Lately I don’t feel the same excitement when my wife and I have sex. I don’t know why. We do a lot of things at least a lot for us who grew up more conservative when it comes to sex.

I don’t feel the same excitement. I stopped watching porn 7 months ago and I don’t know if that’s the problem. I try to fantasize about things that could be exciting but it doesn’t feel as exciting. I love having sex but it just doesn’t feel as exciting.

I hate that. Maybe that’s normal after 9 years together. Or am I missing something?

25 comments

  2. What are your ages? How often do you have sex? Hormones drop off as we age. Mt wife and I are in our 70’s and we are down to maybe 3 times a month.

  3. There is a huge difference between infatuation love and forever love. Sex is easy and natural when you are young and a relationship is new.

    Couples that are older and have been together for a while need to navigate away from sex being an automatic and natural thing to an intentional adventure.

    My wife and I are 48 and 44 and having wild kinky sex all the time after nothing for a while. Getting adventurous changed everything.

  4. If you’re having regular, good sex with your partner, that’s amazing, be happy! I mean, of course sex won’t be AS exciting as it is in the first few years of a relationship. We go through seasons of life. If “sexual excitement” is top priority, why get married to one person?

    Is it completely boring? You can try new things to spice it up as far as outfits, role-playing, toys, taking pictures, taking fantasies (see what she’s into), etc. But if you’ve already explored these things with her, then yeah. This is life man.

    The role of sex in marriage isn’t to be the most exciting- that’s what crazy wild single orgies are for. That’s why so many people cheat. All the porn you watched in the past feeds into this “excitement” expectation. You need to refocus your expectations and understand that life isn’t just about the next “exciting” orgasm.

  6. How is her enthusiasm? Who usually initiates? Are you just going through the motions? Is there flirting throughout the day? Some sexting? Is anticipation built up? For me sex is very emotional. It’s mentally arousing and exciting. It’s way more than just physical touching. Way more than an orgasm. The buildup is what really makes it SOMETHING. The passion and lust.

    I’m wondering if that’s simmered down?

  8. Every time I see something regarding sex I’m going to ask the same thing.

    What’s both of your fitness levels? If you’re anything other than fit and actively exercising 3-4 days a week start there and begin dieting like an adult.

    You’ll feel incredible, likely save some money, and before you know it you’ll be all over each other.

  9. Not watching porn is always a good choice. Porn is brain poison.

    You’re probably just experiencing the decreasing dopamine returns from having sex with the same partner, in the same ways for 9 years. It’s pretty common.

  10. I wish I could screen shot my mine and husbands texts to each-other because we really get each other going all the time and after nearly 20 years together and 18 married, we will literally tear the clothes off each other. We meet each other in sneaky places around our home. I send him Ice cream emojis which is a secret code for lick all over me asap. It’s also super fun to suggest ice cream after dinner I love to see him excited about getting the kids to bed so we can have dessert. 😜

    We plan to use out truck in the garage when he gets home from work in a week. We will lock the garage door and bounce the truck up and down if we bump the horn? Ok that’s more fun.

    Ok enough of that.
    What helps is sexting. Text her what you’re going to do to her. But really do it.
    Tonight, I’m going to slowly spread your legs apart and kiss you softly all over. Then I’m going to …

    You get the point but the key is saying and doing things to her that she finds absolutely irresistible.

    I told my husband tonight that I want him to tie me down when he gets home but I didn’t say

    “Tie me down when you get home”

    I said

    “When you get home I want you to bust through that door, grab me, throw me on the bed, tear my clothes off and show me how you tie a really good knot, on my wrists and ankles. ..make sure I can’t get out. Then I want you to do anything you’ve ever wanted to do to me”

    For reference he drives a ship for his career – he can tie some knots and in that text I acknowledged one of his crafts and skills and told him to use it in sex

    After that? What’s he gonna think when he’s tying the ship to a dock? As soon as he throws a knot he is going to see me in his mind. Just that subtle reminder of something we did – is exciting
    He has a two hour drive from work to our home… the planning makes for intense build up sexually. By the time he’s here we will be beyond ready. The texting and planning creates a thrill. And you and your wife will probably find that having a sexy plan / secret makes the anticipation so amazing.

    He’s going to think about me on our bed while he makes me scream in absolute pleasure that I had not ability to squirm away from.

    That felt like tmi but sex is so important and every couple should have it and it should be incredible.

    That said we are conservative and waited for marriage and did premarital counseling with our pastor … we still like to be imaginative and fun with sex … we have five kids as a result

    We also live on a huge property so we have a lot of privacy and tons of locks – but you can figure out what works for you and your wife.

    You can light the spark. Once you do you may see the fire burns hotter than ever before

    Oh and edit to say
    I saw in another comment from you that you’re about our age. We (my husband and I ) are both 37

  11. Tease her throughout the day kiss her complement her.
    Spoil her. One thing I’ve been doing is having bubble bath with my wife rose petals on the floor soft romantic music candles. Also cuddling naked. Te” her you appreciate her and you love her. Use toys also spontaneous sex is good as well.

  12. I haven’t gone through the comments so I don’t know if it’s mean mentioned yet but I recommend you read “mating in captivity”

  14. I used to smoke pot with the Mrs and that made sex really good. But i made the choice of not smoking anymore, so now sex seems kind of blah but I’m trying to get back in shape and considering trt therapy and that should help things get more interesting lol

  15. How old are you? My hormones tanked without warning in my late 30’s and it took me a while to realize it. That was my problem. Up until I made the discovery I was explaining it away and rationalizing it in all kinds of stupid ways

  16. This is fairly normal I’d say. I’ve experienced this with my wife but we decided to explore things like kink and entry level BDSM. Maybe you should read up on it. It doesn’t have to be as crazy as you imagine when you hear kink and BDSM. Spank her, let her lay across you lap naked and play with her while you’re enjoying a movie or tv show, bang in a parking lot. It could literally be anything. Just be adventurous and open about fantasies with one another. As a man, being more vulnerable with your wife is next level love.

    Of course this takes two consenting individuals but communication is key to any successful relationship.

  18. Normal and not.

    It is normal if the novelty of having sex in general is gone (maybe the initial “excitement” was higher for you due to the upbringing?).

    Not normal just because you’ve been with the same person for a while. Honestly, many are finding sex with their long term partners more fulfilling as everyone knows what to do and there is more acceptance about one’s body.
    Sex with a long term partner is not just orgasm and new tricks. That too, but there is more “magic”, deeper connection.

    You said that even porn is not as appealing. Could be that sometime else that is happening? Stress, something off with hormones?

    Could be also the “midlife crisis”. Are you just bored in general?
    Find a new hobby, new job. Something that will give you adrenaline bust once a while. New sport could be the most beneficial for your body and brain. Otherwise you will start looking for unhealthy ways to spice up your life.

  19. Purchase “The Adventure Challenge…in Bed” it’s a bunch of scratch off “challenges” for couples to explore and spice things up. Also check out Dating Divas on Instagram for tips on building connection in and out of the bedroom!

  22. I’ve found porn, like everyone else I’m sure has figured out, really desensitizes you to actual intimate moments with your wife/husband. We’ve been married for 2 but together for 5. As to be expected, you’re going to get bored. Gotta get a little adventurous to keep things fresh. My wife will sporadically put on a costume, I’ll just initiate/grab her randomly in the morning when she’s getting ready (she loves it) to keep some mystery going. It’s normal to get bored

    I watched an interview with a former adult movie actor who said that “porn is a fictional representation of a romantic encounter”. Kind of stuck with me. The stuff you see in movies is not how it is in real life.

  23. Human nature..basically people get tired of everything, which is why we always have to keep changing / doing / can’t stop to smell the roses etc

  25. Sounds like a testosterone issue. Get it checked and then treat it appropriately with testosterone injections

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