and his family has been amazing and accepting of me). But there have been multiple instances now of him pushing my sexual boundaries. There was one instance that I felt really violated by and explained it to him at the time; without getting into too much detail, he basically did something too forcefully and I told him it wasn’t comfortable, said he wouldn’t do it again, and then did it again anyway. He felt horrible and kind of shut down, and kept saying things like “I don’t know why you’re with me, I treat you like a piece of meat. My ex felt the same way.” And at the time, I was confused because I just wanted him to know how I felt and what my boundaries were, but he took it very extremely. Other times have been less serious, but I feel like he tends to have a higher sex drive than me, and often turns innocent moments into sexual ones and uses it as a kind of bargaining (i.e. cuddling always has to turn sexual, wants to have sex as soon as I walk in the door, physically places my hand on him or whips it out during non-intimate moments, “we can do X after you do Y sexual favor”).
But this time specifically, I am having a hard time mentally recovering from it. I have been having a hard time lately with my mental health, and I finally opened up to him, cried for a while while he comforted me, and we were lying in bed. He started touching me and said he wanted to “reward me” for opening up. I moved his hand away and he asked if I didn’t want it. I said that I didn’t and closed my body off, and I told him “Maybe later.” He accepted that for a minute, but then he whipped it out and put my hand on him, but I moved away again and he started touching me again and tried to open my legs. I closed them and curled up and covered my face, but he ended up taking my pants off and it turned into intercourse. He said something along the lines of “You’re so wet, you must be enjoying it,” which honestly had me in disbelief. I was in shock and just kind of dissociated during it while having panic attack symptoms (I have severe anxiety). Afterward, he told me he loved me and acted normal. I just don’t understand this and how I’m supposed to be normal about it. I feel like he took advantage of me while I was in a vulnerable state. I didn’t talk about it at the time because I didn’t want it to turn into an argument or make him feel bad, but this was different than the other times. What do you think about this, and what would you do? Any advice helps. I am planning on bringing it up later today when I have processed it a little better, but I don’t know how to proceed.
45 comments
This is called rape.
He’s a rapist, and he’s trying to mindfck you too. Your instincts are telling you this.
He’s a rapist. He’s systemically sexually abusing you.
Yeah dude straight up raped you. Should be no discussion, you need to leave him.
He raped you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but you have been sexually assaulted what sounds like multiple times. This man is a danger to women and you need to leave him ASAP and if you feel able, report him to the authorities so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.
I have been through the same. It took me 9 years to use the word rape.
If you let someone borrow your car on occasion, but then one day they snuck in your house, stole your keys and left with your car, it would still be theft.
It wouldn’t matter if you intended to let them borrow it next week. It wouldn’t matter if they waited for you to say yes every other time. The time they took something without your consent would still be a crime.
In addition to the rape literally everything else you’ve talked about is horrifying. He is an abuser, he sounds like a narcissist, and this is only going to escalate further. You need to tell someone so it’s documented. You need to call a rape crisis hotline, so there will be a record of what happened to you and because you could certainly use the advice and support. You need to get as far from him as possible, and if you feel strong enough, you should report him. I don’t know if you’re the first but I promise you won’t be the last.
This was a sexual.assault . A rape and he has obvioysly done this before. Dump him .
He raped you. He’s been continually escalating his sexual assaults so that you didn’t realize it when it finally got to rape. None of this is ok or normal. And he even told you he did this to his ex. Break up with him and if he tries to gaslight you tell him if he doesn’t leave you alone you will file a police report.
Sweetie, this is rape. I find this especially horrifying as I struggle with mental health as well. To think that he would even consider that a good time to even try something says a lot about him. Any time he is not respecting your free will to say no – even in a relationship – he is sexually assaulting you! Please get out
yeah that’s a deal breaker and you’re having trouble because you know it and don’t want to accept it you must break it and you must tell him why
Didn’t read.
Your boyfriend raped you, and your wanna know if it is a deal breaker? Seriously?!?!
Reread the title here “My boyfriend raped me and is acting normal. Is this a dealbreaker?”
Now, what do you think reading that?
You need to break up with him. He’s assaulting you and it’s only escalating at this point. And he assault his last girlfriend too.
He is dangerous. Please find a safe way to end this
Manipulative rapist, is what he is. That’s facts. You should leave immediately.
Love involves respect and understanding, not manipulation and rape.
This is very, very much the wrong person for you. I know breaking up is hard, but I think you’ll be amazed at the relief you feel when you can live your life without being constantly harassed, raped, and guilt tripped.
That man raped you, assaults you regularly and you need to leave his manipulative ass in the dust.
Break ans block.
He raped you. I don’t recommend that you talk to him about this. I recommend that you get your important documents and most irreplaceable possessions and get yourself to a safe place without telling him where you are going, and then call the police and/or a rape crisis hotline. Please take care of yourself and ensure your own safety first.
Should absolutely be a dealbreaker. He will never respect your boundaries nor you saying no.
Please break up as soon as possible. He raped you multiple times. Telling you “oh I’m awful I don’t deserve you :'(” is just a manipulation tactic. You know what? He is awful. He doesn’t deserve you. The fact that he did the same to his ex is so upsetting.
Take care of yourself
He is raping you. Over and over. And he’s getting more determined each time you say no. Can you not see this?
1. Even he doesn’t know why you’re still with him because he knows he’s raping you.
2. His ex felt the same.
You need to leave. It won’t get better.
Your boyfriend is a serial rapist and HE KNOWS IT. What’s worse is HE LIKES IT THAT WAY. He tell you that he treats you like a piece of meat. He’s telling the truth. Do you want to be nothing more that a piece of meat he sticks his dick in?
I want you to have a healthy loving relationship with someone who understands the word NO. Please break up with him.
There’s a word for that. And it’s not just a dealbreaker, it’s a crime. Get out now.
You have to block him right now and don’t even try to talk this through. I am sorry you have been raped and he is also manipulating you. If you try to talk about it, he will manipulate you again. You have to leave immediately to save yourself from future abuse. Don’t let him defend himself and pull you in for more.
Please please get away from this.
Rape is still rape even when it’s your boyfriend. About the rest, that’s sexual abuse. Like a textbook case of it. Do yourself a huge favour and get out of that relationship.
Besides the obvious everyone is calling already, “Why does he do that?” is a book available for free online.
Many people find very enlightening when it comes to dealing with manipulative partners and I would encourage you to check it out.
Every action you describe physically disgusts me to the point of nausea. HE RAPED YOU!!! HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. RAPISTS SHOULD FEEL BAD!
LEAVE HIM! This is already awful and it will never get better it will only get worse. LEAVE HIM NOW!
That is rape, and not only is it a dealbreaker, he should go to jail. I am so sorry the world has treated you in a way where you’re even questioning that this might be ok, it’s not.
Honey, he raped you! Get out!!! Talk to someone trusted. File charges if you feel strong enough. Don’t let him continue his abusing you!
Yes, it’s a dealbreaker. He took advantage of you when you clearly said no. If he really cared about what you wanted and where you were emotionally, he would not have done it. And he’s doing that DARVO thing where when you try to talk about something that upsets you, he makes himself out to be the worse victim so you and him aren’t even dealing with the fact that he violated your boundaries to begin with.
He is an evil, evil person. I’m sorry OP.
My ex raped me when I was leaving. So make a plan and leave in a safe way. He will try sweet talk and escalate to sexual violence. Good luck.
He raped you, and it sounds like he raped his last girlfriend too. At minimum you need to break up with this creep. He belongs on a predator watch list because he’s going to do it to the next girlfriend too.
Is rape a dealbreaker? Well-for most people, yes.
*Of course* this is a deal breaker! Where I come from, we call that *RAPE*.
I’ve had two relationships like this. Not with either anymore. Recently started seeing a therapist, and they asked if i have ever felt unsafe in my relationships. I told them kind of, and they asked more questions.
They asked if i was ever coerced into sex. I told them yes, and i described the things that you wrote in your post. The look on this therapist’s face while i was saying it kind of made it hit; i was actually describing rape. I had repeatedly been assaulted, and it was by the person that i was supposed to be able to trust the most. And then i’d done mental gymnastics to reason it away as being sex instead of rape.
You’re not the only person to have experienced similar things, which is why when we comment here and tell you that it IS rape, it isn’t only your anxiety (which is also serious), and that he really IS abusing you, it’s because we’ve been there before doing the same mental gymnastics that you are.
Put yourself in a friend’s shoes, or your mom’s or sister’s shoes, if they were saying that their boyfriend/husband had raped them but they weren’t saying anything because they didn’t want him to feel bad, what would you tell them? Because for you it’s not just once, it’s repeatedly. People need therapy after being raped, and for you it’s been ongoing. It’s okay to have very serious emotional responses to it, because it IS very serious.
Girl… come on.
If you have to ask, you need therapy.
It’s RAPE. So yes, it’s a deal breaker.
Alright so, to answer your question:
YES, that IS a dealbreaker. The instance that you just described is rape. That is absolutely a dealbreaker and whatever the next step up from being a dealbreaker is. That is horrendous and I’m sorry that happened to you.
Edit: he also sounds like a narcissist. Referencing the part about him “feeling bad” and saying that he doesn’t know why you’re with him, that is the type of “apology” a narcissist gives. He didn’t ~really~ take accountability, that wasn’t an honest, genuine apology, and moreover, he continues to treat you the same way. He only said that to gain your favor and make you think he felt bad, so you could reassure him. He is manipulating you.
…he raped you, you should report him and run away from him
He raped you! Leave him please, he does not care about you at all!
That’s straight up rape. He also raped his ex and told you without sugarcoating it. Leave him. Now. The situation is very likely to escalate to more violent rape, but, if if stayed like this, it’s bad enough.
Leave him, seek professional help. A trauma is starting in you, and the sooner you approach it, the better. It might take years to develop and then it’s really difficult to heal (I say this from experience).
I’d just ghost and block him.
This is literally rape. Someone who loves you would not do this to you, he does not love you. Please get away from him, don’t tell him you’re leaving, just leave.
This is so sad. It breaks my heart. You may not be ready to call it rape- but you know that it’s wrong. And it’s not the first time. He has slowly escalated to this point. If you stay with him, he will only get worse. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him doing more and more to you without your consent? Or knowing that it hurts you and you don’t like it, but he doesn’t listen. Just like he didn’t listen all the times you’ve told us about. I’m sure there are others you haven’t mentioned.
Just because you normally have sex with him, doesn’t mean you have to every time. And it doesn’t mean that what he did was ok, or excusable at all. One day you’re going to be sleeping and wake up to him holding you down and sticking it in you and not caring that you hurt, or are bleeding, or that you say no. He raped you. He violated your boundaries, he hurt you, and he doesn’t care. All he cares about is getting himself off.
If it hasn’t already, this will slowly bleed into other areas of your life. He will disregard what you say and what you want with other things, because he knows better or he knows what you really want. It will only get worse. This is not a good man, and this is not normal behavior. I have been married 19 years, and any time I have said no, or that hurts, or stop- he has stopped. Every. Single. Time. If I started to cry or show pain, he stopped without me even saying anything. There are millions of men who would never have kept going. And if you confront him he will turn it around on you just like he did before. “Oh, I’m so horrible why are you with me?” and make himself the victim instead of admitting that he’s a freaking rapist and his actions are wrong. If he had shown any remorse, or even acknowledged what he did made you uncomfortable- but he didn’t. He doesn’t care about what you want or feel. I’m not trying to be harsh, I just really really need you to understand and think about this. Please. Don’t confront him, just tell him it’s over, be sad for a little while, and move on with your life.
This isn’t the life you want or the relationship you want or deserve. It will only get worse. And none of this is ok. This will never ever happen with a loving, caring partner. You don’t have to do this anymore. You can call it whatever you’d like- but all it boils down to is you didn’t like it and didn’t want it, and he didn’t listen. And it’s not the first time. And it won’t be the last. Please please please leave.
This is the literal, exact, textbook definition of rape. You need to leave this relationship immediately. He does not love you. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t respect you. It’s impossible to love, care about, and respect someone who you raped.
This is literally rape.