My bf (34m) and I (32f) have been dating for 5 years. We have known each other for 10 years. We have 2 kids and just bought a new house. On the outside, everything looks like a dream. But somethings just not right. I feel like we have the perfect relationship minus this 1 big issue. We hardly have fights. We don’t argue over money. We can talk to each other when we feel frustrated. I consider him my best friend. The problem is I feel like I have the milk away for free. When I talk to him about getting engaged, he says he wants to wait until our toddlers are much older. I think that’s unfair. I regret giving him everything before getting married but I obviously can’t take a step back now. What do I do now? Do I just sit in frustration that he’s not ready to marry me even though we already live like a married couple? Talking to him about this didn’t make a difference. He’s still going to wait at least 3 more years which means I will most likely be dating for 10 years and have kids in elementary school before we get married.
45 comments
Why does he want to wait until they are older? Have you directly asked him to marry you?
What does he think would change being married? What do you? What does he see being different in 3 years that would make getting married the right choice then?
A mortgage and kids are much more of a financial/legal entanglement than a marriage license so on the surface his position sounds silly, but you need to have a conversation to better understand what’s going on in his mind. A couples counselor might help mediate the discussion if you think a neutral third party could help keep emotions from running high.
Telling him he is missing out on huge tax breaks. 😀
I wonder one thing, why didn’t you give your children YOUR last name if he wasnt willing to get married ?
Nope. You both need the legal protection that marriage will give you. This is non-negotiable.
This is one of those “if he wanted to he would” situations.
Is the house in both your names?
Are you financially independent from him? If the worst were to happen, what financial protections do you and your children have? Essentially, he has no obligation to you or your children beyond child support if you two broke up. Where does that leave you? You need a marriage license and prenuptial agreement OR a cohabitation/coparenting contract. Pick one of these protections.
Aside from the tax break there is nothing in this situation that would make him want to marry at this point. He has the house, kids, wife experience without having to give up half his stuff if things go wrong. You have made it easy for him to not get married.
INFO: Is he opposed to legally marrying and celebrating when your kids are older? 5 year anniversary? Old enough to be memorable!
Compromise exists and marriage is a *’2 yes, 1 no’* kind of thing. I’d be more concerned with his willingness to find compromise.
Also the cow analogy only applies if you knew there were things that you wanted, yet you compromised them for him/the life y’all have built. That’s a choice. **You’re electing to soften your boundaries, while he is not.** That isn’t something that he can, or should, be convinced to do. Boundaries are for us to uphold, and if people can either meet them or not, but it’s up to us to respect and tend to.
I’m very sorry, because this is very emotional and hurtful. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? It’s ok to be generally happy, while simultaneously being sad about this. You need to think really deeply about your boundaries, how you hold firm to them, and how to communicate them with him.
I think up to the point you bought the house, you could have walked away from him – but now you’re well and truly locked in, so all threats of breaking up unless he puts a ring on it will seem pretty empty. Not much to be done now, except wait and hope. In your place, I would at least have given the kids my last name.
I know it’s too late now, but why wouldn’t you get married before having kids? Or get married when you were pregnant? At the very least, why have kid #2 if you’re still not married?
OP he doesn’t want to marry you. If he wanted to, he would have.
If he says another 3 years then asking him is not going to do any good..
At the moment he has no reason to get married.. you just keep waiting while he calls all the shots..
You have to be willing to give final ultimatum and be prepared to follow through
Red flags for sure, I’d be very worried. That makes no sense, why does your toddlers being older have anything to do with your marriage status, if anything it would financially beneficial. Can I ask why you chose to have children with a man you’re not married to or buy a house? No judgement I’m curious why some people chose this. Best of luck!
He has you where he wants you: in a barely tolerable state of unhappiness and insecurity. You aren’t happy, but he feels in control.
OP, this man does not actually love you. If he did, he would want you to be happy and he just does not care.
Not wanting to get married is definitely a valid dealbreaker. However, if it was gonna be a dealbreaker it should’ve been years ago in my opinion. Doesn’t mean it’s your fault, I just understand his confusion over why it’s such a thing now. I don’t think it’s worth leaving the relationship over but def think couples counseling is a solid idea.
Hey, could he ALREADY be married?
I don’t think a proposal from you would be well received. If he wanted he would. You can certainly still do it, but you might want to weigh the possible emotional downfall. You can’t make him do what he does not want to do. You removed any incentives by giving him two children and everything else without putting a ring on it.
> I feel like we have the perfect relationship minus this 1 big issue
If this is really true, then to him, there’s absolutely no reason to get married. He’s already getting everything he wants.
Do you know why he wants to wait?
You bought a house together, you have kids together, if you’re married tomorrow, I don’t see any changes to your lifestyle, honestly.
If he’s got anxiety about the wedding or paying for wedding plus honeymoon, y’all can just elope at the courthouse and save up for the wedding reception (in 2-3 years) plus ‘honeymoon’ later on.
Also, maybe consider proposing to him. If you think he does want to get married to you.
In fact, in some countries (Idk your country), you may get tax break or some advantage tax-wise (depending on your situation of course) if you’re married. Idk how the health insurance works where you’re at, where I’m at, I guess you can be on each other’s health insurance, you’re each other’s next of kin, etc. So there are positives in getting married (Beside the romantic connotation).
My spouse and I were together 5 years before we got married and had bought a house already. He won me over with the “We aren’t getting any younger and getting married makes transfer of assets in the event of a death easier.”
Otherwise, I would have been happy to just live together and build a life without the government being involved.
Try using logical arguments for why it’s the best decision given you have a house and kids.
Out of curiosity: are you both working? does he have financial assets he’s concerned about in the event of a split?
If he wanted to marry you he would have already. He’s gonna keep moving the goal posts until you give up on getting married or you end the relationship.
Two choices:
1) stay and deal
2) leave
You can’t make him marry you and you wouldn’t want that anyway. Maybe get to the bottom of what is holding him back.
Are you on the mortgage/deed for the house? This is going to be a huge mess to untangle since you’re not married, which is why people recommend unmarried couples not make huge life-altering purchases that take decades to pay off.
You’ve given him no incentive to do so. You caved to his every whim.
I would be in couples counseling territory before we live separately and have to divide assets while not married!
PSA, never ever purchase property with someone you are not married to. If you do, consult a lawyer to make sure you are safe!
Obviously he’s felt this way about marriage prior to y’all having kids so you either A) ignored it and hope he’d change his mind or B) didn’t care then but you do now. Either way, you made this bed, now you have to figure you’re shit out.
We’ll make marriage the more attractive option . Explain you need to meet with lawyers to become each others power of attorney for financial matters and one for medical decisions. You will need to see a real estate attorney to draw up a contract around ownership of the house and property decisions. You will need to see a family law attorney to draw up agreements regarding paying for the children expenses and for custody on the death or incapacity of one or the other of you and support payments should either of you walk away. Basically you want the legal protections that you would be entitled to if you were married. Protect yourself, get the legal protections either by contract or marriage.
You are best friends, with children and a home. I agree with your statement of giving the milk away for free. You keep saying I want to get married, you gave your children his last name, thinking he would give it to you, and he didn’t, he hands out excuses. An ultimatum wouldn’t do anything good. If you want marriage, find someone who wants it too, or stay the girlfriend.
You bought a house and then decided marriage was important?
Why in the world must you take 2 years to plan a wedding?
You gave that man everything. Why would he marry you at this point?
what does your children being older improve? What is he even talking about? What a stupid excuse.
He probably thinks he’s gotten everything already that most other men get after marriage. Which to be honest he has. You made a lot of foolish decisions for someone who knew what they wanted.
What does he gain by marrying you now? If you were to pitch it to him, how would you do it? Maybe make a list to see if that will make change his mind. But keep in mind he probably has a list of cons.
Why in the WORLD do women do all the heavy lifting of the pregnancy, and then give the kids the name of some clown who won’t even marry them?????
He doesn’t want to marry you and he won’t marry you, deal w that as you wish
>hear
here*
Thats a big regret
Why do you want to marry a flaky dude who can’t make up his mind? That would be enough to give *me* major pause on wanting to marry *him*. You say your relationship is good otherwise. Is there any major rush if you feel like you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person anyway? And if this makes you unsure about him in any way, maybe it’s a good thing you *aren’t* married.
You willingly had 2 kids with a guy with no commitment. Why would he. He has his cake and gets to eat it too. Free milk, no cost. Now you have 2 kids with a guy you don’t know if he will ever commit legally. Maybe make the best of it for your two kids.
Have you made it clear that this is very important to you? Have you talked about what getting married means to you? Have you talked about how you have been feeling lately because you are not married? Have you talked about what your expectations and hopes are for getting engaged and married?
More importantly, have you set up all of the appropriate legal documentation for if either of you has a serious injury, illness or dies? What if one of you was in a serious car accident, who is the legal next of kin? What if you dropped dead?
Not being married is all fine and dandy until his mother barrs you from the hospital, inherits the life insurance, half the house and makes you and your children fucking homeless. Oh and sues for custody of your children.
Marriage protects your family when shit hits the fan.
In this situation he is holding all the cards. This is extremely unfair to you. You have expressed to him that this is upsetting to you, and he is okay with that. I do not understand why women sit back and let this happen. What if 3 years passes by and he does not propose? What is your plan?
Eta: If it was me I would sit him down and tell him that this frustration is starting to fester. Get a black and white answer about why he is dragging this out. Go from there.
Did you ask him speficially why he thinks it’s better to get married after your kids are a bit more grown? Like, does he want them to witness the spectacle? It sounds like he’s keeping one foot out the door in case he actually doesn’t want to commit, but that’s a conclusion only you can confirm once you talk to him about his reasons. If it’s something bs, I think that’s exactly what it is. If it’s something psychological, you can try couple’s therapy
Change your kids last names until he marries you. They’re young enough that it won’t matter yet
Personally and I don’t mean this to be mean but if he wanted to he would. He has a built in wife but your his girlfriend not his wife. This scenario would be ok if you didn’t want to get married but you do. Me personally couldn’t pay me to get married.
I think you need to figure out why you want to be married. What do you think it will change? If you have the perfect relationship as you say then don’t torpedo it just to be married. But, I’d ask your boyfriend why he wants to wait until your children are older. And if he just says he wants to wait what will be the end date on your part that you say enough? I’d either be prepared to deal with it and not get married or leave and find someone who does. I’d speak to a therapist to see which side you’d align with more. But, don’t be surprised if you leave if he marries someone else quickly. Because life is funny that way and it sucks but it’s more frequent than you think.
I don’t think you need to justify why you want to be married. Marriage is important to some people. It’s important to me and it was important to my husband too. We have two kids and a house. I like being married. So what if he already has the milk or whatever that expression says. Lots of men get married because they want to be married or maybe it doesn’t matter that much to them but it matters to the person they love so they get married. Did his parents have a bitter divorce or something? Is he just not 100 percent sure about your relationship? There has to be an actual reason why he doesn’t want to. He needs to figure it out and be honest with you so you can decide if you want to stay in this relationship.
There are reasons to marry.
You mentioned home ownership. If he passed, fortunately for you (sorta) his direct inheritors are the kids. BUT because you own half the home, you get to have the house reassessed and pay additional property taxes forever. Worse yet, there may be family members of his who will fight you to take his share of it from you. I’ve seen it happen. Their reasoning is he didn’t care enough to marry you so you shouldn’t get anything of his. It’s ours. If you were married and held as community property, it would pass to you without getting taxed out of it. He would enjoy the same protections.
Your income tax would go down. Married filing jointly is taxed at a lower rate.
If say he got into an accident and couldn’t speak for himself, YOU would be kept out of the hospital. You aren’t family.
Apparently, he believes his wants are the only ones that matter. Your relationship may otherwise be good, but there’s something holding him back.
Well considering you have kids and a home together already I don’t know what’s holding him back if he doesn’t know by now if he wants to marry you then that means he’s not going to marry you. He’s just using the kids as an excuse at the present time. Why does it matter if they’re older? Did he give you a reason or something that makes sense, not that I think anything will make sense in this case. Just in terms of Financial Security and Social Security benefits of the for the kids if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I mean otherwise they get nothing I think I really don’t know. you would get nothing at least I know that cuz you’re not married. The kids would probably still get benefits but you’d be there guardian or whatever in that situation. You could give him an ultimatum and then be prepared to act on it tell him you want to be engaged in the next year and you want to be married within a year after that so in 2 years from now you want to be married if he refuses then you separate. Kick him out of the house or you grab the kids and go since you make more money let him sink or swim and make the mortgage payments on his own and then contact the lawyer and get whatever money you put into that house back if you do split up. So that’s where you stand right now stay where things are and wait another 5 years before he’ll Dane to marry you or give him an ultimatum and speed up the timeline a bit. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to get married then what he’s saying is he doesn’t want to marry you. So listen to what he says and definitely sit down and have a much more serious talk about the situation.