This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I (34) have been dating my gf (31) for almost 3 years now.
Our sex life at the beginning was great. She mentioned a lot of fantasies like bondage and BDSM. Also, she told me many times how great I was and how important sex for her is. These are things she said:
* I am pretty sure, I am having the best sex ever with you
* Usually I don’t like giving head, but with you it’s different. Kinda love it.
* Can’t stop thinking of your d (in txt messages)
* Sex is very very important to me.
* My ex bf had a low sex drive. This was horrible.
These statements boosted my self-confidence. I felt desired. Our sex life was promising thus I saw a great foundation to proceed with our relationship.
It took a year until her sex drive and desire for me slowly and steadily declined. It was only me who kept giving and putting effort during foreplay or intercourse.
While foreplay she said: “wow, you’re so great. I feel so lucky.” And I thought: *”Damn, I don’t feel lucky at all. It’s only me putting effort.”*
And I was wondering: didn’t you tell me sex was super important to you? Didn’t you tell me you love going down me?
We started to talk about this, and she said, it might be only a phase, it might be birth control.
She stopped taking birth control but her sex drive kept declining. Eventually, I stopped putting effort as well. I am not going down on her anymore and it doesn’t seem to be a problem for her.
Now, three years later, I’d consider our sex life boring as hell. She prefers mutual masturbation over intercourse because her toy does a better job than me. She even says, the toy kinda spoiled her. It would make things so easy for her.
While masturbating, she loves to see me jerking off, yet there’s no need for sex, and no desire to please me and give me dedicated attention.
She knows that it frustrates me but she’s not doing anything about it. It confuses me. I feel ignored.
We talked about this several times. After a while she feels pressured which I can understand. She would say, it’s not related to me. She’s still attracted to me but just feels so comfortable and there’s not much to explore anymore.
This bothers me. I know every inch of her body and still I want to explore her like it was day one.
I asked her if she’s into other guys but she denied. There’s just no sexual desire.
I have to say, in our daily life she’s the most affectionate person I have ever been with. She loves to give kisses and cuddles.
It seems like we have different sex drives and it becomes a problem for me. It’s okay for me to have little sex but I wish it was passionate one where we both put effort to make each other feel great.
Not being desired, not being wanted feels terrible to me. I take it personal, it affects my self confidence.
Although she would deny it, I keep wondering if I am the problem. Maybe it is me who is too demanding. Maybe she’s turned off by something but doesn’t tell me. This puts me in a negative headspace.
I am always thinking about things she said at the beginning. That sex was super important to her. That her ex had a low sex drive which bothered her. That she’d love to go down on me.
All of this disappeared. And I struggle to make sense of it. Anyone here that can relate? Went through something similar? Can explain?
5 comments
>She mentioned a lot of fantasies like bondage and BDSM
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>She’s still attracted to me but just feels so comfortable and there’s not much to explore anymore.
One question is how much have you explored this angle? It sounds like a lot of what you’ve been doing is vanilla sex stuff?
If she’s too comfortable it may be that she gets off on their being a thrill, a risk, maybe pain, involved in sex and early on there was a mystery about what you might do … and now that mystery is dissolved and she knows the limits of what you’ll do.
Have you talked about BDSM with her and about exploring that sort of thing?
Tell her flat out that you’re not interested in a dead bedroom relationship. You could suggest an open relationship or splitting up, depending on how you feel about the subject of poly or swinging.
There are limits to staying in a relationship. Those limits have nothing to do with loving someone. They have everything to do with recognizing when someone is not good for you. Just because you love her does not mean that it is healthy for you to remain in a relationship with her.
If she wants to go to a doctor, psychologist, or couples counselor to talk about her low libido, that could be a viable solution. I don’t see it happening, but it is possible. If she truly is not interested in putting forth any effort, then you know how she really feels about you. It is never healthy to be in a one-sided relationship.
I would bottom line it that you want to see a sex therapist. See if they can help. If not, you’re not compatible and you’re just going to get more and more bitter.
Forget things she said in the beginning, as they may have been true at that time (or so she thought), but circumstances and people change and you need to deal with your current reality. How often are y’all mutually masturbating? Just trying to figure out how little libido she has or if she has libido and just isn’t interested in pleasuring you or intercourse with you.
While every longer term relationship has some version of a drought as life can get in the way . There’s something deeper going on with her that she’s just not wanting to be intimate with you or even try new things . I’ve been with the same guy for almost 9 years and we never run out of
Shit to think of . It just sounds like she’s way too comfortable in the relationship and maybe it’s time to start dating again wine and dine each other and butter her up in the bedroom