My husband (M/38) literally said he thinks I (F/34) do nothing” as a stay-at-home mom…

45 comments

1. >Can someone please tell me what they would do?

   I would completely stop doing the “nothing” you do all day, other than making sure your children are fed, of course. Let him see what exactly “nothing” looks like.

2. Honestly, I would challenge him on this. The next day off he gets, let him know that he gets to enjoy what it feels like to be a housewife. Leave him in charge of it all. He’s the dad, so he should be able to take care of the kids. He can do the laundry, clean the house, all of that. Leave if you have to so he can truly experience the housewife life. Then revisit the conversation.

3. Well, it makes sense to start with stopping all work that primarily benefits him. Don’t do his laundry, or help with his business, or clean his stuff. Tell him when the baby needs a diaper change. All that. (And why have his kid over on the weekend if he isn’t doing any of the parenting?) It’s *possible* that will jolt him into realizing what an ass he’s being, and he’ll apologize and atone.

   But it’s probably more likely that what will happen is he’ll just get mad at you, refuse to acknowledge the logic that clearly you do quite a lot, and rage at you about what a horrible useless person you are.

   If that’s the case, please believe him that he is an ungrateful asshole who isn’t going to change into anyone you want to be with, and start making plans for your next steps. Don’t just wait around posting on Reddit about “how can I make him treat me decently?”

   P.S. While *I am absolutely not saying that this is the case or that it’s even likely,* I will add that in my observation, when men suddenly start attacking their partners like this, it’s often because they’ve already decided they want out of the relationship. They aren’t feeling happy so therefore it must be the wife’s fault for failing them so therefore they start grasping at straws to explain why she doesn’t deserve their loyalty anymore. It’s a pattern.

4. Take a week vacay without them all. Leave him in charge to do it all.

   Come back, then compare notes on how it went.

   Some people have to walk that mile in someone else’s shoes to understand what they go through.

5. Do less. Do NOT work for your husband without getting paid.
   You’re subsiding his lifestyle with free childcare, free maid service, free culinary services, etc.

   Edited to add: working outside the home it’s much easier than childcare.

6. I feel like this is a terrible example for the children. Watching him sit there with his feet up (when hes home, which is all they see) while you do everything is teaching them some very bad things about relationships and gender roles. He should be taking on part of the load when’s he’s home. You should also switch roles for a day. He takes the day off work and does everything you do in a day, while you leave the house, come home at night, and just relax. If that doesn’t get through to him, divorce.

7. Take a vacation and let him pick up your “nothing”.

   I have routinely left to visit family alone for several days every so often since getting married, and my husband is always so delighted to have me back to take my chores back. It sounds like you’re overdue.

8. So you are a true SAHM, part-time assistant (even if it’s just a few hours a week), and expected to earn your own spending money???

   Your husband sucks.

   Sounds like maybe you need to take 2 weeks off. Just 2 weeks where he is 100% a stay at home dad. When you come home everything better be spotless and kids better have been well fed and taken care of all by him. No babysitters, no MIL or mom help. All him. If he can do that and still feels that way, then he may have a point. However, I truly doubt he can do that.

9. Stop doing his personal assistance stuff, tell him, he can hire someone to do that.

   Write out everything you do in a day and ask him where he sees you aren’t doing anything.

10. I think people have said everything I’d say. But this is infuriating. Please update us when you stand up to him.

11. I’d do two things. One – make sure there are no circumstances where you could get pregnant and have another child to raise mostly by yourself. Two – however you do it (and I’d start my demanding a wage for the admin work or stop doing it and increase your side hustle) and work on building up a personal nest egg under your own control.

12. Stop doing anything in fact go visit family for a bit leave him with the kids

13. This sort of thing, if left like that, will make you more and more resentful and angry and you don’t deserve it.

    Someone else said that when men go on the attack like this because they want out, and I tend to think the same, but it’s possible it’s just me projecting, so I’d confront him with all you do, and tell him you want couple therapy. At the very least he doesn’t respect what you do and the relationship needs some work. If he opposes to therapy and don’t accept all your work, well… frankly I’d start thinking about splitting because you’re living like a support character for a man who doesn’t appreciate it and it’s not fair at all.

14. This man doesn’t respect you. It’s hard to tell if he even loves you.

    He views you as a servant. He doesn’t deserve the treatment and good will that you’re giving him.

    You could be the absolute most perfect woman and wife in the world and he would still probably find reasons to resent you.

    It’s time to really think about what kind of life you’ve got and if you’re happy sticking with it. It sounds like he does next to nothing at home except give you more work. If you didn’t have him, then you could just look after yourself and your kids and have some free time as well since you wouldn’t be doing admin for his business (which he should be paying you for btw).

    As it stands, it seems like he’s financially abusing you and I wouldn’t be surprised if that spills over into emotional mistreatment as well. I hope you’ll take this time to really think about your situation and learn to prioritise yourself since your husband won’t.

15. Well since you do nothing and are not contributing really to the house hold I think you needs to go away for a few days to really think about what you’ve done. Leave the kids and all the household duties that you do since it’s not like you do much anyway and spend some time alone to think about it.

    You should also do some research about day care for the kids since we all know that it’s pretty cheap and then you should really focus on your career and work so no more doing all the household work that can be split as well as the childcare in the evenings and during the weekend. Also your husband will have to find someone else to be his personal assistant so he’ll need someone to help with his accounts and do his tax’s for him.

    So after you get back from your trip to think about things sit down with your husband who would be perfectly relaxed after spending a few days alone with the kids and talk about your options going forward. He can have his nice clean house with his kids well looked after while having the benefits of having a stay at home wife and mother or he can look forward to splitting all household duties more fairly and the added cost of childcare and paying for extra help around his business. It’ll be a bit easier for him to digest if you bring a few facts and figure. Don’t forget to compliment him on the nice clean home, having all the chores done and the kids well looked after when you come back because we wouldn’t want him to feel that you are resentful because of how easy he had it while you were away.

16. https://www.salary.com/articles/how-much-is-a-mom-really-worth-the-amount-may-surprise-you/

    Answer: $184,820 a year

    The article breaks down the work an average SAHM does and how much that’s worth.

17. I was expecting a regular SAHM situation (you wouldn’t be in the wrong regardless), but you do work?? You do graphic design, that’s work. You’re not doing nothing by anyones definition?? You do his shit too? You basically have two jobs? Huh?????

18. Yea, stop looking after him. Let him really see what nothing looks like. Let him manage himself. When he brings it up simply affirm that he’s stated you do nothing and that is exactly what you’re doing. ✨Nothing✨

19. I really don’t understand why women let themselves get trapped in a shitshow like that in 2023. Wtf have I just read

20. I’d say it’s time for a ” stop work” or a “slow roll” form of labour protest. He’s a contractor. He should understand how a strike works. Bring your demands to the table. He (management) is being unreasonable.

21. I mean this in the least victim blamey way possible, but *girl* you have *got* to work on your boundaries and what you accept as normal in your life!!

    You have accepted this behavior and lack of partnership from your husband for *years* too long! The very first time he implied you did “nothing” should have been when you started actually doing nothing.

    That’s fine, you can start now. As of today, he does not get to benefit from your labor. His laundry, dishes, picking up his shit, doing anything unpaid for the business, *nothing*. If he complains, tell him that you just doing what he told you you were, *nothing*.

    Unappreciative and financially abusive assholes do not deserve your time or labor. Please learn to respect yourself enough to demand what you deserve and to leave when you admit to yourself that he is incapable of providing it.

22. Go on a vacation for 2 weeks and leave everything to him or get a full-time job outside the home. Both will feel like you’re getting a break.

23. This was my ex-husband. Even though I was watching our two toddler children and running and in home daycare he constantly had resentments that I was doing nothing and putting the financial burden on him. According to him this resentment is what fueled him to start an affair. The shitty thing was was during the affair I actually stopped doing the in-home daycare and got a full-time job outside of the house. Then the goal post moved and he was upset that I wasn’t making as much money as him. I still had to do 90% of the house and child care. There were times I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time, and when I was better I would come out and find every single dirty dish from the last 3 days just sitting out on the counter or on the coffee table and literal trash on the floor. Not a single thing done to help me. He’s now my ex, and honestly the workload has gotten less now that he’s not around.

24. When someone starts coming for their stay at home spouse with the “you do nothing” narrative, they’ve already checked out of the relationship or are planning to. Making arrangements to that eventuality would be the best advice going forward.

    My partner works 9am to 3am, and he still finds the time to help me, the SAHM, with childcare and dishes, and when he can’t, he’s apologetic and grateful for all that I do that makes his life easier. Because if he didn’t have me, he’d be coming home at 3am to a dirty home overfilled with dust and laundry and an empty fridge. I contribute to all of that, as well as filling his home with love and joy, so he has a *home*, not a house, to come home to.

25. Your husband is the worst. Literally a shit person. I was going to suggest actually doing nothing for a good 2 weeks. Don’t clean up. Don’t do laundry. Don’t make any dinner for him or help him with his business. When he gets home from work, hand the kids off to him and leave until it’s past bedtime for the toddlers. He will see all the nothing that you do. I have worked and been a SAHM. Being a stay at home mom is harder. Anyway, I was going to suggest letting him experience the “nothing”. But, he is a loser who will only see his point of view. Anyone who says this to his wife doesn’t care, respect, or love his wife. You need to respect YOURSELF. Get a divorce. See how he likes filling your role at home and having to pay for daycare. This man doesn’t deserve you.

26. Ok, but personal assistant all by itself is a full time job. I guess my advice would be to go to Thailand for 3 months. If you are you doing “nothing” all day, it will be fine. You will come back all refreshed, with a sunny disposition, and everything will be great, because no one will miss your nothing contributions.

27. It’s easier to be a single parent than to stay married to a man that doesn’t value and respect what you do on a daily basis. Peace the eff out hun! You’ll slowly kill your self esteem trying to please this doofus.

28. God I hate this for you. No one notices when things are clean, they don’t see the hours that go in to cleaning and maintaining. But they sure as fuck notice when they don’t have clean underwear or dishes. It’s bullshit.

29. My husband is also a general contractor and his job is 100% hard AF labor all day. It’s just him and his dad so he’s literally doing the same work a whole team of people would be doing normally. He also said this to me recently when he was mad which isn’t the first time. However, he also decided to say it directly to our 5 yr old disabled son who I am the caretaker for 24/7. “Mommy is really lazy and just sits on her butt all day while Daddy is working really hard.” That was my breaking point. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t washed anything of his or cooked him any food. He huffs and puffs about it and asks me to clean his clothes and “can you please make me something to eat, I’m so hungry”. My only response is “sorry, I’m much too lazy to do any of that. I’d much rather just sit on my ass.” And I do. He hates it but oh fucking well bc I did all that stuff and he clearly didn’t appreciate a bit of it so his grown ass man self can do it now. When I told him I wouldn’t be doing any of that for him anymore he said “fine, then I’m going to need you to help out with the bills”. And when I reminded him that I always help out with the bills he said “no you don’t. You never do.” So now when he asks “can you please pay this today. I’m at work/I’m short part of it” I say “no. I don’t help out with the bills ever, remember?” And I know our relationship is messed up, no one has to tell me.

30. Show him what “doing nothing” really looks like.

31. Stop doing it for a few days (aside from child care when he’s at work) and see if he still thinks that.

32. Honestly, tell him you’re getting a job. Tell him based on his comment that you decided it’s best to start working. He’ll need to be home with the children while you interview until you get hired. And since you’ll be working, you’ll have to split house and parenting duties. Also daycare will cost $1200-$1500 a month with toddlers because it’s that hefty of a job. If you stop everything you do, he’ll likely get angry and criticize you further, making the situation worse. It will cause heated moments while with the children in the house.

    OR you could try communicating this issue to him. Make a list of your daily/weekly activities for him to see visually. Tell him how you feel, how he made you feel. Ask him if he would prefer you get a job and split house/parenting duties. Ask him about his job and find out why he’s becoming resentful. Does his job make him miserable? Maybe he should consider finding a new one.

33. Plenty of good points already but wanted to add. You said he claims he sacrifices for the family. If this just refers to his full time work, remember he would be doing that even if there were no kids or wife. So unless he has sacrificed above and beyond that, it’s a pointless claim. Also why is your job 16+ hours per day 7 days per week and his isn’t?

34. Lol I’m sorry but I’m a petty ass person and I’d show him what it would be like if I did nothing all day. That’s exactly what I’d do. Of course I’d take care of the kids because they wouldn’t be neglected, but as far as cooking for him, cleaning the dishes and doing his laundry….nope. Let him do all that. Taking care of 1 toddler is not easy, let alone 2. He’s being ridiculous. Seriously, if he thinks you’re doing nothing then show him what doing nothing really looks like. Good luck Op

35. My husband tried this ONCE. I stopped doing everything for him. No lunches, no phone calls no laundry, didn’t get any of his stuff at the store, didnt touch his side of the room when I was cleaning, didn’t do our weekly budget (still paid the bills but didn’t budget out his weekly spending money and it was gone in 2 days) and made super simple dinners (like frozen pizza, sandwiches, chicken nuggets) for almost a week before he admitted defeat. I did just enough so my kids and I wouldn’t suffer.
    He finally realized that I take care of 5 people on a daily basis including myself.

36. I’m thinking you’re finding out why he’s his baby mama’s ex and why he only has his kid on weekends.

    You can try arguing with him, but having lived this in my first marriage, it won’t work. He doesn’t respect you. Down deep, he just sees you as the help or a lesser person. I’d just calmly ask questions the next time he seems calm and the kids are in bed. If you do nothing all day, how does the laundry get done, his personal finances get dealt with, the house get clean? Is he prepared to pay for all those services, from childcare to housecleaning, if you leave for a man who respects you?

    He’s fallen for the classic lie: people who get paid for their work have worth, and those who don’t, don’t. I’d ask him when that started, before he got you to wait on him hand and foot or after?

    I’d also ask when he started considering cheating on you. Just saying, from experience.

37. I do insurance for businesses, and I can’t even begin to tell you the number of contractors who tell me they do it all themselves and have no help. Then in the next sentence tell me to talk to their wife about the finances or project management because she handles that stuff. Taxes, payroll, ordering, organizing, etc. all the wife but they run the business all by themselves because they are the one that picks up the tool.

38. I was a SAHM. My husband thought I did nothing as well. When I finally had enough. I went on strike. We had many discussions before this about “me not doing enough/anything “.

    So, I decided to do absolutely Nothing. And I mean nothing, except for making sure my kids were fed. He had no clean clothes, no clean dishes, the house was a complete wreck (we had 2 toddlers) I refused to cook for him. I didn’t run any errands, like going to the grocery store or paying bills. I even refused to answer any questions about anything related to our home or kids. I would just say “I have no idea…I don’t do anything, remember..”

    After 1 week, he was begging, and apologized.

39. Start looking for a full time job. Make sure that it is an in-person job because your husband apparently completely discounts any work performed in the home. Tell your husband he needs to find childcare (don’t do it for him). Stop helping him with his business because apparently it is so trivial that it counts as nothing. I saw at least one other commenter speculating that he is probably planning on leaving you. While I am not as sure as that commenter, having your own full-time job addresses that possibility by making you more independent. On the other hand, if he really does think that everything in the household just magically happens, it might open his eyes.

40. The game changer for us was literally changing positions. I went to work/school full time and he quit his job and stayed home with the kids full time.

    When I was suddenly not there to do it all and pick up the after hour pieces it became clear to him quickly just how big the job is.

41. I’ve been having the convos about equal/fair division of work with my SO, and this is the way I framed it. What would you have to start doing if I left? What would change about your day to day if we were no longer together? My day to day would remain basically the same – add doing dishes and paying bills. His day to day would change drastically – meals, grocery shopping, mental labor, laundry, kids, etc.

42. Classic joke:

    A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

    The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

    Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

    In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

    In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

    He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

    As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

    As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

    She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

    “What happened here today?’”

    She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

    “Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

    She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

43. Brady Bunch him. Go away for the weekend and leave him with the 4 kids.

44. He thinks you do nothing because you don’t have a job. He doesn’t see your contribution to the household as valuable or work because it isn’t generating income. I’m not saying this because I agree with him, I’m just explaining the misogynistic logic behind it. This is how sexist assholes operate- they view everything a SAHM does as nothing, as the lowliest, most minimal effort human occupation. What you need to do is find a full-time job outside the house and tell him to hire someone else to clean and look after the kids and be his personal assistant because he doesn’t appreciate or value what you’ve been doing so far so it’s foolish of you to continue doing it.

45. First of all, stop being his personal assistant. Spend that time on yourself. Tell him he can PAY YOU to do that job if he wants it done. Start that immediately.

    Secondly, keep up with the kids, feed them, etc, but stop doing your husband’s laundry, don’t cook for him, don’t even buy things you and your kids won’t use.

    Lastly, when he’s off work next, as soon as he’s up, say “bye” and leave for the entire day. Turn your phone to silent. Don’t answer any texts, whether angry or begging. Unless it’s a dire emergency, do not answer. When you get home to a destroyed house, tell him he’s lazy and he can’t even do your job for one day.

    Depending on his relationship with your child from a previous relationship, you may want to have them stay with family when you do this.