Hey all I was hoping someone might have some constructive advice on how to talk to my partner about this:
Basically my partner (36f) and I (35m) have been going out for almost 4 years and will talk about most decisions that affect us both, whether it be a post argument make up or a decision over whether or not to buy something/travel somewhere on holiday we always talk it out, which on one hand is great that we communicate etc..
However every single time we talk about something that stresses her my partner will ring her Dad or Mum and have the exact same conversation with them and then come back to me with, “Well my dad/mum said this here is the case” and her opinion will have done a total 180 degree flip and everything we had spoken about previously will be out the window.I don’t have any issue with parents giving periodic advice/support but the number of times this happens is excessive to the point I fear what will happen when they’re both gone. Not to mention I feel both constantly overruled and vaguely like I’m in a relationship with her parents by proxy which is weird as we’re both in our mid 30s and should be too old for this.
In addition this is frikkin exhausting. We often end up discussing everything twice to three times and its making me not want to discuss anything important with her as anything that gets phoned in to her parents inevitably either gets blown out of proportion or goes through some kind of weird parental approval process which as a pretty private person I don’t really appreciate.
The last straw for this has been recently as we’ve just spent 4 months going through a house buy process only for this to happen again the day before we close the sale with a 15k discount because her dad feels like 15k is too little to get off and has told her to go back to the estate agent with a final “give us 20k or we walk ultimatum” I did try argue against this in person and herself and her parents eventually agreed that 20k would most likely end up in a lost sale. Roll around today and I get a phone call at lunch by a very upset partner and her mum on speaker to find that they’d given the estate agent the ultimatum as her dad had put his foot down. This has resulted in us losing the house, as well as over 1.5k worth of survey fees and probably the goodwill of the builder that helped us survey and price up for renovation post sale.At this point I feel like I need to raise it with her as a serious relationship issue but I’m not sure how to go about it without resulting in her calling them for their opinion and destroying any relationship I have them and most likely my relationship with her.
\—\*\*TL;DR;\*\* : My girlfriend consults her parents for any and all decisions that she gets stressed over resulting in multiple conversations about the same thing and leaving me both frustrated and the feeling I’m in a relationship with her parents by proxy. Advice needed!
15 comments
You don’t. She is allowed to get advice from people she trusts.
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Dude she’s already married to her parents. What they think and feel will always be more important to her and she continues to show you that. Your MIL and FIL should’ve never spoken to anyone about the house, let alone put their foot down about anything. She’s in her mid-30s and let’s mommy and daddy call all the shots in her life and yours by extension. Is this really how you want to live until they die? Maybe it’s better to cut now before you actually buy a house together.
As others have said, she’s free to get advice from whoever she wants. However in the case of the house, the big problem wasn’t her changing her mind, it was her going behind your back and talking to the agent. I would consider that pretty unforgivable. You two are supposed to be a team in this relationship. Huge financial decisions need to be agreed on by both of you. She doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions because her dad has an opinion.
If you don’t have trust and communication in a relationship, then you’re doomed to fail. I’d put any further house hunting on hold until this is resolved.
The incident with the house is a huge betrayal. Frankly you cannot trust your GF’s word. Even after the issue was discussed (with her parents as well!) and a course of action settled on, they went behind your back and did the opposite of what had been discussed and decided against.
I don’t think your GF is ever going to stop valuing her parents’ opinions over yours. This may be the last straw for you. Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise that the house fell through.
OP, this just sorta seems like who she is. I have a friend whose in their late 20s. They can’t make any major decisions by themselves. It’s super weird. But after knowing them and their family for a few years, it’s really obvious that this is because their parents have worked to protect them from any major consequences of poor planning (i.e. have planned things for them). So I think my friend lacks the skills and confidence to plan and execute without first filtering it through *someone*.
Now my friend isn’t cruel. They’re not reckless, they’re not selfish, etc. As far as flaws go, this is not the worst one a person can have. Especially to have in a friend. At worst, it can be a tad annoying at times because we (our friend group) just want them to act grown every now and then. But… yah, I would never date them.
Everyone has flaws. This is her flaw. It likely will not change. Are you good with that?
I see it as a simple math problem 3 is more than 1. It needs to stop. Or maybe you enlist 4 friends to be your team and then it is 3 against 5.
She needs to be married to you or stay in her childhood relationship with her parents. You are being ill used.
You dodged a bullet! Your partner is 36 she is not going to change.
The universe is telling you get out
Losing the house was the best thing that could happen.
If you stay you will be hurting yourself, your girlfriend does not respect you
This is bigger than outsourcing- they completely overruled your decision and went behind your back.
She believes her father’s opinion matters more and is important than yours. I suspect given the “foot down” line so does her mother, but could be wrong.
So you really need to give her the repercussions of her decisions – tell her to front the cost of lost fees out of her personal budget as she made an expensive mistake. Tell her she broke your trust and you expect her to seek advice from whomever she likes, however you want her to act like an adult and a peer int hat process
My man, you are SO FORTUNATE the house sale fell through. Bullet dodged like Neo.
She will NEVER stop doing this.
You do need to raise it with her, and tell her how you feel. She is 36 and been doing this all her life. I highly doubt it is going to change but talking about it, talking it out, hopefully coming to some understanding is not a bad thing.
Going behind my back to torpedo a deal you had both agreed on would have been beyond the last straw to end this relationship for me. I don’t know what you hope to achieve here, honestly. You’ve been dating for 4 years, have discussed this with her already. She still runs to mommy and daddy. I don’t know why you think saying it to her in a specially packaged way will get her to behave like a partner and not an extension of her parents.
I would use this specific example with the house to talk to her about the whole dynamic. Whether or not you talk to her about it, this is frustrating you and making you feel marginalized in your own relationship. It will destroy your relationship if you leave it unchecked, so there’s no point worrying that talking to her about it will destroy the relationship.
Here is how I would start the conversation:
“GF, this whole thing with the house has made me realize that there is a pattern in our relationship where, after you and I agree on something, you go to your parents. It feels like you often switch to their opinion, even though you and I already agreed on something. Have you noticed that?”
The key to the rest of this conversation is going to be in strategic silences. Make her say it. I predict that she will say something about how she respects her parents, she has a right to seek outside opinions, they have lots of life experience, etc.
Once she has had a chance to acknowledge the pattern, I would focus very closely on this specific incident. Talking about the overall pattern is likely to go in circles, and right now you have a great example of this going **badly.**
Your next script is something along these lines:
“I understand that you like to get your parents’ input on things, and I have tried to be respectful of that. But right now, I feel like the agreements that you and I make don’t matter. We just lost 4 months of work, over $1.5k, and our good relationships with the builders and surveyors because you went behind my back. You and your father changed your minds on a big decision that affected us without including me. I’m really hurt and frustrated that you did that.”
Again: silence. I would avoid asking her questions, because I don’t think you are interested in an explanation. If you do ask for anything, I would ask for an apology and a promise to change. If she’s not willing to at least try and change, this may be a dealbreaker.
I agree with almost every other commenter – put house hunting on hold!! You do not need to get any deeper into this relationship. I would also not be intimate with her without protection. You also do not want to raise a child with her parents (because it will be them in charge & not your girlfriend). I don’t think that this is going to change. You should ask yourself if you want to live this way until your in-laws pass. And what will happen then? Will your girlfriend be able to function? Will she turn to someone else to tell her what to do? This is definitely a dealbreaker for me.