For my whole life, friends just seemed to be mostly a burden to me. They always ignored me and, especially later in high school, just flat-out stopped inviting me to most things. Now that I’m in college, I’ve tried making new friends but they didn’t last but 3 weeks before kicking me out of their group chats (I kind of got the vibe that they didn’t really like me from the start). I don’t know why, but I’ve kind of always been treated like crap by people. I feel like I’m a good friend, I’m there if/when people need me and I try to be uplifting but it feels as if none of it matters. It’s gotten so bad that I just don’t have the mental energy to even try and make new friends and I just want to be left alone.
However, a part of me still longs for a connection of some kind, which is the part that is eating at me, because I have this notion that deep down any “friends” I make won’t amount to anything and they’ll end up abandoning me and it’ll all have been a waste of time yet I still want them.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being alone all the damn time yet I cherish my alone time and don’t want the hassle that other people bring.