I (23m) have a partner (21f) who, when we first started seeing each other, enjoyed both oral and penetrarive sex. After discovering more about herself and doing some deep reflection about her own past traumas, though, has come to the conclusion that she now no longer enjoys either of those things. I want to know how to better pleasure her and I’ve asked her, but even she is not really sure. She’s not uninterested in sexual gratification and we have found a couple ways for her to enjoy things such as having me play with her clit with my fingers or a vibrator, but we’re not sure how to spice things up much beyond that. She enjoys watching me have sex with other women and enjoys giving oral and we have had a few threesomes that way, but i still feel odd not being able to actively GIVE her pleasure in traditional ways and i want to know what else I can maybe do to maximize her pleasure.
2 comments
1. Sexual energy doesn’t need to be penetrative. She might feel the same connection and closeness and love with cuddling, hugs, back rubs, massage etc. Normalize that how you feel during sex, might be felt by her during different activities
2. I would strongly consider continuing down the sex toy route. Especially if she has some past trauma, having toys that are less phallic, more colourful, etc may be easier to use initially. My partners favourite toy is the corded hitachi. I’d definitely recommend buying one (lots of fun male attachments too).
3. You could explore less “traditional” sex. BDSM, anal sex, etc. There are lots of sexual activities that are less penetrative in nature, but can still be a lot of fun.
4. And again similar to 1. Normalize that every is different. It’s okay if she is less sexual. If you have a happy healthy relationship, and she isn’t very sexual who care. Who cares about doing things “traditionally” or having them be “normal”
You maybe want to look at polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM). She would be your nesting partner. Looking at books like Opening up, Polysecure, The Ethical Slut.
Focus on her pleasure on her terms when she wants it. Focus on your please on your terms with other partner(s) separately.