I (20f) and my boyfriend (20m) have been together for about a ear and a half and we’ve never had any major fights or problems and we’ve always had good communication with each other. The only problem we’ve had in our relationship is the differences in our sex drives. His is VERY high and mine is VERY low, like almost nonexistent… I used to have an ED which affected my hormones and i was diagnosed with PCOS, also affecting my hormones. So i don’t feel horny like ever so I’m never in ~the mood~ which makes my bf feel like I’m not physically attracted to him (which i very much am) and he’s getting to the point where he doesn’t even try and initiate sex because he knows he’s just going to get rejected and I’m going to get annoyed/ irritated. After countless talks about this i just feel broken. My boyfriend has reassured me many times that it’s not my fault that my sex drive is so low but i can’t help but think it is because of my past with my ED that it is all my fault. I have no idea what to do to increase my sex drive or how to find any kind of middle ground between my boyfriend and I. Any advice would be appreciated :/
NOTE: My boyfriend is the sweetest person and has never made me feel guilty or bad about not having sex.
8 comments
I honestly don’t think you can really. Baseline libido is pretty hard to “increase” or “decrease”, assuming no medical, chemical, or life changes have impacted it one way or the other. Your medical history complicates it even more.
Mismatched libidos can cause trouble long term (there’s a whole sub dedicated to it r/DeadBedrooms), but it doesn’t *have* to.
If he’s legitimately ok with it, which does seem a little surprising if he really is HL, then believe him. Tell him that if he’s ever *not* ok with it, you want him to come to you and be honest. At that point you can revisit trying to figure something out.
If you really want to try something now, you can think about if there is anything that *does* start up your interest. Or try some things. They can be totally non sexual. Like maybe a massage. Or bathing together. Anything really. See if there is something that can cause a “spark”
Focusing purely on the sex aspect tends to make it worse, especially for women, who generally need a more holistic approach to getting turned on
Why would you say you’re physically attracted to him yet physically refuse to show him how? I’m not saying do stuff that is repulsive to you, but 5 mins of sexually gratifying your partner physically isn’t hard. Is the idea of not being in the mood and forcing yourself to do something like that kinda yuck to you? I don’t believe you owe him sex or anything like that, I’m just wondering if you’ve talked about an easy/non repulsive way for him to reach sexually gratification. At the end of day, it’s your body and he might just have to accept you’ll never really initiate sex throughout life and you can both move onto someone who will like you the way you are. If you can find an easy method that makes you happy that he’s happy, you’ll both feel like you get the best deal. That’s just my thoughts anyways. All the best.
Maca root supplements or Macca root powder is great for increasing your libido. Aswaganda is a great natural afrodisiac as well. Horny goat weed…etc.
But Maca especially makes me feel like a sex goddess/nyph/fairy.
I had a similar problem with my gf (not ED but depression). She was pretty much asexual at the beginning of the relationship and I was ok with it. As the months went on, she was physically more comfortable with me and at the same time our bond got stronger. One thing I noticed is that her libido started growing as we got more physically affective (like passionately kissing/hugging tightly etc). Another thing is that we started being more playful and experimental, looking for different ways to get flirty, for example playing pool and everytime it is each other’s turn we would slightly touch each other, increasing the desire.
Considering your previous ED I assume you didn’t feel comfortable with your body (I’m not a health professional in any way), so maybe trying to feel more sexy and comfortable with yourself is a good way to go plus the other stuff.
Finally, usually men get horny by physical stuff (that’s why they consume more porn), women usually do it by emotional stuff (maybe the idealisation of sex? fantasies? i dont really know), so maybe you can increase your libido by reading some erotic novels? I know my gf reads some but its not something I know a lot of
Do cocaine
In my marriage when we don’t align on individual horniness we usually find other ways to satisfy the other’s needs. If my wife’s in the mood but I’m not we whip out the toys and tbh it’s like a video game to me. I move the joystick and when she climaxes it’s like setting a high score. Likewise in the opposite direction. What really burned previous relationships of mine were statements like, “I’m not in the mood. Go wank off in the bathroom or something.”
Is there not a food supplement route for the ladies? There is for the guys
I’m sorry you’re having this problem
I love the way you two are
I think you’re an awesome couple
Get “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnne. It’s all about changing things with your thoughts
Offer him free handjobs without needing to escalate past that, you have no idea how great a handjob can be and it’s not like you need to be bursting in horny to just gift him one.