We had been dating for 4 years and got together just before covid. This was perfect timing as we were both studying at the time and meant our early relationship was the honeymoon phase. Fast forward to a couple ago, I have to move 3 hours away for my final year in undergrad. Prior to this I was the clingy one but our relationship was good.
Now, I feel like I’ve evolved into a different person who needs (and wants) to put their career first (I’m in STEM hoping to do phd/doctorate/research). He’s become increasingly more clingy and somewhat aware that I’m starting to drift away as the last 5 months we’ve had the same argument that I need to give more in our relationship.
I’m almost finished my undergrad but I’m swamped in thesis writing and I have no plans to move back home or move in with him, and also tired of the same fight. So I broke up with him last week.
It went horribly. He was wrecked while I felt numb trying to explain myself. He was distraught telling me he wanted to marry me and will move down to where I live instantly if it meant we stayed together.
I feel sure in my decision to break it off, as it’s not fair for someone to be in a relationship that is more in love with their passions but his reaction has made me feel horrible.
He wants to get back together but I don’t think I do. I’m not sure how I let him down or try to get him to feel better.
Side note: I am young and have been in this relationship since my teens. I’m not interested in other men or relationships but want to explore myself and give myself to my career.
TLDR: I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because I love my passions more than him, and I don’t see a future with him anymore. His reaction was horrible and I’m not sure how to go on. I can’t stop thinking about it
4 comments
He’s not your responsibility, you did what you had to do and now you get to move on. Hopefully he has friends or family members who he can go to for support.
Look, pretty much every well-adjusted adult you know had their heart broken.
It sucks, especially the first time. But he’ll get over it.
And lets be honest, the percentage of people who are together at 30 with the person they were dating at 19 is miniscule. It’s not zero, but it might as well be.
I want to give you a lot of credit: a lot of people are so scared of being the “bad guy” that they end up doing a ton more damage on their way out the door. (I think A LOT of early-20s cheating happens because someone wants out of a relationship and is afraid to pull the trigger, for example; also common is someone who becomes a really shitty partner to force their partner to dump them while insisting nothing is wrong, which is WAY worse than a clean break-up.)
In the short term, you can’t help him get over you. It sounds like you had a long conversation with him, and if you want to give him another 45 minutes or so in a week, once he’s had a chance to process, you can do that. But beyond that, you being accessible to him, you helping him come to terms with it, is giving him hope, and it’s just dragging out the process.
(I often use a drug-addiction analogy here, which isn’t even really an analogy: he’s going to be suffering from oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin withdrawal, since his body believes that you’re the only dealer in town. But beyond a certain point, you spending more time with him is just giving him a little taste and getting him re-hooked. He has to get clean. This doesn’t mean you need to be mean, but it does mean you need to enforce boundaries.)
It’s always much harder when you’re the one being dumped, especially if you thought you had met the person you were going to grow old with. He’ll get over it in time, he just needs time to come to terms with it, then once he finds someone new he’ll forget about you after a while. Not forget completely obviously, but I’ve had many multi year relationships in my life prior to my current one, and I don’t think about any of them very often.
Now that you know you have all the power in the relationship and that he will fit around your requirements I guess you have the opportunity to consider if this new dynamic would work for you, knowing you don’t have to compromise much for him, but if it’s really not going to work then the best thing you can do for him is distance yourself completely. Give him as much closure as you can so he knows exactly what happened between the two of you, but then remove yourself from his life so he knows that there’s no hope of getting back with you. He’ll be in a lot of pain for a while, but in the long run it’s better that way if it’s definitely over.
Im kinda in the same situation and I would say just be there for him. You don’t want him to resent you for not being there at his lowest but maintain a distance while doing so. Additionally, if u guys have common friends ask them to help. That way you’ll be indirectly involved but still get updates on how he’s doing.