my boyfriend 24m and i 23f have been together for over a year. most of the time it’s fine but for the last few months we have had the same argument. I have ptsd from SA and hate having my nipples touched. it makes me feel like i’ve teleported back to the times where people have done really gross things to me. when we first started dating i tried to ignore this trigger because i don’t like conflict and thought i could push down the disgust and get on with it but i eventually told him about it, explained why it felt bad and he would stop doing it for a few days but then start again. he always excuses it as “i thought you were more loving today so it’d be okay”, “i thought you wanted it”, “i thought i was being gentle” or “but i asked”. he does ask and i am really bad at setting boundaries so i eventually give in.
whenever he does it, i freeze, start shaking and crying and if he doesn’t comfort me, i become more and more out of control.
i sob and start yelling, i know it’s bad but sometimes i start pushing him and launching myself at him. i feel like a complete wild person in this headspace and can’t rationalise anything. afterwards, i feel shame and humiliation and embarrassment. it didn’t escalate to this severe reaction until about 3 months ago.
he says “but i just really love you and i really love playing with all of you” and i can’t understand why you would want to risk a flashback just to play with nipples? he feels rejected and mopes around for the rest of the day and then i feel like i have to suck up to him
sorry for the long post i’m just looking for insight or maybe another way i can explain it to him or just any help at all
8 comments
Well, you only have two options:
1. Accept that you have serious problems which are damaging your relationship, address them and learn to have healthy intimacy
2. Make everyone else work around your problems until eventually they stop trying because it’s a waste of time and you’ll never change.
Your choice.
Have a serious discussion about this trigger. Tell him that unless you give your consent explicitly before sex (and I mean before, not on the cusp of it) he is not to touch you like that ever.
I’m a bit worried that despite you clearly spiralling when he touches your nipples, he still carries on and what’s worse pouts when you refuse. That doesn’t scream “I love and respect you” in my humble opinion.
He needs to respect your boundaries and you also need to find a way to enforce them because clearly he is disrespectful to the highest level.
I would also suggest therapy if you haven’t started yet.
If he still doesn’t respect your boundaries, you’ll have to reevaluate the relationship. That can be done with the support of a professional.
Edit: spelling
He’s sexually assaulting you and making you feel bad about your reaction. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but your boyfriend absolutely knows better. These are not mistakes. Consent has expressly NOT been given. There’s nothing left to explain to him. He is believes his own pleasure is more important than you feeling safe, and that’s not acceptable.
You need to end this. He ain’t listening to you.
TBH you need to sees counseling if you haven’t already, and cut off sexual activity until you’re in a more stable state.
This feels intentional. For at least 3 months he’s known and seen with his own eyes how it transforms you & he keeps doing it.
Don’t allow yourself to be victimized anymore. Leave him. You deserve better
Honestly if that’s your reaction to him touching you, you should break up and go see a therapist. You have some really bad unresolved trauma and you need to get it resolved. I don’t think you’re ready for an adult relationship. Seek therapy.