tldr; i have a health issue that cripples me for a couple of days at a time and my partners leave me because of it despite me explaining it before we get together, how do i make it more clear to them before we start dating?
Long story short I have stomach issues and gastritis, basically during a bad flare up I will be very nauseous for a couple of days-weeks at a time and it makes it hard for me to do anything.
Before I get in to a relationship with anyone I ALWAYS warn them about this and I say something along the lines of “There will be times when I’m unavailable to do anything or we might have to cancel plans because of how I feel, but i’ll try my best to push through it and do things, and I’m always available to hang out at my place if you would rather do that instead”.
Despite doing this, my last 4 relationships since I’ve been diagnosed have ended because the girl has realized that they don’t want to be held back by me and would rather have someone that’s ‘normal’. And even in my last relationship that just ended, she cheated on me and was using dating apps looking for an upgrade because she realized she “couldn’t live an active life with you if you’re going to have these issues”.
My question is how do I make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to these people about what they’re getting in to? it’s so lame to be putting myself out there and communicating the best I can and still being shot in the foot about something I can’t control, and nobody seems to be patient or caring enough to stick it out with me. My situation has gotten 10 times better than when it first started, so eventually I think it will be a non issue, but I don’t want to not put myself out there while I’m still struggling with it.
38 comments
I mean, most relationships end. It’s hard to know how you’ll approach a situation until you’re in it. There’s no way you can make it any more clear. They know, they just think they can deal with it and then they realize the juice isn’t worth the squeeze or they actually don’t want to deal with it. I’m sure it’s frustrating but dating in general is super frustrating.
Choose a homebody. Date someone a couple of years older. It’s not communicating the condition that’s the problem, it’s dating people who cannot have the foresight to understand what it means.
Are you using the language “a couple of days” with these people when it can in fact be weeks? I think it’s important to be clear with your language, even though of course you can’t predict the length of your flare-ups, because there’s a big difference between being out of commission for two days vs. half a month (two weeks.) You may want to consider framing it as a disability to make it clear how much it will affect your ability to be present in the relationship.
Unfortunately there probably isn’t a way to make it any “clearer.” I’m sorry you’ve been having these struggles, and there’s no excuse for cheating. Most of the time people don’t really understand something until they experience it. They can say that it seems fine, but it’s impossible to know how they will feel in the moment until it happens.
It seems pretty weird to me that you’re actually getting broken up with. How long are the relationships?
I have an autoimmune issue too, and I hated telling people I was dating about it – I’d let them know I have lots of food issues at restaurants and get sick a lot, but 100% of people still want to propose their own restaurant but then seem shocked when I was throwing up in a random trash can or bathroom after a date. I got a lot of “wow I didn’t realize you’d actually get really sick that easily” type of comments, but not any actual break ups.
This stuff gets easier as you get older and have more “serious” relationships. People who care about you or are really into you won’t consider ending a relationship for this stuff.
My husband is a great guy but was also initially among those who mistakenly thought they could pick a restaurant I would definitely be able to safely eat at. He’s also terrified when I get sick even though he definitely knows the drill by now.
Now we’re cool 30-40 year old people who eat at home 90% of the time so it doesn’t really matter.
I have celiac so I can relate to being randomly incapacitated for an unpredictable amount of time. It’s not easy being the “medical issues friend” let alone the “medical issues partner”. For the most part I’m a homebody and I tend to date people with arts and crafts hobbies that you typically do at home and they tend to also be homebody-types due to their hobbies. I’m also really into crafts so luckily that aligns well. I think this has (unintentionally) been pretty helpful in finding patient people, maybe the issue is less about your health and more about where you’re sourcing your dating pool?
I’m almost 35 and honestly I’m sure that helps too, because bars and clubs are not really a draw for the people around me socially anymore. We tend to collect at breweries with portable crafts and relax together. I’m grateful for this kind of social event structure because even if I’m not feeling great it’s something I can typically still handle and show up to.
Maybe you should consider spending some time engaging in a relaxing hobby and getting acquainted with the surrounding social group? Hopefully that way you can meet someone new that will be supportive and patient with your health concerns. It’s probably a bit easier to get to know someone as a friend before jumping in with both feet, because then there won’t be surprises for either of you about dealing with/managing your symptoms if they’re already aware of how it affects your day to day.
Ultimately it’s really hard for people to understand medical issues, especially the “invisible” kind, until they see the results of the symptoms in person. I’m not totally sure this is a communication issue as much as a potentially mismatched personality set. Some people also just don’t listen/take this kind of info seriously until it’s directly in front of them and not able to be ignored. I think it’s good that you’re trying to be upfront about it but I don’t know if describing the situation differently will solve the problem.
Perhaps you could adjust the kind of person you’re looking for. Someone who isn’t as interested in going out all the time, more of a homebody.
Maybe you should clarify how much of your current life is spent recovering. Like a percentage or ratio of your week. There will be times is so vague. Maybe they’re thinking once a month. If your issues affect 4/7 days a week, that’s a serious commitment someone is making.
Are you telling them that the flares can last anywhere from days to weeks at a time?
Ooof I got diagnosed with gastritis about three weeks ago and this hits home. No advice but I really, really hope you’re okay.
You’re picking the wrong people. Don’t date a super social, active person. I wouldn’t say date a homebody. What you should look for is a social introvert. That’s what I am. I can go out and socialize with people. I enjoy outdoor activities and whatever else sounds fun. However, I need breaks to recharge my battery because I’m still an introvert. That sounds more like your thing.
Very few people want to admit to themselves that they are unsuited to a person who struggles with chronic illness. Many people would think of themselves as compassionate but in practice, some will find themselves unable to slow down to match the sick person’s speed.
You’re looking for the housecat personalities. The knitters, writers, gamers, someone who wants to be home.
Plenty of women out there suffering with their own chronic illnesses who might be relieved to be with someone who understands. You just haven’t met her yet.
I don’t think the issue is that you aren’t clear enough. I think the issue is that most people aren’t going to want to reckon with the realities of disability/chronic illness in a partner no matter how well they think they understand how their lives will be impacted by your limitations. Which sucks for several reasons, not the least of which being that you have very limited control over the outcome.
I agree with the commenters here who suggest seeking out introverts and homebodies. I’d also suggest trying to connect with other disabled/chronically ill people (maybe through a MeetUp group, if such a thing exists in your area) who understand how this stuff works in ways a sympathetic bystander may not.
I’m disabled. You can’t. Everyone believes they will be a good person in the face of this. No one who says it’s okay is lying. They just haven’t experienced the reality yet.
So when they do, they realize “oh shit, I don’t want this”
It’s a reflection on them, not you. I am now dating someone with cheonic heslth issues and it’s great to be understood. But we didn’t seek each other out for that, it just turned out that way.
It’s one of the things that sucks about disability and chronic health issues. Your life is incompatible with a lot of people’s.
I’m sorry, it’s not fair. But this isn’t something you can solve by saying the right thing
Post to r/disability
I think you should clarify what this precludes you from, so that people know more specifically what they can and can’t expect from you. For example, I would have no problem dating someone couldn’t go out on dates / needed to be at home recovering, because I like spending time at home and have my own friends and life that I could focus on. However I also really like to travel, go on walks, and try new foods. If you aren’t able to do those things because you may get a flare up, then we wouldn’t be compatible. But there are plenty of women who don’t necessarily care about the same things, etc.
If you’re experiencing relationship challenges due to a chronic health issue, it’s crucial to take proactive steps to foster understanding and reduce the chances of your partners leaving you because of it.
Start by initiating open and honest communication from the beginning of a relationship. Share details about your health issue, its impact on your life, and provide educational resources to help your partner better understand it. Encourage realistic expectations, explaining that there will be days when you may not be at your best, but that it’s not a reflection of your commitment to the relationship.
Discuss coping strategies together and be receptive to your partner’s concerns. Offer emotional support and show appreciation when your partner is understanding and supportive during difficult times.
Maintain regular check-ins to keep communication channels open. Encourage your partners to seek their support networks if they’re struggling with your health issue’s challenges.
Prioritize your self-care to manage your health condition effectively, reducing its impact on your relationships. If you notice a pattern of partners leaving due to your health issue, consider seeking professional advice from a therapist or counselor to improve communication and coping within your relationships.
Ultimately, remember that you deserve a partner who can accept and support you through the ups and downs of life, including the challenges posed by your health issue. While these steps can help build understanding, compatibility and willingness to support each other are essential factors in a successful relationship.
I have IBS and also get very bad gastritis flares where I can’t leave the house for days. My partner is so beautiful and understanding. I think the key is that;
1. I did the same as you and said this sometimes happens.
2. When it does we do things like watch movies, play board games and video games – we still have things to do together
3. I encourage him to continue everything he had planned, go out with mates, see family, go to the gym etc so this way while it might impact the plans we made TOGETHER it doesn’t impact his social life outside that.
It’s a part of me and who I am, i can’t help it so I just try to roll with it!
I can relate because I have ulcerative colitis (but now in remission). You should try to find someone whose life will be minimally impacted when you’re having a flare and can’t do anything. If you’re dating someone who likes to go out and make out-of-house plans, then your unexpected periods of incapacitation will greatly interfere with their perceived quality of life and fulfillment from this relationship. You should find someone who is more introverted and a homebody and loves to have their plans cancelled. Someone who has their own hobbies and is able to find fulfillment on their own. There are tons of us out there, although I understand that we are hard to find if we never leave our houses
I used to think I’d never have someone that would stay with me and the chronic health bullshit that drags me down. But I found someone that’s understanding and accepting. The truth is, it’s just finding the right person that loves you the right way.
A lot of people are telling you to look for older partners, mine’s 5 years younger. I don’t think there’s a formula.
OP, can I ask how you’re dealing with this in a medical sense? I have very similar issues, and have been through the works with getting basically every conceivable test known to man in an effort to get a concise diagnosis, but no dice. I just have a Whatever that fucks up my digestive tract with bad flare ups that can last days to weeks.
Anyways, I’m almost 32 now and very good (imo) at managing it. I take an otc omeprazole every morning, and odansetron to get me through work/activities if i suddenly start to get really nauseous while away from home. During longer flare ups that can last weeks, I take promethazine right before bed to help with that bad morning nausea that hits me the next day. Also, I take CBD oil daily, usually a 1:1 tincture.
Anyways, as for dating, the top comment is the way. Date an introvert, someone who thinks the best kind of date is movies/games at home, and sees outings as a special treat rather than a constant necessity.
You just have to choose a homebody. Someone who doesn’t mind chilling at home and just spending time with you.
Two of my exes had seizures that I would always help them with if I was around and they happened. There truly are people who won’t care and will want to take care of you because they love you
Hmmm…. I’m not sure any amount of warning will prevent that.
Maybe getting with someone who also has health issues so they can relate.
Otherwise, other people just don’t want to have to deal with something that’s not their responsibility
I’ve got a whole basket of health stuff annoying me all the time. I totally relate to this. I’ve stopped dating for a couple of years now. Whatever 😭
I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome so I know that feel of being unable to leave the house for a few days at a time. I had to cancel a few times on the last guy I dated and I wonder if that’s part of what caused him to ditch me. It absolutely sucks to feel like I’m not good enough because I can’t go on spontaneous 12 hour road trips, I can’t handle a lot of physical exertion or high energy outings.
All you can really do is just lay it out there, and when they say “oh it’s not a problem” stop them and let them know that you’ve heard that before and, while you’re not trying to apply exes behavior to them, you need them to understand that this isn’t something you’re exaggerating and that they need to figure out if they’ll be ok with cancelled plans, and if not they can absolutely dip out and it’s fine.
Hearing something is different than living it. I think that is the problem more than the words you’re using. You won’t be able to guarantee someone won’t leave, even minus the health issues. The best you can do is continue to be transparent and genuine. I hope your health issues get better and you find a lasting love.
Stop going for highly social and or highly physical partners. They don’t know what it’s like to live with a literal disability and have no idea what they are really signing up for. It’s a lifestyle mismatch and there’s nothing to be done about them not wanting to give things up. Make it explicitly clear you are chronically ill. Start looking for more introverted and or homebodied individuals. Someone who’d LOVE to just spend time with YOU at home watching your favorite shows, cooking or ordering in whatever is comfortable, and just relaxing. There’s nothing worse when one person cannot fathom not going out 3-5 days a week and makes you feel like shit for having other priorities like mental or physical health.
Don’t pursue someone who wants an active life. There are tons of people who like to stay home, don’t have plans every weekend and would enjoy staying in and watch a movie.
Definitely agree with the commenters about dating a homebody. My husband gets sick quite often and ends up having to cancel plans, but it doesn’t bother me because I love staying at home anyway.
I (24F) have cancer and I rip that band aid off on the first date – I explain somewhat in depth what I deal with, why I deal with it, and what it entails. I ALSO give a cushion (there is a chance it can get worse and it may require even more x,y,z)
This has been a straightforward and clear way for me thus far maybe providing more context could help?
Seconding suggestions to look for other chronically ill people. Obviously it’s tough when both people are out of commission sometimes, and stressful when one person is having a hard time, but it also helps a lot when the other person gets it.
I would also say that in any committed relationship one person could develop a chronic illness or acquire a disability at any time–you’re better off weeding out people who can’t handle that early on!
I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (autoimmune disease) 7 years into my relationship. When I told my partner that I’d get brain fog, fatigue, stomach issues, sore joints, eye problems and would sometimes not be able to attend family gatherings because of it. He said Ok so how do we manage it? We talked it through. We’re still together with 4 kids.
The issue here is finding someone that fully understands your condition, how it affects you and for how long. It’s important to find someone that doesn’t mind staying in or meeting your needs while you are also able to meet theirs. Being compatible is important in a relationship.
When I was dating I also had a spinal condition that made it hell to walk too far, stand too long, or do most active things (had surgery and fixed it several years into the relationship I have now). I also have an autoimmune disorder that affects my joints and had rendered my stomach such that my diet was extremely limited. To say I was not leading an active lifestyle would be putting it mildly. I was also walking with a cane and in my early 30s. Was it a turn off for a lot of people? Yes.
I was still able to find my forever person and dated a handful of guys who were accepting of the situation before I met him.
The thing is, people do not read profiles, they do not listen and take in information that they don’t understand. If they’ve never been chronically ill or known someone who is, they will brush it off as a minor problem or think they know the answers.
You can and should be specific right out the gate, but it will not stop some people from being clueless or minimizing the issue. Take the time to listen to them and read their profiles. If they’re avid hikers, love the gym, and want someone to travel with, say straight up “I see you like to live a really active lifestyle and my health prevents me from doing that. I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
A lot of people also have trouble leaving their significant other behind. They don’t like it, or they know they wouldn’t like it if things were reversed. Find someone who is ok with leaving you behind and become a person who is ok being at home while your SO goes out. Mine goes out with his friends most weekends and sometimes during the week, a lot of the time I cannot attend due to either health stuff or child care stuff. I want him to live his life. He wishes I was there but understands my limitations.
There is someone out there for you. This sub once told me there was no one out there for me, but I found my person and you will too.
youll have tons of prospects when you hit your 30s. everyone wants to stay home and will share their problems too.
Another thing to consider OP is not the problem of having the stomach troubles, but maybe doing nothing to work on them. For example I have had chronic migraines most of my life, and I have had SOs that get tired of hearing I have a headache and dont want to do X. I warned my now husband of this, and even told him that some day he will get tired of hearing it and I just hope he has patience. Instead of getting tired of it, he helped me figure out what brings them on and avoid those things. Like if we are going to watch a long movie, we dont make plans for a few hours afterwards in case I need a nap to make it stop hurting. Or I take some pain reliever half way through just in case.
Point being, you cant just say I am sick, please understand, and not work on preventing it. You cant spend more time with one person than any other and not expect them to notice when you are making unhealthy choices.
“I know I mentioned this before but it’s been in my mind lately so I want to say it again. (insert explanation here). The reason I’ve been thinking about it is I’ve realized my past # relationships ended as a result of it, and I’m wondering if maybe I wasn’t clear enough about my struggle. I really value our relationship and I like you so much that I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I know it’s your choice to leave or stay but I’m really hoping we can work through this together as it comes up and that you’ll stay. I can try to answer any questions you have now, and we can keep that door open in case you have questions or want to talk about it in the future. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me ”
I went through 9 rounds of ect (shock therapy) and it made me dumb, like drooling forget your birthday dumb. My now husband stuck with me when I think anyone else would have run. Be honest, be appreciative, and be understanding that not everyone has the strength to support. I really hope you find the one who does ❤️
Tbh not a lot of woman want to be a care taker in the relationship especially when they’re young. You got to be honest and upfront about your illnesses.
Honestly you’re just dating the wrong women. My guess is you’re intentionally going after very active women who live active lifestyles, and it sounds like that’s the opposite of the kind of life you’re able to live. Which is perfectly okay, but you can’t fault a woman with an active lifestyle for not being able to enjoy that kind of interruption to their life.
I used to live a very active lifestyle, yoga every single day, etc. My current partner of two years also has gastrointestinal issues – ulcerative colitis. This means his stomach hurts often, and he has flare ups as well that can last anywhere from a day to a week to a month. But I don’t mind at all and have altered my lifestyle and now have become much more of a homebody and I enjoy it! My boyfriend is also 26, and I am 35. Maybe date some a little older who doesn’t mind being a homebody. 🙂