I (37m. Accountant. Divorced) have been dating my GF (35f. Accountant. Divorced) for about 18 months. She is a really good GF to me and things are going well. Recently the talk of us moving together has come up. I inherited my families home and I live rent and mortgage free. My GF rent just went up and she doesn’t want to pay it because she say it isn’t worth it (we live in LA).. My hesitation with this is, I am a pretty tidy guy and she isn’t too much. Also she has 2 children from a previous marriage and of course they aren’t too tidy as well. When they visit over the weekend they usually leave my place quite messy and it stresses me out. I can only imagine it being worse if we all lived together. We’ve had this discussion a few times and it doesn’t seem to improve.. Even though I care for her a lot I don’t want to live with her. I fear this could be a breaking up point. Thoughts on my situation?

34 comments

  1. To be honest, I think moving in together after 18 months and with the fact she has 2 kids is way too soon. You need to be upfront and honest with her and tell her you enjoy it the way it is just now and you’re not ready to start living with anyone. The fact you’ve said you care for her a lot and not love her a lot kinda says it all. Don’t feel bad about it, it’s how you feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

  2. Tell her you’ll consider it if she and her kids can demonstrate that they can pick up after themselves?

    I think letting her move in is going to be a train wreck. I wouldn’t do it.

  3. Is marriage and/or living together as a family the goal here? If yes, then after 18 months I think you should have a strong opinion on whether there is a future with this person.

    You’re both older as well, so better for you to settle this now and not waste time if there isn’t a future. Have the talk now about your conditions for them moving in

  4. Need info

    Do you have children of your own?

    Do you have space for everyone and everything?

    Have you discussed parental roles?

    Do you want to be in a parental role? Are you ready and willing to parent / play an active role as an adult care giver to children?

    Those are the important questions more so than can i live with messy people.

  6. If you aren’t ready to live together after 18 months, when will you be?

    Don’t be surprised if she sees this as the end of the relationship.

  7. The best way to approach this is to tell her straight out you’re not ready for her to move in because of your concerns re: being tidy, and you don’t want the tidy issue to end your relationship.

    Living with someone who’s level of tidiness differs from yours is stressful on both ends, and needs both parties to negotiate on their wants/needs re: cleanliness. Which means you need to be aware you won’t ever get to the level of tidy you’ll want if they move in, and she & the kids will have to continually have to work on changing their habits & how they live.

    You’ll be stressed (and eventually resentful) that your place is messy, and that you are not being heard. Your gf will be stressed (and eventually resentful) that she is trying, and nothing is ever good enough. Because at the end of the day.. you both are who you are.

    An alternative would be to hire a cleaning person to come in once a week. Since you don’t have a mortgage, and (I assume) you would be charging the gf rent, use that money to outsource to meditate the issue.

  8. If your goal isn’t to be together forever (meaning to live under one roof) then stop wasting her time…. And let someone who doesn’t mind a little mess for love have her…. Your just wasting her time…..

  9. I agree with this feedback. It is too soon. But I also encourage you to ask yourself if you see your position ever changing to wanting to live with them. At 18 months, you may be thinking temporary but she’s probably imagining forever. You owe this conversation to both of you

  10. What you really need to ask yourself is, can you EVER see yourself living with her? If you care for her, the ultimate goal is to live together for the rest of your lives. So if you can’t ever see that happening, I wouldn’t waste anyone’s time anymore. If you can, but it’s too soon or you want to see that she can keep things clean, tell her that, but keep in mind those kinds of changes are not often long lasting.

  11. Ur fully justified. Ur home is ur sanctuary, u have the choice to invite mess into ur home to please her. I’d say the two of u are more prone to ending the relationship in that situation than simply telling her moving in isn’t a good idea right now

  12. You say you’re child free. She comes with children attached. Even tidy children are a complete mess most of their childhood. If she isn’t tidy herself even after discussion, it’s hopeless.

    Unless you’re willing to shift your standards significantly, it’s time to let go and let her find someone more open to the commitment (and place to live) she wants.

  13. Have general conversations about goals.

    If cohabitation is a main goal of hers you are simply incompatible and that’s OK.

    If cohabitation is where you see a successful relationship going but not with her, you are leading her on and it’s not ok.

    If you never intend to cohabitate with anyone, she needs to know that. She needs to have already known that.

  19. If you’re not ready, then don’t do it. It’s very simple. You don’t have to “fear” anything. If she breaks it off, then that says all you need.

  20. No thank you. It sounds like you would hate living with them and the main motivation is simply financial. Many older couples enjoy living apart together.

  21. Don’t let her move in. You’ve only been together 18 months and she comes with a lot of baggage. Personally, I’d never let her move in.

  22. Standing your ground is important. Does she offer any response to your concerns? She moves in with you, pays no rent, and just through everyday living wear and tear on your home. I would expect her to pay the going rent to share your home. You can use income to hire a professional to maintain your home cleanliness and repairs. That being said, she should not live free off your inheritance.

    Before you make any decision, talk to a lawyer to protect you from your home possession by a tenant.

    Truly Truly PROTECT YOUR HOME ownership and rights.

  23. It does sound like a breaking up point unless you can compromise on house cleaning- would a weekly maid service be enough? Does she have ADHD?

    Could you sell your current place and buy something like a duplex where she has her own separate unit that she can be as messy as she wants in? Is marriage in your future?

  24. She’s an accountant so has done the sums, and can see this would give her a solid leg up in life. Nothing wrong with that, it’s capitalism meets survival instinct.

    However, while she advances in life you are going to pay a heavy price – the loss of your sanctuary. Not just the cleanliness, but the act of you coming home to the unknown each day – how messy? What did they break now? Etc.

    So this overall is a bad idea, because not both people will advance. It’s a deal for her benefit and that’s it. You suffer. No couple should make such a choice. It’s suboptimal.

    So don’t do it. Second, give thought to how much you want this relationship man. I sense there might be a part of you which doesn’t want to be lugging around someone else’s messy kids. Give that serious thought because her financial situation and those kids are a package deal and you don’t have to take it.

  25. Then cut her short. No point of dragging into it when you know, you know. Long term thing isn’t for you with her.
    And I don’t blame you.

  26. Since neither of you will be paying rent if she moves in, maybe consider getting a cleaning lady to assist? It can be like once a week or something. And that way your gf just needs to worry about maintenance during the week.

  27. Don’t do it if you’re not ready to advance the relationship to living together and dealing with her kids then all you’re going to do is make yourself miserable and you’re probably going to break up in the long run. Until she can adapt a little bit so she’s a bit cleaner and neither and teach your kids how to be clean and neat I wouldn’t even attempt living together cuz you’re ideals and ways of doing things are totally opposite. You might have a great relationship that doesn’t mean you can live together though.

  28. Mess may seem like a trivial issue if there is love and commitment but…
    I am not a tidy or fussy person and my partner who lives with me (in the house I own) is ADHD and is so chaotic. We are in our 50’s so I don’t think he can change and it drives me to weeping despair frequently. He is a lovely thoughtful kind wonderful man but is super distractable and absent minded. And we don’t have kids. It is a real issue. It really needs to be considered. It is hard to reverse that decision.

  30. > I fear this could be a breaking up point.

    There you go.

    She will want to escalate the relationship into moving together with you.

    But you’re not willing.

    There’s the dealbreaker. You guys should definitely break it off now.

    You need to date someone as neat as you and child-free.

  32. This is absolutely a breaking point. You can’t build a future with someone that doesn’t even want to live together and doesn’t really like her kids.

  33. Be there myself, my ex was she was a messy one, and I like an uncluttered house. I would say cohabitation incompatibilities would think of breakup unless she okay continuing the relationship living apart

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like