To start, we’ve been married 15 years and have 3 kids together. She had been a stay at home wife for most of it but I encouraged her to get a part time day job 1 year ago since she had expressed interest given the kids are older. She ended up getting a PT job in the elementary school our youngest goes too. I work out of town 3 days a week so it gives her time to not be bored and she really enjoys it
9 months ago
Within a few months of working there she started playing PS5 games with “friends from work”… no big deal, that’s cool, that went on for a month or so and then one day she left her FB messenger open and I noticed messages between her and a previously unknown guy (Chris) that is a co worker at the school. The messages were fairly innocent but I was still curious so asked her and she said she plays games with him and his wife. I didn’t think much of it until a couple weeks later noticing that she was confiding in him about some personal (non relationship) problems at 2AM. I let her know that while I understand he’s married, I really wasn’t comfortable with her doing that and she said she agrees and she’ll stop messaging him but still wants to play games with him and his wife… I of course said that’s great
2 months ago
She continued playing these games at night with him and his “wife”. I did notice that she was paying extra attention to her looks before going to work, getting distant, shortening our conversations when I’d call her when I’m out of town, randomly buying a privacy screen for her phone, hiding out in the bathroom multiple times a day like she had some major poop issues… ya know, all the basic red flags. However, I convinced myself I was crazy.
At this point she had hung out with and developed a strong friendship with his wife.
1 month ago
One night we were hanging out chatting with each other and she said “hey, I have to go do something on the game real quick”, so I said cool, goodnight. I woke up at 3AM to see her on the game still giggling and chatting. I wasn’t mad, just annoyed, I asked her who she was on with and she just said friends.
She repeated this the very next night so at this point I’m very suspicious. I was a bit mad at this point and asked if there’s something going on with the random actions of hiding things on her phone, acting suspicious etc.
1 Week Ago
I came home from work about the same time she did and noticed she didn’t have her ring on. I asked why and she said the “ring gets caught in my hair”… to which I said “said no married woman ever”. One night I waited for her to fall asleep and went to go get her phone, I noticed she had Snapchat as a highly used app which I didn’t even know she had. I also saw that her top friends were Chris and his wife but all conversations were cleared from Chris.. weird.
The next night, I decided to go for it again and she woke up and immediately freaked out that I was looking for her phone. I left the room then said fuck it and came back, I asked for her phone and she gave it to me and noticed snap was deleted, I downloaded it and her login was still there. At this point I saw there were snaps from that day talking about their relationships with each other etc. I asked her to tell me what was going on and that I knew more than what she was telling me because I had seen previous snaps and that she should be honest (basically playing off that I knew more than I did).
She took the bait and said they made out twice in the past month but that was it. Also, he had left his wife a month ago but she swore she had nothing to do with it. Since then she’s been crying, showing remorse and that we should fix it. I also want to fix it but she isn’t wanting to quit her job where he works. Her best friend also doesn’t know any of this happened still (not sure if it’s her business or not since they’re supposedly split up). She swears up and down they never had sex
My question is am I stupid for wanting to take her back still? I obviously shouldn’t if she won’t leave her job. If she does leave her job should I take her back? I honestly thought our marriage was the happiest ever so was blind sided by this.
TL;DR wife of 15 years and 3 kids made out with a guy from her work twice, says nothing else happened, should I take her back.
23 comments
Facts that need to get out:
1. She’s the reason Chris left or got dumped by his wife.
2. They did have sex.
Why do I have to be the first person to comment that it’s never just a kiss. And she doesn’t want to quit her part time job that isn’t necessary for your finances. What are you doing?
She quits the job, ends all contact, and figures out in therapy how she ended up engaging in this heinous behavior or you don’t have a marriage. And to be honest she started this so quickly and had no remorse whatsoever for breaking up his marriage that there probably isn’t anything to save anyway.
I said this on a post earlier today. If there is to be any hope of reconciliation, the connection to the affair partner must be severed completely. Otherwise, there will be doubt. You know they’ll talk at work. That’s just the nature of working in the same place, especially with kids. Does that mean they will coordinate better ways to keep things secret? Does it mean they will rekindle? Does it mean they’ll start having “mandatory meetings” at school and instead be finding a broom closet to get busy in? All those thoughts and more will start bouncing around your head.
Reconciliation requires 100% buy in from both of you. If she’s not willing to fully and completely severe her relationship with the AP, then she’s not in it 100%.
Ultimately, she’s been cheating for months. Up until it got physical, it was an emotional affair where she was dedicating significant relationship energy to someone outside the marriage. To me, being unwilling to admit that would be another deal breaker. She also has to be willing to accept that others will eventually find out about her cheating. Actions have outcomes.
And finally, ask her this: if you hadn’t found the proof and confronted her, what was her ultimate plan? To keep you in the dark and work up to a full on physical affair, maybe leave you for the affair partner?
You might also want to check out the following subs:
r/survivinginfidelity/
r/SupportforBetrayed/
r/asoneafterinfidelity
Get yours, go find some young hottie and see how she likes it
Don’t be the guy that takes the cheating wife back over and over. That’s not she got drunk and slept with somebody or kissed someone and felt so guilty she told you immediately… that’s she made a whole ass boyfriend and was sneaking around hiding it. No, just don’t.
But you’re not crazy. You love her and are hurt.
She obviously doesn’t respect you. She takes her wedding ring off at work because it gets caught in her hair. Does it get caught in her hair at home? She cheated. She lied. She tried deleting evidence. Do you REALLY think they only “made out” a few times????? She won’t quit the job where he still works ? I don’t understand how people post on here asking if they should take them back. If you take her back, please don’t come back on here boo hooing about how she did you wrong again, and don’t know what to do. Be a man, get divorced.
She doesn’t want to stop the affair. She wants the comfort and security of marriage and excitement that comes with cheating. Your feelings don’t even register – she forcefully stops herself from thinking about how much pain you feel because of her choices. Because if she acknowledges this, she will feel the guilt.
Even if you force her to stop this now, she will just look for ways to hide it better from you. And you want to be her husband, not a jailer, right?
She has to *want* to drop that guy. And she has to agree for marriage counseling and explain what made her so hungry for attention and validation from a married man. She cheated for some reason, unless you fix the issue, it will keep happening.
Or better yet, consider divorce. ‘Once a cheater always a cheat’ tends to be right. Of course, everyone thinks their spouse is the one who “made a mistake” and won’t ever do it again. But if you stay with her, you’re showing that she can do whatever the hell she wants and still be forgiven. That makes dismissing your feelings even easier for her. She has to face consequence of her actions. So even if you don’t want to divorce, at least seperate. Show her how it feels to lose you because she obviously takes you for granted.
No your not stupid for wanting her back, she is your wife and you love her. However you need to leave her for your own strength and emotional well being.
If you want to work it out, suggest you find a good therapist to help mend the relationship. If she don’t agree to that, then she don’t care for the relationship any longer. Leaving her is the only way to make her come back in the end. If you don’t leave her she will never respect you.
Doesn’t really matter if they had sex or not. The damage is the same regardless. Sorry your experiencing this. It’s hard I’m sure.
If you want any chance at reconciliation she must leave the job. No contact is nonnegotiable.
Right now she is prioritizing the job and continuing contact over you. Set your boundary.
So her marriage is imploding and she doesn’t want to do anything to save it is basically what she’s saying. The first thing she should be doing is quitting but she’s not prepared to that’s literally all you need to know.
She most definitely is the reason Chris and his wife broke up. Maybe get in contact if you can, she may have more proof!?
But really you know what you need/want to do. If she was at all unhappy in your marriage she should have been speaking to you not looking outwards of it.
Please pack your stuff and leave her immediately! She doesn’t deserve you🥺💔 I would never do this to my husband!! Ever!!
yes you’re stupid. they 100 percent have had sex and she’ll likely doing it again.
if you take her back you might as well move Chris in. save money on hotel costs
Even if you do agree to reconcile, your new job description will be probation officer. Everything she will hence do will occupy larger chunks of your attention. That is guaranteed to age you faster and there are no guarantees that her shenanigans will be done.
>My question is am I stupid for wanting to take her back still?
*sigh* no, just human…
>Also, he had left his wife a month ago but she swore she had nothing to do with it.
No?? Talk to the guys wife, your wife cannot be trusted…
Look..
“Handling cheater 101” is simple… emotionally difficult, but in reality simple:
NO CONTACT TO AP!!! this means she quits her job..
>She continued playing these games at night with him and his “wife”
Youre sure his wife was playing?? And what games??
>She swears up and down they never had sex
Your wifes a cheater… cheaters lie… a lot… to hide what theyre doing, and when caught, to minimize the consequenses…
Weeks of lying… sneaking around… only kissing??
Children kiss, adults fuck… and working together they had plenty of opportunity…
Sorry…
My advice:
Talk to the other guys wife, tell her everything and ask what she knows..
Then confront your wife, tell her HIS wife told you everything, and ask if she has anything else to add to what shes already confessed…
Regardless if the above… its about trust…
Can.you ever trust your wife again???
Maybe ask her this?? “You cheated… lied… desttoyed my trust in you and our marriage…
How can you restore that trust?? And no – MC wont do it – at best it’ll enable me to live with what you did to me and us”
Me??
I wouldnt believe her… and i couldnt take back a wife that lied for weeks, planned the lies… and cheated…
Cheater is a deal breaker for me
1. Its never just a kiss, grow up
2. She doesnt respect you, grow a spine
Adults just don’t kiss. If she doesn’t want to quit her job drop a anonymous complaint to the school about his behavior. Also, see a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. You know you will never trust her again. Her words will be lies that you will have to decipher. Gather up all the evidence and if you can record her confession.
100% they’ve screwed. Anything a cheater says is minimising, multiple it by a factor of 10 to get anything remotely close to the truth. This is all trickle truth. Your wife is probably the reason the affair partners wife left. She has no respect for you you, the kids, family etc. No way you should take her back. She’s got no remorse, only remorse is she got caught. She will treat you like a doormat if you let her back. I think No Contact unless about your kids.
Bro, she’s having an affair.
Even if they’ve only made out twice, which considering his wife left him I seriously doubt, there is still the emotional side of it. It grew to a point that his wife clearly couldn’t forgive.
I’d find out what she knows, your wife should know her “friend” on socials.
Yes you are stupid if you take her back and if you believe she only kissed him twice. You know what you have to do. Handle your business.
I’m sorry, but adults who are sexually interested in each other generally don’t “make out twice”. She’s trickle truthing
Admit what you have to and deny what you can. This is the mindset of cheaters (and also criminals). There’s more she’s not telling you. She admitted to just enough to placate you. As the daughter of a serial cheater, I saw this type of behavior play out for decades.
You will never trust her again and be on edge everytime she is out of the house without you. Do you really want to live that life?
Once someone has cheated, that’s it. There isn’t a bigger disrespect in a relationship. Not cheating is the bare minimum and she’s decided to shit all over your marriage vows.
If she was truly trying to ‘fix’ things she would be grovelling and doing everything in her power for you to take her back. She’s essentially giving you the middle finger by not cutting this dude out of her life.
Don’t become a doormat.