Hello,
I have recently discovered that my mother (43) is toxic and has disrupted my life, especially my relationship with my aunt.
My aunt (30) and I (24) were like sisters when I was young, growing up together. We were very close, shared everything, had the same interests, and laughed a lot. At that time, I also lived with my grandmother, so we saw each other frequently.
Everything changed when my mother regained custody of me, and I had to move in with her. She also remarried (although it didn’t last long) and had my little half-brother.
From that moment on, things took a downturn for me. My mother constantly found fault with me, saying I wasn’t mature enough and insisting I had to watch over my little brother and follow him everywhere. Otherwise, I would get into big trouble with her and receive a lot of criticism.
We visited my grandmother less frequently, and it wasn’t until I turned 14 that we started visiting more often. My aunt hadn’t changed, at least not in character, and she was still the same with me. However, I always felt my mother’s stern gaze on me, which made me hold back.
Then, one day, when we were alone, my mother told me that I should spend less time with my aunt because she thought she was weird and had a bad feeling about her. It was true that my aunt had changed a bit; she became more irritable and argued with everyone in the family except me and my nephew.
My mother also told me to keep my little brother away from her and not let him interact with her. To avoid trouble, I followed my mother’s advice and tried to balance both situations. I noticed my aunt became more distant, which saddened me, but I was convinced my mother was right.
Over time, it got worse. Every time we visited my grandmother, I looked forward to spending time with my aunt, doing various activities together. However, this was no longer the case; we hardly saw her, and when we did, she was distant, even towards my little brother, whom she had always warmly welcomed.
Soon after, she moved out, and we never saw her again. To this day, no one knows where she lives or how she’s doing because she never contacted us. The last time we had “contact” was when I was 17, and she sent my brother and me a Christmas present. However, my mother insisted that we couldn’t accept it and told us to give it away.
For years, we had no contact, and over time, I noticed various patterns that seemed wrong in my mother’s relationship with me and my family. For example, my grandmother and mother constantly badmouthed my aunt, even though it didn’t make sense because it was never her fault. They said things like, “She probably has a ton of money and keeps it all to herself, that ungrateful brat,” even though they couldn’t possibly know that and simply said it.
Then I read a lot about toxic people and narcissists on the internet, and I’m not sure if my mother is one, but she’s definitely toxic.
I’m now 24 and deeply regret how I treated my aunt. She was like a big sister to me, and I loved her dearly. During my young years, I followed my mother like a puppy, wanting to please her and doing everything she asked of me. How could I have been so foolish? Now, everything makes sense, like how my mother and my aunt used to argue with each other, and how my aunt defended us when things weren’t right.
I have tried to find my aunt, searching everywhere I can: on the internet, asking her old friends, going to addresses where I know she used to be sometimes, but nothing. I don’t even know if she still lives on this continent.
I have since moved away from home and only contact my mother because I want to see and speak to my brother. Otherwise, I try to do the same as my aunt and keep my distance.
What do you think?
TDLR; My toxic mom destroyed my relationship with my aunt and now after years of no contact, I‘m desperately trying to find her.