Hi, it happened basically twice. 2 weeks ago on a vacation, we had a quick coffee and it costed around 5 euros/dollars in total, and he told me ,, don’t you worry i’ll pay it” in a sarcastic tone, basically only because I couldn’t make up my mind whether I want to pay with a bigger bill or card. He said it seemed like I have a problem paying for it, even tho I already paid for some things on the same day (and through the next days on the vac, it was mostly me who paid).
A few days ago, it was more harsh – we shortly stopped in a restaurant (it was his idea) where we just had a drink, and when it came to paying (at the bar), we just sat there quietly for 5 minutes. After a while I asked if he is waiting for me to pay (I said that just because of the previous situation), and he replied ,,No, i’m not. Are YOU waiting for me to pay?” Made me upset, so I got up and went paying. When we left we argued, his whole point basically was that he recently noticed that I always expect him to pay, that I don’t even bring a purse with me (I recently did not take it like 2 times, just because to eat out was not my idea, but I still had a card with me). He said that I don’t even suggest paying for myself. Not only it shocked me, but it’s not even true. He works full time job, is far from any financial distress, I am a college student (monthly I make around 10% of his income) and I’ve always tried to make all our expenses as even as possible. I NEVER had a problem with paying, on the contrary, I actually love treating him.
I don’t know how to handle this, he is basically denying reality. I don’t feel like breaking up but I’m scared what it could mean in the future.
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TL;DR: My boyfriend says I have a problem with paying, even tho I do pay and never showed any defiance.
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3 comments
If he is denying reality, there is no way to make him see the truth. He has decided that you never pay, and nothing will convince him otherwise. Even if you brought up an itemized list of who had paid for what, he would find a way to make it fit his way of thinking.
Don’t stay with him. He will start rewriting more and more history. He will gaslight you more until you doubt everything about yourself. Break up with him now.
I would outright tell him, “let’s split everything 50-50 from now on then”, but honestly the way he brings up issue – passive agressively, accusingly, and starting arguments – is not good for your relationship overall. I forsee many other fights in your future about other topics.
I don’t want to protect him or something, but: how often do you get take away food? How often do you do any activities that include spending money? How often did he pay for you in the past? Was it a lot?
Like the situation with waiting before saying anything. If my bf did it, I would assume that he’s short on money (But I still would pay and don’t even mind). And because of it I can somehow understand that his first thought was that you’re waiting for him to pay for both of you.
Still it’s not fair that he accuses you of not wanting to pay, especially because you’re still a college student with no income. If he’s that annoyed both of you should start doing things that don’t include it. There are a lot of possibilities. And if he still wants to do it even tho you’re short of money, tell him “Look, I really don’t want to. I love spending time with you, but I hate when you start this topic about money and if I pay for myself or if I’m waiting for you to do this. I want to spend time with you without fighting about it, but if it’s not possible, then I don’t understand why you still want to do anything with me”.
If I was you I would start to pay for myself, but did it only if you’re sure you won’t be short on money in the next moment. But still tell him about your feelings and ask him what is he expecting from you rn, and see if both of you can Match your expectations