For the past year and a half, I’ve (31F), put a lot of work into my mental, spiritual and physical health, with therapy, going to church and picking up a new hobby in a sport I’ve always wanted to try. I have built really solid friendships and have broaden my self awareness in what I like or will put up with. Overall learning to move better in this world. I’m not lonely because I know I’m loved by friends and my relationship with God has shown I’ve always been loved. Somehow I’m FEELING like I’m ready to date… HOWEVER I don’t want to OLD because it’s so vapid. I’m looking for a friendship connection, dates, adventures and laughter. I don’t want a FWB situation and it seems like it’s that or nothing. I don’t want to sleep around, that actually sounds awful and not for ME. Also the guys in my life are all taken by being married, or in a committed relationship. I know men don’t like that, because apparently every man wants to have sex with their friend girls… I backed out of date because he accused the guys I am around, of wanting to sleep with me. Confused because I’ve never been hit on by them and have never seen them look at me like a piece of meat. I’ve met all their SO’s at social gatherings and honestly become BFFs with their SO, and laugh at the boys with them. Tangent… Anyways, should I OLD or just wait till a man asks me out in person. I put myself out there with hobbies and going places by myself or even ask friends jokingly if they got friends or cousins lol. Idk maybe I’m stuck in the “fantasy” of old school dating, which is no longer the norm. I keep myself busy enough to not have much free time, but I’m ready to make room in my schedule with the right someone. It’s like I’m the fence of do or don’t, date.
22 comments
So for me it became a simple equation in the last couple of years. “Am I lonely enough to do some stuff that’s slightly outside of my comfort zone to meet someone?”.
One thing I will say though, I hoped to just meet someone in the course of my everyday life and it didn’t happen. Most people here my age are in a couple or they were situations where someone was unlikely to ask someone else out.
For you, does your church do any social stuff? How likely are you to meet someone there?
I don’t know if there are any apps targeted at people who have your same religious beliefs, to give you a better chance of finding someone who is going to have similar values and might be more amenable to taking it slower?
Sounds like you’re in a great headspace for old honestly. You’re happy with your life and know what you want. Put yourself out there and just be patient, you might not meet compatible guys right away, but it sounds like you can handle the wait. What you’re seeking is reasonable so you don’t need to compromise or put up with shitty men to achieve it.
>Idk maybe I’m stuck in the “fantasy” of old school dating, which is no longer the norm.
We live in reality unfortunately. It sounds like you’ve done your due diligence but not seen any results yet. Keep doing what you’re doing but installing an app can only increase your odds of success.
Unlrelated but I find it interesting that you’re using OLD as a verb rather than a noun.
That being said, there are people who are looking for genuine connections and relationships on OLD platforms. Although a lot of people are looking for casual relations, it’s not everyone.
if you think it’s bad now, how do you think it’s going to be when you are 40?
reality is, if you don’t find a good person now, odds are you may never find one.
(not without some SERIOUS baggage anyways)
So if the idea of being single the rest of your life doesn’t appeal, make more time for dating.
Good for you for doing so much work on yourself. I think now you might want to examine your view of others. You said that men don’t like that men in your life are in committed relationships, and “every man wants to have sex with their friend girls.” Those are bizarre conclusions so I’d examine why you think that. And yes, app dating is difficult and demoralizing but there are of course good people on there looking for real relationships too.
It sounds like trying to meet someone at church might be a good bet.
The guy who said that to you just sucks, don’t be afraid to ask anyone out instead of waiting, and set clear boundaries on what you’re looking for on in dating on first dates/getting to know people phase.
Why must it be one or the other?
Do both. Increase your odds. More importantly, learn how to use OLD and if you do, change your attitude around it or don’t bother. It’ll show in how you show up or respond one way or another so if you do it, do it right.
Are looks important? Yes to a certain degree. Much like IRL. The only people I’ve heard complain about it’s only about looks had really crap profiles and didn’t try to groom themselves (and it was usually guys that were okay looking, okay profiles but going for literally the hottest women… yes you and every other guy on the app and you don’t stand out so, tough luck – no different than real life, realistically they wouldn’t go up to the woman IRL in the first place and feel that rejection but on the app it’s low effort low risk and they feel more rejected because they shoot their shot with more women they wouldn’t IRL… I digress).
You don’t have to be a supermodel to get good dates on OLD especially if you’re a straight hetero woman. The odds are stacked in your favor. Tons of guys on there but, you need to filter like crazy. Don’t tire yourself out entertaining low effort people that don’t jive with you or are *not* looking for a relationship too.
I think you’re overthinking the whole thing.
You feel like you might be ready to date. Try out the apps. If you like it, stay. If you don’t, get off them.
Wanting a man to ask you or is perfectly ok to want but if that’s your ONLY dating strategy, you’re leaving your future to much in the hands of someone else.
This is one of the situations where action produces information. Try online and see what happens. Ask men out in person and see what happens. And don’t take the unsolicited advice from a random guy so seriously.
OLD sucks. I met someone online though.
Use OLD to facilitate meeting in person.
Good for you working on yourself and having a full life.
At some point after age 30, most women need to reexamine the standard passive dating strategy aka “wait for a man to ask me out” and determine if that’s still the best way forward. I think you’ve arrived at that point.
Good luck OP
Up to date
Just wanted to add that in my area there a lot of “single groups” through churches where people get together and do fun things as a group. Some are aimed at the younger crowd but if you try out some different ones (maybe with a female friend) you might find a group that works for you. This might help to ensure that a date has the same values (assuming a relationship with God is important to you in a partner)
Couple quick notes:
First, I’ve met plenty of men who don’t want flings, hookups, one night stands, or FWB situations. They want to date with the intention of finding a suitable long term partner. I’ve also met plenty of men who just want casual sex. It does take some experience to discern who’s lying to get into your pants and who’s being honest about his intentions, but that’s a part of growing up, I reckon.
Secondly, I have plenty of single male friends who have never indicated any desire to get into my pants or the pants of any other of their friends. I also have plenty of married male friends who seem likewise content with their wife.
Dating, both online and offline, takes a thick skin but if you go in with the right attitude, you can meet some great people.
OLD is a thing because fewer people are social in a way where they will meet other singles. It’s a convenient means to an end.
Look it’s not dating apps – it’s the people on them and dating in general- but I know if I’m on there, there has to be a guy version of me somewhere and just have boundaries to weed 99% of people out. If you want a LTR (commitment and monogamy) then look for that and don’t settle for “fwb” – the right ones will want the same thing and respect your boundaries.
I’m 35F and have been actively dating the last year – dating apps, happy hours, events with friends, classes, reconnecting with old connections, making new friends. My goal is just to keep putting myself out there to increase my chances of meeting someone great. It’s exhausting and I think sadly dating has changed a lot since the pandemic and I missed a magical window in 2015-2019 when I probably would’ve met someone great at the age of 27-31. (I should’ve ended my previous LTR way sooner than I did.)
Dating apps are exhausting but I’ve had overall positive experiences and screen people very carefully.
If you’re ready to date (especially after working on yourself), date for sure!
Good luck!
How about you try at least one thing new every month, to meet new people and make more connections?
I found the older I got, although I keep in touch with friends, their lives ultimately got busier due to family commitments and things like that, that it became slightly harder to meet people as my social circle shrunk.
Try OLD if you haven’t before, try speed dating, talk to your friends that you have worked on yourself, and what do they think – perhaps they know someone that could be a match?
Dont put so much thought/stress into it. Spend no more than a few minutes a day swiping on apps, or replying to messages. Keep your life as it is, as you enjoy it, and if you meet someone in that 5% of your weekly time then great, if not then you’ve still well spent the other 95%.
I am a 34M in literally the exact same situation. I can tell you OLD has not been successful for me. I’ve been on many dates but nothing substantial ever comes of it. At most a month of playing games and then people vanish. I would say ramp up the effort to meet people in person. I would hope the results would be better than OLD.
No women ever believes that their “guy” friends want to bang them. I think it’s because ultimately if that’s true, then they feel like they are nothing special, which most of the time is true. If you genuinely want to test it text any one of your friends, tell them your horny and ask why have you guys never become more than friends. Good guys will be like wtf. Guys who want to fuck will make it obvious..married or not.
Your real problem is going to come with the fact that men your age want younger women generally. Try taking the initiative yourself. It may not be traditional, but traditional isn’t working for you. I wish you the best of luck.
I’m a 39M and I also feel the same and I think you’re on the right track. But I also think there are good men out there that kind of gave up like you so maybe being friends and expressing interest to a guy that you vibe with especially if he’s single and hanging out with you. A lot of guys today have peace and definitely don’t want any drama, and if that’s being single or very, very patient, they will do that. My 2¢.
Definitely start dating. Time works against women in a big way (unpopular opinion, but absolutely true). The process of finding a long-term committed partner will be much easier now than it will be at any point in the future.
Try all methods, including online dating.
It’s awesome that you’ve spent so much time on your personal growth and emotional health!
But you still have some work to do… this time on your beliefs about men, dating, and what’s possible for you in a relationship. You state your thoughts as if they are facts, like you’re reading the news.
Examples:
>I don’t want to OLD because it’s so vapid. I’m looking for a friendship connection, dates, adventures and laughter.
>I don’t want a FWB situation and it seems like it’s that or nothing.
>every man wants to have sex with their friend girls
These are all just thoughts. While they may be true for *some* men, there are plenty of genuine men out there who are looking for healthy and loving relationships.
You don’t have to compromise your values or your boundaries to date, even with OLD. You just have to filter through the people you DON’T want to find the ones you do, and that’s where your boundaries come into play.
As long as you have this black and white way of thinking, your brain is going to point out the people who fit your current beliefs about what’s possible for you. Ever decide you want a red car, and then suddenly you see red cars EVERYWHERE? There weren’t a sudden influx of red cars; your brain was just focused on them, so it pointed out ALL the red cars around you. There’s a part of your brain called the RAS whose literal job is to find evidence to support your beliefs and bring attention to the things you focus on.
It’s the same with dating. If you’re focused on all the things you don’t want, your brain is going to point out all the men who fit that description. Start shifting your beliefs of what OLD *can* be and focusing on the qualities you *do* want, and that’s what your brain will start to show you.