Bit of a crap situation….
About 6 years ago we met and started dating, we fell in love and eventually got engaged and married. During that period she was moderate with her religious beliefs- she believed in god but only occasionally visited church etc., and was absolutely 100% against having kids- she was adamant, while I’ve always been fairly ambivalent.
I’m an atheist, but happy to let others believe what makes them happy- so long as they don’t shove it in my face. The fact she didn’t want kids for me meant that our major incompatibility was possible to overcome- which was why I decided to proceed with the marriage. We agreed that we would not be having kids before marriage.
We’ve been married for 2 years now, and during the marriage my wife has become increasingly religious. She now attends her service twice a week, volunteers to do work for them, all the TV shows/podcasts/music she is interested in is Christian-based and she wants to baptised/”born-again”. This has been worrying for me to witness. She has been going through a tough time having lost her job, and I suspect that turning to a christian therapist that her parents recommended has been a catalyst for a lot of this. She has also started having “visions” in her dreams, something that her dad claims too- I just bite my tongue when I hear this, but it really gets me sad now.
In the past month she has also decided that she now wants a child, and having discussed it further it’s clear she wants the child to be devoutly brought up with her religious beliefs- ie. going church at least every week, going to bible study etc. there isn’t even room for me to tell the child my beliefs in her views. Ideally to me a child should have sight of various belief systems and choose when they are an appropriate age- but I was willing to compromise and let the child be raised as christian but without strict rules of attending church weekly and that I should be allowed to discuss my beliefs in a gentle way- after all it’s unrealistic for us both to get exactly what we want in this situation. Unfortunately she is not willing to give an inch, so to me having a child is not realistic for us.
Somehow my wifes conclusion out of this is that I need “really experience” her belief system as she’s confident that I’ll convert if I give it a chance. For context I was raised in a heavily catholic environment and while it’s not her particular denomination I am fully clear that I do not and will not believe in it. I have had to be very explicitly clear with her at times over the past 12 months, but she doesn’t seem to grasp that I hold my beliefs as strongly as she holds hers.
She doesn’t see the level of disrespect towards me in her actions and unfortunately I am left with no option but to leave her- is becoming a religious nut-case with no other hobbies or interests and is just a totally different person than I fell in love with. I almost feel like I’m married to a nun and we have a sex-life to match that vision too sadly.
So really it’s obvious that there’s only one course of action I can take, but how do I make it easier? I feel a bit robbed and deceived yet all the onus is put on me and it’s my fault for not “believing”. This is 6 years of my life gone.
tldr; semi-religious gf who didn’t want kids is becoming a devout born-again christian who wants kids of the same belief after marriage
33 comments
What about counseling outside of her church? Marriage counseling, I mean. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave but there may be more going on.
>Somehow my wifes conclusion out of this is that I need “really experience” her belief system
“im not gonna brainwash myself to take part in your middle life crisis”
run away.
Yeah you have to leave, what she is on is worse than being hooked on crack.
Before I read this I was pretty sure I’d be against you. I was going to tell you to just convert to her religion because if you believe it’s all fake stories then what’s the difference? For example, in many Muslim countries you are not allowed to leave the religion once you’re a Muslim, and you’re not allowed to marry someone who is a different religion to you, so in that case I think any atheist should just convert to Islam if they want to marry a Muslim because it doesn’t make much difference anyway. What your Wife wants is extreme though. Expecting you to go to Church and raise your kids in a devout way that you don’t believe in is unreasonable. I suspect you won’t be able to reason with her so you’re just going to have to leave. Religion is a horrible drug when consumed in large doses, and your wife is fried, she’s not coming back.
She definitely changed a lot since you guys first married. This happens. Yes, it’s 6 years of your life gone, but you are still very young. Don’t feel bad or guilty about leaving. Just make it happen.
She changed the rules of engagement here. None of this is on you.
The good thing here is that y’all aren’t having sex. So you can make a clean break from this nut-job without having to worry about her potentially getting pregnant and making your life harder down the line.
It sucks to have to leave, but it will be much worse if you have a kid. Expect her to try to baby trap you “because God told her to” and make damn sure not to procreate.
The religion thing isn’t so much incompatible as much as the kid thing. You can convert to a religion and still not believe, you can’t compromise on a kid. That enough is a reason to leave.
It’s important sometimes to remember that a relationship ending doesn’t necessarily mean it’s failed. You lived and learned and grew, and now it’s time to take this experiences and move on.
This type of Christianity is incredibly unhealthy. Most Born again Christians become right-wing nut it’s best to leave your wife. And find somebody who doesn’t have visions.
This is no different than someone who wants kids who marries someone who doesnt hoping they’ll change their mind . She probably didn’t think it a big deal and now she does. I’m an atheist too and I would end things with my husband if this became his view. Idc if he practiced religion just don’t force it on me and the fact that she’s happily going against your beliefs in favor of her own is a horrible look for her. The majority of atheists are raised in religion so her saying you need to experience it is just another way of saying do this because your experience means nothing. I found the love of my life after leaving a 6 year relationship. Rather it be 6 than 10. You got this you’ll be alright
Yes of course you must leave her,you don’t need to waste any more of your precious life.
I mean this as kindly as possible, but “how do I deal with the emotional fallout of my divorce” isn’t really a question we’re equipped to handle. You already know what you need to do and it sounds like you’re committed to doing it. Past that, we can’t really help you. It sounds like you need a therapist or counselor to help you process this emotionally.
You need to reach out to a Christian based pastor that is not part of her group. There are many religious leaders that will see your side. She has been indoctrinated into a group that will not allow anything other than their beliefs. It’ll be a long road, but keeping her faith but with a different group should allow her to regain her individuality again. Good luck with whatever road you decide to go down.
You are still young. Go your separate ways. Find someone who shares your belief system.
People can change over time in ways that they become incompatible with their current partners. There’re no bad guys here, but it sounds like your relationship is on its last legs.
Ugh what a nightmare. Leave now while you don’t have any kids, and don’t feel bad about it. She changed in a way that’s not compatible with either of your life philosophies. And don’t end up baby-trapped. Keep your peen to yourself.
As an atheist this would be a deal breaker for me, and it should be for you. You aren’t required to make it ‘easier’, just be honest. Tell her that she is no longer the person you fell in love with and married, that you don’t believe in god or an organized religion and therefore raising a child that way is not okay with you, and because of these two things it would be best if you two divorced so you both can find someone that has the same ideals and morales as you each individually do.
Do not apologize for any of this as she is the one who changed. It’s oaky to change and grow, sometimes people grow apart and that is okay too.
Good luck.
i kinda went through something similar with an ex of mine, although we were not married. when we first got together i knew he was somewhat religious and he knew that i am atheist. towards the end of our relationship he expressed desires for us to get married and he wanted me to live a traditional married wife life of being a mother and to take care of all the household needs for him. i wanted a career and have never been certain about children. when i began to protest that’s when his religion started to become more prevalent. he told me that because i had not accepted god into my heart that i was misguided and as soon as i accepted god it would become clear that he was right (lol) i quickly realized we were deeply incompatible and ended it before it got much farther. i was also 17 and still trying to figure out what i wanted in my life and that was just too much for me. about a month after we broke up he got baptized on his birthday and then blocked me on everything. i think he wanted me to see that as one final FU but it just made me laugh
They’ve gotten in her head and she is no longer the woman you married. I’m sorry, but religion does that to people. Much like you, I’m all for people doing what they think is best. Believe how you will. But she’s gone off the deep end and everyone needs to adhere to her nonsense.
This would be a relationship killer for me. I was raised in church as well, that’s why I’m an atheist. I would never allow one of my kids to be subjected to what I went through due to religion.
There’s no hate quite like Christian love, and it’s only getting worse with these fringe crazies.
She changed. Not you. You’re no longer compatible. But beware about intimacy until you leave she’s unlikely to believe in birth control now and don’t want to be baby trapped.
Yes it’s 6 years gone OP. But you’re still only 36. You have a long life to live.
If her or her family start to cause trouble reiterate that she’s the one that changed a huge part of who she is, that you wouldn’t have dated each other let alone married if this is who she was then. It’s not on you OP, that’s her and her family’s influence. You just need to look after you, and that’s separating yourself from this unhealthy relationship as soon as possible.
People grow apart. Sometimes it can be dramatically one sided like in your case. I’m sorry. Though I will say that you are SOOO lucky that you don’t share a child with her, because I’m sensing that would be a source of many, many battles.
gtfo bro. I understand that you likely care about her a lot, and whatnot.. but that’s untennable, and so fucking toxic for you.
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Protect yourself, and there are others out there.. but esp if it seems like you would be happier alone.. definitely go.
I’m really sorry you’re going trough this.
It sounds like there’s not even a hint of her being willing to compromise on anything… I don’t think I could stay in a relationship like that.
Sounds like she’s brainwashed and in a cult-like scenario and that she takes religion and it’s teachings as a set in stone thing.
I probably have too much religious trauma ( from Christianity too btw) to have an unbiased opinion but as a current atheist I cant even look at someone like your wife without my bias showing. I couldn’t be married to someone I don’t admire as a whole person and I wouldn’t be able to admire someone that is going down that hill.
Also, as someone that had a mother like your wife, I can tell you that as a kid it was living hell. I had religion thrown down my throat so much that I learned to hate it, hate the hypocrisy of it all and hate the people that use it to get power to abuse others.
I’d head for the hills mate lol
I used to think is was ok for for people to believe what the wanted as long as it didn’t hurt anyone.
This philosophy of flawed however. Just look around at where it has led us.
You know when you see celebrities split over “irreconcilable differences”?
Yeah, I think this is what you and your spouse have right now. This is a clear difference. Your goals in life have diverged and your values are no longer aligned. This can happen and I’m sorry it has happened in your relationship.
I think sitting her down and you both having a conversation about the reality of your situation would be beneficial here. There is not reason to remain “trapped” in a relationship that is not going to work.
> She doesn’t see the level of disrespect towards me in her actions and unfortunately I am left with no option but to leave her- is becoming a religious nut-case with no other hobbies or interests and is just a totally different person than I fell in love with. I almost feel like I’m married to a nun and we have a sex-life to match that vision too sadly.
She may not see it. I wouldn’t even bring up the idea of disrespect in that conversation, instead I would focus on the reality as you see it now and the fact that you are walking two separate paths.
As clear as day, a conversation highlighting.
“We’ve been together for six years. In those six years I’ve loved you and supported you and you’ve loved and supported me. We’ve been good for each other and making each other better people. Over the past few years, I’ve felt that we are distancing ourselves from each other. I’m not casting blame anywhere, but I am not feeling that we are aligned as a couple and a partnership anymore. Our conversations over the past few months have led me to believe that our partnership may not be able to move forward. In short, I’m unhappy with some aspects of our relationship and where I see it going. I know you are finding strength and happiness in your faith, which is great, but that was never something I agreed to when we first started seeing each other. I have no interest in faith/spirituality/religion – Christianity or anything else. It is a part of who I am just as much as your faith is a part of who you are. I know that you are considering having a child and I want that for you, but I entered this relationship without that expectation and still do not have that. Simply put, our goals no longer align. To force either of us to change would be detrimental to us as people. Resentment would grow and our once happy marriage would end up strained and challenging. I want to talk to you about what a separation or potential divorce may look like now, while we’re still friends and amicable. What would it look like to split up now when there are no children involved and the separation wouldn’t involve another human being? I want you to live your life in the way you want. I want you to be happy. I want that for myself as well. I know this may be a lot to process, so I’ll give you time and I don’t need an answer today. Let’s take some time and talk through this further.”
She was vulnerable and went to a therapist who got her to drink the kool-aid. As a recovering Catholic myself, it is hard to deprogram. She has changed the whole dynamic of your relationship. This happens, but there is not much you can do but move on. She now wants brainwashed babies, which she was probably convinced that it’s her duty to make, so there are more soldiers for her gods army.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but you deserve someone who loves and respects you instead of trying to convert you. Good luck to you. 🫂
My man, come on.
Your wife claims to have visions. What more proofs do you want?
Divorce time if I were you.
During the pandemic, my partner also became religious and has switched religions from non-practicing Catholic to practicing Reform Jew. She’s joined the board of her synagogue, including a couple of committees, she suddenly stopped eating pork (which I love), shellfish, etc. Not fully kosher, but nibbling around the edges. For context, only about 17% of Jews are kosher. She signed our kids up for Jewish summer camp (claiming it was the only camp available), and put our son in a year-long bar mitzvah education program, which led to his bar mitzvah this spring. We celebrate Shabbat every Friday.
I am atheist and didn’t sign up for any of this. I have become quite resentful of it. She ignores or downplays my feelings. I share very similar views about kids being exposed to multiple faiths and perspectives and choosing – when they are cognitively mature enough – what it is they want to believe in. She dismisses that approach entirely.
It’s too late for me to get out. We have kids and their needs have to come first, but you have a different opportunity. Don’t throw it away.
Good for you for not compromising on important things: kids and beliefs.
You’re right, you are no longer compatible. People do change in a lifetime, and it’s better to acknowledge it and end the relationship than force it or bury your head in the sand.
It wasn’t a wasted 6 years. It was 6 years of your life in which you had a relationship, and left that relationship when it no longer was compatible. That’s just life. You don’t enter a relationship with a guarantee that the person will stay the same. People have health issues, lose their jobs, have mental health breaks, change beliefs.
I mean. Relationships with a significant difference (like atheist/religious) can work, but only if they’re standing on a solid foundation of mutual respect and mutual acceptance.
I’m sorry she’s changed so much. And just know that if you end the marriage now, you’re giving her the gift of freedom to pursue her life of faith and become a parent before it’s too late.
I know it seems like this is part of your problem, but I hope that you seek counseling. You deserve (secular) space to process through these big changes and your own needs and response.
Mixing religion and therapy should be a criminal act. Shoving religion down someone’s throat when they’re at their weakest… fuck that’s abusive.