I can’t have sex and i feel like a freak – I’m starting to hate myself.

I fairly recently was diagnosed with a medical condition which means I’m unable to have PIV sex until it’s corrected.

After 12 years of visiting the GP about extremely painful periods (starting going at 13 I’m now 25) and having being actively seen by a gyno from 2016-2017 I have now been told I have labial fusion – a condition very rare in adult females that is know to cause extremely painful periods. I wasn’t even diagnosed by this gyno, they never thought to do a physical examination on me so I spent the last 5 years (plus 7 years prior) having to learn to deal with vomiting, hot sweats, cold sweats, diarrehea, full pain from my abdomen all the way down to my legs all happening simultaneously by overdosing on neurofen as needed. Last year I spoke about issues inserting anything into my vagina to a nice GP I had met, I was referred to another gyno. Before even examining me he told me my condition is very common, it is mental, I’m scared but I should just practice. Upon examination he gave me the “all clear” and said to go home and return in 3 months having successfully inserted an item he gave me into my vagina. Obviously this didn’t work I went back to my GP and was referred to a vaginismus clinic. The doctor, a woman, spoke with me a bit and within 10 mins she said she didn’t believe I have a mental thing and she’d like to do a quick physical check. She looks at my vagina, attempts to insert her finger and describes my hole as “very small” she calls her colleague who also has a look and they sit me down and tell me my vagina entry is sealed behind the hole. They also explain how this is very likely to be what is causing my extreme pains. Because my hole is so small the blood doesn’t flow out freely, it would be building up inside me and having to force its way out.

At first I was shocked, also a bit relieved. Something that explains my bad period and an end in sight. Now I’m feeling resentment towards myself and my body.

I’ve wanted to have sex for a long time and couldn’t. And after a recent encounter with a guy I just hate myself. Like every person, I have some physical insecurities but I’m lucky enough to have been given an additional one that means I don’t feel like a woman, I feel like I’m not capable of giving a man what he wants sexually. I always wondered why my hookups never turned into repeat things, twice at most and I’ve come to understand that a lot of men feel like without PIV I’m keeping something from them so it’s not worth it. And now I’m feeling like I don’t deserve to enjoy sex or the experience that comes so naturally to others. I’d have to find a guy who “understands” and “doesn’t mind” I can’t just indulge in sex with someone without much thought.

What makes it worse is after reading up on labial fusion, it is likely to reoccur after surgery, it’s not a done deal, so this could be something I experience for the rest of my life. My body’s way of ensuring this is something that I will never get to be comfortable with. And that thought alone is started to make me actually scared of PIV.

I’m looking at myself and I’m feeling grossed out, like I don’t deserve sex or intimacy and that there is no point anyway because men wouldn’t want me.

Any tips on how to navigate this would be helpful.

TLDR; diagnosed with Labial fusion at 25, feeling like I’m not a woman and I don’t deserve to enjoy sex and that men will be grossed out by me, starting to resent myself.