I(20m) was an introverted video game nerd who happened to meet my gf(19f) who was an extroverted cover dancer in our school. This all started during the pandemic. We met each other through mutual friends in a discord server when we were 18, we then started talking because we felt like we had a lot of things common. We would always stay in discord calls 24/7. We would do everything we could possibly do to stay connected in the pandemic, watch movies, play video games, etc. I then had the feeling to ask her to be my girlfriend, which she gladly accepted. Later I would create a discord server for us to stay in all day. After talking for 2 months, we scheduled a date, this was the first time we had ever met each other in real life because of the pandemic, the date was wonderful, even though we were both extremely nervous, we shared our first kiss. When we were not going on our usual dates, we would constantly video call each other and talk all day long. During this time I’ve started to feel a little tired because of the constant communication and time together, as I was not used to this lifestyle. I’ve usually spent most of my time sitting alone watching youtube and clearing my mind after a day of school/hanging out with friends. Because I was feeling like we were moving too fast, and I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed. This resulted in our first argument, she told me that I seem to not be having any issues when I’m with my friends and she wanted me to be energetic like when I was hanging out with my friends, or when I’m going on a date with her. The problem is the usual break time I used to have were now occupied by our 24/7 call time. I started to get overstimulated over the course the next month with no break time, so I started going to sleep late because I thought if I had my break time, I’d be full of energy again. This resulted in a completely different outcome, the fact that I did not get enough rest exacerbated my energy problem. She then mistook my lack of energy and aloof demeanor as boredom, and we had another argument. After my complete breakdown because I’ve never felt such guilt and pain before, I started to slowly explain why and how I got this way. She didn’t sound satisfied, she said she’s happy this way. Then it’s like something in me snapped, I told myself that I would always put her first in everything, she would always be my priority because the affection(buying gifts, dates, hugs, etc.) she showed me was more than enough for me to pay her back. I started to distance myself from my normal source of happiness like friends, video games. And have doing this for almost 2 years, I would still sometime ask her to go hang out with my friends which would usually be met with a sarcastic remark like “If you like hanging out with your friend so much why don’t you stay with them”. Which would almost always lead to my constant apologies and me cancelling any plans I had to stay with her. I feel exhausted, and I haven’t been felling like myself of the better part of the year, but I still feel like I need to be better, I could always be doing more for her. She’s proposed a breakup after this usual pattern. Should I be feeling like this, or should I keep going. Am I letting her down? Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
P.S. Sorry if my post is not clear enough, English is my second language.
1 comment
I’m so glad you found this subreddit and decided to share how you’re feeling with us.
I’m really worried that this doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy relationship. Instead, it exhibits many characteristics of an abusive relationship. If you’re not ready to break up with her immediately, then I think spending time on a break from her would at least be a good first step that would do you the world of good. But you should be careful and ensure that you are always safe, and reaching out to your family and friends and letting them know about your situation would be very wise.
In the best relationships, you and your significant other can both reach and express the fullness of your personhood. Through your shared love, you grow and nurture one another together, and you become the best expression of yourself. But it’s not just that you become the best expression of yourself: you become someone you could never express outside of the relationship. Your relationship ‘unlocks’ a *you* that you could never be without it. In this way, the love in a relationship takes 1+1 and makes it equal more than 2.
This relationship sounds like it’s taking 1 and 1 and actually coming out with less than 2. This relationship is isolating you from your friends and making you physically ill. Rather than feeling like you’re the best expression of yourself, you say that you “haven’t been feeling like myself for the better part of the year”. Rather than unlocking a happiness you could never have without the relationship, you say that you “distance myself from my normal source of happiness”. Rather than becoming the best expression of yourself, you have basically abdicated yourself to live only and wholly for your relationship: you experience “such guilt and pain” when the relationship isn’t going well, and you told yourself that you “would always put her first in everything”, rather than yourself. *This relationship is actually destroying you*: you started with 1+1 and now it’s more like 1+0.1. *You need to get out.*
For her part, she sounds manipulative and controlling: from what you’ve told us, there are so many red flags that if you met her for a date now and came to tell us about it, we would tell you to run as far away from her as you can. You do not need your girlfriend’s permission to see your friends. Every couple spends a healthy time apart doing their separate things and living their own lives; you do not need to give “constant apologies” and cancel your plans whenever you dare to suggest doing something with someone else. It doesn’t sound like she cares about developing your personhood or getting you to be the best version of yourself. From what you’ve told us, all she seems to care about is how much she can extract from you for her own benefit.
I hope, when this is all over, you can take some time as well to develop new hobbies and interests, and can also come to realise that you should never 1) spend 24/7 with your partner; and 2) ever make your relationship your only source of happiness, or live for any human except yourself. I suspect that there were warning signs even two years ago that you might have missed. Good luck, OP!