Wife doesn’t respect me

15 comments

1. Pick your battles. The in-laws and the telling others don’t seem like battle to fight about. The goal isn’t to keep score in fights, it’s to compromise based on each other’s feelings.

2. I have so many thoughts.

   I’m not going to say you’re crazy, but I also think you may want to separate out some things.

   It sounds like what you are most bothered by is a pattern of behavior where your wife does not consider your wants or needs. You want to be respected and and considered when she does things or makes decisions that affect you. That all all totally understandable and something you deserve.

   I will say that pregnancy is a whole other animal. While the baby is also yours, the pregnancy is not. Your wife is the one who is pregnant and is the one whose body is currently totally transforming. Sometimes I think about how sharing an ultrasound picture is literally showing the insides of your wife to other people. Your wife’s body is barely her own right now, and it often doesn’t feel like it. I’d aim to cut her as much slack as you can with regard to pregnancy related things.

   All that said, if what you’re concerned about is a pattern disregard that started well before she got pregnant, you need to figure out how you are going to move forward ASAP. Because having a newborn isn’t going to make this easier for you. You may want to seriously consider doing some couples counselling to prepare each other for the stresses a newborn is inevitably going to place on your relationship, while you still have the energy to work on this stuff with your wife.

3. I would say talk to her about all that and how u feel, a man’s primary need in a relationship is to be respected and loved, from what’s apparent in the post she’s the one who’s in the wrong, but don’t tell her that express how u feel without attacking her and for this to work she has to listen, validate your feelings and take action to change her behavior for your sake, if this doesn’t work try couples therapy and individual therapy for her

4. “she makes request, i oblige” this right here. you have no backbone. you do as she says, without expecting reciprocation. secret to getting a person to like it you is to get them to do stuff for you not you doing stuff for them. its a psychology fact

5. About pregnancy, you are doing nothing, she is making a whole human so leave it and announce it when she’s ready. You will not give birth, you will not be breastfeeding. At least you can do this much.

   When it comes to guests that’s a totally different story and you have to stand up for yourself. It’s your home too.

6. It is very common to wait before announcing pregnancy. I’m not sure if your wife has ever suffered a miscarriage but she may fear telling everyone, getting excited about it, and then losing the baby.

   As for other aspects, tell her how you feel. “I feel overwhelmed when there is no warning or time to clean the apartment before your family comes over. Can we agree to let each other know ahead of time when family is coming?”. You could also give a general statement such as “I have been feeling somewhat disrespected or like my feelings are ignored, can we talk about this?”. Then give her specific examples. It is always good to use “I feel” statements instead of saying “You disrespect me, you never consider my feelings” etc. Because they are blaming statements. The idea is to keep the situation calm because when we are in a heightened emotion, things turn ugly and we are not able to think reasonably. This is because when emotions are high, our brain is not able to switch to the prefrontal correct where sound decisions and reasoning occurs, it is stuck in the emotional side of the brain. This causes regretful statements and further disconnects.

7. You’ve been together that long, and this hasn’t come up before?

8. We’ve all heard “Happy wife, happy life,” but you know what term doesn’t exist? “Happy husband” because the next part is <insert your wife’s comment> (he must be cheating/I’ll see about that/I’ll fix that real quick…).

9. Don’t fall for the “Happy wife happy life” bull. You are not responsible for your wife’s happiness. That being said I think expecting a baby can be very stressful.

10. I hate happy wife happy life. It should be happy house happy spouse.
    Has she had a miscarriage before?
    Typically women don’t want to tell until after the first trimester is over.
    As a woman who had two first trimester losses and one second trimester loss ( yet 4 happy, healthy and beautiful babies) I can understand where she’s coming from. Even though I have my beautiful kids it does not diminish the beautiful babies I lost.
    However… if she’s telling her family you should be able to tell yours.
    It’s a very scary time for a woman. It might not be selfishness but fear. When we lost a baby it totally felt like my fault.
    I lost a daughter at 5 months pregnant 25 years ago and not a day goes by I don’t shed a tear over losing her. She had a heart defect that was not picked up on.
    Now ultrasounds and blood tests are so much more accurate I think you are safe to tell. Respect her feelings but if she is sharing you absolutely should be able to share as well. I wish you both a happy and healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

11. If your wife doesn’t want to tell anybody yet about the pregnancy is because is better to wait until the baby is Al least 3 months! I had a miscarriage after I told everyone I had to tell everyone I’m not. It’s better to wait! When I had my daughter I waited 5 months.

12. Happy Spouse Happy House sounds better to me honestly. I wouldn’t want my husband to be miserable just so I’m happy. That’s not a relationship. You didn’t notice this before being married? Like she just changed up once you got married?

13. Happy spouse, happy house. Meaning BOTH should be happy. I have a friend who is just like you. He gets more miserable by the minute. Its sad. JUST SAY NO! One thing I said to him, he is teaching his sons to be the same way. Have a backbone, stop doing things you don’t want to do! Wives don’t want a slave. You can’t change her but YOU can change and change today.

14. Yeah. It’s not true. They test and test and test. Initially you and she will think the obliging tactics are working. But eventually she will have no respect. Tell her you’ve listened to her. You had an agreement. You are following through on that agreement. You have to do what is best for you or you’ll spend your whole life trying to please someone who will refuse to be pleased. Don’t be a jerk. be kind and caring but firm and carry through.

15. Sounds like you have a rebellious wife. You, as a man, have to stand up and squash that rebelliousness before it festers in your marriage. Wives are to have virtue and, hopefully, she has a modicum of that buried within her cloak of pride. By the time I’m writing this, has her family come over? If so, has she told them about the pregnancy?

    One resolution might entail having your folks AND hers together at the same time to make the announcement. In this way, you have a compromise. Telling one side first before the other might ignite tensions between the families. For instance, if she informs her family before yours, will your family get pissed? Hopefully that doesn’t happen with yours.

    Congratulations, BTW.