Just to preface: I know this sounds so goddamn stupid bc it’s over some dogs. But she gives zero compromise when I bring it up night after night.
I (27m) have been dealing with this issue for a while. My gf (27f) has two small dogs that she insists on sleeping with us on the bed. We have a king sized bed, but the dogs sprawl all over and get between us, so it makes for many uncomfortable nights twisting and turning and repositions dogs. I’ve already suggested having them sleep on the floor on a dog bed many times but that’s not an option “bc they need to sleep on the bed with me”. I really don’t want to, but an option is for me to sleep in my spare bedroom. I can predict this will cause issues down the road and/or immediately. Have any of you experienced anything like this? Whether it be bc of pets, or any other reason you left the bedroom. How has it affected your relationship positively/negatively?
24 comments
Nope….. just nope
It’s really not stupid in my opinion. It’s your bed just as much as hers, there has to be some sort of compromise. I can’t imagine forcing my partner out of the bed because I’d rather have my pets in there. Similar thing, my boyfriend is irritated by cat hair. Once we moved and we’re able to have my cats in the separate room, they don’t sleep in the bedroom anymore🤷♀️ having them in there isn’t worth him waking up stuffy and coughing every morning. Easy fix.
If someone prefers their dogs comfort over my own… I don’t know if I could continue a relationship with that person.
What’s more important than whether or not you move to another bedroom, is how constructively you two fight.
If you were to move to the other bedroom right now, it would look kinda like you’re doing it to punish her. THAT is what’ll hurt the relationship.
I know from having dogs all my life, once they start sleeping on the bed, getting them to *then start* using a dog bed is very, very difficult. Odds are they’ll stay on the floor only for a little while. But there might be other solutions here.
One thing we do: We already use separate blankets (I “run hotter” than my wife, and she’s a damn sheet hog). So we rolled up a small blanket and made an oval shape between us that the dog understands is “his” territory”. Kinda like a dog bed on the bed.
So when my dog rolls onto his back and stuff, he’s twitching against “his” blanket”, not my blanket. It helps a lot.
It also means I’m forced to sleep on my side because if I turned onto my stomach or back, I’d half fall off the bed. Just not enough room up there.
I would definitely make it clear that you have a right to sleep in your own bed, so you guys need to try *something*. Getting that acknowledgment from her is important.
Picking dogs on the bed over your SO is lunacy. If she likes them that much better than she likes you, why are you still in the relationship?
Inability to maintain boundaries with pets is a sign of low character. Too many people let their dogs and cats walk all over them and run the household. They’re animals, they’re not people. They’re your property, you are in charge, not them.
I *have* to sleep next to my big black lab. Nothing else is an option. That being said, I know that there’s not enough room for another person in my bed, therefore I stay single! It’s not fair to the outsider, and it’s not fair to the dog, especially if that’s what they’re used to.
My husband snores loudly and I’m the lightest sleeper EVER. We’ve been together for 26 years and haven’t shared a bedroom in over 20. When we go away, I get no sleep. Separate bedrooms means we’re both happy and well rested.
Put this to her as a good nights sleep situation – you understand about the dogs, but adequate sleep is a biological imperative, so you will be sleeping in the other room. This doesn’t mean you can’t do other bedroom activities, but the sleep thing is paramount.
So… she has a choice: dogs or you.. and the dogs are winning???
Well… you could tell her “thats ok, this way i’ll have a chance to see if i can get through all the porn on the internet… while i lie alone…”
Or.. get a cat?? Insist it sleeps in your bed with her and the dogs??
Seriously – shes prioritizing the dogs over you… the future looks bleak, my friend…
I got a new dog last year for my birthday and she is a little cuddle bug. My husband is totally in love with her and insists on her sleeping in the bed which I hate. I’m litteraly 36 weeks pregnant right now but he will not acquiesce to my request. I have no advice I just want you to know you aren’t alone in the struggle. Also, some of these people are crazy. Just because two people have a difference in preference doesn’t mean the two should break up. My husband and I pretty much compromise every night at this point. If she’s sleeping on her bed on the floor I ask him to leave her be but sometimes he wants to cuddle her so I just deal with it. Good luck to the both of us and our sleep.
Me and my partner of 16yrs usually slept separately for a number of reasons.
He likes to be cooler, I like to be hot.
He sleeps with the TV on, I need it off
He likes a light on, I need it dark.
We both snore and wake each other up lol
The odd night that we will sleep in the same bed (like last night) neither of us get good sleep and are tired the next day.
Our relationship is fine. Sleeping in separate spaces has not affected our love life either.
Now excuse me while me and the dogs go for a nap lol
Start pissing on her side of the bed and blame the dogs.
Lack of sleep can cause a lot of arguments in relationships because you’re prone to be more irritable if you are not fully rested.
If she’s unwilling to compromise and the dogs need to sleep in the bed with her in order for her to feel most secure but it’s affecting your quality of sleep, then there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Babe, I love you. But I need to make sure I get a good night’s rest. So I think to compromise we have our nightly routine where we cuddle up and watch our tv shows/movie before bed, then when it comes time to sleep we let the dogs back in the room and I’ll head over to the spare bedroom. That way we still spend quality time with each other, and then we both sleep in conditions we find most comfortable.”
Lots of couples sleep in separate beds due to many different reasons. For myself, I love sleeping in rooms that are freezing cold. Like even in the winter I’ll have a window slightly cracked open. My last relationship my gf had to start sleeping in a different room because she was the polar opposite and wanted the furnace blasting and 20 blankets while also cuddling. We broke up for other reasons, but that’s just an example of compromising for sleepy time.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who had an issue sleeping with a dog in the bed, tbh. Any time I’ve owned a dog, they’ve always slept in my bed – and that’s single or alone. And if I dated a guy who refused to share the bed with the pups, then we’d definitely not be moving in together.
People do make sleeping in separate bedrooms work though. Usually it’s for sleep issues like snoring, etc. You’ll probably have to be more mindful about scheduling lazy bedroom cuddle time and sex, potentially, since it can’t be as impromptu. But you’re both adults – you should be able to adjust your routines (and you’ll probably find you’ll sleep better, to be honest – no sharing blankets or snoring or waking up when your partner gets up to pee or whatever).
New routine could be, cuddle in bed for 30-60 minutes before when you’d go to sleep – watch tv, read, have some intimate time, or whatever. Then, when it’s time to go to bed, do your goodnights/sleep wells, and then go to your room. Doesn’t always have to be you going to her room, but you can swap.
Hold your boundary, let her know your intention and plan, and go from there. Maybe the threat of you sleeping in the other room will make her train the dogs to not sleep in the bed. Or maybe she’ll be totally fine with having separate sleep spaces.
I got tired of being uncomfortable due to a million pillows on the bed, and started sleeping on the couch more and more often.
The main consequence has been that I get way better sleep.
I dealt with this! I moved in with my then-fiancé and brought my dog. My dog sleeps in the bed but during the night he’ll move to the floor. My ex wanted my dog to sleep off our bed and in his own bed, so he bought him a pretty pricy one on Amazon. He tried to force my dog to sleep in it each night for about a week. One day I walked into the room and saw that my dog had completely destroyed the bed. 🤣 we broke up anyways but my dog won🤪
It’s not the separate bedrooms that cause the problem, it’s that she prioritizes the dogs over you (and your relationship)
Our cat sleeps in the bed with us but she learned quickly that my husband sleeps like a rock so she’s likely to get kicked/smushed if she fucks with him so she sleeps at my feet, instead. If it was a problem for him I wouldn’t let her sleep with us at all because she’s an animal and he’s a person. She can sleep pretty much anywhere and while it may be a pain to change her sleeping arrangements at first, she’d get used to it.
We used to have a fairly large dog (about 60lbs) and as much as I adored him, there’s no way in hell I’d let him sleep in the bed with us. My husband didn’t mind if he did (again, when he’s asleep he’s *out*) but he understood why I didn’t want him in the bed and never pushed the issue. Our dog happily slept in his bed in our closet or on the couch.
As for sleeping separately: some couples can do it without issues, others can’t. The ones who can usually a) have no choice and b) make up for the lost intimacy in other ways. In your case, she could choose to train the dogs to sleep elsewhere but doesn’t want to, and the inevitable resentment that’ll build up on your part will make it a lot harder to make up for the lost intimacy.
Some dog people feel strongly about this. If everything else is decent in the relationship, I think you should just sleep in separate rooms.
We start in the shared bed (snuggle or whatever), and then attempt to go to sleep together. I’d say 3/7 nights a week one of us can’t sleep for whatever reason and goes into the spare bedroom to sleep. Hasn’t affected us at all as a couple. We understand sleep is important, but we also be sure to connect right before bed whether or not we’re sleeping in the same room.
I will say I also value having my dog sleep with me, so I kind of understand where your wife is coming from. Feeling my dog up against my feet helps me sleep most nights, calms my anxiety. My dog has learned over the years that she sleeps on *my* side of the bed though. My husband only complains a few times a year about the dog bothering him at night.
I usually give it 10-15 minutes before I just move (taking the dog with me LOL).
I’ve been with my husband for over 12 years. We often have slept separately for one reason or another (snoring, time difference, dogs, kids). It is more important to get good sleep than insist on sharing a bed. So unless you guys are snugglers while you sleep (we aren’t) I don’t think it should affect the relationship. You have all those waking hours to give affection. Sleep time is for sleeping.
It sounds like there’s a couple things you need to think about and discuss with your partner. 1. How do you feel about bedtime intimacy? Do you want to be able to snuggle with her every night or would you be okay if you had your own bedroom? 2. Once you have that figured out, ask her the same questions, see what her answer is, and go from there. If she’s cool with separate beds, awesome! I know many couples who have that arrangement and it works for them! If she wants her dogs, but also wants you in the same bed, a compromise needs to be made or else you will end up resenting her.
OP this is the absolutely not the woman for you. She doesn’t care for you enough to accommodate conditions so that you get good rest at night.
I generally find pet owners to be like this. I personally find pets sleeping in your bed to be utterly vile and disgusting but ask most pet owners about this and they will be very offended at you questioning their deep love of sleeping in an animal’s filth.
Just find someone more compatible. She ain’t the one, OP.
My partner and I sleep separately and love it. We still have an active sex life, spend time cuddling and give affection, and are overall healthy. It is what you make it.