hey all. I’ve been having this problem pretty much constantly my whole life. I tend to have a pretty flat affect and my voice carries (I also have little control over my volume and can accidentally be too loud easily). I don’t have any clue what a “rude” voice sounds like but even when I think I’m sounding polite and genuine I often get told I’m being rude or mean.
This causes so many problems with customers, peers, people in marching band, and authority figures and I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t really know what I’m doing that’s rude but I don’t want to be rude…people just always tell me I am.
What can I do to remedy this?
2 comments
I doubt you’re rude. You’re probably just blunt. Most people interpret bluntness as rudeness. Even if you don’t feel like you can control your tone, you can change the way you say things.
It’s unfortunate, but society doesn’t value genuineness. You’ve got to make your words friendlier and probably less direct.
For instance, if you wanted to borrow a coworker’s stapler. It makes sense to walk up and just say “Can I use your stapler?”. But really, the socially acceptable option would be something like “Hey Alex, would it be ok if I borrow your stapler for a few minutes?”.
Even though these two sentences are both asking the same question, one could be interpreted as blunt and the other as polite.
There are probably parts of social language and subtlety that you just haven’t picked up on. All you need to do is find out the right way to say things. It’s a skill that you can learn and get better at. If you have a friend who you trust, you could ask them for advice. They can tell you how your words and actions are interpreted by others. They can also give you advice on different ways of saying things.
If you have trouble recognizing tone and the social cues around this, you might want to look into getting evaluated for some kind of neurodivergence. If you can put a name onto the problem it often helps if only because you can inform people “I’m not intentionally being rude, I’m on the spectrum” or whatever it is, if anything.
If you are still in school, this could actually also be really important to get accommodations that you may not realize you could use. Like I didn’t realize my anxiety around tests was actually way above the norm, I thought everyone felt like they were dying when they took tests. But I got an accommodation to take tests in a room by myself and get extra time and it made a huge difference. I’m not saying this is your problem, just that the issue you’ve noticed (the social issue) may be interconnected to other issues you’ve never quite put your finger on before. You may benefit from something like occupational therapy but not realize it, like I didn’t realize I could benefit from test taking accommodations.
If that isn’t what’s going on and you are neurotypical, with no underlying issues, there are actually class-type things you can take that teach social skills and recognizing social cues. I have no idea how effective they are though, I’ve just seen them online.
But basically pay attention to tone more, because it sounds like that’s what the problem is, more than the actual words you’re saying.