If in the beginning everything felt exciting and hot, after 2 yrs (even 1 y) , i can’t get turned on anymore. I have sex sometimes when he really craves it cause i think he deserves a bit of pleasure, but i’m not horny. And this happened in all relationships i’ve had. I’m never “i’n the mood” , i just convince myself mentally to have sex and fake moaning, putting up a show, pleasuring him. He jokes around saying “that’s what women are for, to pleasure men” and it’s a turn off, i hate his misogynistic jokes. We don’t have sex often, maybe like once a few months. But if i prepare myself to have sex with him, it’s always like a chore.
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1) why do stay together with him? 2) do you only feel this way about having sex with him or sex in general? 3) do you love him?
This may be a symptom of problems in the relationship, but maybe you just have a lower sex drive. Every person has a different sex drive, ranging from “never” to “it’s been three hours!” This is a part of who we are, it’s neither good nor bad, neither “normal” nor “weird”. If you and your boyfriend are okay with the relationship as it is, then there isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s also normal for couples to have different sex drives and “meet in the middle”; many of the posts in this community are about mismatched sex drives.
Out of curiosity: how does he feel about having sex every few months? I’m not judging you or trying to imply any responsibilities on your part. But I (28M), personally, wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with this amount of sex, and would not be able to stay in it for a long time. I think many men would find it difficult. So if he’s okay with it, then maybe you are well matched.
As for the mysoginistic jokes, try to talk to him nicely and calmly and say that you don’t like them.
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considering this happens in all your relationship, maybe you’re just asexual? that’s completely normal, but unfortunately i do think it would be hard to maintain a relationship with someone who isn’t asexual. could also possibly be chronic depression or if you’re taking any medication that could be affecting your libido as well. if you want to work on this issue maybe start by booking an appointment with your doctor just to rule out any physical issues that could be affecting you like this. please don’t listen to some of the other comments you’re getting telling you to essentially “suck it up” and have sex with your bf. for whatever reason it may be, you are clearly not comfortable with sex and sacrificing your own mental state for someone else’s physical pleasure helps no one. i understand your boyfriend’s frustrations as sexual needs ARE valid, but it takes two to tango and he doesn’t seem to be very supportive or willing to put in the work it may require to actually get you in the mood.
>He jokes around saying “that’s what women are for, to pleasure men” and it’s a turn off, i hate his misogynistic jokes.
Well that’s not going to help!
communicate communicate communicate! tell him these things bother you, and tell him how you feel! this does not sound like a you problem, either. are you still romantically attracted to him? it’s not that you *can’t* get turned on, it could be that he just doesn’t. sex should never feel like a chore!
Do you like him? Does he attract you? What were you attracted to at the start and did that change or did your perspective change?
I get bored of my sexual companions at about half a year, at which I need more foreplay. More verbal than physical and oral sex or fingering aren’t foreplay. But I can want to fuck someone who isn’t really attractive to me, just a new person who excites me for some reason. No amount of foreplay will help after I’ve gotten them out of my system.
Misogynistic jokes would turn me off and if they came from someone who I want to have sex with in the future I would make sure they knew. I wouldn’t be nice about it either.
Doesn’t sound like a good relationship. You should leave and avoid relationships, just meet random guys for sex when you want it, you may enjoy that more. As for him, better he’s set free to find someone who can have a normal healthy sex life.
Urgh any misogyny is not a joke. If he says one just pretend to not get it, and say I don’t get the joke can you explain it to me please? They can’t and it makes them feel stupid. Also tell him it turns you right off!
Dating a guy like that would be a complete and constant turn off. Those “jokes” aren’t funny and I think they show an ugly side to him.
Maybe there are more things he does/vibes he gives off that subconsciously turn you off?
The honeymoon phase wore off. He is familiar. You said this happens in all your relationships. It is that you like the thrill of the beginning. If you ever want to have a successful long term relationship, you may want to reflect on and work through that. It is hard and happens to *almost* every relationship eventually.
Do you still like him?
Walk ……..
77rhrduii
There is more wrong if I read this post & your comments.
* big age difference
* your ‘bf’ having multiple gf’s
* the comments your BF made
So I see multiple red flags. I was in a similar situation like you but with my husband, that I saw sex as a chore. But we had emotional closeness and selfishness was my issue: when I started to focus on my husband everything got better even the sex. But my husband is very humble and not self centered. Your ‘bf’ seems to be self centered and not humble.
So you are not the problem: he is.
Now if you happy with this situation and just want to make the sex more enjoyable I have a few more tricks I discovered and am happy to share, but it think you need to do some serious talking with your ‘bf’
I think you have very different sex drives. Either try to come to a compromise or be done. It wont end well if you dont.
Ok first of all break up. He’s gross.
And second of all, congratulations, you have just realized something very important about yourself.
You don’t actually like sex. The “honeymoon” period is NOT an accurate depiction of one’s sex drive. Once you settle into a relationship, that’s your true drive. And you are seeing the pattern in yourself. You dont have a sex drive.
Now that you know, it’s very important that you be upfront and honest with the men you date. It’s going to limit your dating pool alot. But you really need to find a man that is also not interested in sex. Otherwise you will both be miserable.
Ask me how I know
OP, maybe you have responsive desire.
Do you take hormonal BC? It kills the drive for a lot of woman almost completely.
I think you need to be blunt with him and tell him his misogynistic jokes are turning you off and you don’t feel like having sex with him when he makes them.
Well, I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either. With my ex, I was addicted to sex with him at first, but about 2 years in he became manic bipolar, but didn’t think he was so did nothing about it, and I couldn’t stand him even talking, and we literally went like 4 months without sex and when we finally did, I told him to make it fast 🤷🏻♀️ it happens if you just don’t like the person anymore.
Buttttt, have you started birth control or any new medications lately? That will effect your libido a lot.
His approach is hitting your brakes hard. You need to get a new relationship with a new kind of partner.
I’m a guy. His “jokes” are patently offensive. Partners don’t “owe” anything and certainly dehumanizing women to solely exist on their anatomy and sexual function is caveman type shit.
If he can’t accept you for who you are and can’t communicate with you responsibly, vote with your feet.
Putting aside the potential problems in your current relationship, it sounds like you’re excited by novelty, in the sense of new partners, since this is a pattern you’ve noticed in all your relationships. Maybe something like an open relationship would be more your style.
Came out of a 3 year relationship exactly like this earlier in the year. My pleasure seemingly didn’t matter to him, and I also had to put up with sexist jokes, hence why I never wanted sex with him. So glad to be out the other side of that one now.
Dump him.
The mental part of sex is gigantic. You are no longer mentally turned on by him due to what he says, and probably his sex skills and lack of what he does to please you, and maybe his body too. Sounds like a shitty ass mysoginst, doubt I’d like him at all.
Edit: Just read sex once a few months too?!??!?! Wtf???
There are two separate issues here that need addressing:
1. Your current bf sounds like a real piece of work. “That’s what women are for”. Yikes, get rid of him! And I’m a man saying this.
2. By your own admission this current POS bf is not the first time this has happened to you so it’s not as simple as saying “ he’s turning you off by his behaviour”…unless every other bf you’ve ever had has done similar things, in which case you’re going for the same type of man who is not good for you. But it sounds like you may be addicted to “novelty”, in which case you should probably explore why that is. Are you perhaps not entirely ready for a long-term relationship? Being addicted to novelty can be a sign of not wanting to get too deep into a relationship.
Just leave already. People are so scared to be alone and love themselves.
If you don’t want to have sex with someone, then don’t have sex with them. You’re right that he deserves a fulfilling relationship, and that means you should break up with him. Find someone who turns you on and isn’t misogynistic!
He should brake up with you
Tell him you hate this type of jokes
It seems like somewhere mentally you’ve realized this person possesses the qualities of, or portrays himself to be a person who you like but would typically steer clear of normally. Perhaps as he got more comfortable, things that would slip occasionally. Things that made you cringe and you likely didn’t mention hoping they were isolated and you justified to avoid conflict. Internal or external. But those things eventually became how you saw him and probably how he is. So now you might be stuck with this person you like but no longer internally recognize as an intimate partner. So you, I assume, struggle to find enough motivation to leave or rationale, that isn’t strong enough to prevent your personal consideration for this person and their feelings. You’re likely a very sweet person. However you’re only serving to hurt yourself and him atbthis point. Go to r/deadbedroom. Look at the serious confusion and pain those people encounter over trouble in intimacy between people who are in a similar situation. I’ve been there myself.
You either need to open up serious communication and seek mediation…..shared and personal counseling to get past the mental blockage and identify/understand what is troubling you. Understand that it isn’t your fault or his (blame gets nobody anywhere), share the responsibility of whatever the trouble is and fix it together. Or offer little explanation because your own understanding is limited so why lie or offer a means of false hope….even if unintended. Say,” I am just not happy”, or “dont feel like my love for you is what it once was or should be.” “Even though I still care.” And “I don’t want to hurt you but I am not happy here anymore, and it isn’t you doing or not doing anything….it’s just us creating the problem together.” Something along those lines……
Or the third and definitely not ideal option for either of you. Stick it out, let your lack of eagerness or interest in the bedroom become a point of obligation and bitterness for you that leads to cheating and bitterness from him. Let that poison fill your cup while you blindly sip trying to understand what that funny taste is? Possible crimes of passion…..mental health struggles…..etc ..
So, choice is yours. But make it, and soon. Don’t half ass it. Commit. And if you’re wanting to work it out. He has to commit too or you have to go for the benefit of everyone in and around your life.