Advice needed for aunt’s relationship
Posting on behalf of my aunt who doesn’t have Reddit but needs some validation for a relationship issue she is currently experiencing.
Aunt divorced her first husband a few years ago and recently met a new man at the start of 2022, and married that summer after 6 months.
Since they have married, his alcoholism and narcissism has become more and more apparent, to the extent that she has felt the need to document the many incidents that this has caused, from mild verbal abuse to one occasion of laying hands on her.
She has set up a safe word with her son in case she feels like she needs to be rescued from a situation involving him, and has resorted to faking drinking alcohol in his company to keep him company (she regularly pours drinks away in the sink when he isn’t looking).
She has decided that the relationship is no longer working but is unsure if she should continue to tolerate his behaviour to try and make things work; the rest of our family thinks she needs to leave this relationship immediately – does Reddit agree?
7 comments
She should leave as soon as she safely can.
She needs to leave. I’m sober. He would have to really want to stop and even then, he’s put his hands on her. And she has a safe word with her son? That’s not okay. Of course you don’t tolerate this behavior and it takes two to make it work. She doesn’t have that. She needs to leave because it will get worse and it’s already terrible. What an awful way to live and to put that burden on her son? He’s waiting on the message that she needs rescuing? She also needs to get therapy because she doesn’t know how unacceptable and unsafe this is.
She should absolutely leave BUT she should first contact a domestic violence organization to help her create a safety plan to leave. Its not uncommon for abusers to escalate when their victims try to leave. She should continue acting as though everything is normal until she’s ready and able to put that plan into motion. If she has access, therapy would also be beneficial
I’m in recovery, so is my wife. Unless he slipped into alcoholism recently (which is possible), he must not have a desire to improve at his age.
Narcissists and many other unhealthy types can keep a mask up for only so long. His dropped quickly, also not a good sign.
I’m also a personal believer in drinking revealing true personality flaws that a person would otherwise keep control over. Drinking doesn’t *create* a violent personality, it *reveals* one. I was upwards of 20 drinks a day for most of my 20s and never got aggressive or laid my hands on anyone – a person who does that in *any* context is **not** someone to be forgiven. Cut and run.
Let’s sum things up.
1-Your Aunt felt compelled to document various incidents.
2-HE PUT HIS HANDS ON HER
3-She feels the need to have a ‘safe word’.
4-She has decided the relationship is not working.
I agree with what user aside suggested … contact a domestic violence org first. They will help with a safety plan. Narcissists are notoriously difficult to deal with. Add alcoholism to that and it’s a ticking time bomb.
Abuse Mental, Emotional, Verbal or Physical NEVER gets better. It always gets worse. Your Aunt needs to develop a plan this week. Do NOT wait. It isn’t safe.
She absolutely needs to leave. This is an incredibly unsafe situation for her and she deserves to not live her life in a constant state of “alert” its going to break her down
Please help Aunt leave now!