My husband and I have been together for 13 years in total, married for two. For all of our relationship, my husband has held a job but early 2018 he quit his job to go to an intensive coding boot camp. It should have taken only about 6 months to go through all of it but because he dragged his feet about taking care of things every step of the process, he was unemployed for a full year before landing another job. He worked that job for about 10 months, and then quit without telling me January 2020. He has been unemployed since then. He decided to go back to college to try and finish his bachelors instead, but this turned into argument after argument where I felt like he wasn’t taking it seriously. I saw him put maybe 5 hours of work a week if that into school and also not taking care of anything around the house. He eventually quit school in October 2021, and has been a complete NEET for coming up on two years now. Meanwhile I have been working full time supporting both of us for the majority of the past 5 years.
I got married to him because we’ve been together forever and for the majority of our relationship, especially at the beginning, I would have called him the more responsible one of the two of us. I just feel like if he could get past whatever mental block he has I would get the man back that I had before 2018. But obviously its not happening. I can’t count how many serious conversations he and I have had where he’ll start doing more around the house for like a week before going back to doing nothing. He insists he’s not depressed.
We had a huge blow up fight three weeks ago where I told him that I can’t do this forever. He told me three times at the end of that fight he would find a job. Well, three weeks later and he has done absolutely zero things to work on finding a job. I don’t think he’s spent 1 second on it. The first week after the argument he did spend way more time doing things around the house, but on this third week I think he’s spent a grand total of like 30 minutes of doing things around the house. As I’m writing this post, he’s been sleeping in bed the whole day while I WFH. It’s like if I’m not mad at him, taking care of things doesn’t even enter his mind.
I’m constantly stressed every single day thinking about this. I’m at the end of my patience, which I feel like I have been excessively more patient than anyone else would be in this situation. Yet he makes it out like I’m unreasonable to be mad at him or have a problem with this. I feel like waking him up and telling him this is the final warning about finding a job. If he hasn’t started seriously applying to places in the next few weeks then I’m done. But when we’re in the heat of arguments, he always finds a way to make me feel like I’m the unreasonable person and I’m being too mean to him. I don’t know what to do, does anyone have any advice on how to have this conversation?
TL;DR: Husband has been unemployed for the majority of the past 5 years. I am looking for advice on how to have the “do better or I’m done” final warning kind of conversation with him.
38 comments
You already told him and he basically doesn’t gaf. If you’re ready to divorce him, judge do it. Best you are going to get with a threat is a temporary change.
girl just leave. why are you letting him embarrass you like this? he has you begging for the bare minimum. begging. wheres your dignity? where are your standards? he is playing you for a fool
I don’t even think a final warning is necessary here. You’ve given him more than enough chances. Five years is a long time to keep your head stuck in the sand and do nothing to better your situation. If he doesn’t give a fuck than you need to see that for what it is and walk away.
I think that it is absolutely okay to give a ‘final warning.’ It’s a lot kinder than many get in similar situations. If I were you, I would go into that conversation fully expecting it not to change where he is at immediately.
It does sound like there’s something seriously wrong on his end, that he’s not acknowledging or taking care of. If it’s been this way for 5 years then I doubt any words are going to inspire change. He’s probably going to need the wake up call of actually losing you, at least temporarily. But maybe losing your support (which might be closer to enabling at this point) will push him to finally address it, and maybe you can reevaluate if/when he does.
He didn’t need to quit his job to then go into a bachelor degree. Plenty of people do it part-time while they work full-time. I mean, it’s a lot of excuses and now he’s been unemployed for a LONG time and nothing to show in terms of credentials.
You are OK with final warning or just no warning and going for divorce. You are waiting for him to be the person he was (or you thought he was) 13 years ago but he has not been that person for at least 5 years.
Don’t. He’s already proven he’s not going to do anything and has disrespected your wishes every step of the way. You are parenting a teenager not sharing a life with a loving partner. You deserve better.
How about a separation? You talked and talked and blew up, then talked – for the last 5 years. This may have been the biggest blow up fight but the trend is still the same. Small change for a short period of time then back to the same old thing. Talking and ultimatums clearly aren’t working. It’s time for action. You can be open for reconciliation, but go through a formal separation so he has to live on his own and take care of himself. And insist on therapy before reconciliation. You have been doing all of the work in this relationship- it’s time to let him take accountability and action.
This isn’t a conversation with him
The words are just a nicety to let him know about the contract you just agreed with yourself.
He’s already knee-deep in knowing what you need and is showing you words no longer have any weight.
This is about you accepting that the moment those words leave your mouth, you’ve committed to following them when he doesn’t change.
He’s just a spectator OP, the only person that needs to make a decision now is you.
The last time i said the same before my divorce, I’d agreed with my own conscience it was the last time I was ever putting improvement on the table again.
It never came so i got divorced, then i kicked myself for a few years mad that i’d put up with it for so long.
Pretty sure you won’t regret divorcing, only staying too long
Talk to a lawyer. Find out how things will work out for you.
Limit his access to money. Don’t cut him off ,per se, but ensure he doesn’t have access to all of your funds.
Then tell him that you are speaking with a lawyer about divorce. Let the crying and pleading begin. If you want to work it out, set a strict deadline. IE: if he isn’t full time employed at a legit job by x date, you are filing for divorce.
You already gave him that chance. Numerous times. Time to follow through on it.
Seriously, I think that him not pulling his weight with the household chores is MUCH worse than the job thing, although that’s bad too. Why is he okay with you doing everything? How can he care about you at all if he leaves that burden on you?
Dump him. If the ultimatum would have worked, being dumped would do the trick anyway. And if it wouldn’t have worked, then you at least get peace of mind and you only have to care for yourself.
I would kick him out but don’t file for divorce yet. A separation might be the wake up call he needs to realise you’re serious about this.
I have a very serious question for you. If you give him an ultimatum. If you say
“[Hubby], this is the last chance. If you do not have a full time job in the X time and take on all the household duties without being asked, I am filing for divorce.” Do you think he would commit to it? Like really change his behavior permanently?
I don’t, but I’m not married to him.
My point is, if *you* don’t think **one more chance** is going to make any difference after all these chances, why bother.
Just see an attorney and file for divorce. It’s not like *this time it’s really going to stick*.
Just leave him. You’ve told him already, and he isn’t going to change. You know it; we know it.
I mean if he’s sleeping all day, he probably is depressed. Him being in denial about it doesn’t make it not so. Has he ever been evaluated or done anything to address any potential mental health issue? If you really want to do a “final warning” instead of just ending it, him going to a psychiatrist should be part of the deal.
I run into situations like this. I want my SO to do something or treat me a certain way ( I know you said you talked to him about this, so this is where we differ) and I don’t want to tell them to do it… because then, are they only doing this because I asked them to or are they genuine in wanting to do it. I don’t do this with like taking out the garbage or cleaning. Usually it will be treatment based. She is doing XYZ and not treating me like I treat her or I feel I should be treated. Do you mention it and have them fake it? Or do you let your relationship die?
In your situation you have made it very clear what you are expecting of him, he still does it. You know what that shows? He doesn’t respect you. Unfortunately he doesn’t. I could see if it was a month or two that he was out of work but was looking for jobs and increasing how much he does at home….but over a year? It seems like he doesn’t believe you will do anything. Maybe you’ve let him get away with shit in the past and he thinks he can just push through it and you’ll forget about it. If you want to stay in the relationship and give it a chance…tell him you are going to your GFS house, cousins, parents anywhere ( I’m not saying stay with an ex or random dude) for a week or two until you think about things. Maybe him seeing you not there will wake him up. Maybe it won’t, he’s giving you enough to warrant ending things though. I would feel so guilty if my SO was supporting me for over a year while I flip flopped between shit. A real responsible adult gets a job, ANY JOB. If I got fired tomorrow and couldn’t find equal pay somewhere…I’m driving door dash, Uber, bartending. I would do anything. It seems he is already checked out.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Please just divorce the dead weight, he keeps making excuses, but hasn’t changed at all in 5 years.
Kick him out. If he changes maybe you can think about dating him again but not living together. He’s obviously not husband material and you’re just dragging out your own unhappiness. You can’t change people, they can only change themselves and then only if they want to.
Edited to add: and there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just lazy. You do everything for him, why would he give that up?
Your threats seem empty from your post.
It’s been you guys circling around. All he has to do is do some stuff around the house for a week then he can slack off. He’s still sheltered, eats, etc. He doesn’t have to worry because you’ve been the breadwinner for the past few years.
You have given him a bunch of opportunities. He hasn’t stepped up or not motivated enough.
You are not remotely unreasonable. Give him a deadline and stick to it. Also, if he doesnt ship shape, make him leave. You’re already doing everything anyway. No reason why you should be burdened with moving and finding a new house. He’s the one with all the free time.
Sit him down when you’re not fighting. Do it in a moment where things seem stable, even good. Tell him you wanted to discuss this seriously and succinctly, while you are both in the right head space: last chance, either he shapes up or you ship out. It’s not a debate or even a discussion, you’ve already had the discussion many times! You just need him to hear you: he must change. You are not willing to wait anymore.
Don’t let him turn it into an attack on you for pointing it out. Don’t get caught up in the bickering around specific little symptoms when he really needs to address and overhaul the big picture. Don’t let him wear you down or guilt you! You’re not starting a fight, you’re just establishing a boundary and articulating it to him.
But you have to follow through and leave when he doesn’t shape up, or else the cycle repeats. Holding yourself accountable to your current patterns and shifting yourself are the only things *you* can do.
At this point, file for divorce and hire someone to change the locks. Do not give him a key. Pack his stuff up. That way, you are doing one final thing for him.
Tell him to get out.
Maybe call his mommy to come get him. He can be her problem again.
I’m usually team “try everything” but others have good points.
If you want to be team “try everything,” though, find somewhere to send yourself or him, separate. Tell him you’ll *discuss* coming back together when he’s in therapy and has a job. This sounds like depression or addiction. Call in reinforcements.
I feel like your last argument was your “fix it or we’re done.” He told you three times he would find a job and start helping more. He made a promise he did not keep because he doesn’t believe that you’ll actually come to the end of your rope. I think you should approach him with a trial separation so that he understands that you are genuinely serious in your feelings on this and let him know that he needs to figure out what’s going on and what’s stopping him, but you can’t continue to enable him laying around doing nothing all day. Put your mental and physical health first.
Husband? You spelled leech wrong. Even if he goes out and gets the most amazing job, would that fix this? I cannot imagine treating someone you love like this for the past few YEARS.
No warning, just kick him to the curb. He manipulates you and every conversation to play the victim because he knows what’s up. Stop letting him play you.
Of course it’s OK, he’s had enough chances.
He *is* depressed, that’s all but a guarantee, but that’s not an excuse.
Ummmm nope… no more warnings required. He’s a grown ass man and he knows exactly what he is doing. He will get a job really quickly once he needs to support his own ass. I’m not saying you need to rest a divorce but I would either kick him out or move out yourself. You can entertain the idea of reconciliation if and when he has successfully working full-time.
He is a parasite. I do not understand why you think today is any different than yesterday or yesteryear.
For 13 years he has been a freeloader. He has worked out an excellent arrangement. You work buys his freedom. He likes this situation. If he wanted to be different he would be.
Can you send him back to his other mom? He will not change. Can being alone really be worse?
Just start packing already. If you like the place, pack up his crap. If you don’t like the place, pack up your stuff.
He’s a baby and a loser. It’s okay to have left yesterday. Stop letting him emotionally manipulate you in arguments and leech off you for years.
Why did you marry him when all of this was already going on? It kinda sounds like you knew what you signed on for when you committed to forever with him
Just file. He hasn’t listened in the past 5 years, it’s magical thinking to believe if you just find the right string of words he’ll have an epiphany and do a 180 into your dream man.
I’ve been in your shoes. In the end I felt neglected and unappreciated. After stay at home ended, I realized I couldn’t do it anymore and asked for a separation then a month later a divorce. He knew he’d blown it.
So we got a divorce. Ironically, he died of a heart attack two weeks later.
But two years later I’m in a new town, with a new job and have a very affectionate and attentive man in my life.
I wish the same for you!
Honestly I’d just file for divorce. Tell him the filing can be cancelled but only if he gets a job. Otherwise you will finalize. He obviously thinks he can just keep doing what he’s doing and you’ll keep giving in. This is the only way to prove you’re serious
You’re not wrong. There has been no discussion of what he’s really is feeling. He’s tried but not tried. It keeps repeating he picks up then drags his feet again. Maybe separation is better first, make him know you mean business. Once living separate lives if you still see him the same , then proceed with the divorce. The love is a tricky distraction, but it should tie into logic to be motivation to continue the marriage. Somethings going on with him that he is just not telling. Probably was dissatisfied with line of work, process to get a degree which really has multiple avenues. The boot camp was a good one but maybe he was more anxious about the money rather than the line of work. Leaving him to himself may be his motivator to win you back by doing everything right to warrant your love and his own self care.
He has zero motivation to get a job, he lives life stress free. Thing is he does NOT care if you are miserable. In fact, this is a case of tolerable misery. Everyone once in a while you confront him and he has to lie & show a week or so of some effort & then go back to doing what he wants.
There are no consequences for his non-action. If he threatens suicide, then call the police. Which if it is serious, then he gets the help that he needs. If he is bluffing, it will call that bluff out.
Go talk to a lawyer, and at least talk all your options out. You might have to pay him a year or two of alimony since you are financially supporting him for the past few years. But longer you stay married & he doesn’t work, the more money in alimony will cost you.
Realize he doesnt care if you are stressed. Stress that is taking years off of your life & potentially giving you high blood pressure. Which means he cares nothing about your well being at all. He gets to be lazy and that is all that matters to him.
He doesn’t care that you are doing majority of the house work. And statistically, since you make more money than he does the higher chances of him cheating on you. He does NOT care about any of this being fair to you at all. When women are the main breadwinners, they are more likely to do all the cleaning too.
After you go see a lawyer, accidentally let him hear you talk about it on the phone with your Mom or bestie. See if that lights his ass on fire about getting a job.
When do you lover yourself & do what it takes to protect your mental & physical well being over his feelings?
To be honest, he does sound depressed. If he’s sleeping for most of the day, not motivated to do much. Yes even doing chores, like a formerly traditional wife used to do.
Try to get him to his doctor and maybe a therapist.
You do seem to be a bit unkind to him. Something else is going on with him. You need to show him you’re on his side. Not the “final warning or I’m done”. That method is obviously not working.
If he’s a good, kind man, you have no reason to leave. He doesn’t bother you when you’re working, right? He’s sleeping, and probably isn’t feeling his energy or motivation lately.
Does he do anything he enjoys, like golf or go to a gym? Did he do those things before, but stopped?
There’s a reason why you got married. You both are a team. Act like it!
THIS is the advice.
I lived with a person for nearly 13 years. They behaved just like this. For 6 years, single income (mine). Would do nothing. I did all shopping, 90% of cooking, 80% of cleaning (till our kid was old enough to help – then 65%), all homework, after school programs, scheduling, trip planning, budget, vehicle maintenance, paying of bills, gift shopping for their extended and immediate family – no help. Asked time and time and time and time again. Always long arguments as though they would rather fight than help. Seriously. Going for 5 hours plus in weekly arguing instead of helping for 30 min 4 times a week.
It was so damn infuriating.
Always excuses. Eventually it became that I was “too critical”, and they “would do a bad job” and I would just “come behind them and do it right” so why even bother.
Wouldn’t do therapy – solo or couple. Child was helping out more than their parent in contributing to the house.
They were doing it all on purpose. Spilt tea left to dry (1/4 gallon), plates of food rotting, wouldn’t even bother to use a dust pan correctly after sweeping poorly, mopp3 a 3 times in a decade – and would leave laundry in the drier or a basket, with aoaf mildewing in the washer.
Spent all day playing video games, sleeping, hobbies, or TV/Internet videos.
Would plan to cook, but then make me stop by the store on the way home to get “things,” though they had been home all day with a car in the driveway and money in their pocket.
Would always be a box dinner with a few fresh veggies tossed in, stems, stalks and all (think about poorly washed untrimmed broccoli).
Drank too much, too often. Toxic towards our kid who old enough to see it.
They had hobbies they didn’t pay to support. Quick to argue. Always self conscious, mad everything about them. Conversstions not involving them were to be interrupted and manipulated. Being mad at them was the only thing that would get them to help (at the most rudimentary level, and only temporarily, as you have mentioned).
I would have been fine remaining a single income household if they took care of the house. We could have made it work. I wanted a commited partner to build and share a life with.
Reality is I was raising two children, but one of them grew up.
In our mid 30s they got Leukemia.
I stayed. Did everything for them. Can’t even begin to describe the level of expectation was put on me to bring home money, handle the thousands (literally) of treatments, transfusions, lab appointments, and hospital stays, the kid, the pets, school, food, bills, everything.
Went as far as to tear down the bedroom, rebuild with all new building materials and treat the lumber for mold – creating a super clean room for them to stay in free of the pets while her immune system was shot (wbc counts undetectable) $700 hepa filters, god.
It drained every last cent I had, and anything I had ever earned was sold.
They will NEVER change. Not even in the face of death.
The day they were confirmed in remission they said they couldn’t stand to look at me because they felt judged.
They next day, they hit me.
I then discovered they were cheating on me – saying I hadn’t made enough time for them when them when they were sick.
They then had the nerve to accuse me of “cheating first” because I had well wishers from work who had signed cards and helped us with donations of food and money.
I left that house with nothing but the clothes on my back.
Penniless. Now they get disability and never have to work again.
Hope they’re happy. Never want to see them again. Kid will be old enough this year to visit if they want. I refuse to see/hear the other parent. Never.
I was made a total fool of.
Stacked our kid with infinite guilt after nearly dying and forces them to pick between us.
Leave.
They will never get better, and they might get sick.
It’s a type of abuse and it took all this for me to see it for what it was.
I’ve rebuilt. Didn’t take long before I had a place where I could decompress, plan a dinner, have clean organized space towatch TV, wfh, and work on learning new skills and hobbies. Joined a gym, etc.
People like this are disgusting, but real. Total vampires who have no accountability.
Good luck.
Just leave.
My new SO is great.
Ambitious, motivated, and capable. Self-sufficient. Smart. Good looking, and supportive. We live our lives doing our own things – then share our days.
Relationship centers on how rare it is to be good and to have some one be good to you. To love and to be loved. And to enable each other, and pace negative emotions anf discuss before they become arguments.
I’ll miss my family on some days (including pets, which I’m sure were dead before my first year being gone).
Last I saw the house the grass was 4ft high.
9ne of the last things I heard was that our likes the “freedom” the other parent allows.
I tried to explain that wasn’t freedom. I gave up when they got upset with me.
From straight A’s to summer school. Life’s doors slamming shut.
Run.
Get away from this person.
Never wrote all this out before…. God, it’s awful.
Take care.