A new co-worker that I never met quit after one shift because she was sexually harassed. Would it be strange for me to message her and offer my sympathies?

50 comments

1. If you have to ask reddit then yes it’s strange.

2. [deleted]

3. You could do it, but really think about how to phrase the message in a way that would be clear to her you have no intent of speaking to her ever again after that
   Not in a negative way, just in a No boundaries crossing way
   That it’s clear you don’t want anything out of it
   Just a quick, kind sympathy
   As a girl that’s been sexually harassed, I know I would quickly be disgusted/scared if someone would do this to me if it wasn’t phrased perfectly

4. This might just be my introverted self, but I wouldn’t need sympathies from some guy I never met. I wouldn’t really want that either.

5. If I were her, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of anything related to the incident

6. Nah dude. Just leave her alone. I highly doubt she wants to be reminded of the events.

7. Well it’s been a few days, so I don’t think you should. Especially if you didn’t know her or interact with her. The time for you to have done that has passed. I agree with everyone else, just leave her alone.

8. I would not reach out. I’m a woman and if a previous male coworker reached out about it I probably wouldn’t want to read it.

   This can be a learning experience for you, keep an eye out for the behavior from men towards your other female coworkers and call the men out. These behaviors can be very subtle, so you might need to learn what to look for… Tell them that you don’t tolerate this behavior at your workplace, and they will be kicked out/whatever… This behavior won’t go away if the woman says anything because men like this don’t take hints or even non subtle words… and the women are supposed to be “nice” at work because they are at work and can’t tell a customer to fuck off. which quite a bit of men take as the woman liking them or allowing this behavior, when in reality the woman has no choice.

   I don’t know if my explanation is good enough, but as a man, if you see this behavior, call it out. Acknowledge that you are supporting your female coworkers (not directly to them) and not just being another man that does nothing to help. It sucks to be in this situation because you literally can’t do anything except try to get someone else to intervene (someone else tell the guy to leave), leave yourself, or suck it up and deal with this shit behavior.

9. No, i wish someone did too when i was a teenager. I didnt even quit, someone harassed me and we were both fired

10. Dont get yourself in the middle of that

    It sucks, but Id save it for a random run in – if that

11. No, I wouldn’t do that since you don’t know her. Would make things more awkward personally.

12. Stay out of it. If she makes it a legal issue your text could be evidence.

13. It sounds like you’re reaching for something here. Would you do the same for any other situation? A dude? Probably not right?

14. That would feel like another unsolicited advance to me with the “nice guy” angle. I recommend not doing this.

15. it’s definitely nice of you to want to help in some way; that said, it would probably feel a little weird for her if you reached out, especially considering the circumstances under which she left. good intentions, but i think leave it be

16. Super, super, unbelievably weird. Drop it and move on.

17. You never met her? Don’t even think about it dude. Don’t insert yourself into a situation like this that doesn’t involve you, I know people like that who do so any time theres some shit goin down, suddenly theyre trying to be bffs with the victim or what not. But in this case it would also be kinda creepy on top of just being nosy.

18. If you never met her, then yes it seems weird. It would be different if you’d worked together and developed any kind of rapport.

19. No leave it be if you don’t know her well then just move on it would be different if you were friends

20. It’ll come off like you’re trying to pick her up, no matter how genuine you are, she will have that in the back of her mind.

21. Don’t text her. You knew her for what 3- 4 hours at best. She is moving on without you or that job.

22. Yeahhhhh I would respond back to any messages of sympathy from someone I don’t know. Go with your gut feeling of “it’s weird”. Let her be.

23. do you know her ? no. did you work with her long enough? no. Is it going to be weird af? depends on the person but probably yes. are your intentions pure and dont have any ulterior motives? maybe, we dont know, guess who also don’t know your intentions?

24. I wouldn’t. There’s no point if you don’t really know each other. She wouldn’t find comfort in a strangers words and her reaction would likely just make you feel weird since your good intentions likely wouldn’t be reciprocated with the same energy. Best to just leave it be and make sure no other coworkers are harassed

25. I’m a girl in my 20s and I think it would be nice and appreciated!

    Like I wouldn’t need ur text to move on with my life, but I don’t understand why so many people is saying “no”. Imo it cost nothing to be a nice person and offer sympathies to anyone, but this is reddit and we all also come from different cultures so

    Like for me it would be weird if you try to have a propper texting conversation after, but again, just my opinion

26. Really weird and creepy so don’t do it

27. It’s not going to land the way you want it to, there’s no question. But I still think this is a genuine and deeply kind impulse. That’s neat. Not great idea, sweet gesture.

28. Yeah super weird. If she is that type than I would tell you to do what I do and STEER CLEAR. Those people prefer the space. Its better to leave them to it than be dragged into their problems.

29. Yes, it’s weird.

    In her shoes I’d assume you were using my vulnerable circumstances as an excuse to come on to me.

30. If you say “male bartender” it’s okay to say “female bartender” after that. It’s an adjective. Saying woman bartender after you said male bartender looks a little weird.

31. If you did that, no matter how good your intentions are, you would be adding to the stress of her situation and would unintentionally forcing her into an at best uncomfortable and at worst retraumatizing situation. If a woman hasn’t personally brought up that topic with you then you shouldn’t bring it up with her either.

    A better thing you can do with your sympathy is to call out creeps by paying more attention because the harder other men make it for the creeps to get away with their behavior the safer women will be because those creeps sure as shit won’t be listening to women. That goes for the men who aren’t creeps too. You can still do creepy shit and not be considered a creep and the whole idea of ‘but I know him, he’s such a great guy’ is what stops people from learning. Everyone makes mistakes and people only learn from them if they’re held accountable and there’s nothing wrong with growth.

32. Sexually harassed by guys at work then get a message from a guy from work who she never met? She may wonder if you have ulterior motives.

33. Someone you never met is not looking for comfort from a stranger after quitting her job due to creepy dudes unwanted attention. If you don’t see why that is weird all by yourself, please go have a conversation with some of the females in your life so one of them can slap some sense into you.

34. Yes it would be weird especially since you’re a male. Leave her alone.

35. It depends if you want to bone her or not

36. Yes it’s strange.

37. Ye do not bother

38. You never met her. Don’t do that.

39. Why though?

    Like for what?

    Not everything needs an ending

40. You never met her it would be weird

41. do not reach out to her.

42. Some weirdo dude offering up his thoughts bothered her at work and now a dude from the same job wants to white knight by offering up his thoughts. Even if you mean well the optics are trash and she’ll probably feel obligated to respond which is annoying. She already had to deal with one unasked for interaction just leave her alone.

43. Do not do this, my dude!

44. She is gone leave her be

45. I love how when the comments in these sorta of posts tell the OP that is it a glaringly bad idea, the OP insists and doubles down.

    It’s a bad idea dude. Doesn’t matter if you’re not thinking with your dick, doesn’t matter if you have a wife. Don’t contact the girl who just left your workplace due to sexual harassment.

46. So kind of you to think to do that, man. Most people would think “oop that’s awkward” and do nothing. Your empathy is admirable.

47. It comes across as you trying to sleep with her by showing fake sympathy. Even if that’s not the case.

48. Nope, don’t message her; the last thing she wants is to be reminded of what happened to her.

49. I think if I were her I would feel very uncomfortable by some random male from the work place I just quit after that. I would not recommend this. I am sure your intentions are only to be nice, but it may be interpreted as something else too.

50. Reach out. You’ll notice that most comments here play within the lanes of social norms. Social norms and rules and laws all give us this narrow stream of being, telling us what’s not vs. what is good to do. Sure, killing and harassing people are bad. Don’t do that. But reaching out and offering sympathy? What do you think? Is that *bad*?

    I don’t think so.

    Be honest in your message to this woman. “Hey, I don’t know you, and I’m not saying this to get with you or whatever the hell, but I heard what happened and it sounds horrible. I’ll never understand what that’s like, having to walk away from a job and being a woman in today’s society. I just thought I’d reach out and show you the kindness you deserve.”

    Something like that would work.

    but yeah, don’t get why people are so hingent on “oh, it’s weird, blah blah blah.”

    Do what you think is best. I just wrote what I thought is best.