I’ve been struggling with this matter for a long time. Since I want to improve in this area of life this throwaway was created and I turn to you, fellow internet strangers.
I **(22M)** met a new close guy friend **(26M)** on a gaming convention last year in July. We found out that we share a lot of common interests and hobbies, as well as having similar values in life. After having gotten to know each other on a deeper level he expressed a romantic interest in me, which certainly came as a shock, but it was a pleasant suprise. I did see us just as friends for a while but eventually started getting feelings back for him (Yep, I’m bi so I like both girls and guys).
However, I’ve never really been able to set my foot out in the dating world due to various reasons. Firstly, back in my childhood I was always known as the ugly one in all friend groups I was a part of. I was short, chubby, and just plain so-and-so in that department (Of course not anything wrong with it but it did keep some of my self esteem crippled). During this time period I was even asked out as a joke by some girls in my middle school, which really affected me.
But the worst thing happened when I was 13. A close childhood friend **(Also 13M at the time like me back then)** sexually assaulted me a couple of times. This coupled with the fact that people asked me out like a laughing stock really hindered my ability to trust people in that way, and if they were interested I was only a piece of meat to be disposed of. This along with other factors like my autism served to make me more isolated from my peers, for example when someone would talk about their relationship I just couldn’t relate, and this trust issue even extended somewhat to friendships too (But that is another can of worms).
During my later teen years I managed to get a glow up. I began to slim down, keep up with hygiene and shaving, and started going to the gym religiously developing a muscular body while also developing myself in other aspects of life like school, work, hobbies, ecc. People around me like friends, family members, classmates/colleagues and even strangers and former crushes have commented that think that I’m attractive and even handsome, yet I still can’t bring myself to believe it. I still don’t believe anyone would find me attractive in a romantic way. It’s just a ridiculous concept in every way, shape and form.
All of my traumas has made me really cynical about love and makes me very sceptical towards people who actually want to be together with me. There have been a few people who have expressed interest in me, but I usually reject everyone who expresses that interest, even when I like them back. When someone hits on me I feel flattered but inside I’m just thinking “what do you even see in me? You are wasting time and effort”. Even if said person gives me a truthful, genuine answer I always think it comes from a place of pity. The only expections are basically this guy friend, and a girl I met through the gym last year who I had a one night stand with.
My guy friend has been incredibly supportive and loving toward me despite knowing my troubled history. He respects my space and understands that I naturally struggle with this type of relationship. He’s assured me constantly just like other people in my life that I’m desirable and that I do deserve love. I love him so much and I know that he’s into me but some days I just feel unloveable and simply don’t believe that anyone can be into me in that way.
I’m really worried that my cynicism and my toxic mindset of my attractiveness will make me push him away from me, and the thought of that makes me want to die. I want to be with him eventually but god damn is it hard to believe he actually likes me. Is there any advice that I could take regarding this situation?
**TL:DR: A guy friend expressed romantic interest in me, and I’ve begun to like him back, but I’m held back by my traumas from youth, my toxic of mindset of not being attractive for romantic love and cynisism.**