Hi! I need some advice. A perspective or two. Particularly from the women here.
So my [31M] wife [31F] and I had sex last night. I don’t think it was supposed to happen, but it did and now it’s kind of bothering me…
Here’s what happened:
We were lying in bed together cuddling just before our typical bedtime. She decided to wear a small black top that was just short of her bellybutton, and black panties. It contrasted really well with her pearly skin and turned me on. I asked her if she was in the mood for sex and she said “no, sorry, not tonight.”
That’s a pretty clear signal in my eyes to back off, so I did. We were still enveloped in each other from cuddling, there was a lot of skin contact and the pressure kept building inside of me. I wanted this woman so badly, cuddling was only making it worse even though she absolutely loves cuddling.
I told her that in a few minutes I was gonna get up and go relieve myself of the built up pressure, she was ok with that. I was so fired up and rock hard though, I just kept looking at her and started stroking myself and it felt amazing… I couldn’t stop.
It didn’t take long at all for her to notice and asked if I was gonna be ok. I actually can’t remember what I said, I was too lost in the moment. Next thing I hear is “maybe I will jump your bones…”
We had sex. For about 45 minutes, give or take. It was amazing. It wasn’t typical vanilla sex either which used to be typical for us. She gave me a handjob, I teased her by stimulating her clit and we did PIV for a little, then I surprised her by stopping, pulling out, and burying my face between her legs. She came 3 times, I came last.
Here’s my dilemma: I feel so bad today. I feel guilty, like I coerced her into sex after she said no, but she was pretty into it… I don’t know what to think here and I feel like I’m maybe being irrational.
Was what happened ok? Someone tell me I’m just overthinking it, because I’m thinking of trying it again tonight…
Edit: I’m aware women can change their minds, but my wife usually doesn’t. This is the first time this has happened, so it scared me a little. I just need some reassurance since the last thing I want to do is hurt her in any way.
UPDATE: we’re cool. I talked to her about it honestly. Now I am…. So f*king embarrassed tbh. She said it was great, enjoyed it, and I’m overthinking it. Which many of you suggested was the case. I’m sorry for being an idiot for a day, Reddit.
45 comments
No, you didn’t coerce her, you turned her on! She wasn’t in the mood before but seeing how hot she got you did it for her. Good job, soldier.
You just turned her on. Sometimes I’m not in the mood, but I can get horny very easily, when my bf presses the right buttons. That doesn’t mean that he forces me to have sex, it just means that someone can change its mind.
Imagine you telling your wife you are not in the mood and she is all thats ok, and then she all i think I’ll put on something more comfortable to lounge in, Next thing you know she puts on some slinky lingerie and is walking around you all smiles.
Is she coercing you?
And it is common for someone who says “I’m not in the mood” to change their mind. And if you contributed to them changing your mind is not coercion.
This is coercion:
co·er·cion
the practice of persuading someone to do something by using **force** or **threats.**
You’re overthinking it man. You didn’t pressure her, you turned her on. 2 completely different things.
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That’s how some of our best sex starts. Good job 😍
Sometimes I can’t tell if y’all are serious or not.
You turned her on why do you feel guilty?
You did nothing wrong at all. She just changed her mind.
Seriously?
Dude. This is normal. My husband touching himself because I turned him on turns me on. My mood will change once the sex hormones start flying, and it always ends up being great sex. There are times when he self pleasures, while im on my phone and there’s times I do it too while he ignores me. We rarely finish without help!
Married for 17 years and if I want some without trying I will go lay next to him in sexy under things or nothing at all until he gives in and takes me. If it’s a hard no from me, the flannels go on
I think I’m a little different than most here because I do want to be asked. I have a hard time reading signals and am “ready” a lot so I also tend to ask rather than just jump my guy and assume.
Like others have said, your wife seems like she was super into it. A no can turn to a yes just like a yes can sometimes turn to a no. I would have this conversation with your wife as well. Something like “I had a great time last night. I know you initially said no but you seemed enthusiastic, are you comfortable with everything that happened?” This way you will also know next time and hopefully not feel so guilty.
Stop. You are overthinking. Enjoy sex with your wife.
It sounds loving and hot, and nobody was pushy. Sometimes a backrub, or watching your partner get sexy, changes your mood and wakes the libido. Nothing to feel guilty about here.
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I agree with what others are saying, but I want to comment on your “thinking of trying this again tonight”. It’s great that she changed her mind and you guys had fun, but I wouldn’t expect it to always go that way. There is likely a combination of reasons why she ended up changing her mind, and even she may not fully know why. So I’d be a little hesitant to set up the exact same scenario the next day. Unfortunately you probably haven’t found the magic “wife wants sex” button. But she may have more of “reactive desire” vs “spontaneous desire”. If you do some research on those terms and “reactive” sounds correct for her, that may help you understand her sex drive better.
You absolutely did not coerce her, don’t worry
I don’t think anything bad happened. She got turned on and you both had fun. Don’t worry about it.
Yeah you advertised the “goods” and she decided she wanted to “buy”. You pleasuring yourself to her probably was hot and it obviously got her going.
Next time just ask if you can jerk yourself there or if she would like you to leave the room. Dont over think it.
You can only ask her if she felt like you pressured her into it in any way. We can only guess from our experience, but it’s not hers. Just ask her, man.
If you’re unsure I really would ask her but I think she just changed her mind and decided she was in the mood after seeing you get all over the moon for her!
It happens, sometimes you’re not feeling it and then .. something your partner does sets you off it happens with my bf and I as well
You didn’t coerce her. Like a lot of women, she likely has “responsive desire” as opposed to “spontaneous desire” which a lot of men have. Seeing how turned on you were by her likely made her very turned on and she changed her mind. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you tried to convince her or pressure her in any way, she changed her mind and she then initiated sexual contact with you by saying she wanted to “jump your bones”. You haven’t done anything wrong. I wouldn’t expect this to happen every time she says she’s not in the mood, but you can use this experience and the knowledge you’ve gained about your wife to modify your actions to turn her on more in the future. Let her know how much she turns you on and show her how much you desire her and she might respond with desire for you too. If not, respect her wishes.
Violation of consent is a big deal. You must have a solid understanding about it. It shouldn’t be a line you cross mistakenly.
If think you violated consent under this circumstance, then where will you draw the line?
Maybe you forced your wife to marry you because she find you attractive!
There is a big willingness factor in our (me f34, husband m43) relationship. If we only ever asked if I’m ready to go now, my response would be, “I’m not in the mood” and then we’d probably never have sex, because I need to feel desired. We added the willingness factor because, no I’m not currently turned on shouldn’t mean, no to sex, especially because I do love and want sex and intimacy. It means I’m willing to lay down and snuggle and play and I’m willing to attempt to be turned on by you until it is an enthusiastic yes. This sounds like a great example of this in action for you. She probably wasn’t turned on, but then feeling you want her so much and the context of the situation turned her on to where she wanted to play too. So much of it for me is timing… currently in this moment hard no…but if we spend 5 minutes in bed fulling commiting to the process of trying to be turned on..within moments I’m now ready…but being willing to try to be turned on is huge for our sex life.
Just communicate. Make sure she knows that you didn’t want to pressure her.
Also, My wife has a responsive desire. Meaning she often responds to the situation rather than initiate the situation. Maybe when she saw things happening she goes “ooh that doesn’t sound so bad”
As long as she knows she’s safe with you and can say no if she doesn’t…. Go ham!
That’s not coercion, she just got turned on by seeing you. Tbh, asking “wanna have sex?” while cuddling isn’t the sexiest approach. Foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. So it’s definitely possible that just randomly asking her if she was in the mood lead to her saying no. But that seeing you all worked up did the job for her. Coercion is pressuring or threatening someone into sex. You jerking off isn’t pressuring or threatening, relax
No, you didn’t coerce her. You turned her on. This is so cute.
You turned her on and she changed her mind! All good, dude.
My wife would have better chances of initiating sex with me using physical contact than just popping the question. I think that’s what happened here. In a matter of seconds your wife got turned on and wanted it then.
This happened with me and my wife all the time! If I’m in the mood, and she isn’t. She’ll want me to tug one out so she can watch because it turns her on. Sometimes she jumps on, others, she touches me while I finish. It’s a good compromise so that we are both happy and not sexually frustrates with each other.
This happens with me (f) and my partner (m), he’ll start self pleasuring and saying hot thing and I completely change my mind 🙈
Just ask her. My wife and I had to go through a lot of iterations and discussions to discern between
– Full No
– No but feel free to get off if I take my pants off for you for inspiration
– feel free to get off and when you get close I’ll make out with you and rub you to finish
– I’m not in the mood but I’ll get you off
– I just wanted a massage, but now that I’m naked, get inside me
– sex
It was a lot of discerning whether actions were intended to be helpful or convincing, and we had confusion on both sides until we hashed through it. Like, if I offer a massage and it turns to sex, should I presume next massage will too? And if I offer a massage, should she feel that’s what I’m expecting when I do?
Etc., etc., etc.
Just talk to her.
She didn’t think she was in the mood and then she saw you and got really horny. It’s like you’re not hungry but then someone brings over some delicious dessert and you think I need that now. You sound like a lovely husband and she seems to be really into you. Good for you guys!!
Ask your wife about this!
Woman here, echoing what’s already been said. She found it really hot that you started touching yourself and became turned on. It’s really that simple. You’d probably feel the same in reverse, right? It’s pretty easy to go from “not in the mood” to “in the mood” if you see something incredibly sexy. She probably felt *so* desired.
Additionally, I’m (and many women) are the same way – being asked for sex doesn’t really get the motor running. Does nothing, lol. But action, touching, showing desire, kissing, cuddling, and so on, are what get us in the mood. Everybody has different preferences of course, but the idea is to help us *want* it, not hope that we just happen to be in the mood. You did exactly that and it turned out great.
This sub isn’t Letters To Penthouse, okay?
dude nut so hard his post nut clarity lasted until the next day
I think that you’re getting hung up on the fact specifically that she wasn’t in the mood. But there’s the thing:
She *wasn’t* in the mood, so you didn’t have sex. But then you *got her in the mood*, so you did. There’s nothing wrong with that.
The problem you’re thinking of is when you continue to have sex even though she isn’t in the mood, through obligation or coercion etc., which you’re absolutely right isn’t okay, but that’s not the case here.
As others have said in the comments, this is a case of ‘responsive desire’, which is perfectly fine and normal.
Boy what a fucked up world we live in that even when a mans wife initiates sex (be it originally or changing her mind after seeing her husband so turned on) that someone would think they coerced them into having sex. I guess we should all get written consent and have a notary stationed in our bedrooms at all times so we can share our love and passion for one another without some bullshit guilt. Save me the “it happens all too often and you can never be careful enough to make sure no one is being forced or manipulated into something they don’t t want to do”. This is NOT that and any rational person can see that.
I actually don’t even think this post is real. Probably just trolling ppl like me with some reasonable sense left in this world.
I can’t believe people are so insecure they feel bad when their wives actually want to have sex. What has this world become…
When dooms day happens you will unfortunately be one of the first to go.
Dude! You totally seduced her! You weren’t playing any mind games or hard to get.
You were honest with her when you said that you are horny and will have sex with or without her.
She was honest that she was not in the mood, and then she CHANGED HER MIND about it, and wanted to initiate it.
It’s great to able to honestly and clearly communicate like that, without worrying that the other party will get offended or take it personally. There is nothing more satisfying then spontaneous, impulsive sex, where your monkey brains are in complete control and you are not thinking rationally.
You’ve got yourself a good woman there, hold on to her!
Oh my God, stop being such a pussy.
Off topic, but fucking good on you OP. I love hearing advice questions where there is a genuine concern of “I respect this person and love them so much, please tell me I’m just in my head about this”. Makes me feel like the relationship you have is so full of love. I think you’re adorable and a great partner. On topic; you’re good my dude. You made your wife horny, and that’s great. Talk with her though if you have that libido imbalance and it’s making you anxious. I’ve had that talk and it let my partner know when they say no, whatever happens after is not me trying to push them into an activity they rejected, and have even had them change their minds some nights which in turn made me feel better after because I didn’t have the same feeling you did about the actions that unfolded (going to pound town). Marriage is work, and the only way to make it work is by working together. You sound like a solid dude, so you probably have a solid lady. You’re gonna be okay!
You weren’t being an idiot. You were concerned and that’s ok. Sometimes it’s easier to come to reditt and get (mostly) judgement free respones. I’m glad you t a ked about it with your wife. Remember that your partner is there to love, listen, and understand you because they choose to do all of life with you, sex included.