This one’s a bit of a long story, but I want to include details to give it justice. I’m a little bit surprised at myself for even seriously considering reconciling after how messy the breakup was, but I figured I might as well give it some thought.
Me and my ex dated for 2 years and had a very happy, functional relationship. We communicated, never fought, and were very much in love. She has aways struggled with depression and finding her identity, and I have always done my best to be supportive.
Then one day, out of nowhere, she ends things. The reason she gave was that she is polyamorous and wants to try things with new people, and generally wants to reinvent herself outside of the relationship. This has never come up before, so I am shocked and hurt. A month later, I find out that she is in a relationship with a guy she was friends with while we were together, and I feel betrayed, so I decided to go completely no contact.
A few months after that, she contacts me and I learn some things. I learn that her relationship with this other guy was abusive and largely non consensual, and that he was taking advantage of her post-breakup vulnerability to manipulate her. I learn that following this abuse, her mental health plummeted, and she dropped out of school and spent some time in a mental hospital. I basically see her traumatized and at her absolute lowest. She asks for me back and I say no, knowing that a relationship would be a terrible idea given her condition. I enforce no-contact again.
It’s now been about a year since we broke up, and about 8 months since that last meeting. We recently ran into each other and had a heart-to-heart. She’s doing a lot better mentally— she’s managing her panic attacks, improving her relationship with herself, and going back to school. Time and therapy has allows her to make some realizations. She admits that the reason for the breakup was bullshit, and that she invented a reason to break up in an act of self-sabotage. She realizes that she’s been pretending to be a person she’s not. She says that being totally alone forced her to finally take care of herself and improve her mental health. She apologizes profusely.
I was left shocked at the progress she had made with her mental health. I had mostly discounted the possibility of ever getting back together, but now I’m not so sure. Is it a terrible idea?
TL;DR: Girlfriend of two years dumped me out of nowhere, citing bullshit reasons. After a year of no contact, it’s clear that the real reason behind the breakup was mental illness, and her mental health has improved.
3 comments
If YOU want to, OP- dont let anyone stop you.
its HARD getting back with your ex- almost everyone on both sides will give you both shit for it for years to come. And almost everyone on reddit lol. And they would not be wrong to question the wisdom of getting back with your ex- its generally a bad idea. This is known.
That said: only ***you*** know in your heart if this woman is worth all of that to you. So dont let anyone else stop you if you want to pursue this- only YOU know if this is something YOU wanna do.
FWIW: my wife was the one that got away. I fucked that up BIG time. And i was cruel and merciless when I broke up with her, i was… despicable. Then I spent 10 years crying into my beer, wading through a dull endless parade of human garbage, thinking only of her and how horribly i fucked that up. I realized the way things were going, She was going to be my last thought on my deathbed even if it were 50 years later. So I Showed up one night on her doorstep- drunk and determined like john cusack with the boom box in the rain- told her its always been her and it always would be and i had to try just in case she felt the same way. Told her I had grown up, and if she would let me, I would spend every day for the rest of my life happily proving that to her, over and over again until I died.
Welp- I won the lotto. She DID feel the same way. She had been crying too for over a decade. She invited me in. We both took the week OFF to basically marathon sex and talk and eat and catch up for a week. Within a month she had quit her job to come live with me. A year later we were married.
And ***Everyone*** Gave us shit for that. On both sides. for Years. Didnt blame them. How could I?
Anyway; 10 years and 2 beautiful funny weird smart as heck kids later Im still half convinced this is some dream. I wake up in our adorable house in the suburbs every morning and I cherish the shit out of her, and the second chance she gave me- every. single. hour. of. every. day. Only Death will stop me. I am *devoted* to her.
Middle age has long come for our waist lines and peppered our hair with grey- and i still want to tear her clothes off and ravish her on the coffee table every time I look at her. I am still so sorry for breaking her heart 20 years ago that i wipe away tears just thinking about it. Forgiven as I am, I will continue to be passionately sorry- and grateful- to the end of my days.
My point is: Only YOU know if your ex is worth a shot. Haters gonna hate regardless. Aint no one like to see you back with the person who broke your heart, and exes are generally your ex for a lot of good reasons. I know what it feels like to be a reformed and remorseful living pile of very good reasons to stay away.
Only YOU know if you wanna do this. And if you do? hey. God bless. I hope she cherishes your absolute BRAINS out. And if not? No one would blame you.
She isnt entitled to a second chance OP. Thats a gift that you can give her or not give her. You get to decide.
Would it haunt you to your death bed if you *didnt* give her a chance?
Thats where I would start, if I were you. Answer that one question very honestly and you’ll know what you have to do.
TLDR: I am my beloved wife’s adoring spouse of many years. I am the love of her life, and she is mine. I am also her most horrible asshole ex.
I honestly think its a bad idea. From a hard cut perspective, she left you for a bs reason. People who self sabotage a perf relo is not worth pursuing, just move on – from exp
Mental health issues are life long. They rear their ugly heads at anytime, anyplace and for no logical reason. Evaluate whether you are committed to endure this for the long haul or if it’s better to just walk away. Ask her the important questions and listen to the answers reading between the lines ie facial expressions and body language. Your answers are there if your eyes and ears are open and tuned in.