My partner (31M) and I (30F) have been together for 5 years and for the last 2 years, have explored buying a house together. Some months back we finally started on the househunting journey and it has been hard. There hasn’t been a single house we’ve viewed alone as a couple. I have a pretty good relationship with his family but as this was our first home together, I thought it would be just us. However he frequently asks his parents to come along with us and they often voice strong opinions about everything from location to condition. While I’ve been frustrated and overwhelmed by all this along the way (it’s not them buying the house….), I try to remember that they mean well. I did finally voice my displeasure when he extended the invite to his siblings as well but I only found out when we reached the location. Thankfully it turned out well as one of them was previously in the property industry and offered some good tips. My parents also came for a viewing nearby but have generally stayed out of the discussions and their stance is that we should just find something that makes us happy.
Amidst all this, he constantly brings up advice from a colleague, T, whom I’ve never met, about furniture layouts, fengshui (Chinese geomancy) or house purchase processes. She has experience in neither, so we take this with a pinch of salt (or so I thought) and move along.
Things blew up when we finally found a place we both liked and wanted to secure it. We both checked in a few times with each other to make sure we were on the same page since this was of course a huge decision and after a lengthy discussion, we agreed on a price we could comfortably afford (I crunched the numbers till 3am to be doubly sure) and the next day we headed over for a final viewing and to make our offer. When we met however, he immediately told me how he had a conversation with T, showed her all our research, and T felt we were rushing into it, etc etc. At this point we had shortlisted over 30 listings, eliminated about 20 for various reasons (budget, condition etc.), viewed 8… But more importantly, why does it matter what she thinks? After the viewing, he said T had advised that we offer an amount significantly lower than what we agreed upon and also the competing bid, which would mean we were likely to not secure the house. But “T said it’s ok even if we don’t secure this, there will be others out there” when the night before we had a whole conversation around how we were fast running out of options in the area we were looking at, and we liked this enough to commit. So I asked if these were his own thoughts or if they were T’s, because I would have been happy to continue house hunting if he felt the need to, but in that moment I couldn’t understand why someone who wasn’t even family would have this much sway. We parted ways not being able to agree on the final price.
That night, I blew up over text and told him how overwhelming the whole process has been with constant input from his family, and even now from a colleague, that even though I was forking out 65% of the total cost my voice held 10% value, and perhaps we needed to put this whole thing on hold until we could talk. His response was this was all “an outburst of fuckery”, “fuck your 10%”, that I was trying to blame his family (not sure what specifically he thought I was blaming them for), and so we weren’t compatible. I tried to explain that I did value their input but it really has been overwhelming to hear from them at every stage, and if we really wanted proper insights it should be someone with industry experience or just experience in general, and most certainly not someone who wasn’t even family who hasn’t even bought a house before? Ultimately finished with, if it’s going to be our house, it should be our final decision, not everybody else’s. (Would say I was coherent but not calm in these texts – think “you might as well buy a house with T if her opinion means more”.) He has blueticked me and hasn’t responded for an entire week – except a sarcastic thumbs up. I’m starting to think I’m being unreasonable and he might really just be looking for more advice to make a well-rounded decision and maybe feels like I disregarded his efforts? Or for whatever reason thinks I’m hating on his family even though we’re on great terms. And also I blew up over text instead of having a conversation in person. Should I be broaching another conversation?
15 comments
I would not buy a house with him, if this is how he is and esp with the stonewalling.
I am curious tho, do you two see each other in person? Why are these convos over text and that’s it for a whole week?
Your house just killed your relationship.
You know that, right?
It sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t serious.
I don’t know why anybody would ever approach looking at homes without a buyer’s agent. It makes no sense to NOT involve a professional for what would very likely be the most expensive asset in your life.
Imagine giving birth and rather than involving a doctor he brought along a clown, a barista from starbucks, and some colleague that has never given birth.
That’s what you guys are doing.
Maybe buy your own home/condo.
I think you really messed up. You alienated his parents for trying to help. I understand their opinions were frustrating you, but think of it more along the lines of them pointing things out rather than wanting it to suit their requirements.
You attacked his colleague because your jealous. That’s really what your problem is with T. If it was a guy, you wouldn’t have thrown him at your boyfriend like you did. T might not be a professional in title. But everything she said and RECOMMENDED was true. In other words, she wasn’t wrong.
Lastly, the whole buying a house that was going to be a new step and future for the two of you became a house that was 65% yours and whatever % his. If I were him, I wouldn’t want to get a house with you either. I’d be imagining the percentages being thrown in my face later on down the road. OUR house became YOUR house the second you said it.
Aside from your relationship issues, I agree that you two should be patient and wait. There will be more listings opening up every week. The last thing you want to do is have buying a house feel forced. And remember, a House is a physical location with a structure built on it. A Home is a feeling you get when you walk through the front door. Make sure your buying something that feels like a Home.
You have not seen each other for a week are you in a real relationship or just a LDR?
If he spends every day with his co-worker and you are a virtual strangers why would you buy a house together?
Look, I feel he should’ve told you about who invited to the viewings beforehand, but I find your reaction quite petty. Buying a home benefits from many eyes and thought processes, as you learned from one of the siblings. Until then, I was with him.
The character T greatly changed my point of view. She’s a walking, talking red flag. Not only because she speaks about something she doesn’t know about, your partner involves her unnecessarily, but she things it’s too soon 🚨🚩
Is this a house he intends living in with T or will she just visit while you are working ?
Oh damn. No no no. Please pump the breaks. Don’t buy a house with this man. Don’t buy a house with any man you haven’t lived with and where you’re providing 60% of the money and are just one of ten people having an opinion.
Based on this situation alone I would dump this guy and buy the house myself.
Don’t buy a house with this asshole.
You’re not being unreasonable for being upset at T and him deciding the ‘next move’ after you and he have decided on what to do. My first thinking is, either T has THAT huge of a sway in his opinion (so he treasures T’s opinion above yours) OR your (ex?) partner is not ready to jump in and be a homeowner (with you).
Are you ready to buy a house? If yes, then you should just get a house on your own. And not buy anything with him. Just enjoy being a homeowner alone.
Also: Is this normal for you two to not talk for a long time? I almost think that it’s over (the relationship).
I understand that buying a house is stressful. My husband is similar to your ‘ex?’ partner as in, he always asks his parents’ opinion and I don’t mind this at all actually. Since, in the end, he would look to me when making his decision, vice versa. My opinion (as well as his) is the most important. Not some external party’s.
He told you exactly what he felt. He said “we’re not compatible, my friend thinks for rushing into this” clearly he sabotaging it and you guys probably aren’t going to buy a house together so you might as well just buy one on your own.
This man does not want to buy a house with you. Period.
Have some dignity and walk away.
I guarantee he’s in a relationship with T within a month.
He does not want a house with you, does not respect you and has not reached out to fix anything. Pretty sure this relationship is over, wouldn’t be surprised to find him dating T soon.
She sounds like she’s just his colleague. And he’s excited about buying a house with his partner and shared that excitement with people at work. There wouldn’t be a problem if T was a male.
Throwing out comments like “maybe T can go with you” while fighting through text messaging is obviously not the best way to handle this. OP hasn’t said that this T has been a problem or issue in the past. But she did say she was a colleague of his. Doesn’t sound threatening. There are a lot of people giving them opinions/advice.
All the signs point there isn’t a future with this guy and you still keep pushing for a house that you will up splitting and getting lawyers involved. Do not play married when you are not. He is involved with his coworker. He is getting closer to her and keeping his distance with you. He backed off because what you said was true. He is looking for something she wants not what you want. He sees his future with her not you and you are being clueless.